Beginning of the Hollowness

Close your eyes and look inside the void of yours. Hear nothing but the aggregating silence. Think only about the empty null void and there you'll see a beat down person sitting with his arms crossed around his bent knees, face down, do you?

It's the first day of the golden week. I still have some homeworks to do. Though I'm waiting for Hideo to come. We planned to finish our homeworks together. 

Although both of our schools are different and even miles away, the subjects are still the same. We can help each other out if one of us gets stuck on some questions. 

But I guess I'm more looking forward to practicing passes with him. We agreed to play after finishing the homeworks. I'm sure dad won't mind one hour playing time if I completed my studies. 

Since I've joined the soccer club, I want to improve myself more. The club called off every activity as it's only the start of the year. But I wanna become a starter.

“Akito, there's a telephone call for you from Hideo.” Mom called out.

“I'm coming.” 

Why is he calling at this time, he should be on his way. Is he…not coming?

I went downstairs where mom was holding the telephone. Seeing the sad face of her I could tell that he's not coming. I took the phone from her and put it close to my ear. 

[Hello, Hideo.]

[Hey…I'm sorry. I can't make it today…and 2 or 3 days. Today's a friend's birthday that I forgot. She's forcing me to come to their family trip.]

[Oh…alright. That can't be helped I guess. Uhh…enjoy it.]

[I'm really…]

[It's okay.]

Saying that I hung up. Frustration builds up inside me. It's not about him bailing out but with how my luck is. I spent the whole winter at home. I didn't have any friends that would invite me. So I thought, maybe, just maybe I can enjoy this week long holiday. I thought I could improve and become a starter and play with the team. 

Although it's only been 3 months since I've joined but staying at the bench, getting 0 minutes for the last five matches is awfully painful. 

Seeing me standing by the telephone mom spoke up,

“Why don't we go shopping together? I've some groceries to buy. You can take whatever you like.”

“...Sorry, I'm not feeling good. I'll be in my room.”

I went to my room feeling heavy. The questions of my life were circulating throughout my head. 

Why couldn't he say that yesterday, why does all the pre-planned never work, why is it that I have to spend my Golden week sitting in a chair. Why why why……

I throwed the pillow to the table in anger. Ugh…the head started to ache rapidly. like I could feel the pulses of my veins. 

I opened the closet, where a white and red coloured football was kept hidden. It was a ball I took from the club with permission. 

I grabbed the ball and my playing boot and slowly moved downstairs. Mom was busy cleaning her room. Dad went to the fresh market. I quietly opened the door and ran slowly towards the nearby park. 

After a couple of minutes, I reached the empty park. People usually come here during dusk or evening. 

I put on my playing boots and started to jog around the park. As the thoughts keep increasing, so does my speed. 

Why do I get mocked by others when I become breathless in training? How can I keep running for an hour when I didn't even move as much before. Why do I have to have to get all those late tackles from my own teammates during training, my shin still hurts. The only perks I have is my passing but what is a midfielder without stamina. 

As I kept running the cogitation burdened my heart like stone. Breathing became harder and there was no point. I stopped running and sat there for a few minutes to calm myself. 

I moved to a corner of the park. I chose a wall and kept hitting at the same spot to increase accuracy. I practiced with various distances. 

As the evening grew closer, the idea that I've to go home bugged me. But it's not something I can avoid nor do I want to. I'm not ungrateful. 

I took off my playing shoes and wore my normal ones. Then I picked the ball. As I was getting ready to head back, dad quickly came inside the park and saw me.

“What were you doing, huh? Why didn't you tell anyone that you were here?” His voice was filled with concern. 

I stood there silent. Unable to utter a single word.

“Your mom and I were so worried. How long have you been here?”

“...Since morning.”

“Did you study at all today?”

“...No…I haven't.” I said fearfully.

“How many times do I have to tell you, be serious about your studies. The world is harsh, you won't survive in this wickedness unless you become successful.”

I was quiet. Silenced by the agitating howls of him.

Why is it that you always only ask about studies and never how I'm feeling? I'm also giving my best, I'm also worried about my future. But you never noticed. Even when I got first place in the school, you only said to work hard and stay consistent. 

Why am I feeling nauseous? Is it because of the intense workout?

“You know how much I suffered because I was too naive. I had to work with my sweat, blood, everything, just so I could provide for you both. And right now, the work is a lot more stable, I'm able to take it a little easier now.”

I know that. I know that I can't have a glowful life without effort. But I want to experience the present too. I wanna encounter real life outside of books. I want to feel what it's like to hangout with friends, to play football, to visit places, to laugh, to be happy…

“I…” The voice never came out. It wasn't stuck, it wasn't bogged down. It simply isn't there. It vanished. My thoughts got lost. 

“Let's go, you haven't eaten your lunch. I'll tell Airi to make dinner early.” He said calmly.

Seeing my standstill, dad spoke up again. 

“Get some rest. You were practicing hard all day. You can start your study tomorrow, take a day off. I know you are angry towards me now.”

Surprisingly, I'm not. 

“But I don't want you to suffer the same way I did. It will be the most unbearable sorrow of mine and you mom.”

I stayed silent. I didn't have any words to convey. Dad and I went home. As I entered the house mom hugged me tightly. 

“I'm sorry…” 

“It's okay…I'm glad that you're alright. Just express your feelings to me more, okay? Say whatever problem you're having. You can open up to me.”

“...I will.”

After getting fresh I ate my dinner and went to my room. Despite dad saying to not indulge in study today, I still want to finish my homeworks early. I can probably practice more if I finish up as soon as I can. I opened a study book and a notebook.

Although I've been sitting here for half an hour, I'm still stuck at the same page. My heart feels lighter but my head is killing me. Everything feels swirling.

I can't focus at all…