Chapter 43 - Not My Fault

No. It didn’t kill him. He was alive. I was sure of it. He wouldn’t die from a spike. He was too strong.

I walked forward. The trail of blood from my throat was dragging onto my knees.

Inda stared at the alive Aqlli. His eyes were blank and blood was coming out of his brain.

But he was alive. I was sure of it.

Ra walked forward and picked up his sword.

“Cool sword. He’s already dead, I’m sure he won't mind.”

He slammed the sword down and cut Aqlli’s head off.

He could survive that. He was strong.

I crawled over to him and placed my hand on his heart.

It wasn’t beating.

What?

Inda was screaming and crying from beside me.

Her tears were dripping onto Aqlli’s neck.

This wasn’t my fault. He decided to come to the battlefield. This wasn’t my fault.

I couldn’t tell what was dripping from my eyes. I think it was tears. It could have been blood and I wouldn’t have known.

I saw Kaya run at Ra. I heard her yell into the sky while she was running.

“PRINCESS OF HELL! ALLOW ME TO JUDGE HIM!”

But no wings grew on her back. Ra shot forward and put his palm to her stomach.

No.

No.

Kaya was strong. Kaya was stronger than me.

BOOM!

Ra blasted a hole through her stomach as she fell unconscious. Her eyes clouded.

I tried to speak but I couldn’t. It wasn’t because of my throat. It was because of my internal world.

I was frozen.

This wasn’t my fault. That was all I could think about.

How it wasn’t my fault.

Tears streamed down my face.

Dominic screamed out as tears fell down his face.

He held his sword as a golden aura encased him.

“NOT AGAIN! PLEASE! NOT AGAIN!”

He ran straight towards Kaya and fell to his knees.

He stared into her blank eyes.

The gods were nowhere to be seen.

He had nobody to find his path from.

He burst out in tears.

“WHAT DO I DO NOW?!”

Rumi blasted a spike of rock through his chest. His heart was being held at the end of the spike, completely separated from his body. He was dead.

I… I don’t know.

This wasn’t my fault. This wasn’tmy faultthiswasn’tmyfaultthisewassnnnnnnntnt

Ame was staring at this with wide eyes. But he wasn’t crying. He was so strong.

He was stronger than me. I wanted to live. I wanted to live with Ame. I wanted to live with Kaya, Dominic, Sy, Inda and Ame.

“RUN!”

I heard Ame yell to run.

But I couldn’t. I was going to die.

My RME healing wasn’t working.

We were being slaughtered like pigs. We were all going to die. I didn’t want that. I didn’t care whose fault it was. I didn’t want that. I was crying. My lack of power was made clear the moment Aqlli died. But I couldn’t see it. None of it was my fault.

I was tired.

My consciousness was starting to fade. My oxygen flow had completely stopped by this point.

Ame ran over to Sy, but he was stopped.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Ra shot flames out of his hand. Ame couldn’t look at me. His skin turned black and flaked off of his body. His blood fell to the floor in a puddle as he collapsed.

He was alive. He was alive. He was Ame. He was Ame. He had light blue hair. He wore white clothes and a golden earring. He was Ame Nishimura, leader of Eternal Flame.

That was who he was. He couldn’t die. I remembered him. His effects were inside my internal world.

Ra held Aqlli’s sword and rushed over to Sy. Sy was trying to run as tears streamed down his face.

A sword pierced his heart.

He fell to the floor and died. The mirror in his internal world shattered as he hit the floor.

Inda wasn’t trying to run. She was holding off Ra for a moment.

She kicked him away. She was winning. She could save us. Inda could save us. Inda. Inda could.

CRASH!

Two walls of rock slammed together on Inda.

She fell to the floor. Her body was compressed into a red splat. Her skin peeled off the rock as she died.

Oh.

I was the only one left.

Oh.

I was going to die.

Oh.

I wanted to live. I wanted to live. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care who I had to rely on. I didn’t care about my dignity. I wanted Ame back. I wanted everybody back.

The presence I felt when I first entered the battlefield was still watching me.

I knew she was.

I yelled at the top of my lungs as the noise barely escaped.

“L’EAUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

There was no response.

“L’EAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! SAV.. E… SAVE ME.E..E…”

She abandoned me. Just like I did to her. Just as I was told I had done to her. I had never abandoned her.

L’eau.

I hate you. I hate you more than anything on this planet.

And I hate myself. It was only at this moment where I realized a part of who I was that I never wished to realize.

My weakness.

Ra walked up to me and stuck his sword in the already-made hole in my neck.

“Last one. Good try.”

He stabbed his sword deeper. There was a hole in the back and front of my neck.

My vision faded to black.

I was going to die.

“You’re pathetic, my love. But these sins will bring you right into my hands.”

…

I gripped my throat. The blood previously gushing from my neck didn’t mark my hand.

Huh?

Where was I?

I looked around. I was alive.

Tears streamed down my face as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

It was Dominic.

“Are you okay, Nell? We’re leaving soon. Prepare your portal.”

H-Huh.

I looked around.

Kaya was talking with Sy and Inda.

Ame was staring at the floor, eyes wide.

