Daring To Sleep

Momentum rattled the bulkheads of the skiff as Sayane and Azag sat in silence. The bench was utilitarian and uncomfortable, but Sayane didn’t care. Something about being able to finally sit had allowed her mind and body to finally release, and now exhaustion was settling in beside relief. Occasional hints of tears bit at her eyes, but none fell.

For now, she was simply relieved.

After everything, it was finally done. Even though Vraxlyn The Broken had escaped and so many new challenges and concerns had already appeared, she still allowed herself to feel a moment of relief as Azag sat hunched forward beside her. Slow, raspy breaths echoed against the cold metal, but his hand never left hers.

Sayane noticed the hoses that usually ran from his back to his mask were now dangling loosely from their mounts. Only now did she finally see the crude, haphazard mounts that they originated from. In all their time together, she’d only caught glimpses of them peaking from beneath his clothing. But now, without a shirt or tunic to hide them, Sayane could see that every chunk of metal was drilled directly into his body.

“Oh, Azag,” she sighed as she touched one of the hoses.

“I’ll be okay,” he sighed.

“I’m sorry. I never noticed these fully. Did you do this to yourself?” she asked as his hand came to rest on her thigh.

He simply nodded.

“The pain is very severe, every day. So, in desperation, I drilled into the glands for my kind’s control chemicals. There in my back. The hoses fed a stream to my mask, which I’d inhale to help trick myself into feeling okay.”

Now the tears threatened to return. Sayane had known hardship and pain, and she didn’t discount the struggles of her life, especially since arriving in Illarios. But Azag’s struggle was something beyond comprehension. As he sat there, nearly gasping for air with every breath, Sayane wanted nothing more than to pour out every ounce of her strength to ease his suffering. It was almost as though Azag knew that. He let out a faint chuckle and ran his hand along her leg.

“I’ll survive. I’ve felt worse. Please, don’t stress about me.”

Then he finally dared to face her and let her look upon his mutilated face. Lidless, unblinking eyes were earnest as they looked at her exhausted form. Curved ridges of scarred underskin folded along his angular, birdlike brow. Fangs layered over one another as his jaw tensed, and the two bent mandibles flexed. Though he was intimidating and foreign to her, Sayane looked upon him and felt only longing, gentleness, and all-encompassing desire of every kind. His hand rose to her cheek, and hers did as well.

“You’re really still here,” he inhaled as silver liquid slowly streaked from his eyes.

All Sayane could do was exhale.

“I am. I don’t know how or why, but I’m still here. And so are you,” she sniffed.

Truly, both had expected to die only hours ago. Then they’d expected to die again. Both had expected Sayane to finally fade. Yet there they were, both very much alive. That aliveness now felt more sacred and fragile than anything else in the world, and the two of them pulled against one another in desperate elation.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Azag whispered.

“I don’t want to,” Sayane admitted.

Up till a few hours ago, she’d made peace with death and fading. She’d thought her ethereal journey was over. Yet now she was faced with the uncertain acceptance that she was still alive, for now. Neither of them could remotely discern how much ‘now’ she had left.

It could be an hour. It could be a day. Or a week. Or a year. Or years.

No matter how long, Sayane found herself yearning for nothing more than to cling to Azag’s gentle embrace.

Eventually, the skiff came to a stop, and they were back at the traveling vessels from the tour.

“Our tour bus,” Sayane smiled in a tired smile as she and Azag slowly stepped down from their skiff to greet the familiar sight.

“I feel like it’s been a month since we left,” Azag smiled.

Sayane laughed and nodded.

“What a day… What a damn day,” she snorted as she covered her mouth.

“Has to be one of the more eventful ones of my life. You?” Azag jested as he opened the crystal-implanted door to return them to their quarters.

“Top ten, I think,” Sayane agreed in jest.

Inside, everything was as they’d left it. Faced with annihilation and the potential fading of Sayane, neither had cleaned up after their morning rituals from the last day before they’d departed. Looking down at half-drank vessels of water beside notes on Silence base locations, Sayane could only feel wonder. She truly was still there.

Before she realized it, she was spinning to face Azag, who was also looking around the familiar yet now foreign space.

“Azag?” she asked.

“Hmm?” he replied.

“Would you bathe with me?” she asked.

It was only a partially sensual request. They were filthy. Blood, dirt, dust, soot, and all manner of other fluids covered them. Both of their outfits were destroyed. Sayane needed a bath, but she also needed to be against him. Azag found a nearby walking cane of his, then nodded.

“I’d like that,” he said.

