Chapter 2: Why Saving the Universe is Statistically Worse Than Doing Absolutely Nothing

"Ren," Sera said, completely ignoring my frantic hand-waving.

"What?!" I snapped, my index finger still casually pressing against the apocalyptic dark-matter sphere to hold it completely still in mid-air.

"You are currently holding a localized singularity. The ambient radiation is already beginning to melt the cheap plastic of your left sandal. Furthermore, the prophesied hero bleeding on your welcome mat now has exactly one minute and forty seconds to live. If you do not act, the biohazard cleanup will be extensive."

She paused, her eyes locking onto mine with an absolute, terrifying seriousness.

"But most critically, Ren... if that sphere destabilizes any further, the resulting shockwave will atomize the convenience store three blocks down the street. Your family-sized spicy potato chips will be permanently erased from this timeline."

My single visible eye widened.

The blood. The ruined roof. The armored edgelord in the sky. All of that I could tolerate. But threatening the snacks I had mentally prepared myself to eat? That crossed a line.

"Eh, Mkay." I dropped the gravelly dark-hero act completely.

The universe didn't even get a chance to process the command. It didn't happen in a blink of an eye, or a fraction of a millisecond. It happened in literal zero-time.

There was no flash of blinding light. No shockwave. No dramatic musical swell. Reality simply updated itself to match my current preference. It’s a passive effect of my autopoietic pre-constant will of thoughts.

The hyper-compressed dark-matter sphere resting against my finger? Backspaced out of existence.

The terrifying Abyssal Overlord floating above my house? He didn't even get to finish his confused blink. He is just not there anymore, his entire data signature wiped so thoroughly that not even an atom of ash was left behind.

Above my head, the splintered wood and shattered shingles of my roof seamlessly snapped back together, the dust rewinding into solid beams until it looked exactly like it had this morning.

And down on my welcome mat, the try-hard cosplayer stopped gurgling. The dramatic puddle of biohazardous blood reversed course, zipping right back into his body. His shattered ribcage knitted itself halfway back together. I purposefully capped his healing at exactly fifty percent. It was enough to stop him from dying on my property, but he was still injured enough that he wouldn't wake up right now to bother me with some tragic backstory.

"And we're done," I grumbled, dusting my hands off together of the invisible dirt of the encounter, before carefully sidestepping the groaning hero. "This right here is exactly why I never leave the house. The outdoors is just full of uninvited boss fights. And bothersome societal you know what as well unfortunately....."

Sera surveyed the instantly repaired porch, then looked down at the hero.

"Fifty percent recovery," she noted, her voice as flat as ever. "A highly calculated margin, Ren. You saved his life while ensuring he remains unconscious so you do not have to interact with him. Your dedication to social avoidance is certainly impressive, Ren."

"I call it setting healthy boundaries," I replied, finally shoving my hands deep into my hoodie pockets. "My boundary is 'zero character arcs today'."

The apocalyptic, sky-tearing noise had stopped so abruptly that the sudden silence was almost ringing in my ears.

Down the street, a single, terrified face peeked out from behind a drawn curtain. Then another. A front door creaked open, just a fraction.

I pulled my hoodie up over my spiky hair and hunched my shoulders, activating my most powerful non-system ability: The Absolute Atmosphere of a Background Character.

A woman stepped onto her lawn, her eyes wide as she stared at the empty blue sky where a dark-matter nuke had been floating just moments ago. Then, her gaze dropped to my porch.

Specifically, to the heavily armored, half-dead guy bleeding all over my "Home Sweet Home" mat.

"Oh my god..." she gasped, her hands flying to her mouth. "Is that... Arthur? The Hero of Light?!"

"He did it!" a guy shouted from two houses down, stepping out with a golf club he definitely wouldn't have been able to use against a singularity. "He defeated the Abyssal Overlord! He saved the city!"

Suddenly, the neighborhood was alive. Doors threw themselves open. People were pouring into the street, fueled by the sudden, intoxicating adrenaline of not being vaporized.

"Look at his armor! He took the brunt of the blast!"

"Someone call an ambulance! Quickly!"

"Hold on, Arthur! You're a hero!"

I kept my head down, seamlessly sliding off my porch and merging into the chaotic, cheering crowd. I walked right past a teenager who was literally weeping tears of joy for the unconscious try-hard. No one looked twice at the slouching guy in sandals.

"See? The system works perfectly," I muttered as we cleared the mob and turned the corner. "The plot gets a shiny new protagonist, and I get to remain a complete and utter disappointment to society."

"An ambition you achieve with terrifying consistency, Ren," Sera replied, walking effortlessly beside me, her expression still completely blank. "Please ensure you do not trip in your sandals before we reach the snack aisle."

