Chapter 20 ~ Sanctifying

The light of dawn offered the barest glimmer against the dewdrops outside of the abandoned church. The humid morning air was an unfamiliar sensation for the novae even now, but there was a mystique to it that couldn't be denied. The shawl around her shoulders wasn't enough to stop her from shivering as she stepped through the side door left conspicuously cracked open.

The sanctuary welcomed the novae with reverent silence. The floor stretched out like a slow yawn before her, and the walls climbed taller than any canopy as they held aloft the painted ceiling far above. It must have looked beautiful in a brighter light. In the current dim of the morning, Kurai could only gaze above in wonder at the silhouetted sight. The divinity on display wasn't lost to her even then. Was she being watched too, by some force far above? Did her existence warrant even a mere glance?

The heavens be as they may, she had business above regardless. Painted symbols on the walls guided her upstairs into the choir loft overlooking the nave. She could hear every footstep and creak of wood echo throughout the entire sanctuary. If nothing else, her arrival was certainly not a silent one. The stairway opened up into the loft, where Irene sat on the dusty bench at the forefront, with a large brown Gladstone bag to her side. She didn't spare a glance towards the novae upon her arrival. Instead the diminutive woman found preference in staring over the railing into the nave far below.

"Hello, Miss Irene? I'm here as you requested." Kurai tried to keep her footfalls quiet as she approached. No matter what she did, it still resounded so loud in the quiet sanctum. "I have to admit, I've never met someone before like this. With such a strange invitation, no less. What made you want to speak in such a dusty old place?"

"...This was the church I went to as a little girl, St Ado's Church of the Divine Grace. It was one of the most joyful places you'd have ever seen, back before it shuttered its doors for good. I suppose I hoped to find solace in such a place of once-sanctity. I'm still looking." The apothecary made no attempt to suppress her somber mien. She breathed in deeply, unaffected by the grime around her. "Sit."

"It gives me a chill looking around here. I'm not sure what solace there could be in such a place." Kurai dusted off the bench as best she could before taking a seat beside Irene. "What happened to make it close down?"

"Carelessness. The churches of the city have always cared for their flock, and St Ado's was all the more eager than most in that practice. It's not far from some very impoverished areas, you may have noticed, and it was always happy to provide a helping hand. When famine broke out over a decade ago, St Ado's worked frantically to help people survive, doing whatever they could to hurriedly procure foodstuffs to assuage the growing demand. In their haste, they unwittingly brought in a rotting shipment containing vermin. The discovery was only made as they started blighting all of the other food supplies. Worse yet, their infestation spread into the streets, putting even more of the scant few food sources into disarray. In their hunger, the people even took to eating those sickly rats, which spread countless diseases to the already weakened populace. In the end, it was decided to purge the church with experimental poisons to stop the source of the rats, making the building uninhabitable in the process. In the end, the rats kept spreading throughout the streets, the famine took even more lives, and the church became the dead husk around us now."

"That's horrible... Wait, if the church had to be abandoned because of that, is it really safe for us to be here?"

"This was years ago. The building isn't a health hazard by now, up here at least. Belowground may or may not be a problem still, but I have no plans of going down there."

"I see... What did you wish to see me for, then? Did you just want to share that story with me?"

"No, it was merely incidental. That being said, I hope the meaning isn't lost on you. Through an abundance of careless benevolence, the church only managed to bring dangers into the land they were trying to save. Had they been cautious and far more pragmatic in accepting fewer donations rather than rushing to gather as much as possible, there will have been deaths from starvation due to that decision, but the root of this new problem would have been excised from the start, saving many more lives in the process." It wasn't until now that she finally turned to meet Kurai's gaze. There was a sorrow in her eyes, and it was fresh. "I saw your assault on the officers, Kurai. Is that how a nova vitae acts?"

The weight of the sudden accusation crashed against Kurai like a wave. She tried to respond, but her words were failing her.

"You... s-say you saw that...?"

"I did," Irene answered with a nod. "I did not understand what I was seeing in the moment, but I had the chance to learn as I treated the constables. A rapid, acute dissolution against the nape, directly causing physical disruption of the exposed spinal cord to render paralysis of the victim. Had you not told me of your status as a nonhuman beforehand, I would have had many, many questions for you. Knowing that, I have surmised much of what took place."

