Chapter 22 ~ Strolling, again

Bound by the hands and legs, Irene was sat in a pulpit chair across from Kurai. The sunlight glimmered through painted glass as Irene slowly stirred. The novae had expected it soon after she had grafted the other woman's damaged nape, but she found anxiety beginning to swell in her chest nonetheless.

"...Ugh, my head..." the apothecary moaned, trying to raise a hand to steady her head yet finding herself incapable of it. Her wrists and elbows were tied to the arms of the chair, and her ankles and knees were likewise to the legs of it. Her eyelids struggled to stay open, having drooped closed a long time ago.

"...Good morning. I hope you got some rest from all that." Kurai sat with the chair backwards. The way she subconsciously shrank down made it seem as if she was using the back of the chair as a shield. Even with how much it covered, it was still clear that she had recovered her body entirely. All but the smallest cosmetic details were unblemished. It was as if she had never been injured at all, let alone as grievously as Irene had done unto her.

"...Wait, what is this...? Why am I still alive? You should have already killed me, you monster, so why...?" She glared Kurai's way. The innocent, saddened look on the novae's face only fueled her paranoia with how paradoxical it was. "...No, don't tell me. You're out for revenge, aren't you? You're going to torture me before you take me out, is that it?"

"Is that your little surmising again, Miss Irene? I'm sorry to say, but you're wrong. I have no such plans."

"Then what? Are you the type that wants to look me in the eyes when you kill me?"

"No. I'm not going to kill you."

"Then..."

"Miss Irene, forgive me for the interruption, but I am not going to hurt you in any way. I have no desire for revenge."

"...Do you expect me to believe that after what just happened? What if I used this as a second chance to finish what I started...?"

"If it came to that, I would have no choice but to defend myself, and there's a chance that might end more deadly than last time. But I also doubt that will happen. Surely you've noticed your bindings are flimsy cloth that your fire magic would be able to burn through easily. But do you really think you could burn them all away before I notice, with them clearly in view? I would like to believe you're smart enough to recognize how well that would go.

"And beyond that... I can also hope you're able to see that people aren't so deterministic that you can pretend to know everything about them, no matter how much you wish to surmise. It feels as if you wish I would kill you or torture you just to prove you right. I'm not a monster, Miss Irene. Don't... don't think that of me simply for not being a human like you."

"...It's purely because you're not a human that your resemblance to one scares me so much. If you were completely nonhuman your capabilities would have been different, but... I can offer no quarter to a creature as similar to us as you are. Humans are sinful creatures. Their vices, indulging in wrath and lust and greed... It's only because of how physically limited they are that there's any sense of security. Were something like you to engage in such things as they do..."

"'They', huh? Is that how you see these 'sinful humans' compared to you?"

"..." Her head lowered, but she still refused to show any real expression beyond a furrowed brow. "...I am not without my own faults."

"Is that so?" Kurai crossed her arms. "I've been thinking... You're supposed to be a healer of the wounded, Miss Irene, not their executioner. Did it never occur to you that the patients you killed were crying out for help in a hopeless time of their lives? That you should have given them solace and a reason to keep living no matter how dire things got?"

"Don't pontificate at me. You weren't there. You don't know what happened."

"I know what didn't happen, and that was mercy. No matter how bad things seem, things are never truly hopeless, Miss Irene."

"The man I told you about had severe neurofibromatosis, Kurai. Lumps of flesh sprouted from him that sagged and hardened such as to make him unable to leave home without covering his face, lest he be assaulted by those deeming him an abomination. Lumps of flesh that had escalated into malignant cancerous tumors draining his life from him day by day. Those same cancerous tumors had already returned and spread worse despite him having returned from two different surgeons with the best-practice operations available. I had worked with him and other medical providers for years trying everything we could, even helping him financially with procedures that most people in the city could hardly afford even once, let alone multiple times. There was nothing more that could be done. I didn't give up on a patient at the first sign of trouble, Kurai, nor did I abandon them in a time of need. Don't make such assumptions."

"...Well..." The novae fidgeted in her chair. "Be that as it may, it doesn't change the fact that killing is wrong, no matter the reason. You speak as if your hand was forced, but there's always a choice..."

"...I see what's going on here." Irene relaxed as best she could while bound to the chair. A hint of contempt crept into her features. "You're trying to convince yourself, not me."

"What? No, that's not what I'm saying!"

"You want to believe there's always a clean, peaceful solution if you try hard enough. What are you scared of? Retribution? Commitment? Self-reflection after the fact?"

"That's not what's going on!" Her expression was twisted into a panic.

"Say that to me again with a straight face."

