That "Emanation" Thing

"I'm quite curious about that 'emanation' thing," I said, "and about your nature, and that of all the people of this world. There are the gods, and then, you are...?"

"This is good," Ynwe said. "I can explain both as one. You see, emanation is the creative power of the Holy Ones. It is a process through which the self is divided. The soul, which is the self in its truest form, is an accumulation of noumena held together by the ego. If the grip of the ego is loosened, however—"

"Noumena?" Marigold interrupted. "Sounds like an exotic plant or something."

Ynwe smiled. "Think of it as a fundamental spiritual energy. I don't fully understand it myself, but by releasing it from the soul, some of the self can be shaped into a new form. For example, a weapon" he said, producing a training sword in his hand as he had done earlier. "But, by splitting the self, we are weakened. This sword is simple enough, but if I were to emanate something the size of a Divine Instrument, I might well be fully incapacitated. The Holy Ones' noumena is far more plentiful, however." His sword vanished, and he gestured to the vast expanse of the Capital splayed out beyond the balcony. "Most of what you see around us was built from their own spirits—the buildings, the transports, the Divine Instruments—and yet they still outclass us by far."

"Why is that?" I said. Ynwe smiled silently and looked at Marigold.

"Um..." she said, "what? Do you want me to guess or something?"

"You have some inkling, do you not?" Ynwe replied.

Marigold looked mildly uncomfortable, but she put forward her idea. "Are you... an emanation yourself?"

"Excellent! You are correct! All the soldiers here, no, nearly all the populace of the Capital are emanations. Sometimes we are called constituents or integrants of our sources. The strongest of us come from the Holy Ones directly, while others still are emanations of those emanations. Even the Holy Ones originated from the great leaders after whom the Orders are named."

"Integrants... that's what they kept calling us!" Marigold said. "Although, the way they said it, I thought it was some sort of insult."

"As I'm sure you could guess, it is the particular origin of your emanation that the Holy Ones find distasteful."

"Yes," I said. "But, why emanate all this in the first place? If splitting your soul makes you weaker... surely the gods would fare better on the battlefield with their power consolidated?"

Marigold glared at me with a concerned look, like I had said something horribly offensive. Far also looked vaguely angry. What did I say that was so wrong?

For the first time, Far addressed me. "Our lives are not meaningless," she said. "There is strength in numbers and in the bonds formed between each and every soul. To suggest that the Holy Ones would be better off without us..." she snapped her head to the side with a scornful huff and returned to staring at the wall.

"I'm... sorry, I didn't mean it like that," I said.

"It's alright," said Ynwe. "He has a point, Far. The Order Spathis relies on numbers, but the others, the Orders Sfyrae and Dorian, are not the same. Sfyrae has its own integrants, though not as numerous as ours, but Dorian has very few. Their leaders are truly formidable, but with our superior strategy and combined strength we have held them back thus far."

"I see," I said. Far was still sulking, so I apologized again, but she wasn't receptive. Ynwe clasped a hand on her shoulder, leaned over, and whispered something in her ear. She seemed startled, but she perked up a bit, and I wondered what it was that Ynwe had said.

"You are interesting, though," Ynwe said, turning back toward me and Marigold. "You are unfamiliar with emanation, despite being a part of one of the most notable emanations in history. It sounds like your world does not follow the same rules as ours, but surely that cannot be. Maybe it is just that your people are a different type of integrant. You exist in a circle of birth and death, recycling the life that Ariel gave you throughout countless generations. But, you are integrants nonetheless. You must have some noumena inside you. I believe that you can perform emanation as well, although I do not know if it would be safe. Ariel was himself an integrant like me. Knowing that, and with how vast you have described your world to be, your noumena may be too faint."

"Right..." I said. "Estille did say Ariel was not a 'true god.' Still, if I can use that power, I want to learn!"

"It excites you, does it?" Ynwe said. "At our next auxiliary training, then, I shall teach you, if our Master allows it."

