Destined Death

Djyn could think clearly, for once. His thoughts converged on her figure, as they always did. The flames pierced through her stomach without much resistance. They burned in a rainbow of light.

The mist was splitting light to create this spectrum that he was seeing. His eyes caught colors that didn’t exist. He knew that, in reality, the flames only burned bright red. He could never see that though. He could only imagine it as a deep red, akin to that of blood.

She fell to the dirty ground... No, she at least fell into his arms as she died.

He could fix this. Cast a new illusion over reality. Create a world where she was still alive.

He reached for his master’s legacy, but came back empty handed. That mirror couldn't reflect anything any longer. He had known this would be the case after he willed its last use. Had he forgotten that simple fact, or was he just in disbelief?

This time, he had only extended Eris’s life by a few hours.

He reached for the gaping hole in her body, and his hand returned drenched with blood. It was quickly seeping into her clothes too. No rainbow of colors anymore. Just the crimson of blood. He felt a subtle touch on his arm, so weak he almost missed it. Finally, he looked at Eris’s face.

He looked into her eyes, really looked into them for once. She didn't appear sad, though tears were in her eyes.

He wanted to say something to her, and held her face closer to his in an attempt to do so. But, once again, too many conflicting thoughts prevented him from saying anything at all.

“Thank you, Djyn,” she whispered as she kissed his cheek.

As he looked into her eyes, he felt her warmth start to fade away. Quickly, say something. Say anything.

“I– I love you,” he finally managed to stutter out.

And then she died, with a smile on her face.

This time for good.

- - - - - - -

There was an unshakable silence around the campfire. In the distance, celebratory cheers could be heard. It was natural to be celebrating, they had won the battle after all.

The funeral for all the fallen soldiers had already passed. All the corpses had been burned together in one large bonfire, as was common in Artenian culture. No one in the strike team had spoken since then. Pax hated it. His body felt strange. He wanted to leave this place, but at the same time felt he couldn’t.

“I… should’ve been there,” sniffled Sakura as a tear rolled down her cheek, finally breaking the silence.

She had cried back at the funeral too, as if she felt saddened by Eris’s death. Is that how Pax should have been feeling too?

“No Sakura, it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault…. She was just… unlucky,” said Derrick somberly. He didn’t really even seem too convinced by his own words, so Pax wasn’t sure what he was doing trying to console someone else. Indeed, everyone sitting around the campfire had a hand in Eris’s death. Had a single one of them been a bit faster or had done something a little differently then she wouldn’t have died how she did.

This was especially true for Pax, who had been the primary healer while Sakura had been away. Why hadn’t anyone been blaming Pax for this? Had he not been so distracted dealing with Kai and Ryuzu’s Fang, he could have stopped Everett Lagrimas before he killed Eris. Had he not been playing around so much, he would have been able to make it to Eris before she died. He could have saved her. He should have saved her.

But he hadn’t.

Pax’s eyes were wide as he shivered. He didn’t want to blink, but he didn’t want to look anyone in the eye either. He felt dizzy and sick as he stared at the ground. Why wasn’t anyone blaming him for what he had done?

“Derrick… your words… they are more true than you realize,” Djyn managed to form words from his disconnected thoughts. Something had broken inside of him when Eris died. “Eris… had a particularly cursed Fate. One hundred years ago, she had been cursed by a fallen god… No, maybe it was just a few months ago… I can’t remember anything from back then clearly, but I know that she was Fated to die then…

“I… I saved her, I thought. But then she died again… and again… and again and again. Each time I rewrote reality with a memento from my master, The Forgotten Witch… Right? No… She has been living on borrowed time as I struggled to find a way to break her Fate… But as you can see, I ran out of time… And now she’s dead.”

He put his head in his hands after finishing. Just saying that much seemed to take a lot out of him. Everyone around the campfire seemed content with that explanation, everyone but Pax that is.

Fate. That ridiculous word again.

An overwhelmingly nauseating feeling washed over him instead. This wasn’t the first time he had felt this way. This time, he did not reject this feeling. He accepted it. He reveled in it and spat out the poison that had been building up inside of him for years:

“She had been Fated to die, but you decided to go and bring her back time and time again. I wonder, how many times has she painfully drowned?” Standing up, he stopped holding himself back and began shouting his words. “How many times has death released her from the excruciating pain of her final moments, only for you to go and ruin it for your own selfish desires!? How many final words has she uttered, only for everyone to forget her pain!? We should be happy that she has died! Her nightmare is over now! At least now she is free… free of her true curse, the curse called Djyn’s selfish love.”

