| Runner's high

“Hey. If you really need an answer, it's because you're a true hero in their eyes.”

“I sure don't feel like one.”

There was a silence so long it made her question if the line had dropped.

The young man typically handled his words the way he handled his women. He had to be extra delicate though. He wasn’t necessarily walking on eggshells but his partner was in low spirits and he knew reckless words could leave lasting effects.

“Or it’s just your head injury messing with you.Depending on the amount of force applied, your brain is basically working overtime to keep you conscious.”

“I had enough sleep.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I get this much for trying to fight an apparition solo.”

He could feel her stiff jabs and wondered whether she was truly mentally compromised by her injury.

“Back to your depreciating humour.I’m not gonna laugh.”

“In that case, can you cry for me?”

….……..

“Listen.Imagine you’re bitten by a zombie.Shortly, you’ll also become one. You know what the right decision is, but you also know you can’t bring yourself to do it. A stranger takes it upon herself to do the needful for your sake. Despite that heavy burden, as she picks up a gun and pulls the trigger, you can see regret hovering over her face. Wouldn’t that be the purest form of compassion??”

“.…”

“I know you might not like what I’m about to say but…this pain you feel. Remember it.Eventually, you’ll be searching for it. At that point. Whether you can say it gets better or not is absolutely up to you. But I believe it will. I’m here for you, so don’t look down anymore.”

*sigh*

“Creepy. Are you trying to flirt with me? Don't tell me you're trying to add one more to your harem??”

He couldn’t see the look she had on, but it seemed like his pep talk, if you could call it that, was a success.

“Get over yourself. I’m pretty loyal, all things considered.”

“Yeah, right.Tell that to Akase san.”

“I’ve got a few plans for the day but I’ve got nothing to do now. There are tons of places we can check out, since most spots are usually empty at this time. I was thinking we meet up and decompress.”

“..…No.”

“Come on. We rarely get time off. Besides, aren’t you feeling a bit restless?”

“I can’t deny that. The answer’s still no. I'm just not interested.”

“Fine, I get it. Get some sleep then, or go to a hospital. I'll see you when I see you.”

*Sigh*

“He’s so considerate and clueless at the same time. I don’t want to be around you right now. I don’t want to be around anyone.”

She returned to the park where her previous fight took place. Staring at her phone, she curled up on the bench, eagerly scrolling through her social media. Her weary eyes were glued to it but shortly after, she stopped herself.

“I don’t want to go home and I don’t want to go to HQ either.I’m such a loser. This is 7:30am. What’s the one thing only I can do?” she faked a smile.

“Even though I’m off today, I need to keep it for emergency summons. Decisions, decisions. But if I don’t use it right now….” she firmly shook her head and zipped up her hoodie, making herself as small as possible.

“Excuse me, Miss?”

“Hmm?”

There was a lady in a tracksuit jogging who stopped by momentarily, observing the various marks on the ground. Even the wooden bench that had been neatly split in two. This was far from normal and of all the various people she spoke to, none had any real answers. The young lady in front of her had a weird air around her, like she had been deeply affected by whatever happened. She wondered whether it was offensive to act on her curiosity or just mind her business but by now, it was too late.

“Are you alright? You don’t look okay.”

“....”

“Did something happen here??”

“I see.” unfortunately, she was right on the money.

“Let me guess. I shouldn’t be here?”

“Of course. Look around you.”

“Well, you’ve seen it now so neither should you.”

“But..”

“Sorry for being a nuisance. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“I lied. I’m not fine. But I will be. Thanks.”

Half an hour later, she was outside an owl cafe, mask on. Her cover was blown the last time but sincerely, she couldn’t care less this time.

“Big Sissss.” from a distance, Aiko saw her sprint and embraced the assa…hug. By now, her bones must have evolved and adapted to this pressure.

“Furuha, quit it. You're choking me.”

“Shit!! Your head.”

“You just noticed.”

“Mom. Say something.” she turned to the lady just catching up to them. She looked like a more responsible version of her daughter. In order to avoid unnecessary attention, they always stuck to the basics of disguises: Do not make yourself stand out in anyway.

“You dyed your hair again. This time it's pink.”

“I believe the word you were looking for was 'It's been a long time, Ai.'. That's what you would typically say anyway.”

