Chapter 28 - Observe Me

It was simply the first thing I thought of. It fit rather well, in my opinion. I flipped to the third page and began writing. I couldn’t communicate what I wanted to, so I wrote it in a different way. It was something like poetry. I didn’t entirely understand it.

I wrote about 40 pages for a few hours, until I came across a question that I have had throughout my entire life. It was less of a question than confusion about a concept, though.

Value.

My hand automatically wrote while I was thinking. I read the words produced by my writing.

“To the Nell of the future: Would you die for Ame?”

This was one of the many questions I had written down, but it was the only one clear in its message.

I thought. I didn’t know. Ame gave my life “value”, but what “value” would it have if he wasn’t in it? There was no way to know by myself. Is value what made my life worth living? Is “value” a man-made concept, or one that had been there from the start? This thought process brought me to the concept of a number. I stared at the paper in front of me as I drew two lines. I counted them.

1.

2.

If no conscious life had ever existed, would that still be two? Or would those lines have no “value” attached to them? I looked through the window into the stars in the sky. They observed me, like always.

If they didn’t observe me, would I be the same as those lines?

…

I shut the notebook before putting it into my pocket and walking towards Aqlli’s office.

Knock Knock

“Come in.”

I walked through his door. He didn’t even lift his head to look at me when I entered.

I gripped the notebook in my pocket and spoke softly.

“What is value?”

He raised his head in surprise.

“Value?”

I walked over to his desk and put my notebook on it, opened to the page with my questions about value.

I was praying that he didn’t flip the page, but he seemed to be preoccupied with reading.

“A rather baseline question. I believe that value is not man-made, unless The Original Sin counts as man.”

“W-what do you mean…?”

Aqlli tapped his forehead a few times.

“Those two lines on your notebook exist in reality because this reality exists. The Original Sin’s existence allows that value to exist no matter what. That line will always exist as a line. But, that symbol of the line doesn’t equate to the number without a catalyst, I believe. I’m not entirely sure about this, honestly. This is an interesting question.”

He looked down as if he was thinking to himself, ignoring my presence in the room, mumbling.

“I think I’m thinking about this entirely wrong… I should think of this as a number instead of a line. The number 2. That value of ‘two’ exists no matter what, wouldn’t it? But what makes the value of two and the symbol connect? What is it that makes those two lines equal two? It would just be inherent, wouldn’t it?”

He looked up at me as if he expected me to answer him. I had absolutely no clue what he was saying.

“I-It would be inherent, I think?”

Aqlli nodded.

“Yes, yes. I do think that makes the most sense. Those two lines exist as two because of The Original Sin. I can’t believe I’m stumbling over this. I must be tired.”

I didn’t like what he was saying. I didn’t know why I didn’t like it, but I didn’t.

I spoke up.

“But why would I care about that inherent value? Why… why would that value matter to me?”

Aqlli closed his eyes for a moment, and then spoke up again.

“I believe you’re thinking of two different types of value here. You’re mixing up things you value with ‘value’ as in numbers.”

I tilted my head.

“They’re not so different, aren’t they?”

“What do you mean? What makes them the same?”

I looked back to the lines on the paper.

I felt the gaze of the stars crushing down my mind as I thought. The God of Time eagerly awaited my answer. I could only presume The Original Sin and L’eau were watching me as well.

And most importantly, humans were too.

“It’s observation.”

His eyes widened as I elaborated.

“The two lines need to be observed to both have the value of two and to have value in the eyes of humans, doesn’t it? I don’t care about that first type of value. That value… that inherent value… it makes me ‘Nell’, because of divinity’s gaze. But that second type of value, the value humans can have through their observation… that would also make me Nell, right? That second type is the only type I care about.”

Aqlli nodded his head after hearing me, but provided a counterpoint.

“You are correct. But that argument is hypocritical in nature. You can appreciate your value when your friends observe you, but not when the gods do the same? Is your arrogance enough to be selective?”

This was hard to respond to. But, when I did, it was without a hint of hesitation. Without a hint of nervousness or desperation.

It was simply pride for everything I had learned, and for everything I was capable of learning.

“Yes. It is. Because I’m a human.”

I clenched my fist as the blood-red ring Ame had given me reflected the light from the lamp. It was embarrassing to communicate like this, but it came out naturally.

Aqlli grinned, but tried to hide it.

“You’re an intelligent child. Hold onto that pride of yours.”

I tried to hold back my beaming smile but couldn’t.

“Thank you! I will!”

He chucked my notebook at me.

“Anything else you want to ask?”

I looked down. I was afraid to ask, but there was another thing I wanted to ask. It was something I had thought about a lot. Something I had been thinking about ever since Dominic’s sister told me about his past, and what his mother asked him.

And something I had been thinking about since the moment I had learned of The Original Sin.

“If your god has morals opposite to yours, what do you do?”

Aqlli smiled softly.

“Like most other things, it depends. Normally, the answer here would be that your morality would need to change, obviously. But, I don’t believe that’s the case here. You’ve read about the Princess of Hell, haven’t you?”

I nodded.

Aqlli continued.

“If I give you the statement ‘God is good’, logically, are you ought to follow a divine morality because of that?”

I tilted my head.

“...Yes…?”

Aqlli shook his head.

“No. You’d need another premise being that you are ‘ought’ to follow what is good. You cannot derive a moral necessity based off of an ‘is’ statement without including another ‘ought’. You could try this with any other statement that follows this structure, and you’d get the same result. So, when a god has morals opposite to yours, are you ‘ought’ to follow that morality, even if they are proven to be ‘good’ no matter what?”