"These are specially made shoes for SHUT-INs like me, and the genius innovator is—which, of course, that would be me. Heh."

I threw a profoundly smug, self-satisfied grin over my shoulder to show off to Sera, hoping to get a reaction out of her, But nothing.

"They are also uh, aerodynamically designed to get me to the snack aisle with zero wasted movement!"

Sera didn't break stride. She merely lowered her gaze to my feet for precisely half a second before returning her perfectly leveled stare to the back of my head.

"Ren," she said, her voice remaining an oasis of absolute neutrality. "You bought those at a discount store for 700 yen last Tuesday. Your left pinky toe is currently hanging off the edge."

My smug grin instantly vaporized. I quickly faced forward, shuffling my foot to hide my toe. I could have just willed it so that they would be that way, but oh well!

We have finally secured the family-sized spicy potato chips.

However, instead of immediately returning to my sanctuary, Sera mathematically deduced that spending nine hours at a noisy, neon-lit arcade was "essential for our continued physical and mental recalibration."

Put simply: she begged me to play fighting games and UFO catchers until the sun went down.

By the time we dragged our feet back to the miraculously repaired house, it was pitch black outside. We were both absolutely, comprehensively exhausted. We ate a quiet dinner—a highly nutritious combination of MSG-dusted chips and leftover rice—had a brief, mumbled conversation about my flawless parry timings in Street Fighter, and finally retreated to our separate bedrooms.

I hit the mattress and instantly blacked out. Peace. Quiet. Sweet, and nothingness.

CREAAAAAAK—!

My bedroom door, which still possessed the rusty, un-oiled hinges from before I unlocked omnipotence, shrieked open like a dying banshee in the dead of night.

I bolted upright in the dark, my heart hammering against my ribs as I clutched my blanket like a shield. My danger-sense spiked. Did the Abyssal Overlord have an older brother?! Was it the Demon King?!

"AHHH! Who's there!?!?" I yelled, bracing myself to delete a continent.

"Ren."

The terrifying cosmic threat immediately vanished.

Standing in the doorway, faintly illuminated by the moonlight filtering through the window, was Sera. She was wearing her oversized pajamas and clutching a standard-issue pillow to her chest. Her normally flawless, deadpan posture was slightly slouched, and her hair was a tiny bit rumpled.

"My sleep mode... is failing to initiate," she said, her voice unusually quiet. "The ambient noise of the timeline is too loud tonight. May I... occupy a portion of your mattress until my systems recalibrate?"

THUMP-THUMP. THUMP-THUMP. THUMP-THUMP. I willed my brain to instantly lock in.

I immediately simulated 9,999,999 possible dialogue options, branching relationship routes, and affection-meter changes. The sheer narrative weight of the 'Childhood-Friend-Wants-to-Share-a-Bed'  trope was crashing down on me all at once.

Okay, calm down, Ren!  my internal monologue screamed. I know chronologically we've existed for the exact same amount of time, but considering her petite, deceptively adorable character design... Wait, no! Cease those degenerate thoughts immediately, Ren Kanzaki! This is Sera! My My pure, innocent, loli figur—i mean, Sera! She is genuinely asking for help! I will proudly and happily accept and cure her unsleepyness problem!

I cleared my throat, desperately trying to lower my heart rate back to a normal, lazy rhythm.

"S-Sure," I stammered, awkwardly scooting over and patting the empty side of the bed. "Yeah. I mean, whatever helps your systems recalibrate i guess. You can uh.. sleep here. Just... just stay on your half."

Sera didn't say a word. She just walked over, climbed onto the mattress, and pulled the blanket up to her chin, her presence suddenly making my incredibly large bed feel very, very small. 

A soft, rhythmic breathing started coming from the other side of the bed. I squeezed my eyes shut, my body rigid, terrified that even breathing too loudly would trigger a hidden dialogue event or—heaven forbid—a romantic CG scene.

For the first time in my entire immortal life, a genuinely terrifying thought crossed my mind: I kind of wish the Abyssal Overlord had come back instead. At least dodging apocalyptic dark-matter nukes was easier on my blood pressure than thi—WAI-WAIT, WAIT! NO! SHIT!

I felt the air in the room momentarily drop by ten degrees as reality began to respond to my stray thought. I almost willed it into existence. Good thing I clutched, Deep breaths, Ren Kanzaki. Deeeeeeeeep breaaaaathss... Do not focus on the small, warm presence currently occupying forty percent of your personal space.

There was only one way out of this narrative minefield. Using the absolute authority of my own mind.

I then willed myself to sleep.