“I was getting there.” she paused and quietly observed her daughter. Her verdict couldn’t be uttered out loud so she sadly kept it to herself.

“It feels like the time you went on tour for a week and ignored my calls all through.This time, you've been avoiding me for months.”

“I told you, I wasn't avoiding you. You just weren't home. Fu's seen lots of me.”

“Lots is pushing it.” she grabbed her head and slowly shook it. This is the same person who was worried about her injury just a moment ago. The victim seemed okay, so she continued.

“Hey. Don’t just change the subject!! Mom’s acting nonchalant but tell me what happened right now.”

“I got struck in the head. Happy??”

“...”

“That’s enough. Let’s go inside already. We've never been to an owl cafe together before so this will be quite fun.”

“So, you've been here before, you traitor. Was it a dude?”

“Mom, are you a fan of owls??”

“For today, I am.”

“Answer me!!!”

“Hehe.”

They sat at the far corner with identical drinks on the table. The two siblings looked like night and day. In a room full of owls, there was an elephant that had to be addressed.

“Not trying to be rude, but you do look like shit, Ai.”

“I finished up a job not too long ago, actually. Cut me some slack.”

“Then, shouldn’t you have gotten some rest? Screw that, have you gone to a hospital??”

“.…What would you say if I told you it’s just prop?”

“Liar.This was so last minute that we didn’t know what to expect. Plus ‘that’.”

“Think. If she called us here in these circumstances, what does that mean for your sister?”

“Right. I’m sorry. We’re here to listen.”

“Don’t be like that. I just wanted to take advantage of such a beautiful day. Too beautiful to waste falling sleep.”

“Liar.”

“What have you been up to these days, Fu??”

“Well, I recently joined the water polo team. No one told me it was that fun.” she let out a genuine smile. It was so radiant that it made her jealous.

“We played loads as kids so I don't know how you just found the appeal.”

“That just means, as a kid, I clearly had no taste because it's so fun, I might decide to go pro.”

“Absolutely not!!” she cut in with a stern look. If anyone knew how uncommitted Furuha was to most things, it would have been her Mother.

“Blehh.”

“I’m glad you found something you love to that extent.”

“I didn’t ‘find’ it thanks to our wonderful Mother.”

“You took us out for way too many activities, Mom. It was extremely overwhelming.”

“I know right?? I was a ballet dancer, a pianist, a karate champ, a sports gal.”

“What else did we do? Drama classes? Mom, you really went overboard.”

“Both of you say that now but you had so much fun with all of them.”

“We had no choice.”

“Eh….I admit, most were fun. I enjoyed dancing and karate classes. It wouldn't be wrong to say it's helped me a lot. As for you, Fu. I don't think you loved water polo but you were pretty good at it.”

“Have you noticed, she has gotten more cranky lately. Guess why?”

“Huh? I know it's my fault.”

“ Don't be silly. She misses you sooo much, you're all she talks about these days. I feel neglected even though I'm the last child.”

“Really??”

“What reason would a mother have for not missing her daughter that chooses to be away on purpose. You don’t have to live at HQ, yet you choose to. I'm also concerned for your safety.”

“I've told you, if anything happens to me, you guys will be the first to know.”

“That's not reassuring at all.”

“Nothing I say will ease your worry. I don't blame you but it's the truth. We're all bound to die anyway. So I'm doing what I can, with the gift I have.” she looked down at the straw she had nearly bent into a knot.

‘Might need a new one’ she thought.

“Death is not a word you should play around with.”

“I promise I'm safe. Anyway, Mom, how is the group doing?”

“Why do you ask?”

“It’s my old group. I know you're no longer the producer but you're still under the same agency so any crumbs will do.”

*sigh*

“You know I hate talking about work.”

“Me too. But I need to know.”

“If you insist. It's been a rough six months. If you told me at the start of the year things would take such a drastic turn, I would have laughed in your face. Due to the way things ended, they're still doing pretty great. You girls were previously in the top three but now they’re top five in the agency, which is still impressive.

Sure, there's a surge in merch but less people are showing up to shows. The money keeps pouring in so they're not too bothered about that difference.

Her sister whispered in her ear "Actually they are."

“What about my ex members? I’m asking how they’re doing.”

“They're all moving on.They were fine before you joined and they'll be fine now. Your pity is unneeded.”

“There you go again, Mom.”