He brushed his hand through his hair as he looked down at everyone, spitting out one final word, “How envious. I certainly wish I could be so easily freed of my own curses as she.”

Everyone around the campfire stared in silence for a moment in shock. Then, without hesitation, Djyn stood up and unsheathed his sword.

In a single fluid step, his sword flew towards Pax’s neck. It would’ve severed it too, but Vincent stepped in and blocked it with his axe.

“Calm down, both of you.”

Djyn glared at Pax fiercely despite Vincent standing between the two. Djyn’s eyes were clear of the Haze for once, reflecting nothing but anger. This reality was one he could not accept.

“Pax,” spoke Ivy, while still looking into the flames of the campfire. “You say that, but what’s with that face you’re making?”

Pax hadn’t even realized how contorted his own face had become. When he touched his hand to his face he finally realized that he had been smiling maniacally the entire time. He almost choked on his own vomit.

“eHAHAHAHA”

He nearly doubled over in his own guttural half-forced laughter. Revolting would fail to describe how he felt about himself.

“Djyn, you missed your only chance to kill me.”

With that, he walked away into the darkness of the night.

- - - - - - -

I can understand why one of your kind may find offence to what Djyn did, but you still went too far back there.

“No, I don’t think he went far enough. You should kill Djyn, that way he might understand your feelings.”

Pax hadn’t expected that the two imaginary voices in his head would start arguing after he made a contract with Ryuzu’s Fang. It was the kind of scenario where one plus one makes more than two. The kind of thing that HR managers have wet dreams about.

Hey Pax, doesn’t this bitch ever shut the fuck up? Her demonic chortlings are already giving me a headache.

“Pax, throw away that disgusting sword,” she responded with a huff, glaring at the sword on Pax’s back with a hatred he had never seen before. “No, encase it in 100 feet of bone and drop it in the middle of the ocean. Otherwise, it’ll find its way back to civilization.”

“Both of you, shut the fuck up,” snapped Pax, finally done with their bickering. He wasn’t really in the mood to play along with own schizophrenic apparitions, but found himself interested in how this situation was even possible. “Ryuzu, how are you even able to talk to her? She doesn’t exist.”

“Hey, that’s mean!”

No wonder you’ve gone insane Pax. With this harlot yapping around you all the time, it’d be impossible not to. She’s been wearing down your mental defenses for some time now, right? Because of that, it’s easy for me to read most of your thoughts. Of course, I didn’t think that by doing that, I’d be subjecting myself to the same torture you’ve been going through.

Pax considered what Ryuzu was saying for a moment. He came to a conclusion that scared him more than anything he’d ever experienced before. No, if he was right, then all along…

“You mean to say that she’s not just some delusion of mine? That she’s actually.…”

Hm? I’d say that she’s 99% something you came up on your own and 1% [-------].

“Um, what was that last bit?”

You couldn’t hear that? Well that’s certainly a problem. You’re her apostle after all… To think she didn’t even bother introducing herself to you.

FUCKING WHAT!!?!??!

“Then that means… then that means, no… that means that means… NO…. I… That means I…”
Don’t think. Don’t think about it. Stop thinking. You can’t go there Pax. Don’t say it Adam. Stop it. Breathe.

He held his head in his hands, trying to stop his thoughts from moving. He probably would have shoved a spike through his brain but—

???: Pax? Pax, are you okay?

Pax: CAN’T YOU SEE I’M TRYING TO THINK–

He stopped himself when he realized the voice wasn’t coming from inside his own head.

Turning his head towards the edge of the clearing, Pax saw a figure standing in the darkness. The figure was thin and had pointy ears on top of his head. Though it was dark, Pax could tell that their fur was gray. It could only be Derrick, though Pax should have been able to guess it from his voice alone.

They stood in silence for a moment, just staring at one another. Pax couldn’t tell what Derrick was thinking, but it would be better to clear up any misunderstandings sooner rather than later, so he spoke up first:

“Sorry about that Derrick, I didn’t see you there–”
“Do you often hear voices in your head?” Asked Derrick, interrupting any excuse Pax could think of before he could speak it. Because of course, Derrick, the guy with super hearing, had overheard more than he should’ve.

