Chapter 8

                                                                     Kaya

The days began to follow a familiar routine, but it was not a good one. For most of the time, Gerda stayed in her room, and I was left alone yet again.

It was my fault, I was sure of it, so I spent a lot of time wondering what I had done wrong this time. We were friends, so part of me hoped I could still somehow fix it. I just didn’t know how…

I studied the ship’s manuals so that at least I wouldn't be a burden to her, but they neither gave me comfort nor answered what I should do in this situation. Not that I had expected they would, but still, what else could I do with the long hours and none of the familiar routines and activities from home?

On those few occasions when we passed each other in the corridor, I wished I could say something to her, but my mind always went blank. What if I messed it up even more…

Gerda

Maybe I did miss her company, but the moment my survival instinct kicked in and I began to focus on everything that suddenly required my attention, I kinda didn’t know how to stop it.

I felt bad to leave her alone, but realistically, there was no point in trying to do anything about it, considering that our ways would part in a few days. Anyway, it would be awkward to leave my room and act as if nothing had happened.

I had stopped pretending that everything was okay when I was 7. It was pointless hoping that this time, somehow, things would be different. But why, then, did I feel bad about it…? The moment we landed, she wouldn’t need me. It was what it was. She would find her mum, and I would go on with my life. At least it wouldn’t have the Bitch in it as a constant reminder of how unfair and fucked up the world really was if you dared to look at it honestly.

I sighed and put away the skirt I was working on. At first, I had imagined how cute she would look in it, but that felt like ages ago, and by now I only found satisfaction in wreaking havoc on something that probably cost more than I could earn in a year. I wonder who it belonged to. Probably to her mother. Who cares… If she didn’t care for Kaya, I wouldn't care about something like this.

Kaya deserved better than this, but at least soon she would meet her mum. I sighed and shook my head. No, she wouldn’t. Life wasn’t like a movie. So what, then…? She could probably go back to our world, but… I imagined for a few moments how she would react if she didn’t, alone and overwhelmed in an unfamiliar world far away from her own. I shook my head and got up. I wasn’t a total asshole…

                                                                    Kaya

I really didn’t want to spend the rest of the time we had like this. Even if she left once we had landed, I wanted to have at least some good memories to cherish from our friendship. Just like with my porcelain cats, I still cried sometimes when I thought about how I’d left them, but at the same time, all those beautiful memories of collecting them always cheered me up in the end. Somehow, they were stronger than the sadness I felt at missing them, so at least I wanted to have something similar in our friendship.

At least that’s what I told myself when I forced myself to stop focusing on what I did wrong and look at all the stuff that seemed to work. It was difficult since, for most of my life, it seemed I only did bad things that angered people or pushed them away. So I was used to focusing on those situations in the hope that I could somehow change, but I was sure that I had managed to do a few things Gerda actually liked. Even if I didn’t know how I’d done them in the first place, I could just repeat them over and over again and create happy memories before she left.

But of course, it was easier to think like that than actually act on those thoughts, and when I saw her sitting on the sofa in the big room the next time, I froze, and my mind gave me all sorts of reasons why it was a bad idea and how wrong I was.

When, despite it, I took a step in her direction, I suddenly became aware of the oversized T-shirt I was wearing. I hadn’t really had the energy to care about my clothes in the last few days. But as I pushed through the embarrassment, I suddenly wondered if my idea of what friends were supposed to do was off. If it was, and she, despite that fact, was fine with it, what did it actually mean? But it was too late to change my course of action.

“Kaya…”, she said as she saw me.

I ran to the sofa without thinking and sat as close to her as I could. I shut my eyes, not daring to see her reaction, and I braced myself to be told off as I’d always been as a kid. But she didn't tell me off, and I was sure she relaxed, so maybe she actually liked it.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

I didn’t answer. I wanted her to remember this moment as a happy time we’d had long after she left, so I kept my fears and worries to myself.