The Irish Gambit

St. Patrick's Day, somewhere in Ireland...

Two red-haired women angrily stared each other down before a large barrel. "You're askin' for it! I'll have your locks shaved clean off your head!" one fumed.

"Same for those long braids you try n' fashion as dreads along with those thick brows of yours!" the other clapped back.

"YOU'RE FECKING ON!"

The two women slammed their elbows down on the barrel and began to arm wrestle. Onlookers cheered and placed bets, yet the two women seemed evenly matched. Then suddenly, the lights went out, and when they came back on, their stood a human-sized leprechaun, holding down both of the women's arms on the barrel.

"Looks like I win, ladies, that means it's a double shaving!" the leprechaun cheered.

The whole room went silent.

"I LOST ALL MY MONEY ON YOU!" one man fumed as he grabbed his drink and hurled it at the leprechaun.

A fight broke out instantly.

"Settle down, settle down," the master cried. "Leper, no one's accepting your terms. Ladies, let's settle your feud another way."

"How?" the woman with the long braided hair scoffed.

"Chess."

A chess set was then slammed down on the barrel. With the lots drawn, the woman with long straight hair, Caoimhe, went first as White, opening with e4, while the woman with the long braided hair, Maeve, responded with e5. Knight f3 and knight c6 came next before Caoimhe went for glory by capturing the pawn at e5 with her knight, initiating the Irish Gambit.

"Fecking whore, I'd have played that!" Maeve fumed as she captured the knight at e5 with her knight.

Caoimhe then moved her queen to h5 as Maeve moved her pawn to g5. D4 and knight g4 followed, before bishop c4 and 8-knight f6 further hammered home the point that these two women didn't know how to properly play chess. That being said, Caoimhe at least knew how to win.

"Checkmate! Shave her head n' brows with the sharpest razor in the house!" Caoimhe cheered as she captured the pawn at f7 with her queen, winning the game.

Maeve was quickly restrained to a chair as clippers were brought out and her hair and brows were mercilessly sheared, all while she screamed and cried. Then came the shaving cream and razor before the now smooth bald and browless Maeve was released.

"YOU FECKERS! I HATE YOU ALL!" Maeve cried as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.

"You shouldn't have dissed my hair. Since you did, all yours got shaved off," Caoimhe proudly huffed.

[End]