"Th-they weren't the victims, we were!" she frantically argued. "Surely you saw how they attacked Robin first. I was just protecting him! It's no different than what he did for me when he got those burns!"

"Don't shout at me." Irene took on a commanding tone as she raised a hand. "I was speaking from a medical perspective when I used that word. Frankly, I'm glad Robin was spared from further pain and that the corrupt officials were punished for their actions. But surely you're also aware of the sheer magnitude of the situation you both were about to be in, yes? How much harm that it nearly caused and just how much distress it put on the boy?"

"...Very much so. But I did try to minimize things... I wasn't trying to kill anyone."

"Do you know what 'paralysis' means, Kurai? It doesn't mean they go limp for a little while then carry on like nothing happened. You nearly led to permanent paralysis from the neck down in one of the constables, and the other one had to be resuscitated from cardiac arrest, caused by the very same paralysis. Whatever you thought you were doing, do you really think you could act with such precision in the heat of the moment during such an attack?"

"...I thought I did everything right. It had to have been less than a millimeter of an error if anything did go wrong..."

"Half of a millimeter of extra penetration of the spinal cord is the difference between life and death, Kurai. Even if not death, do you really believe that full paralysis from the neck down would somehow be a mercy by comparison?"

"..." The novae couldn't find any answer to that. "I understand... I messed up and nearly ruined everything yet again. What do you want from me, then? I... I can accept my fault once more, but what am I supposed to do? This keeps happening..." She was getting a headache from how desperate she was feeling.

"I only want you to be honest with me. I ask again; is this how a nova vitae acts? Is this what comes naturally to you?"

"...No, no it isn't. I'm trying to act like a human, Irene, not like a novae. It feels like I can never get it right. I really don't know what else I'm supposed to do at this point." She was starting to get teary-eyed. It didn't seem to move Irene at all.

"Then let's put all mimicry aside. What does come naturally to you? If you followed only your instincts instead of trying to imitate a human, where would that lead you?"

"...I'd try to eat everything in my path, I suppose. That's all that ever came naturally to me, before I had eyes that could see a way out of the darkness I was born into. The only other thing I've felt was... curiosity for this world around us. Up until I was taught by Mr Meus and Robin to act like a human. All I know is that everything's a lot more enjoyable this way. When I'm not being a failure."

The apothecary did not respond. She only steepled her fingers against her lips.

"But I'm not like that anymore," Kurai quickly added. "I am more than what I was born as. It's the same for everyone, right? I'm not just a nova vitae..." She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself rather than Irene. It wasn't working.

"...Humor me for a moment, would you? After the encounter with the constables took place, when you were alone with Robin, he raged and threatened you, while at the same time fearfully backpedaling before doubling down again in alternation. Then he became apologetic and affectionate, while nonetheless still trying to get you to agree to comply with his earlier demands. He would have gone even further with the apologies and the affection once he learned you were both in the clear. Is that right?"

"What in the world...?" A terrifying thought struck Kurai at once. "Don't... don't tell me you were watching us then too..."

"I take it that my statements were accurate, then. No, I hadn't seen a thing, nor did he tell me any of this. I simply surmised what he most likely did, considering his psychological profile. He has a lot of resentment inside of him, but his status as a slave has forced him to learn to curb his tongue. While I hadn't been on the receiving end of it, I always knew he was the type to use charms to attempt to manipulate people. Lovebombing them, as it were. And he wonders why I keep his attempts at 'friendship' at arm's length..."

"...I'm not saying you're right, but..." She couldn't bring herself to deny it either. It sounded like the most cynical phrasing anyone could muster, but it wasn't necessarily wrong. "...Why would you bring such a thing up? Is this some kind of game to you, is that it?"

"Not at all. I had to be sure I'm not seeing things that aren't there. I learned discernment from an old acquaintance, you see. When you understand where someone is coming from, you can see quite clearly where they truly are now. Not just with Robin, but with you too."

