Hack and Slash

[Slasher] | The boss I’ve been fighting and having trouble with the past couple days has been driving me insane.

The trek to recover my fallen items is way too long, at least in my opinion.

The enemy placement—with the context that hitbox contact deals double damage—is horrible. I simply hate it.

The boss in question—well, bosses; they’re a duo, more specifically, a twin-themed boss, and I actually like their design a lot. It’s really cute.

Aesthetics asiiiiiiiiiide—

“This is supposed to be an ‘easy’ boss, right?”

“…”

“Right???”

“…”

“Yes? No??”

“…”

“HEY, ANSWER ME!!! WHY THE HELL AM I HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME!?!?”

“Hmmm, I dunno. Is it because you don’t have any friggin upgrades?"

A voice from beyond my room—judging from the distance, I’m guessing it most likely came from the living room—responds with more malice (rather than annoyance) than what I was initially preparing myself for. It instantly killed the mood.

“Y-You don’t have to be so damn mean about it…” I said while tearfully pouting.

As I try—to the best of my ability anyway—to ignore the inhuman, and overly cruel words of my irritated roommate, I shift my focus back on the game; once again arriving at the boss arena. The ever-familiar iron gate closes behind my character, leaving me with no means of escape.

The area-music fades.

Gathering my resolve, I lock-in with this new attempt…

▓

Do I have a plan? Of course! It consists of one word: Attack.

“But, V!” I hear you saying, screaming even, at the top of your lungs. “That’s such a stupidly simple-minded plan!!”

“Oh, why, thank you,” is something I would say if there was anyone to respond back to. If I weren’t so intensely focused, I would even go as far as to stand up and bow. “It’s genius, I know.”

And then you’ll ask, “Why are you subjecting yourself to this again?”

And to that, I’ll reply with, “Two reasons: One, because I need to advance the story. Two, I’m stubborn. I’ve died over a hundred times and I still refuse to change my strategy.”

With an expressionless face and a nonchalant, unsurprising tone, you’d say, “Strategy? Wow…” and then follow up with, “Are you an idiot? How is this any different from your so-called ‘plan’ that solely relies on offense?”

“Interested, eh? Well, allow me to put that into perspective for you!” I’d then say with an energetic glee. “With a major story boss like this, one whose defeat unlocks more of the map for my character and I to explore, mindlessly hacking, slashing, and attacking away continues to be the easiest—and most effective—way to go about killing it! As far as “strategies” go, I’m perfectly aware—though it’s never failed me before—that this, by far, is definitely the worst one…”

▓

The battle-music starts. The fight begins.

Keep calm. Read the telegraphs. Dodge their attacks. Those three things made up V’s “Pre-Boss Mental Checklist” before immediately throwing that out the window in favor of his aforementioned “mindless attacking” strat.

You know what to do when they stop moving (there’s a lot of endlag): “Stab ‘em in the back, attack from behind! They leave themselves so open that even an attack from overhead is possible!! Inflicting damage from the front is risky, but I’ll take any chance I can get!!!”

Attack. Hack. And slash.

“If we’re bein honest here, I really only need to chase after one of them…”

Attack… Hack… And slash…

“I find it really funny—though you won’t find ME complaining—that the stagger affects them both. It’s almost like there’s some kind of deeper meaning to that…”

Commit to doing that, over, and over, and over again…

“But hey, when we’re talkin maximum damage output, that makes things rather convenient for me! Thank you, devs!!”

Gotta… maintain… that rhythm… Over… and over—

“AH— SHIT!! DODGE!!!”

—andoverandoverandoverandover—

“Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! I GOT HIT!! That’s what I get for letting my FREAKING. GUARD. DOWN!!!”

—andagainandagainandagainandagainand—

“Heal, HEAL! COME ON, GODDAMN IT, HEAL!! GOD, WHY IS THE ANIMATION SO SLOOOOOO—OH, THANK GOD!!! THE TIME IS NOW, LET’S KEEP IT GOIN!!!”

—asIkeepthisconsistencyIvegottakeepupthedamageandwiththatsaidIvegottakeeponhackingandslashingand—

“OH MY GOD, WHAT? THAT’S IT?? DID I BEAT IT!?!? LET’S FREAKIN GOOOOOO!!! TAKE THAT YOU ANNOYING COG DANCING FU—”

“Well now, look at that. It’s about damn time. If you’re looking for a “congratulations,” you’re certainly not getting one from me. The only thing I’m willing to tell you is, “Good luck with the rest of the map,” you psycho, mad-rambling, over-analyzer. You’re gonna need it.”

“HEY! RUDE!! Don’t go ruining my fun… What a short-lived happiness…”

On two different spiritual levels, V felt the joyous relief of a weight being lifted off his chest for what felt like one singular second before being stung, pricked, and even stabbed by the unnecessarily mean, harsh, and evil words of his roommate. He could—metaphorically speaking—literally feel the weight crashing back onto him from somewhere way up high in the sky. He kinda wished that it’d spawn into existence and kill him for real.…

However, in spite of his dejected self, V took a very deep breath, closed the game, turned off his game console, and went outside to touch some grass… and maybe get a bite to eat.

End