“It's fine. I guess that was a bit selfish of me.”

“It's not your fault that most of them are snakes.” she wore a gaze that could make even an owl wary.

“At least I was able to get to Emi. She's always been kind.”

“You mean calculating.”

“Whatever. Even if she is also the latter, that doesn't really bother me. As long as she keeps showing me her good side, I’ll look the other way.”

“You’ve become more calculating yourself.”

“You mean selfish.” she chuckled.

“By the way, did you show up recently?”

“Hmm?”

“I swear, I definitely heard voices coming from your room. I just assumed you swooped in to grab a few things.”

….….

“Ai??”

“I’m sorry. My head is a bit foggy.”

“This happens when you get hit everyday of the week. Now even your brain is damaged.”

“What on earth are you talking about? I’m sleep deprived, not CTE bound.” noticing her sister’s stern gaze on the bandage highlighted on her head, she couldn’t help but give her a smack on the laps which made her tense up.

She then hugged both of them tightly.

“I love you both so much.”

“We love you too.”

“I love you guys a hundred fold.” uttered Furuha as her eyes suddenly became uncomfortably warm.

“Fu. You know I can catch a bullet--no five bullets for you.”

“That would kill you, ya know?”

“That’s the point, dummy.”

“Well, I could fight an entire team of hot dudes just for you…”

“Uhh…I appreciate that. Mom??”

“Me? Well, my life is a given. I can give up my career, my freedom, my identity. For you two, nothing’s off the table.”

“Mommmm.” they squeezed their Mother tighter.

The lady that welcomed them stared in awe, she was on her way to bring them in but paused as the scene was tear-jerking. So sweet, she thought.

Satomi Takano was a woman as graceful as royalty, her pale dark hair split to form a double braid with a neat bun at the back. Even in disguise mode, the general consensus was awe and overwhelming curiosity. You could change clothes, hair colour, but that star factor couldn’t just vanish.

Furuha Takano on the other hand was a tall, physically endowed lady. Just like her mother, she too, spotted dark hair that was rather glossy in comparison. Her hair was fluffy and hung around her face like it was carved around her.

“I have something important to tell you guys.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“I think I’m tired.”

“Then qui--”

“She’s not done.”

“I know I’m the most reactive person in the family. I try to deny it sometimes but it’s true. This is not the case. I’ve thought real hard about it. I’ve seen many lows but it’s never been this low. Not after the scandal, or my solo debut and we all know how that went. It’s very funny. It feels like my soul is slowly being sucked out. But is that supposed to be a good thing? Is that what is needed?”

“Sis.” She grabbed her hand.

“When will it get better?”

“It will. I believe that. You just have to believe it too. I’m stupid if I say it’s easy. It’s not. I like to believe that suffering always comes with a pay off.”

“For you to ask yourself ‘when will it get better?’. You need to be able to ask yourself, what needs to get better?” she kept patting the owl with her tone as soft as ever.

“Mom.”

“I believe you’re tight lipped because you’ve got an NDA somewhere in your contract, right? I know how these things work. As long as you don’t go over the parts highlighted in the terms of your contract, you aren’t breaching the agreement. So I want to hear about my daughter’s experiences. In a non literal way, of course.” she winked.

“I..” she stared at the owl that perched on the glove, turning it’s head the opposite direction.

“Go on, dear.”

“I initially thought I had achieved something. After all, passing the assessment test was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

*sigh*

“Come to think of it, he never even did that.”

“Who?”

“Forget it. I’ve never told you about this but on my first mission, I became the hostage. I knew I was the weakest link but how the hell did the guy know that? It was something.. Like a reset of sorts. I wanted to quit right there, but I didn’t. After all, one of the recipes for success is failure. I carried on. Trained until I developed some muscle. You won’t believe it but I’m as toned as Fu now.”

“You wish.”

“When I finally met my teammate, it was like a rusty key that could open any door, the most important door was opened and I could continue walking. With each step, I watched as people were torn apart, in utter agony and helplessness. They were just like me.”

*Whap*

She waited for the owl to fly off before swiftly slapping her cheeks.

“What am I saying? That’s an insult. Nothing I’ve experienced could ever compare. The more I watched, the more used to it I became. It was as though I was watching a movie while knowing the ending. I wish I had the answers.I wish I was a god. I wish I could do something, but nothing I did ever brought me peace.”