"Don't act like you know me... Miss Irene. I've seen it with Robin before, now you... Is this your form of 'honesty'? I wanted to get along with you, but I'm starting to see just how little in common we truly have..."

"Do you really need to have something in common someone else to get along with them?"

It was such an innocent question that Kurai found her guarded attitude broken in half in an instant. She didn't have a response, short of the discomfort writ clear on her face. She grew more anxious in her seat as Irene relaxed confidently in her own.

"You wear your emotions openly. When you're at peace and with innocent thoughts, you appear the most delightful girl in the world. But you too have your own resentment that increasingly flares up the more pain you're subjected to. You weren't only angry at the two constables, were you? Your thoughts bloomed to encompassing the entire human race. How different they are to you. How we almost make sense when everything is calm, but in your eyes we also unpredictably spark into conflict and violence. It's not—"

"Stop this..." Kurai weakly interrupted. "If this is your little surmising act again, stop it. It hurts when you speak that way to me! You don't really know me..."

"I do, though. In fact, I know you better than you likely know yourself." She shifted her legs to the other side, pausing just long enough to get her hooks into Kurai's attention. She continued just before the novae could respond. "Have you been told where nova vitae truly come from?"

"...They're artificial constructs. No novae has ever become sapient before me, though, so there are a lot of mysteries even to me."

"Perhaps, but I refer to what the nova vitae are created from. How do they come into being?"

"Through alchemy leading to organisms that didn't exist before, hence the name meaning 'new life'. I don't know the exact alchemical process, but..."

"Because there isn't one. 'Nova vitae' is a misnomer. A veil over your true origins. In truth, your kind is extracted from a cultivated mass of flesh, deep underground. It is the work of the nuns, such as I once was, to care for the extracted flesh as if they were children, ensuring they would be able to cling to life in spite of their meager forms. Once you were biologically self-sufficient, you would be sent off to government sites where they would shape you into the roles and forms you were meant to be."

"...And? I'm afraid it's not as important as you think, Miss Irene. The source may be from extraction rather than creation, but that doesn't affect me. The process doesn't matter when the result is the same." It was startling to hear, but Kurai wasn't shaken up by it.

"Ah, don't dismiss it so early. That source of flesh didn't come from nowhere. Tell me... I recall you knew nothing of the Church of the Third when I first met you. By any chance, have you heard of the First?"

"No. I know that the Third is the main deity worshiped by humans, while their two counterparts are considered enemies. Aside from their names, I never heard anything about them. What does that have to do with anything?"

"The numerical order is important here, Kurai. The Third is the divinity above all humans, because He is from where humans ascended from lowly primates into the third species to achieve sapience. The Second is the one who did likewise for the kitsune of the north. Meanwhile, the First did so over the race of the giants, so very long ago."

"I know kitsune were originally from the north, but they live in the city too, don't they? They're at least still kicking around. This is the first I've ever heard of these giants..."

"Giants, titans, or in more academic circles, the alephs. Humans come from simian ancestors, kitsune come from vulpine ones, and the alephs were from elephantine creatures. While humans nurture our minds and kitsune their spirituality, the alephs prioritized the body more than anything else, and their emphasis was on force and brute strength. Easily twice as tall as any human and bulky as they come, they were powerhouses no matter how you look at it, in spite of the physical weakness that comes with sapience. Not that they were incapable of invention either. They made many tools and weapons, especially noteworthy for their restraints and torture devices. Theirs was a ferociously violent culture."

"It sounds brutish when you put it that way, but I also notice you keep using the past tense for them."

"I do. In any conventional sense, they're not around anymore. A war broke out between humans and alephs so very long ago. We were pushed to the brink of extinction. In a final act of desperation, we managed to flip the situation and put the alephs' population to their end instead."

"...Wait, this story sounds familiar. The alephs wouldn't happen to be barbarians from the west, would they? Facing off against a proud lord?"

"Ah, so you have heard some of the tale. Yes, that's a metaphorical telling of events. Then you know that the alephs were chased and hunted down to the last man, woman, and child. But they were not all killed. Some seemingly docile ones were held captive instead, with attempts made to turn them into enslaved workers. But it was a disaster. Every time they were out of their cages to do any work, there was a constant risk that they would start causing wanton destruction. Even these docile ones were overtaken by a murderous frenzy far too often."

