Chapter 10:
Colt M1911A1 vs. German Tiger Panzer
The Girl From The Grocery Store Across The Street Is (NOT!) A Robot, She's Just Incredibly, Incredibly, Incredibly WEIRD!
“Do you need me to repeat the question?”
“No… I…”
How could I explain the situation? There’s a very, very famous movie set in World War II with one of the best casts ever, but that doesn’t matter. If you pay attention, you notice a lot of the scenes are honestly absurd in a real situation—like the iconic one where the guy shoots a tank with just a pistol.
That’s what a hypothetical argument with Kiri could be reduced to, except there was no room for fictional twists.
I was a Colt M1911A1 and she was a Tiger tank.
“Take the day.” She said, picking up her phone again.
“Hey…”
“I’m saying, in a polite way, leave.”
“Kiri…”
“Now.” I could hear her nails tapping against the plastic of her phone screen.
“Okay… okay, fine…” I said, turning around. I held my arms above my head like if she had a gun on me.
“Just like that?” she said, her nails tapping harder against the phone screen. “You have nothing else to say?”
“Would apologizing help? I mean… I already messed it up. Anything I say now is just a dumb attempt at damage control.”
“You could… you could have said you… wanted to know more about me…” She lifted her head for a few seconds but immediately went back to her phone.
“Okay, okay, pause. Time out.” I answered, walking back to the counter.
“Is that a no?”
“No, it’s not a no.”
“Then? The other person always finds out things behind your back because you simply can’t say them.”
“Huh?”
“That.”
“No, yeah, I heard you, but what the hell are you talking about, Kiri?”
“Movies…”
“You’re really going to apply that to this situation out of all possible ones?” I exhaled while resting my forehead on the counter—probably hilarious if seen from outside. My height and how low the counter was made a bad combination. “Come on, insult me, throw a sharp line, give me the silent treatment, something, anything.”
“I understand. So I should get angry…?”
“Yes.”
“Not talk to you for several days…”
“Exactly, you’re on the right track.”
“… And then this would resolve with dramatic tension.”
“You had to go full drama, didn’t you?” I asked, running my hand through my hair. Honestly I was a little exasperated.
Let me make one thing clear: under no circumstances do I usually admit mistakes so openly. Though I suppose most people are like that—they like the actions but not the consequences (if they’re negative, of course). In this situation I was basically trying to 'reap what I sowed' while Kiri had a bag ready to throw the 'harvest' out of sight.
A stupid metaphor, but fit for a moment like this.
“So there really is something wrong with my head.”
“Of course there’s something wrong with your head. All your wires were connected by a colorblind guy who mixed up left and right.”
“Hey, I'm your boss, keep that in mind, Tanaka.”
“Sorry, one step back then.” Not literally. “Yes, you’re really weird, seriously, but… honestly… I don’t really care…”
“That’s what they say in movies, actually…” She leaned to the side and started rummaging under the drawer where the pile of DVDs was. “There’s a movie I really like… and something similar happens…”
“Kiri, this isn’t a movie. It’s not a series. It’s not an anime. You can’t just measure everything with that yardstick.”
“How am I supposed to do it then? What do you like, Tanaka?” she asked.
“Lots of things.” Not really—I’m a pretty boring guy.
“Tell me one.”
“Dinosaurs.”
“Okay. How would you behave in front of a dinosaur?”
“What kind of question is that? Dinosaurs don’t exist.”
“They’re extinct, but they existed. Don’t be ignorant.”
“You got my point.”
“I got it, yes. I just felt the need to correct you.”
I had to keep my head down—not from shame, but so she wouldn’t see I was holding back laughter. I mean, the situation was completely bizarre—for lack of a better rating.
She had her head in the clouds, which technically isn’t bad, but you know—if your head’s in the clouds you’re the first to get wet when it rains.
“I can… you know… start over, if you want.”
“Explain.”
“I’m not going to pretend I didn’t invade your privacy. I’m an idiot b—”
“I know you’re an idiot, Tanaka.”
“Let me finish. I know I’m an idiot, but I’m not trying to justify it. So let’s start over, okay?” I straightened my back, took her phone, placed it on the counter, and put my hand over it. “I ask, you answer. No dual channel this time. If you can’t answer, you just don’t.”
It took her a few moments to reply—probably because I’d taken away her escape route, or probably (more probably, or at least that’s what I prefer to think) because she hadn’t let go of her phone, which meant my hand was directly on hers.
“No… I…”
How could I explain the situation? There’s a very, very famous movie set in World War II with one of the best casts ever, but that doesn’t matter. If you pay attention, you notice a lot of the scenes are honestly absurd in a real situation—like the iconic one where the guy shoots a tank with just a pistol.
