i don't like any of this.

my head keeps hurting since i fell and i feel more embarrassed than i think i should. all those people. i don't like any of it. i told my friends to go away.

i have to figure out what i'm doing. what's going on.

my own story should be mine to tell. i can tell it. 

i don't need permission. i give it to myself.

i already need permission for so many things. more and more sometimes.

i'm trying to tell you.

everybody needs permission for everything, all the time. but you can just do things. that doesn't end well. they say you can ask for forgiveness afterward. the dumbest cliche.

look. you don't need permission for anything, but bad things will happen.

i stick to myself. but there are ways of moving and ways of being.

i draw attention to myself. i see that now. my head hurts.

what if i had cracked my skull? would they take their phones out to record it? would someone have pushed me?

like that matters. it's fine. everything's fine.

i started throwing things out of my apartment all the possessions that i had accumulated and taken with me over the years. it's all they are now is things i drag from one place to the next, leaving a trail like a caravan. i don't need any of it.

at first i put a FREE sign up in front of some of the junk i put on the curb. everybody does that. Moe said it was junk and i should dispose of it correctly and Stive said i should sell it on an app. 

they can have it. i kept throwing things out.

if i moved in with my sister i wouldn't have to bring anything. maybe just an ashtray. or a paddle game.

i don't want to hurt her.

she would be sad if i didn't come but i don't know if she thought about what it would be for me to live there. i wonder if she even talked to her husband about it.

what if i wanted to work from home? here there's so much room now. i went through a roll of garbage bags. the rats have no place to go now. 

i couldn't cook at my sister's house, she wouldn't like that. she's kind. her husband is nice.

the first time i met him they had already been dating for like half a year. sometimes she would tell me about her boyfriends but she never really let me meet them. i don't know if she ever dated someone that long before.

but i can tell you about the first time i met him and how nice he was.