"..." Kurai could only bite her lip in response.

"You're scared of the chance you could become a monster too, aren't you? That's why you want to believe you can always avoid being backed into a corner. You hate the thought that you could ever be forced into becoming such a thing." The contempt slowly faded into a look of pity.

"...There's two parts of a person's growth, Kurai. Nature and nurture. You can't control how you're born, nor can you control how the world around you demands you to adapt. One can hardly expect to be an avid reader in a village that burns all books. Of course, you can still make your own choices, but only those that are possible in your circumstances. You're right that I could have kept my hands clean. I did choose to kill. I regret the situation that happened, not my actions to respond to them. One day, you're going to have to either dirty your hands and live with that regret or to be an innocent bystander as you see suffering before your eyes. I only hope then that you'll understand the weight of your decision before you make it, rather than afterwards."

"...I don't want to ever have to be in that position."

"Nobody ever does."

The stained glass continued to shimmer over the nave as if offering color to a silent reverence. Kurai did not know what she was seeing from the figures in the glass. Whatever religious significance they had was beyond her. Even with Irene more than likely able to tell her all about it, it was unnecessary. All that mattered to the girl was that it was beautiful. The shining added to its edges by the sunlight only added to that, but even without such a glow it would still be a comforting sight.

"...Is that the price of love, Miss Irene? To hold such a love for anyone in this world is to accept the burden of conflict?

"It's the price of life."

"I suppose it is." The novae continued to stare up in contemplative awe at the glass. Irene couldn't see it; it was all behind the chair she was bound to now. She had already seen such glass enough in her lifetime to no longer need such luster.

"...What else do you want? I don't wish to idly chat while I remain bound."

"Mm... I noticed you spoke of 'one day' in the future. Does that mean you will not try to kill me again after this?"

"...Yes. The monster I aimed for is gone from my sight, and the patient before me has made no such requests." She sighed heavily, only to notice the novae continued to stare at her expectantly. "Again, what more do you want?"

"Well, I still haven't heard you say sorry..."

"If I've really erred in all I've done to you, no amount of apologies are enough to make amends for it. There's nothing that would be sufficient..."

"I don't care about what counts as 'enough'! I just want to hear it in your own words. To Hell with whatever anybody else would say about it not being enough! It still matters to me."

"..." Irene's gaze met Kurai's. She parted her lips, but her words were caged far deeper. Her eyes soon averted and her mouth closed once more. Her face was festered with guilt.

"...Am I unworthy of even that much in your eyes?" She couldn't help but feel purposefully ignored, no matter what was on the apothecary's face.

"It's not that, it's..." Even that instinctive response found itself cut short.

"..." Kurai stared at the woman and saw only that there were once again no more words to be had. Disappointment clashed with doubt in her heart about everything that led to this moment. With a sigh, she rose to her feet. "Fine. If I can't be granted even that much, then I have no choice but to take something from you before I leave. Don't move."

In spite of the command, Irene stirred in her seat as Kurai suddenly came at her. She now burned the restraints around her wrists. In the few seconds she had, it wasn't long enough to free herself before the novae was already wrapped around her. It was a tight hug, one that would almost be painful in a normal context, though quite paled against the earlier events of the day. Kurai really was such a soft figure even in such a squeeze. Irene made no moves to even attempt to return the embrace, but her eyes still began to close of their own accord.

"I don't know what humans are supposed to do in this scenario, Miss Irene. Should they take revenge on you for this? Should they remove you the same way you would unto them? Should they turn you in to the constables, and even turn themselves in alongside you? Well, you're right that I'm not a human at heart. This is my answer instead."

She couldn't feel the apothecary move a muscle at this point. If there was any expression on the woman's face, Kurai couldn't tell. It was like hugging a doll, accentuated with the scent of smoke as the apothecary quietly singed and snapped her bindings, making no further movements. A minute passed in silent embrace before Kurai let go and backed up.

"...Well, I suppose I should start heading back to the manor soon. The boys must be worried sick about me." She forced a cheerful smile. It was only met with a blank expression from the smaller woman, accentuated only with a tense brow. Her hands rested in her lap. "...I'm going to be going now. I won't be telling Mr Meus about any of this. If anyone asks, I'll just say... that I was out on a stroll. After all... you won't be trying anything like this again, right?" This time, she was answered by a slight, singular nod. The fact that Irene hadn't done anything even without her binds was hopefully a good sign.

Without any more wasteful words, Kurai lowered her head in a pseudo-bow before making her exit. Irene was left alone in the light of the stained glass, and she wouldn't move for a long time even after the novae had departed.