"Their own people were recently slaughtered and they were enslaved by the killers. Surely it's not that unexpected they'd react so strongly."

"If it were a rational response, or even a logically emotional one, perhaps you would be right. The alephs however were uncontrollable, no matter how much they tried to hold it back. The sources are very lousy on this part of history, but I know the condition was called musth. It led the alephs to maiming and killing each other as much as they'd attack anything else. They would cry mournfully over their own actions afterwards, but they were never able to stop hurting themselves and others."

"Maybe that was their last, desperate attempt at freedom. If they couldn't escape that life, then they would free each other of living altogether."

"You seem very convinced on it being of their own volition."

"...I've had cause recently to consider what captivity would be like. Maybe I can't speak for them, but I know I would never accept having any restraints."

"Do you, now?" Irene's brow raised as though she had heard an answer. "Well, whatever the captive alephs' plans were, it did not succeed. As they were unfit to work, and thus could provide nothing of value, something else was tried by the ancient humans. They kept the alephs in their cages and practiced experiments on them. Experiments to prolong life, remove the effects of aging, promoting physical growth... I can't say what truly became of them in the end, but there's no doubt that a form of immortality was achieved. One that is still deemed unfit for humans to ever endure...

"...Ah, did that prick your ears, Kurai? Yes, those very captives from centuries past are still with us today. Unable to perceive the world around them anymore, they can only grow more and more living flesh. These growths are nurtured, harvested, and then sent to the convents to be cared for until they're self-sufficient organisms once again. You may know them as nova vitae."

"..." Kurai made no attempt to respond. it felt at if glass were shattered in her throat, tearing through her veins. She could only stare down at her hands, as if there was anything that could ease the feeling overtaking her right now.

"That is where you come from, Kurai. You may have had your growth in a lab, but your true birth was long, long ago."

The apothecary stopped there, letting the novae continue to take it all in. What was once glass had become shards far more frigid. It left the novae shivering as she leaned further into the wooden bench for support. More than anything, the sensation in her head was surreal, as if she were in the midst of a nightmare. She hadn't realized that she was muttering to herself at this point, though the other woman's unblinking gaze certainly missed nothing.

"I felt as though you were owed that much, to know of your own origins. You are not some arbitrary modern invention, but rather the results of a sin far older. Though it is your own call whether you believe you stand as the offspring of the undying alephs, or if you are a living extension of them."

"...I... I don't know. Is one supposed to be less harrowing than the other? To know what happened to my former self or to my own family... Does either one make me any less alone?" Her eyes were unfocused as she spoke, but they were far from still. She looked as if she could use a hug now more than ever, but nobody was there to offer such comfort.

"...You truly are a unique individual, Kurai. I hope you see now that my surmising had a deeper purpose than you may have thought. I had to be certain I knew you could handle this. Now, I have given you my understanding of the situation, and I'd like to hear your account in return. What led to you from the life of a conventional nova vitae to where you are now? I want to understand what a lifeform like you is capable of."

"I... I can do that. G-Give me a second..." The novae struggled to steady her breathing, but she managed it in the end. It was a welcome distraction from her own headspace to be able to share something of her own.

She regaled Irene of her past, this time in far greater detail from her earliest memories of silence all the way through her shapeshifting and her decisions to be what she is now. The apothecary kept an almost reverent silence as she took in every detail. The newly added context of her origins found its way into Kurai's account constantly. It became a stalwart explanation for many things she had no answers to in the past, even serving as an explanation for some events that seemed implausible at best.

At some point, the two stopped sitting down and instead stood at the railing. Kurai leaned against it by her elbows, hands clasped together with frequent partings to emphasize this and that as she spoke. Irene kept her back to the railing, leaving her facing away from the altar as she listened attentively.

"As it stands," Kurai continued, "I think I'm going to speak to Mr Meus about all this. I... I don't know how my origins changes things, but I know it still matters. If to no one else, then at least to me."

"It's always important to know who you are. It's why names hold so much weight. Though since you bring those origins up, I am curious if you ever did encounter this musth phenomenon yourself..."