I stuttered a bit.

“I-I know, but that’s just logically. I’m talking about what you should do, knowing that your morals are different.”

Aqlli smiled.

“It’s the same thing. It depends on the person, but from what I know personally, you should do as you always do. The Princess of Hell had gifted us that freedom of morality through her ‘justice’. Its original intention was to allow humanity to follow divinity’s morality through an extra premise, but I believe that extra premise gave us the freedom to do what we wish with it. Some may disagree, but there’s not an answer that I care about. I know too damn much about this to fool myself into thinking that my opinion holds any weight.”

I looked down.

“I see. I still don’t understand it much. I’ll try not to think about it.”

Aqlli looked at me in the eyes and spoke, as if he was trying not to chuckle.

“I’m sure you’ll have to eventually, Nell.”

My eyes widened, and then he spoke to me.

“Go speak to Kaya. She said she needed to speak with you.”

I nodded and walked towards the door. He said one last thing before I closed it and walked out.

“I know you value that flame. Don’t let it die out.”

I closed the door.

…

My footsteps echoed in the halls as I dashed towards the room I believed that Kaya had gone to.

I opened the door and saw her, alone, sitting on the floor in a white nightgown.

“...Kaya.”

She lifted her head.

All the windows in the room were closed, with the only light coming from a small lamp on the nightstand next to her. She sat on the bed in what was presumably a guest room.

In her hand was a newspaper. There was an image of a rather large city on it. She gripped it tightly.

She seemed to be staring very intently without reading it. I was a bit confused so I asked her.

“Can you read that?”

“Huh?! What do you mean ‘can I read that’?!”

It came out very poorly. I meant to ask if she wanted to read it.

She ruffled my hair.

“Whatever. I can read. I went to a good school in Laptaan! A really good one! You haven’t gone to school, but you can still read. That doesn’t sound very fair.”

I guess in her view it wasn’t “fair”. I didn’t care about my ability to read. It was helpful sometimes, though.

I had been curious about something for a while. Ame would often talk about school, but he never gave too much information about it.

“...What did you learn in school?”

She looked a little surprised.

“Eh… Hm. I forgot almost all of it. I learned a lot of magic though! I was the top of my class. Laptaan had as many mountains as Cittaglia, so it would take a while to get to sch-”

She stopped talking.

“How did I get to school?”

She thought. She seemed incredibly anxious. She began to look like she was on the verge of tears. I began to get worried and tried to help.

“Maybe your family took you?”

She turned to me with the same anxious expression.

“My family… I didn’t have any siblings. But that doesn’t matter. You’re like my brother now anyway!”

Me?

Not Sy?

“...What about Sy?”

She laid down with her back against the bed.

“Arrggg.. Sy… I guess. I don’t know what he’s like to me.”

She kicked her feet against the bed in frustration and sat back up.

“Anyway! What I brought you here for! Look!”

She shoved the newspaper into my face.

I tilted my head as she closed her eyes.

“You don’t know enough about me for this to make sense without context. So I’ll tell you.”

She clenched her fists in anger and spoke.

“My parents died a while ago. I forgot what happened to them. My dad taught me swordsmanship and my mom taught me magic. When I came back from school one day, they were dead. Two commanders of the Jeti Army were there, #5 and #1. They- They said there were assassins after my parents. I don’t remember that part entirely. I don’t know if it was the commanders who killed my parents, but it was likely. I agreed to join Ame so I could hunt them down in the name of justice.”

“Verwa and Justin?”

She looked down.

“That’s what I thought. I couldn’t remember their faces. But in the fight against both Verwa and Justin, I felt no familiarity. I was confused until today.”

She gripped the newspaper as she read it out loud to me.

“Two Laaptani terrorists were found guilty of the attack from 4 years ago. Both have escaped custody. Information needed.”

Kaya’s face was almost unreadable. It was a mix between agitation, anxiety and sadness.

“This is why I didn’t recognize them, Nell! It’s because it wasn’t them! I don’t know anymore! Why the hell did they do that?! WHY?!”

She slammed her fist on the table and grabbed her dagger, holding it up into the sky and staring at it.

“My dad had an obsidian sword that he taught me with. I told Sy about it after I joined, and he handed me the dagger. That was the first time, throughout my entire life, I placed the title of ‘good’ onto somebody other than my parents. I placed the title of ‘evil’ onto the two terrorists before.”

She laid back down and looked as if she was about to fall asleep.

“That justice has been the only constant in my life since.”

She exhaled and fell asleep. This was a lot to take in.

There were times where I wanted to analyze everything I listened to. Times where I wanted to react with whatever would be most beneficial to me. But, all I could do was squeeze her hand. I couldn’t digest this. I put her dagger on the nightstand and turned off the lights. I wanted her to sleep peacefully.

She seemed to have forgotten a lot. Her story was hazy and not pieced together well. She talked about assassins for less than a sentence. There was only one topic that I heard clearly. Only one topic that she said with full confidence.

“That was the first time, throughout my entire life, I placed the title of ‘good’ onto somebody other than my parents.”

What was the purpose of placing the title of “good” onto something, if not for her own judgment? It seemed like a rather powerful statement, to me at least.

I thought for a moment as a tiny soft smile grew on my face.

I brushed my hand through her hair.

“I label you as ‘good’.”

And I walked out of the door.

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Nell's Notebook: Page 17

I am a line.

I am a line.

Observe me.

I am a square.

I am a square.

I am a square.

Observe me.

I am a cube.

I am a cube.

I am a cube.

I am a cube.

And I do not exist.

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