“Ai..”

“I recently had a lady who reconnected with her daughter after 30 years, just to lose her again that same day. At first, the lady was reluctant and despised her mother. Imagine holding a grudge for that long? What hurt the most, was that her mother had changed completely but she couldn’t get to fully see that. She wasn’t allowed to. I’m just…” without warning, all the pain and sorrow came rushing down her cheeks.

“I’m tired of all the farewells.”

…..

“I’m not a hero. If I died today, will I do anything to be with you guys again? Absolutely. Even if it means breaking the laws of nature or escaping death. So what gives me the right….”

“.….”

“They say I’m saving them but am I really?? I know the answer but I can never accept it.”

“From what I understand, it feels like you’re holding on to a thorny rose that you can’t let go of? I’m not sure if this will make you feel better but as a former idol, I’ve experienced something similar.

There’s nothing that hurts more than being in a world whose absurd rules you can not change nor negotiate with. It’s set in stone and you need to do your best to still love your world and accept it for what it is. In my case, this was me meeting the fan’s expectation, their heavy, unreasonable love. Their need to have you all to themselves, unchanged and pure. Their wish to see you grow but at the same time, wish you never aged.Till this day, it sickens me when I speak about it. The times have changed but the fans? Not so much.”

“You wanna bet she’s gonna bring that up.” she whispered.

“I’ve told you about the time my friend got caught with a guy, right?”

“You’ve told us this story a million times. She was caught when the fans noticed his reflection on her photo. She then shaved her head and apologized.”

“Worst part wasn’t the fact that she left, it was that she left simply because she tried to live a normal life. That’s why, it was one of the most important lessons I gave you girls.How to effectively protect your relationships from the outside world. Well, not you, Fu.”

“Thanks for clarifying, Mom.” she said, sarcastically.

“I’m sorry if I’m bringing the conversation back to the idol industry. Truth is that’s the only thing I know and can relate most things to.”

“I understand. That’s another thing I absolutely hate.”

“As much as I hate it, I had to teach you and all the other girls around it because the world is cruel. Defiance is cute but it is definitely not protection. As your Mother, seeing you like this hurts me. Left to me, I want you to quit and come home as soon as possible. Even right now if possible. But as a fellow rebel, I’ll say find a reason to keep doing what you’re doing. If anything, it will realign your suffering towards your grand goal. Because at the end of the day, even if you have a thousand reasons to leave, just one reason can keep your dreams alive. Therefore it is not a struggle in vain.”

“Wow.”

“I hope that made things a bit easier for you.”

“I can’t say for sure, haha. I was about to throw it all away. I wanted you all to convince me to quit so I could tell myself I had no choice. But that’s wrong. That’s the easy way out. I will take the arduous path and whether I sink or swim, I’ll know I did my best.”

“That’s my daughter.”

“Indeed.”

“These owls will not pet themselves.”

“Wait. You’re supposed to put on the gloves.”

“They’re so cute. Hey, that one looks like Dad.”

“Please don’t compare your father to an owl.”

“I’m just seeing a few similarities, that’s all.”

“Jeez, Mom does act weird when the conversation shifts to Dad.”

“Can you blame her? She’s the type whose butterflies never vanish. She’s eternally in love.”

“That’s what in means to be married. Not like you two would understand.”

“We just got roasted by our own Mother. The scenes.” she was talking to the owl.

“Now that I think about it. How did you survive as an idol with your personality, Mom?”

“Being an idol requires you to be an actor. One major thing that widens the gap between the best and the worst idols are their acting skills. Just like regular actors, we are completely different people off the stage.”

“You were known as the princess with an icy personality, a fan favourite.”

“Not to toot my own horn but the stage was my life. We didn’t have the luxuries you have. Better contracts, work-life balance, resources and direct access to your fans. Really, in your era, we would have blown everyone right out the park.” her grin gave her away.

“You see what I mean?” she casually pointed at her. “She’s the only woman that brags the same when sober and drunk. You’re lucky Dad loves it when you puff yourself up.”

“Hahahaha.”

“Ai, wanna see some pics of me with my boyfriend?”

“Which one?” they both uttered.

“Wow, you guys were a bit too smug when saying that. Fine I’ll show you a few I took while you were gone. Look, this one is his favourite.”