That’s what a hypothetical argument with Kiri could be reduced to, except there was no room for fictional twists.
I was a Colt M1911A1 and she was a Tiger tank.
“Take the day.” She said, picking up her phone again.
“Hey…”
“I’m saying, in a polite way, leave.”
“Kiri…”
“Now.” I could hear her nails tapping against the plastic of her phone screen.
“Okay… okay, fine…” I said, turning around. I held my arms above my head like if she had a gun on me.
“Just like that?” she said, her nails tapping harder against the phone screen. “You have nothing else to say?”
“Would apologizing help? I mean… I already messed it up. Anything I say now is just a dumb attempt at damage control.”
“You could… you could have said you… wanted to know more about me…” She lifted her head for a few seconds but immediately went back to her phone.
“Okay, okay, pause. Time out.” I answered, walking back to the counter.
“Is that a no?”
“No, it’s not a no.”
“Then? The other person always finds out things behind your back because you simply can’t say them.”
“Huh?”
“That.”
“No, yeah, I heard you, but what the hell are you talking about, Kiri?”
“Movies…”
“You’re really going to apply that to this situation out of all possible ones?” I exhaled while resting my forehead on the counter—probably hilarious if seen from outside. My height and how low the counter was made a bad combination. “Come on, insult me, throw a sharp line, give me the silent treatment, something, anything.”
“I understand. So I should get angry…?”
“Yes.”
“Not talk to you for several days…”
“Exactly, you’re on the right track.”
“… And then this would resolve with dramatic tension.”
“You had to go full drama, didn’t you?” I asked, running my hand through my hair. Honestly I was a little exasperated.
Let me make one thing clear: under no circumstances do I usually admit mistakes so openly. Though I suppose most people are like that—they like the actions but not the consequences (if they’re negative, of course). In this situation I was basically trying to 'reap what I sowed' while Kiri had a bag ready to throw the 'harvest' out of sight.
A stupid metaphor, but fit for a moment like this.
“So there really is something wrong with my head.”
“Of course there’s something wrong with your head. All your wires were connected by a colorblind guy who mixed up left and right.”
“Hey, I'm your boss, keep that in mind, Tanaka.”
“Sorry, one step back then.” Not literally. “Yes, you’re really weird, seriously, but… honestly… I don’t really care…”
“That’s what they say in movies, actually…” She leaned to the side and started rummaging under the drawer where the pile of DVDs was. “There’s a movie I really like… and something similar happens…”
“Kiri, this isn’t a movie. It’s not a series. It’s not an anime. You can’t just measure everything with that yardstick.”
“How am I supposed to do it then? What do you like, Tanaka?” she asked.
“Lots of things.” Not really—I’m a pretty boring guy.
“Tell me one.”
“Dinosaurs.”
“Okay. How would you behave in front of a dinosaur?”
“What kind of question is that? Dinosaurs don’t exist.”
“They’re extinct, but they existed. Don’t be ignorant.”
“You got my point.”
“I got it, yes. I just felt the need to correct you.”
I had to keep my head down—not from shame, but so she wouldn’t see I was holding back laughter. I mean, the situation was completely bizarre—for lack of a better rating.
She had her head in the clouds, which technically isn’t bad, but you know—if your head’s in the clouds you’re the first to get wet when it rains.
“I can… you know… start over, if you want.”
“Explain.”
“I’m not going to pretend I didn’t invade your privacy. I’m an idiot b—”
“I know you’re an idiot, Tanaka.”
“Let me finish. I know I’m an idiot, but I’m not trying to justify it. So let’s start over, okay?” I straightened my back, took her phone, placed it on the counter, and put my hand over it. “I ask, you answer. No dual channel this time. If you can’t answer, you just don’t.”
It took her a few moments to reply—probably because I’d taken away her escape route, or probably (more probably, or at least that’s what I prefer to think) because she hadn’t let go of her phone, which meant my hand was directly on hers.
“Sleeping bag.”
“I know what it is.” she answered.
“I mean you have a sleeping bag here.”
“I know I have one, Tanaka.”
“I mean—aaah… Do you live here?”
“In the store? Are you stupid?” She spoke while keeping her gaze on her hand—or maybe on mine (or on the phone, which at this point was an extension of her). “I sleep here. I live in 4C.”
“You live with the old lady who gives me bentos?” Dignity minus 100, and critical hit—if this were an RPG I’d need a healing potion.
“She’s my grandma.”
“Ah, sorry.”
“Yeah, she’s awful.”
