When Kento Left

15 Years Ago – Suzuki Kento

“So this is what is what it comes down to after all these years?” Sophia seemed upset. I was somewhat surprised as she seemed apathetic about everything for a long time now. But what I said to her just now seemed to pierce her armor after all.

“You know as well as I do that of what we once were, nothing much is left.” I never said those words out loud before and even now I didn't know whether I even wanted to say them to her, whether they were true or not. That what once were was something special to me and I could only assume to her as well and the circumstances that lead to it all falling apart were not something that either of us really had control over. But at the same time, we seemingly could do nothing to stop the situation from deteriorating further and further and at this point I needed to take some drastic action before something happened that never could be taken back.

“I know, Kento,” Sophia answered after a while. “But you can't blame me for all that happened.”

“I never said I did. I have my fair share of mistakes to answer for, but at this point I see no chance of things getting back to a point were our relationship becomes something worthwhile again.”

Now Sophia started to cry. I didn't know whether that was just an act to keep me from leaving, but Sophia never was the type of person to fake her feelings, so I assumed that she truly was hurting. But why now and not all those other times when it seemed like her heart was frozen? After Yuto had died Sophia tried her best to be there for our daughter and even for me, but it became apparent pretty quickly that something inside her broke that day and would never be whole again. And that was five years ago. Our daughter had a son of her own now and it was apparent that he was a moon as well, so me leaving now seemed even more like I was running away from something, but at this point I didn't have the strength to keep fighting for something that was not going to be possible.

I wasn't proud of what I was about to do, but I felt that if I stayed here I would only serve as a constant reminder of something that was long gone and could only cause pain. I felt sorry for our daughter and my grandson, but it seemed unavoidable to me that everyone involved in this had to pay a price to make things move forward. So I was hoping that Sopha and our daughter could work out things on their own. I wasn't even sure where I wanted to go or what I was supposed to do, but my resolve still didn't waver.

“I knew this would happen Kento. And maybe it's for the better,” Sophia finally said. Did she think that or was that just something to make me feel better?

“I'm sorry. I know I'm too weak to bear this situation. But at this point I can still take action, so that's what I'm going to do. Even if my action is pathetic.”

“I know you will come back when it counts Kento.”

“I think you have too much trust in me.”

“It won't be very soon. But at some point there will be more fighting and if you want it or not, it does involve you still.” I knew she was right about this and I still wanted to believe that I could just leave it all behind me. Out of sight, out of mind.

“Won't you try to stop me from leaving? Because of our daughter? Or our grandchild?”

“I know that once you made a decision you don't change it. And if you want to leave, I won't stop you. Especially when in your mind, you were far away for a long time by now.” Those words hurt, but she was right. In my head the thought of escaping everything and starting a new life had taken hold a long time ago and it only grew stronger the more time passed. Maybe I was just a terrible husband after all. A terrible father as well.

“After Yuto had died I didn't know how to continue Kento, did you know that? I put on a strong face, but inside I was just an empty husk. But I think you must have felt it even back then.”

'”Yes, I did know that. Something inside you was never the same again. But I didn't know what to do about it and I still don't know to this day. That's why I'm running away. I failed at being a support for you.” Sophia shook her head.

“No Kento, you didn't fail. You did what you could. It was my failure for never moving on. And now it's too late.” Why didn't we have this conversation a long time ago? Before everything else fell apart? I couldn't say anything in response.

“You are going now?” Sophia suddenly said. And the reality of it took hold of me. Was I about to make big mistake? But I tried to remember myself of what the reality of living with her in this house had been for the last five years and that brought back my resolve.

“Yes, I'm going now. Again, I'm sorry.” Then we embraced each other one last time and I was out the house and on the street. When I looked back Sophia already had closed the door on me. Was she that indifferent or did she just fall apart after I left? I never found that out.