“I’m not really interested.”

“That’s mean.. What happened to my kind, sweet sister?”

“Even the owls feel sorry for you.”

“That’s because they feel my pain. Don’t you? Owlbert and Owlstein.” they stretched their necks in confusion.

“I think I’ll be coming home, after all.”

“Really?”

“Didn’t you say it was a distraction?”

“At first, yeah. I really thought that. But home is where you can be at peace, rest and just be. A change of pace is best for now, I think.”

“Woo hoo.”

“You mean ‘hoo hoo’?”

“Pfft shut up.We really need to drop by an hospital on the way.”

“My partner did a pretty neat work on the bandages. Once again, I’m fine.”

“Is it that guy you’re always talking about?”

“Not always but yeah, we completed our mission not too long ago.”

“I’m a bit curious now. Do you have a picture of him?”

“Huh? Don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“And?”

“I see. You’re that used to serial cheaters that you’ve become one yourself. In that case, you might be a match made in heaven.”

Meanwhile….

The restaurant was very nearly vacant at this time of day. It was to be expected. Save for the young lady who was a regular at this point. She was always here in the morning, diligently scuffing down her breakfast before rushing out for work. In contrast, the elderly man at the corner took his time with his meal, he blended well in the background. There were the occasional in and out customers but none stood out.

He sported short, wavy but oddly messy hair. Crimson red, as unruly as the colour. The man in question had headphones on, his eyes shut and body relaxed. He heard a tap on the table and composed himself.

“The hermit finally shows up. You're one tough bastard to find.”

“I consider that quality a virtue. You'll have found me if you actually bothered looking though.” he grabbed a seat beside him.

“As cheeky as always.”

“Just teasing you. It's been a while, Goro.”

“You’ve got some nerve saying that.”

“It’s been a few weeks. Honestly, I’m glad you accepted the money I sent without any reservations.”

“Fuck that. I was helpless from the start. If your conscience allowed you to still pay rent after all the damage you caused, what was the point worrying?”

“Heh.”

“You still pay rent and all but what type of guy would I be if I can't seize an opportunity right in front of me?” just like the one beside him, this man had an air of arrogance on him. With a smirk, he shrugged his shoulders.

“Let me guess, you rented out my room.”

“Sorry.”

“I see.You're not that different from me.”

“Not even close.”

“Asshole. But I knew that already and still decided to share that apartment with you so that's on me. I actually don’t mind it though. As long as my stuff weren’t tampered with.”

“No need to worry. I wrapped your little sex toys nice and neat.”

*ahem*

“That wasn’t…You know you could get us kicked out. As you might have guessed, family restaurants do not appreciate that kind of chatter. Especially from one as loud as you.”

“Hey, I was just talking about the stuff in my apartment. If you don’t want kids to hear adult conversations, don’t take them outside.”

“Sounds like someone that’s been kicked out before to me.”

“No comment. Anyway, I’m actually surprised you showed your sorry ass here, at this time no less. Aren’t you a night-owl or something?”

“My bad? I was just back from Yua’s and decided to reach out. It’s one of the only days I’m free so..”

“Speaking of Yua, how’s she been lately?”

“She’s like an elderly lady when I visit. I guess it’s because I’ve moved out so she doesn’t see me as often.”

“When a person is rarely available, you value your time with them more. In her case, she knows every year, she’ll be able to count the number of times she sees you on her finger.”

“You’re right.”

“Although, you’re making a mistake.” he swiftly grabbed his shoulders. “I would love to live with her if I’m being honest. Maybe I could take your old apartment?”

“You’ve never been funny.” with such an unamusing gesture, he couldn’t hide the look of disgust on his face as he brushed his hand off.

“I’m dead serious. Don’t you think we look good together?”

“I would rather die than picture that happening. Don’t ever speak about my Yua like that.”

“Okay, okay. Speaking of, believe it or not, I made no money off it.”

“You rented it out for free? Didn't know you had it in you.”

“Well, it's an old friend. You know how I told you I was in a rock-band in high-school, yeah? He was the leader.

We all wanted to make it big but we had a long hiatus due to his health issues. It was our dream but we couldn’t protect that dream without him.”

“Hmm.”

“We disbanded but neither of us forgot. He returned to Tokyo a while back and has been crashing at his sister's, in the living room. I don't know, it didn't really sit right with me so I gave him yours instead.”