“No, I meant I apologize.”
“Why? She’s awful.”
“Because… forget it…” I answered, rubbing my temple. “… continue…”
“Do you need me to describe how awful my grandma is?”
"What? No. Just… ask things… I think that’s how it’s supposed to be…” I said while lifting my hand. Though for some reason she left hers in place. I mean, she didn’t try to type on her phone.
“What do you like, Tanaka?” she asked.
“Lots of things.”
“You already said that.”
“Dinosaurs.” I’m not saying it.
“You already said that too. What else?”
“Not much.” Seriously, I’m not doing it.
“Okay, within the ‘not much’ then.”
“Uuh… coming here?” Not in my wildest dreams am I saying it, seriously.
“Flattering and vague. Synthesize.”
“You.” Shit.
What matters in the end isn’t whether a Colt M1911A1 can take down a Tiger tank, but holding the line until the P-51 Mustang arrives.
After the P-51 Mustang comes the rescue team—if we follow the earlier line of thought—when everything is already useless and the problem either gets solved or ends with everyone full of holes.
The rescue team took the form of the door opening and some feet shuffling on the ceramic.
In short: the mango old man.
“The milk on sale… the one on the sign…” the old man asked.
“There are six signs.” Kiri said, finally back in her 'usual mode,' though I could see her leg twitching under the counter.
“Which sign, sir…?” I asked while trying to see not only where the old man was pointing his cane but also how that cane was doing everything except staying steady.
“That one over there… is that the one from TV?”
“Of course.” Kiri said.
“And even that pack is limited edition.” I added while pulling out my phone—the vibration at that exact moment was no coincidence, and I didn’t need to think hard to know who it was.
[… Idiot…]
[Yup.]
[Borderline homeless, defaulter, potentially ignorant.]
[Okay... I guess that’s the reaction you should’ve had from the beginning.]
[Double idiot… cubed]
[Look, seriously… sorry about that, I was… too direct…]
[No… … … actually… … …]
[Actually?]
[… (⸝⸝╸-╺⸝⸝)]
“I know what it is.” she answered.
“I mean you have a sleeping bag here.”
“I know I have one, Tanaka.”
“I mean—aaah… Do you live here?”
“In the store? Are you stupid?” She spoke while keeping her gaze on her hand—or maybe on mine (or on the phone, which at this point was an extension of her). “I sleep here. I live in 4C.”
“You live with the old lady who gives me bentos?” Dignity minus 100, and critical hit—if this were an RPG I’d need a healing potion.
“She’s my grandma.”
“Ah, sorry.”
“Yeah, she’s awful.”
“No, I meant I apologize.”
“Why? She’s awful.”
“Because… forget it…” I answered, rubbing my temple. “… continue…”
“Do you need me to describe how awful my grandma is?”
"What? No. Just… ask things… I think that’s how it’s supposed to be…” I said while lifting my hand. Though for some reason she left hers in place. I mean, she didn’t try to type on her phone.
“What do you like, Tanaka?” she asked.
“Lots of things.”
“You already said that.”
“Dinosaurs.” I’m not saying it.
“You already said that too. What else?”
“Not much.” Seriously, I’m not doing it.
“Okay, within the ‘not much’ then.”
“Uuh… coming here?” Not in my wildest dreams am I saying it, seriously.
“Flattering and vague. Synthesize.”
“You.” Shit.
What matters in the end isn’t whether a Colt M1911A1 can take down a Tiger tank, but holding the line until the P-51 Mustang arrives.
After the P-51 Mustang comes the rescue team—if we follow the earlier line of thought—when everything is already useless and the problem either gets solved or ends with everyone full of holes.
The rescue team took the form of the door opening and some feet shuffling on the ceramic.
In short: the mango old man.
“The milk on sale… the one on the sign…” the old man asked.
“There are six signs.” Kiri said, finally back in her 'usual mode,' though I could see her leg twitching under the counter.
“Which sign, sir…?” I asked while trying to see not only where the old man was pointing his cane but also how that cane was doing everything except staying steady.
“That one over there… is that the one from TV?”
“Of course.” Kiri said.
“And even that pack is limited edition.” I added while pulling out my phone—the vibration at that exact moment was no coincidence, and I didn’t need to think hard to know who it was.
[… Idiot…]
[Yup.]
[Borderline homeless, defaulter, potentially ignorant.]
[Okay... I guess that’s the reaction you should’ve had from the beginning.]
[Double idiot… cubed]
[Look, seriously… sorry about that, I was… too direct…]
[No… … … actually… … …]
[Actually?]
[… (⸝⸝╸-╺⸝⸝)]
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