Chapter 10

I was dreaming once again, but this time, it felt different. I was in the darkness, but the light that normally surrounded me was gone, replaced by a low drone pulsating in the void, trying to pierce my core and tear me apart.

Where was I…? Who was I...? I tried to touch my face, but my fingers just passed through my body without any resistance. I’m not real… The surge of thoughts dissolved into nothingness as the drone intensified, enveloping my soul to pull it away.

No…

—-

I snapped my eyes open and bolted upright in bed, covered in cold sweat and gasping for air.

“Yuna…”

I flinched at the sound of her voice and then glanced to see Xiaolian sitting at the edge of my bed, watching me.

“It's okay.”

She smiled and reached over, putting her hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay, Yuna… You are real,” she said softly, but her words filled me with dread, and the fear that had followed me from the dream exploded in my chest, and I gasped for air.

How could I know it was true? I tried to touch my face, but even if I could feel the soft skin under my fingertips, it didn’t convince me. I paused and turned to her. How did she know what my dream had been about…? I tried to ask, but the words stuck in my throat as I gasped for air once more. How would I know I was real…? I knew how stupid it sounded, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake off the feeling.

She let go of me and started fiddling with her onesie, and to my horror, she retrieved a safety pin from it. I froze as my eyes fell on its sharp point, and the memories of what I had witnessed last night flashed before my eyes as the walls of the room closed around me. No… I wanted to stop her, but my body refused to move as she leaned towards me and whispered,

“If you feel pain, you are real…”

I watched with wide eyes as she offered me her coiled pin. No… I tried to shake my head. No…

She smiled.

“You will feel better.”

“That’s…why you do it to yourself?”, I whispered.

She nodded.

“It makes you feel real.”

She gave me a reassuring smile, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face as I watched the sharp point, imagining how it would feel to...

“No… Not this… T-there must be another way,” I stammered.

She paused for a moment and looked at me, thinking.

“The others have different ways...”

“D-different ways…?”

I smiled nervously and finally managed to turn my gaze from the pin.

“L-let’s…try something else first.”

She nodded slowly and closed her eyes. Only then did I notice my hands were trembling, and my shirt, covered in sweat, clung to my back. She hesitantly reached over and brushed some loose hair from my cheek, letting her hand run through my hair and brush my ear. It felt so awkward and strangely familiar at the same time… I pulled my flushed face away, not daring to look at her.

“What... What are you doing?”

“Eun-Ji… She likes attention, it makes her feel real…”

She pulled her knees up under her chin, trying to hide her sudden embarrassment.

“You... You wanted to try something else, so…”, she murmured.

I blinked.

“It's... it's okay,” I whispered, trying to gather my thoughts. "I... I feel better... Thank you.”

She looked at me concerned, resting her cheek on her knees.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded, terrified of what she would do if I said otherwise, even though the feeling of emptiness still lingered in my chest, filling my heart with dread. Suddenly, the silence became unbearable.

“What do the others do to feel real?”, I blurted out.

She shivered and hesitantly looked at me.

“I am sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” I whispered as a pang of guilt shot through my chest.

“It’s okay, Yuna… We are friends, it’s just…”

She paused and glanced at me, pulling her knees even closer to her chest. She looked so fragile… What had happened to her?

“It’s okay…”

I tried to smile and hesitantly put my hand on her back. She sighed with relief and shuffled closer to me. It felt different from her last attempt, not so forced, and even though she sat so close, I could feel my body relax as the soft scent of roses filled my senses. Slowly, she rested her head on my shoulder. It felt awkward, but I couldn’t shake the creeping feeling that we’d done it before.

“I just don’t like to think about the others...”

I didn’t know what to say. Everything she said made me uneasy, and I regretted asking in the first place. But we were friends… Weren’t friends supposed to support each other? I inhaled the soft scent of roses and slowly ran my hand over her back, hoping it would offer her some comfort.

“Xi feels real but also really empty. No matter how much she reads, everything she feels from it slowly fades. She cares about us a lot and lets us be...”

“Xi… You mean Xiaolian?”, I asked quietly.

She nodded, and I waited for her to continue, but she stayed silent, and I didn’t dare to ask any further. She glanced at her watch and whispered,

“Dinner will be soon.”

I blinked and looked out the window at the settling dusk.

“Have I slept for so long?”

She nodded and moved away from me.

“You should get ready.”

I nodded and stumbled to the en-suite toilet. It was too late to take a shower, so I just washed my face with cold water and then took the brush to comb my hair, tangled after the sleep. It was so tempting to look into the mirror, but I tried to resist the urge, repeating to myself that I was real and would not disappear, but the brush began to tremble in my hand, and I bolted out, not daring to stay alone.

My hand traced my jawline as I stood shivering in the room, and part of me wondered if it had always been so smooth.

“Xiaolian…”

I shuddered when she turned to me with a blank expression, but I managed to whisper,

“Could you…help me brush my hair?”

She took the brush from my hand, and we sat down on my bed, and I could feel her mechanical, precise movements as her fingers worked through it. It felt so unsettling, but I didn’t dare ask her to stop, and by the time she was done, my neck was so tense that it hurt, but somehow I couldn’t be angry at her for it.

I got up and tried to stretch, but it didn’t really help much. I sighed and looked at her. She still sat on my bed, fiddling with the brush as she followed me with her gaze.

“Shall...shall I brush your hair too before we go?”

She went still at my words and then quietly extended the brush to me. It felt so weird. Couldn’t she just have asked? Still… I sat behind her and slipped my fingers through her hair before I reached for the brush and started to comb it.

“Do you like it?”

“I do,” she murmured. “It somehow feels familiar, even if I don’t know why...”

I closed my eyes, letting the feeling in my palms guide my brush. I didn’t have many memories of my parents, they died when I was very young, but the feeling of my mum brushing my hair was so strong that I sometimes thought it had happened yesterday. I only wished I could see her face, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never remember what she looked like.