The bathing room was directly behind Azag’s. Both entered without another word. Warm water was poured from the reserve tank until the tub was full. Azag’s fingers glided along the rising pool as he looked at Sayane, who was sitting at the bath’s edge with her eyes closed. When the water stopped, Sayane’s eyes opened. Before she could speak, Azag was standing and limping to her side. His free hand extended without a word, offering Sayane help up from her seat.

Neither looked away from the other as both began to undress. At first, their tired fingers were undoing their own clasps and harnesses. But then Azag began to struggle with one of his braces. Sayane stepped to be near him to help, and he paused to let her undo the latch. Fabric loosened and nearly fell away. His hand found her top and slowly pulled it to the side until it draped along her chest.

Nervous warmth drifted across Sayane’s skin as her eyes met his just as her fingers pulled the torn covering down, exposing herself. Once again, his hand was at her side. Once again, she blushed at the fact that he could hold the entirety of her side in his grasp.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he said.

Her fingers reached his waistband and slowly pulled down.

“So are you,” she replied.

Then they were fully vulnerable with one another. Bit by bit, they slowly eased into the water. It took Azag a moment to find his footing. Sayane never released his hand. Once he was in place, he sat on the small ledge in the pool. She blushed, then moved to sit in his lap. Without a word, he scooped her into his arms. Skin met skin as they embraced once more. Metal bracings pressed against bruised flesh. He smelled of soil as his head lowered to hers.

Pleasant warmth moved from the water to their bodies, washing away the pains of the day from their souls just like the dirt from their skin. Sayane closed her eyes and allowed the softness of the moment to consume her.

“This is nice,” she sighed.

“It is,” Azag agreed.

Darkness had overtaken the world by the time they were done, but the quietness around them told Sayane that few had yet returned. Though she wanted to wait for the others to return, something beyond fatigue had set into her body, and she was swiftly losing the ability to keep her eyes open. Terror was the only thing keeping her awake as Azag led her to her room.

“What if I fade?” she whispered as tears threatened to return.

“I don’t think you will right now. I’ll stay right here beside you, I promise,” he answered.

“I don’t want to go,” Sayane whimpered.

“Then believe you’ll stay. Just stay for another sunrise. Then another. Then another.”

Sayane closed her eyes.

Nothing flashed in her mind. No terrier of Vraxlyn. No images of Tokyo or the stage or her time in Illarios appeared. Only a simple stillness greeted her. She dared to believe that meant she had more time. At least one more sunrise.

“One more sunrise. Then another. Then another,” she repeated as she slowly crawled into the enormous bed.

She wanted as many sunrises as possible.

“Then another,” Azag agreed as he sat beside her with a grunt.

Sayane’s hand swiftly found his once more.

“Please, I’d like to see the sunrise with everyone,” she whispered.

It was as much a request to the universe as it was to Azag to wake her.

“I’ll make sure you get to see it. I’ll be right here beside you all night, I promise,” he said as his thumb grazed hers.

“I love you,” Sayane replied.

“I love you,” he said as his roughened mouth gently kissed the top of her head.

In his heart he was terrified. He was as afraid of her fading as she was, but her panic attack had unnerved him as well. Sayane needed to rest and he knew it. All he could do was sit by her side as she dozed off and hope that she would in fact open her eyes again in that world.

Sleep overtook Sayane in minutes, and soon she was pulled into the welcoming embrace of darkness. Just as the soft blackness began to appear, Sayane felt a flinch of fear that this might be goodbye. She knew she couldn’t stop it if it was, so all she could do was cherish the feeling of his hand holding hers there in the darkness.

“This life is beautiful,” she whispered as she surrendered to unconsciousness.

Time floated by in a blank quiet as exhaustion forced dreams away. Nothing appeared to Sayane’s mind beyond a welcome respite of deep slumber. Hours bled together, and distant sounds whispered in the recesses of her mind as thousands arrived at the camp in waves. Still, she slept. Voices danced in the darkness, but still she slept.

Then, cautious, gentle tentacles were lifting her from bed.

“Mmmm,” she muttered from her rest.

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay. Can-Mo has you,” Azag whispered as his hand ran along her head.

Leathery coils slid around Sayane’s body, cradling her in a padded, safe hold as she floated up from the bed, then glided out into a cool evening breeze. Distant sounds of life stirred her from her dreamy journey, and she slowly opened her eyes.

It was still dark out. Can-Mo was carrying her, and Azag was there beside them, his eyes still on her.

Without speaking, her hand returned to his as the other touched Can-Mo’s cheek.

“Good morning, my beautiful songstress,” Can-Mo smiled.

“Good morning,” Sayane replied.

“Another sunrise,” Azag said.

“The most important sunrise,” Sayane smiled as she closed her eyes for a little longer.

Dawn would be there soon, and she knew that the others would be waiting for her. Soon, they’d be watching the sun rise on the first day of the new world.