I nodded my head and extended my hand for a handshake. It was the first time in many years I had sincerely felt respect and admiration for another, and I thought such a gesture was an easier show of that than words, but...

"...What is this?" said Ynwe.

"A handshake! You, uh, grab my hand and shake it."

He casually stroked his collarbone, which I had learned in this world was a way of expressing a mix of confusion and interest. "Why?"

"Uh, it's like, saying, 'nice to meet you,' or 'looking forward to working together,'" I explained.

Ynwe chuckled heartily. "Ah! Excellent!" and he took hold of my hand with a firm grip and shook, hard, throwing me off balance.

"Not so violently!" I gasped, and he stopped. Marigold laughed, and I thought I saw Far stifle a snicker, too. Then came the tolling of the bell that told us it was time to retire to bed, and so our meeting was over. As we were about to part ways for the night, Marigold stopped Ynwe.

"One more thing," she said. "Why help us out like this? Is it really just your curiosity?"

Ynwe glanced off to the side. "There are some things I cannot say yet. I am drawn to unusual things, but also... in some ways, you two are similar to me. I can empathize with your feeling out of place here. It is as Far said; we of the Order Spathis value our bonds greatly. I could not be so cold as to leave you helpless."

"I..." Marigold looked unsure of what to say. "Thank you, Ynwe. And you, too, Far." Ynwe smiled, and Far gave a slight nod, and they disappeared behind their curtains, and so did we.

I flopped down on my bed. I was learning. I was finding out the truth of my world and this one, piece by piece. But, there was something profoundly underwhelming about it all. Yes, there was excitement to be found in the possibility of unlocking the power of emanation, and in Ynwe's friendship, but there would still be training tomorrow. We would still be cooped up in the barracks. Was this how adventure was meant to be?

"Godwin..." Marigold's voice came from behind the curtain to my left.

"Yes?"

"I'm tired of this place."

"I know," I said, "but don't say stuff like that. We'll get in trouble." There was a pause, then I heard the rustling of cloth, and the quiet clatter of the curtain being pulled back, and I saw Marigold standing there in the dark.

"Hey!" I said, bolting upright. "Don't just come in here! What if I was naked?" She stayed in place, silently holding onto the curtain for a moment. I couldn't make out her face for the shadows. Then, she slowly let go and came and sat on the floor, leaning against my bed.

"If I'm in here, I can be quieter," she whispered. I sighed and set my head back on my pillow.

"I'm not too happy to be here, either," I said. "To tell the truth, I'm starting to doubt myself. Was there really any point in looking for this stuff? Should I have just... sucked it up and tried to live a normal life?"

"You might've been miserable," Marigold said.

I smiled. "I might have. We can't know, I suppose." Marigold sat quietly, and all I could hear were the sounds of our breathing. "You're not thinking of running away, are you?" I said.

"I can't. I want to, but I can't. I know what Ynwe said is true, after all, and even if I thought there was a chance of success, I'd be too afraid to try it."

"At least we've made some friends. Ynwe is very kind. Maybe with his help, we can get strong enough to get away."

"Mm." She didn't sound so sure, and neither was I. We sat there for a long while. It was strange, but there was something nice about just lying there in the darkness so close to another human. It brought me some comfort, and I hoped that it did the same for Marigold. Eventually, she shifted position, and got up.

As she walked back to her bed, she stopped. "Godwin."

"Yeah?"

"Do you really... sleep naked?" I felt my face contort unconsciously, and my mind was flooded with confusion. Why would she need to know something like that? Was she planning to throw my curtain open, exposing my bare body for the other knights to see?—to humiliate me? Or maybe she was going to vandalize my buttocks somehow... or worse... ack! What kind of bizarre wickedness was that witch thinking of!?

"That's none of your business!" I hissed (but for your information, I do typically sleep in the nude, although I had taken to keeping my undergarments on since starting life in the barracks). Marigold's shoulders tensed up at my sharp response, and she shrunk away behind her curtain without a word, leaving me with a newfound paranoia.