“What do you think?”

“...”

Pax probably should have welcomed this distraction, but couldn’t help himself from being hostile. He had never even told Raya about that woman.

Derrick: Well, it doesn’t matter to me either way. What does matter is what you plan on doing.

Pax: Is that so? And what is it that you aim to do by showing yourself here?

Derrick: I’m here to convince you not to leave the strike team.

Pax raised an eyebrow at Derrick’s response.

Derrick: You blame yourself for Eris’s death. Perhaps it is rightfully so, but that doesn’t matter. We still need you. Protect the people who are still here instead of clinging to those who are dead. We’re your comrades– your brothers and sisters in arms.

“...Comrades?” muttered Pax in disbelief. He wanted to reject the idea. He would have liked to say that none of them mattered to him. But that would have been a lie, and after what had happened to Eris, he couldn’t bring himself to lie like that. Instead he deflected to something else. “Do you think Djyn thinks so too? After what I said, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to kill me again."

“We can talk to Djyn. You’ll have to apologize, but I think everyone knows that your words held truth to them. Djyn will understand if you explain why you said all that.”

Pax looked at Djyn for a moment, a frown on his face. Then he turned his back and began walking away. He couldn’t think of any more arguments to justify himself, or at least any arguments he could say. It was fine though, losing the argument didn’t change was Pax was going to do. He would still be leaving.

“I wanted to throw away my humanity so that I wouldn’t have to feel pain,” began Pax. Perhaps it was stupid, but he wanted to show one last thing to the person who had found him. “No, I wanted to physically hurt myself so that I wouldn’t have to confront the things that were really hurting me. I knew that all along, but I pretended to forget. I acted the role of a monster. I pretended that I wasn’t human, and had thus forgotten how to feel emotions.”

Derrick, unwilling to let Pax continue, spoke up, “You’re hurting Pax. I get it, but what you’re doing to yourself isn’t healthy and isn’t helping.”

“You’re right, but I don’t want to be… healthy. I don’t want to move on from Raya. I don’t want to live in a world where she isn’t loving me. I don’t want to be alone.”

“You can come back. There is nothing stopping you, right?”

“No… I… I won’t be doing that. You see, what I did before was wrong, that much I know. But that was only because I didn’t go far enough back then. I was too scared of truly becoming a monster. Now I know that hesitating any longer will only make things worse… It will only add more pains to my weary body.”

“...”

“I can’t continue to be so slothful. I have to do something.”

“Don’t do this,” plead Derrick one final time.

The tone of Pax’s voice changed when he began casting.

Pax: The large oak drank up the morning mist, and it swayed gently in the breeze.

Pax: “Light me,” said the candle. “I serve no purpose if you do not. Though I may burn away, it would be better to do so than sit in darkness for an eternity.”

Pax: “Why?” asked the rabbit. It couldn’t possibly know how hungry the wolf had been.

Pax: The large oak drank the drizzle from the clouds, and it stood still and quiet.

Pax: “It hurts,” said the candle. “If living is pain, I should sit in silence without it.”

Pax: The moon reflected the sun’s gaze. Never getting closer. Her whispers fell to silence. Her strength unable to break the steel bars of night.

Pax: The large oak greedily drank up the torrent of rain, and it swayed with the winds. Its leaves fell in the spring.

Pax: Candles do not speak. They merely light the way in the darkness. The only way– that is.

Pax: The rabbit had become nothing more than sugars proteins and sugars. And yet it lived on.

Pax: “Sun, oh Sun. Take me with you,” she plead. “You, who shines so bright must be able to show me what must be done. No matter how many forms the moon took, nor how many tears she cried, she could do nothing but reflect the sun’s majesty.

Pax: And the tree stood still for a thousand years before it spoke for the first time. It had no mouth, and yet it spoke. It had no desire, and yet it willed. “Run,” it said. “Run from the coming storm.” –Ages Killer

His skin rippled and stretched– The result was subtle yet immediate. As bones stretched, muscles and ligaments were torn. He bled a hundred tiny wounds, feeling each pain ecstatically. His joints creaked and his eyes burned, but he walked deeper into the oppressive silence of night.

He would be a monster yet.