“You…”

“Here's the important part. He asked me to join his band.”

“What an idiot. At that point, you’re in the worst spot to make such a request.”

“You’re right. But he’s not the only one. Everyone around me does whatever the hell they want and it pisses me the fuck off.” he slammed the table, inevitably turning everyone’s attention to the pair.

“Hey, why are you looking at me like that?”

“But as much as it pisses me off, it also inspires me in a weird way.”

“I understand.”

“Great. Life is all about understanding. I’m no stranger to passion but when I feel that burning sensation resonate with another person, I can’t help myself.I might take him up on that offer. That's understanding.”

“I know where you’re going with this.”

“Then you should answer and stop acting like some entitled loser.”

“Goro, you of all people should understand.”

“We acknowledge the fact that you flaked on us during a crucial period. Perhaps there was a reason. But we need to understand the reason and come to terms with it.”

“What is the point? What’s done is done. I was out of touch for a few weeks. I apologize. I’ll also pay the penalty.”

“Seems like you must be getting paid pretty good for you to say something so reckless. Don’t give me that. I know it’s you we’re talking about so my expectations weren’t exactly high but come on.This whole bizz.You started it. You were that ‘idiot’ who didn’t know when to call it quits.”

“That’s definitely a way to put it.” his wry smile threw him off. Still, he continued.

“You and Ueno were the ones that brought the idea to life and managed to pull the rest of us in. Why are you throwing it all away now?”

“Funny how you mention the same person that’s terrified of seeing my face. If you’re getting rid of me, why isn’t she the one here?? Why am I having a conversation with a proxy?”

“Always so goddamn selfish. You know how fucked the current situation is, so whatever reason she has, we are not blaming you. But as much as we’ve got your back, we’ve got hers.”

“Bullshit!!! I’ve got questions of my own that I can’t even navigate around because her brain turns to mush when she sees me. The fuck do I do then? What the hell do I have to do with her condition. I don’t understand it. What would you do if you were in my shoes?”

He stared at him, his rose colored eyes as mystical as ever but looking at him, all you could see was a plea. Not for sympathy, but clarity. Indeed, he and I Ueno formed the core of the rent a friend service and were it’s original members. However, things later spiraled in a direction no one saw coming. The aftermath left both parties weary and confused. PTSD was truly a vicious but mysterious thing.

“So, are you saying that’s your reason?”

“Look, I’m already getting kicked out. So stop.”

“As fellow victims of the glass house, we all had to stick together and keep walking forward.Isn’t that what you said? But you had to ruin it, especially when things were going so well. I don't judge people, but you? You're an exception. You have detachment disorder, I think. When things are going too well, you feel uncomfortable and you self sabotage, burning everything to the ground. Only difference? We all go down with you.” Goro was hardly a confrontational person but due to a few ‘light’ drinks, he was feeling peppy.

“Are you listening to what I’m saying or do I need to beat the words into your thick fucking skull??” he grabbed him by the collar.

“You were our leader and I know he wasn’t such a coward to hide behind excuses. It’s always been do or die till we’re rich enough to forget how much we’ve got in the bank. Were those not your words?”

“.…”

“You don’t get to light this fire in us then just fizzle out without any good reason, damn it. Was it Ueno or was it you?”

Even if briefly, the young man was taken aback. He had a rough idea of the events that led to his actions. But breaking it down, who really carried a chunk of the blame?

“I understand your point. I apologize, I’ve been dishonest.”

“No. Why did you do it? For once in your life, actually think of us.”

After a sharp exhale, he froze.

“Rather than that, I’ll do you one better. I’ll tell you what I think of you. First and foremost, not even my fucking therapist knows me so you sure as hell don’t either. Fizzle out? I still believe in my words like they’re fresh from the source and I don’t regret anything. You guys are fine. Almost everyone draws a clear line. But I actively get punished for drawing a line in the sand. One minute I’m the friend they never had, the next minute they love me and would do anything to get me to go home with them.

As soon as you are crossing that line, you are helping no one. This is nothing compared to the past, and I know we can probably never have normal relationships because we will fuck it all up. But all this pain. It’s self inflicted.”

“That’s not on you. You’re carrying a burden that never belonged on your shoulders.”

