A Fake New World

Jules was in hell and he hadn’t even gotten to the dating show part yet.

Being interviewed by Petey Pete was an exercise in trying to find a level of patience you didn’t know you had. Petey Pete thought he was God’s gift to entertainment and that gave him the right to put his thumb on the scale when it came time to interview.

But as Petey blasted through the basic questions – ones Petey swore they’d done for everyone else weeks ago to prep for publicity – Jules started remembering what his friends Sean and Derek told him.

The key to early survival is to get the producers to like you.

Dating shows usually had impossibly big casts. With limited screen time, that led some contestants to fade into the background. He would need to buy himself enough time to make an impact – and a friendly production staff could make all the difference.

“Alright, now that we’ve got the pablum out of the way…” Petey flipped through a notepad he’d been scribbling on with a pen. “I understand you’re here for the money?”

Jules blinked hard. He was. But he hadn’t said a word of that to Petey. “How…”

Petey chuckled. “It’s a numbers thing, dear. Show doesn’t work if we don’t keep the numbers right and you’re the last-minute replacement.”

That left Jules completely lost. A numbers thing? He was ready to ask just how many people they knew were in it for the money, but Petey kept things moving.

“Now if you don’t mind?” Petey snapped his fingers. The lighting in the store suddenly shifted, and cameramen appeared out of thin air to flank Petey on each side. “I’m going to ask you some questions, and look at me when you answer. And remember, some of this might be on the show – so act natural!”

His first chance to make a first impression. Time to make it count.

In the blink of an eye, Petey Pete put on that practiced grin that plenty of people… tolerated. “Are you afraid other contestants will find out you’re here for the money?”

Hard first question. But if he was in it for the money, he knew what role he needed to play.

“No, they’re on a dating show to find love. Only fools do that.” Jules rolled his eyes. “There’s only one person I'm worried about fooling, and she’s the star of the show.”

“She’s a pretty smart cookie, though. How will you trick her?”

That was a stumper. Jules was hopeless at any game of social deception. Good at sniffing out the lie, terrible at selling it. But there was one thing he could try.

“Let honest emotion do dishonest work.” If he was going to be on this show for the money, he was going to let how he felt about the whole thing show. “I’m gonna hide by being the biggest idiot in a room full of them.”

----

It wasn’t long before Jules was finally dressed. The production team ultimately went with a dark blue suit with a tie whose stripes alternated shades of blue.

He wasn’t sure how he ended up in the same suit that was hanging up in his closet back home. Or why it took everyone that long to decide on it. 

Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter anymore. He was now in a convoy of limousines, sitting in the back with a shocking amount of alcohol. Probably to encourage the contestants to loosen up (and act up) once they arrived.

Jules was helping himself but in moderation. The game had already begun in his eyes. He saw the cameras placed carefully to catch what they were up to. And on top of that, he wasn’t alone. There were two other contestants in the car with him.

“I’ve never even heard of some of these wines.” A man whose hair had turned white earlier than expected held up a bottle. He brought it close to his thinly-rimmed glasses and turned the label so everyone else could see. “I recognize the word ‘champagne’, and then everything else is in French.”

That was Craig. He was apparently a doctor.

“You all want some?” He poured some champagne into a glass and offered it to the other two people in the limousine.

Jules accepted Craig’s invitation. No need to start things off on the wrong foot.

The other person with them smiled. “Of course~”

A soft hand reached out to take the next offered glass from Craig. Ryan might’ve been the single most attractive man Jules had ever seen. In defiance of God and all standards of male beauty, Ryan’s delicate features and pixie cut made him stand out.

“Thank you.” Ryan winked with his piercing brown eyes.

Frankly, if Ryan wasn’t on this show? Jules wouldn’t have guessed Ryan was a guy. Or straight.

Jules didn’t try his drink yet. “What brings you two to this party?”

Craig’s laugh wavered. The poor guy’s nerves were clearly on point. “I um, I haven’t had much luck with my love life. I don’t usually make a good first impression. So maybe I was hoping people might see the real me if I tried this.”

Jules stared at Craig, dumbfounded. This man was not real. He couldn’t be. No one came onto dating shows to actually find true love. Craig was either the single greatest conman to ever live or he was the most naïve.

Ryan swirled his drink around in his hand. “I make women fall in love with me all the time without trying. This will be a cakewalk.”

Now there was the swagger Jules was expecting. Iron would need to sharpen iron. This was something Jules could work with.

“I’m here to win.”

That got Ryan’s attention. “Her heart or the money?”

The… money? People kept bringing that up. Jules charged ahead. “Why not both?” He smiled before finally raising his glass in a toast. “To true love.”

Craig and Ryan toasted to that, the three all taking a sip from their drinks.

That should give them enough footage to work with. Jules drank a bit more of his overpriced champagne and melted into his seat.

----

The limousine caravan crested over a hill and it was then that everyone saw where they were going.

Passing an opened gate, Jules could see there was a mansion in a sea of perfect green grass. It was two, no, three stories tall. He could make out a red carpet rolled out from the front door to the horseshoe driveway, with an entire camera crew and makeshift crowd cheering as the sun began to set.

“Wow,” said Craig. “It’s like something out of a movie.”

Jules always joked that dating shows existed in their own reality. The laws of thermodynamics? The theory of gravity? The five-second rule? None of these things existed if they defied the rules of the genre.

But seeing the mansion grow closer, he couldn’t help but feel that his joke might have been too on the nose. Places like this didn’t exist in his world. The colors were too vivid, everything felt too perfect.

It was deeply unsettling to Jules. This artifice, this lie that had been built for everyone to see.

Jules put on a smile as the doors to his limousine were opened and he stepped onto the red carpet with Craig and Ryan. He pushed through the flashes of the camera and the cheers from the crowd of what he assumed were paid extras.

Craig and Ryan couldn’t be for real. None of this was. Only a fool would go on this show to find love. With Sean and Derek’s last-minute lessons, he would destroy this show and get paid to do it.