"No, not as you described it. The closest thing I had was this frenzy when I was being punished. I don't know what came over me, but... I felt filthy to my very core. I thought the worse my punishment was, the more I would be atoned. The more Mr Meus would love me as his child. I thought I was accomplishing something with that self-sacrifice, and I couldn't have held myself back if I wanted to. It was the most violent I'd ever been, but it was towards myself, not others."

"And do you think you could do such a thing to another being?" Her question was unusually callous. Kurai felt a tinge of hurt at such an admission being treated as if it were pointless. Some egotistical part deep inside her wanted her past pains to be given far more attention and care.

"...If that same sensation came over me again, regardless of who it was aggrieving me towards, I don't think I'd be able to stop it. I can only hope that it doesn't happen ever. But again, I've never hurt anybody that severely... You have though, haven't you? Was it like that for you when you took a life, Miss Irene? How did you deal with that?"

"I sought atonement in my own right, also with Lord Meus no less." The sentiment weighed oddly on Kurai. She had convinced herself that she had nothing in common with Irene, yet... "Afterwards, I swore to never take another life. Then I had a patient with such constant pain and weakness in his limbs that he begged me to put him out of his misery. Said how he couldn't do it himself with his frail arms, and how he wanted to spare his family from asking them to do it. No one cared about sparing me from that burden, but I understood that my feelings didn't matter anymore. This simply came with the job. What did my vow mean if it meant I would let others agonize needlessly into a slow death, merely to pretend it had nothing to do with me?"

"Goodness... I hate to ask again how you dealt with that too. It sounds like it wasn't only once either..."

"It wasn't." Silence filled the air for some time before she continued with a different train of thought. "There were others too. Once, I treated a little boy. No older than six. Do you know much of children, Kurai? They are small, helpless things. Some of the most vulnerable creatures on Earth, left in the care of us humans to teach them who we are. This little boy learned that lesson all too well. He was so young, there was nothing he could have possibly done to provoke such anger, let alone any abuse being undeserved no matter what. Nonetheless, he arrived in my clinic covered in bruises and open sores. Festering ones. Specifically with signs of fecal matter having made contact at some point, all over his body, as if he were thrown into an outhouse in his condition.

"As it turned out, that wasn't far from the truth at all. He would be locked in there overnight as punishment, many times. It was Winter at that time, Kurai. Some of his bruises were already becoming necrosis. Hypothermia left scars that could never heal, on top of many wounds he never should have been made to experience. And as for how he was so battered in the first place? His father laughed when I made my inquiries. He said you wanted to get branches with a lot of stems when you were to hit a child. 'Snap the stems off near the base, and they add that extra sting,' his wife added, grinning. There was no attempt to hide who were the cause of all this.

"I made reports. Tried to get them sentenced for it. You know what the courts did? They were outraged, Kurai. Outraged that the government was wasting so many people's time and tax dollars on such a frivolous case. Said that mothers and fathers should be left to raise their children as they wished. Said all my medical reports were 'overly dripping with the female sentiment' and that I shouldn't be so melodramatic. Just give the kid some medicine and move on. That this was nothing new nor rare, aside from the severity that was nevertheless still tolerable to these fellow citizens. The little boy learned a lot at that time about who we are as humans, Kurai. I learned it too."

"...I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry you had to go through that." Her heart was feeling numb at this point in the conversation. She felt that she needed to lie down for a long time when she got home. "...I'm guessing since you were discussing euthanasia, the boy was...?"

"No. I don't know what came of him. It was the parents, you see. I couldn't stand knowing what happened, how justice was never served. I happened to run into them on the street one day, and a nagging sensation in the back of my head led me to inviting them to a social gathering. It was all a lie; the only person awaiting was me. When they arrived, I used water magic to forcibly absorb a poison into both of them. It was fast acting, but not lethal. Not in the moment. It paralyzed their bodies, and they would only die once dehydration took them, many hours later. I wanted to make sure they had time to feel it. The boy was sent to relatives, that much I know, but I never checked on him again after that. I can only hold faith that things got better for him."