He turned to me as we made eye contact.

He was the only one different.

Did he remember what just happened? I couldn’t tell if it was real. I didn’t know what was happening. I called out to L’eau, and then… oh.

Did the God of Time send us back in time? L’eau controlled space, not time. So it wasn’t her.

It had to be the God of Time.

I was confused. Tears continued running down my face as Ame walked up to me. My body was shaking and my mind actively tried to remove the memories of everything that had just happened.

“Do… Do you remember, Nell?”

I was right. I could only assume it was because he had entered my internal world before.

I nodded as he stayed silent. Neither of us knew entirely what was going on.

I turned to Dominic. I wanted to tell him that I saw everybody die. I wanted to tell him that if we continued, we would all die.

But I knew what I was going to do. If I told him, then he would try to stop me. I kept my mouth shut and hoped I could buy enough time.

Dominic spoke to me.

“Alright. Make the portal and we’ll start the fight.”

My brain froze as I screamed.

“NO! NO! NO! NO! PLEASE! PLEASE DON’T!”

Dominic stepped back in confusion.

Ame knew why I was terrified.

Dominic thought for a moment before speaking to me.

“Alright. If your portal idea isn’t working, we’ll use the transport planes.”

N…No. Please.

I heard Ame speak from beside me.

“Alright. We’ll fly there. It’ll give us time to prepare.”

H-Huh? Ame knew the outcome. But he was still going.

I got us all killed. My weakness got us all killed. I flew close to the divine sun. This was all my fault. I needed to die again. I needed to die again and again and again and again and again and again until I didn’t feel this anymore. I held my hand up to my wrist artery and cut it with RME, but it healed automatically. I couldn’t die. I couldn’t escape this feeling.

I turned to Ame.

Ame. He wasn’t going to go.

Ame turned back to me with an anxious yet soft smile on his face.

“Trust me, Nell. If we aren’t there. Aqlli won’t be distracted. We’ll make it there after either Ra or Rumi is dead, and we help him finish the last one off.”

It was logical. I didn’t care about logic. I didn’t. Logic wasn’t what made me feel the slightest bit better here.

It was the fact that it was Ame who said it.

I nodded and grabbed his arm as he pulled me up. He yelled to somebody.

“Go get twelve transport aircrafts.”

She nodded. I sat with Ame for multiple hours trying everything in my power to stop scratching my wrists until the planes arrived.

Dominic loaded all the members into twelve different planes. However, over 100,000 of them were being left out. There wouldn’t be enough space.

I followed Ame onto the plane when it was time for us to load in. The plane soon launched off the ground, and we were on our way to the battlefield. The place where we all just died.

We were all silent on the plane. Everybody saw me stressing out, so they knew not to say anything. It would have helped if they did say something though. I needed somebody to say something to me.

After an hour or so, we landed near the battlefield. We didn’t go straight there, though.

I lied and told them that I sensed that Aqlli wasn’t there. They believed me, even though Aqlli didn’t even have magic to sense.

Lying was good if it helped protect people. I believed it was. I needed to atone.

We set up camp nearby. Kaya immediately fell asleep. Dominic checked on the soldiers and helped them make shelter. Sy also immediately fell asleep. Ame laid down. He knew what would happen if we all went there.

Soon, Dominic also went to sleep. Inda did as well. It was my turn to sleep.

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t let everybody die. Not again. These were the consequences of my actions.

I would die without them. If I used all my RME on Rumi or Ra, I could injure them enough for Aqlli to kill them with little trouble.

That’s what I would do. I killed everybody because of my pride.

So, I would save everybody with my pride. I would atone for my sins, and this feeling would finally go away.

For Kaya, this was my justice.

For Sy, this was my identity.

For Dominic, this was my path.

For Inda, this was my freedom.

For Ame, this was my reality.

And for me, this was my sin.

I ran away from the camp as everybody slept. I ran and ran until my legs could barely move.

I saw them. Rumi, Ra, Aqlli, and Marē.

I was going to die. But I was going to win.

I stepped onto the battlefield.

Aqlli yelled at me to leave, but I didn’t care.

Ra shot forward at me instantly.

I built up an incredibly large amount of RME in the palm of my bloody hand. His eyes widened.

I was glad he was scared.

I was scared too.

But I still smiled.

I saw hundreds of thousands of different realities in this moment. Ra blowing me up. Ra incinerating me. Rumi stabbing a rock through my head. All of these were real. All of these happened.

But I didn’t feel it. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand anything. I felt like I was going insane.

I already knew the ending.

I heard a noise behind me as a bullet of ice shot Ra in the collarbone, cracking it.

Ame yelled out from behind me.

“I’VE SEEN THE OUTCOME TOO, NELL! BUT I WON’T ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN!”

I smiled. But I wasn’t happy. The comfort he gave me could only push me so far.

The outcome wasn’t going to change.

And it was going to be my fault. Again. I would kill everybody.

Just like I did before.

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Nell’s Notebook: Page 63

H o w Do I W r it e He r e ?

…

I don’t remember writing this. This isn’t my handwriting.

If you’re reading this, please go away.

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