“Except you’re wrong. After that incident, I’ve been running from the things I didn’t want to acknowledge. Why wouldn’t I? But when a beauty on a bike extended her hands, giving me the opportunity to ride away and forget everything, I took it without a second thought. Because I wouldn’t have to think of anything else.

That’s why. This is a conversation I’ve been dreading for a while but it has finally happened. At the same time, maybe you're right. I'm a mess and I don't think I can change. Once again, I will cover the penalty for my absence.” he bowed his head.

“No need for that, you dick head. Well, I don't entirely forgive you but one day I will.As I said, you do whatever the hell you want but then, it makes me want to act out too. Not against anyone but against myself.” he pointed to himself. “I’ve made up my mind. I’ll be joining him after all.”

“Congrats.”

“Don't congratulate me just yet. I can only quit when the band makes enough money for us to live comfortably. Until then, I guess I gotta keep saving.”

“Huh?”

“Read it. I have a huge gig that I'm sharing with the guys.Hopefully it’s my last. Remember Lady Vanille?”

“Of course I do. She was a regular at the glass house”.

“Yeah that bitch was crazy. Still is and getting worse by the day. She's hosting a party on her 40th birthday and she's having it on a yacht. She came to me with an offer. I wonder why she’s so obscure.”

“For her ilk,It's not really a secret. She knows all of us. Whatever. What was the proposal?”

“We each get a million Yen just for getting in. Well, I don’t know the entire payment structure but she did say there is an auction for us and clients are free to fight for us using their wallets. Who knows how much I’ll be able to make? Definitely a year’s worth.”

“If you whore yourself out, that is.”

“What else do we do but whore ourselves out??” they both cracked a smile. Some things were simply inevitable.

“Got me there. Seriously though. What madness did you manage to get yourself into??”

“It's not that extreme. Even if it is, we're already used to it. And it's just a five day trip. Oh, and we'll be butt naked too.The entire time.”

*Pffft*

He tried to control himself but it was damn near impossible.

“I'm still doing it. For that amount, I'm not thinking about anything else.”

“Do the guys feel the same??”

“I’m sure they do.”

“Think long and hard about it. All you’re talking about is the amount but..Ikki is definitely not.. I know how he feels about those things. Even for that amount, do you honestly think Tasu would willingly lower himself to those filthy cougars just for money? Why do you think he’s got a domination complex?”

“They seemed pretty open when we discussed it.”

“You’re so stupid.”

“Hey, it looked like a green signal to me. Besides, you’re closer to them than I am so of course you know a thing or two. As expected of the leader.”

“No, we all shared our trauma whenever we had our drinking parties.Your dumbass always blanked out so I’m not too surprised.”

“Hahaha. I can’t argue against that. But, Aoi. If that’s true, then why do I rememeber yours??” he softly uttered. Unbeknownst to him, Zirou was even more riled up as a result.

“I see you still want that punch. Do you want a jab or a hook??”

“Hey, hey, cool it. You’ve been through a lot. I believe that’s why the others can’t really stay mad at you.”

“Who knew trauma could actually come in handy in sticky situations.”

“Your very own get out of jail free card. Just so you know, it’s not pity.”

“Yeah, yeah. Eat up, dude. Your food’s melting. Also, who has alcohol this early? Are you trying to kill yourself??”

“What’s wrong with taking alcohol early? Besides, I didn’t have any yesterday so I’m not drinking that much. Don’t worry, I know what I would die from and it’s not alcohol.”

Sigh

“Goro.I wish you all the best. I’m guessing you’re doing this just for the sake of that dream. In that case, grit your teeth, tighten your fists and do it. Do not look back.”

“Stop it, I’m trying to eat. Jeez, this udon is rather soggy.”

“Those are your tears, idiot.”

“I see.”

Sniff sniff

“About ueno….”

“Honestly, we wanted to host a farewell party for you but…she still doesn’t want to see you. I figured we do it anyway without her but they said it would feel incomplete.”

“Well, that’s fair.”

“You can’t be saying that. Even I know it’s bullshit.”

“For them to say that, perhaps things will get better soon. That’s what I want to believe.”

“It’s just that….”

Sniff

“You didn’t do anything, right??”

“I know…Ugh, just eat up already.” he gave him a firm pat on the shoulder. With that, the race was finally over.