"...It sounds more like you did it to get revenge than to protect him."

"It was. I was reckless. I shouldn't have let myself indulge in anyone's suffering, no matter how vile they were. I should have simply removed the problem to prevent further harm at their hands. If they deserve to suffer, then the Third will see to that, not me."

"Dear me..." Kurai found herself lost in some very unpleasant thoughts. "...I can see why know you were very reluctant to talk about these things before. Does it at least help, talking it out like this?"

"...How do you feel, then? If I had to do things again, I would have simply taken out those child torturers as quickly as possible. What would you have wanted to do, though?" She continued on without regard for the novae's question. That would have already been uncomfortable even without the worsening change of topics.

"Um... That's not an easy question to answer..." She bit her lip. "...I think I would have done what you did, though. They did deserve to be in pain after what they did to their own child—any child, for that matter—while laughing as if they were bragging about it. I don't think you were wrong for punishing them. I've thought about it a lot with the people who attacked me. How angry it left me, wishing I could get back at them. I think that little boy would have been happy knowing his abusers would never return."

"Right, you mention you've learned quickly. I should think you learned a lot from those incidents too. Do you see yourself growing stronger? What do you plan to do with that strength?"

"Um... I was wanting to protect myself and those closest to me, but... the more I hear of the city, the more it disturbs me. Maybe I should try something like you're doing. Getting rid of those evil, vile people."

"I don't go looking for conflicts, Kurai. I only respond to what I see before my own eyes."

"Well, maybe I could do that differently. I could go searching for those who need to be saved, and those who need to be saved from."

"...You would be very effective at it. With your aptitude and the versatility of your shapeshifting, I daresay your potential is limitless. And now that I know what kind of person you are, what you're willing to use that power for..." She didn't sound as if she was giving praise. Her expression was woefully somber.

"I'm only just now considering it, but I wouldn't say that it's the only things I want to do. I still want to share with you my own song someday, for example." She smiled at the apothecary, trying to lighten the mood. Irene only froze up, dread creeping into her features.

"What's wrong, Miss Irene?"

"...You said you shapeshifted into a mouse once. Could you do that again now?" The apothecary turned to face Kurai, arms folded behind her back.

"...That came from out of nowhere. Why would you want me to do that?"

"I'm just curious to see it. I'd appreciate it if you could."

"..." Kurai stared into that strange, saddened expression being poorly veiled. Alarm bells were going off in her head. "No, I'm not going to, Miss Irene."

"Do you not trust me?"

"Something is going on that you're not telling me."

"...A shame. You were always so naïve before this." A glow emanated behind Irene. The novae didn't have to wonder long before she discovered the source. Irene calmly pulled a tool out from behind her, grasped firmly in both hands. It was a hatchet, steel head glowing red-hot with purpose.

"It would have made this a lot easier." Before Kurai could react, Irene already swung it into her waist, cleaving deeply into her flesh. Once, twice, thrice... Kurai found herself split in twain in only a few seconds. The scent of her own burning flesh had only just reached her nostrils by the time Irene already shoved her barely-attached top half over the railing. The novae had reached out to shove her attacker away, and it was the only reason she was able to grab on to the railing at that last second rather than plummeting to the ground far below. The adrenaline shooting through her arms was the only thing keeping the agonizing pain from overwhelming her, but it was nonetheless impossible to ignore as she dangled from the choir loft.

"That potential of yours would make it impossible to stop you if you were left to grow," Irene spoke as she reached into the bag still resting on the bench. It was a gun that emerged from it. This one was no flintlock pistol, but rather a matchlock blunderbuss. It was already being lit by a spark at Irene's fingertips. "Whatever you claim to want now, that desire for vengeance burning in your chest can only grow for someone of your way of thinking. What will you do when you feel untouchable? When that ancient aleph instinct of 'might makes right' comes back in full force?"

She lifted the blunderbuss over the railing. Kurai could see all the way down the barrel. The match was almost up.

"We'll never have to find out those answers. Today is when you die. Goodbye, Kurai."

Her index finger squeezed down, ever so slightly.

"Irene, no!"

The sanctuary echoed with the roar of a gunshot.