Day 5

I practically wasted another day. I had 6 days left until I needed to decide if I wanted to live forever or not. My entire body ached as I stood up, stepping over my obliterated laptop and walking to the kitchen. I stared at my fridge for a few minutes before deciding that I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t feel like I could eat.

My medicine from yesterday wore off, so yet again, my mind was unprotected against itself.

It was already looking bad for me. I failed to eat anything, and I ended up pacing back and forth in my room, my bare foot bleeding as I strode over my shattered laptop again and again just to take my mind off these thoughts.

I realized I couldn’t let them linger like this. I needed to do something. I needed to go outside. I needed to- I- I needed to do something other than think. I needed to act. I needed to act.

A shard of glass came out of my foot as I crawled up on my bed and went on my phone.

I typed in the numbers 9-1-1, and then deleted it. I typed it again, and then deleted it.

I wasn’t acting. I needed to act. If I talked to somebody, I didn’t need to think.

I almost threw my phone across the room again. I was scared. I was too scared.

But maybe I wanted to be scared. If I was scared, somebody could help me.

I finally typed in the numbers, and called the police.

I needed to act as normal as I could.

I heard a voice come from my phone.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

…

I took several deep breaths in and out.

“Is blowing up a church legal?”

The operator sounded concerned.

“No… Of course it isn’t.”

I was too scared to ask for help. I didn’t need help. I didn’t need anybody. I was lying when I said I did. I could do this on my own. I could be fine on my own.

The operator spoke again, interrupting my thoughts.

“Why do you ask?”

My entire body began to shake as I spoke. I tried as hard as I could to not stutter. I didn’t want them to think I needed help. Because I didn’t.

“I was just wondering.”

The operator went silent.

We both sat in silence for a moment. They could probably hear my breath. I needed to breathe less.

After around 10 seconds of silence, I spoke again. I was stupid to speak. But I needed to ask.

I… I didn’t want their help, I didn’t need their help, I didn’t need it, I didn’t need it. I didn’t.

“If all humans became immortal in 6 days, would you want to live, or die before the time ran out?”

…

The operator spoke.

“Where do you live?”

“I-I don’t live anywhere.”

…

Twenty minutes later, there were five police officers at my door. I didn’t know why they needed to send so many. I wasn’t a threat. I spoke normally on the call. Was I breathing too much?

I peered through the hole in my door as they spoke to me from behind it.

“Um, excuse me, is Sirius Pegasi home? We’ve been called here for a wellness check.”

Wellness check? I was right. I was breathing too much. I was so FUCKING STUPID. I needed to stay calm. I needed to look normal. I needed to breathe less.

I opened the door, and greeted the officers as normally as I could. If I went to jail, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I wouldn’t be able to kill myself if it was necessary. I wouldn’t be able to speak to anybody, I wouldn’t be able to make my decisions, I wouldn’t be able to see my dad, I wouldn’t be able to live, I wouldn’t be able to save people.

I would be trapped. My freedom would be gone. These fucking people were trying to stop me from being free. They didn’t want me to make my own decisions.

These people… they remove people’s freedom all the time. If I took the decision of immortality into my own hands… I would be removing somebody’s freedom, just like these people. That was what I thought. I shouldn’t do it. But I needed to know what they thought.

I needed to know.

One of the officers had me step out of my doorway. He spoke to me.

“We’ve gotten reports about you having thoughts about harming people for their religion. Is everything alright?”

It wasn’t for their religion, they were misunderstanding. And I wouldn’t do that. I would never. They were getting this wrong about me. They hated me. They thought I was evil.

I stared into their eyes with intrigue, not blinking a single time. I stopped breathing entirely as I spoke so they didn’t think anything was wrong.

“If every human on the planet became immortal in 6 days, would you want to stay alive and be immortal, or would you want to die before the time was up?”

The officer side-eyed his associate, before turning back to me and speaking in a soft tone.

“Well, I don’t think I know what I would do. I think I’d leave it to fate. I don’t have the freedom in this world to make a decision like that.”

Freedom… Freedom. He would leave the decision to fate. That meant he would most likely become immortal, right? Why would he just let that happen? Did he not care? He had to have cared.

I suppressed my shaking as I spoke to him, appearing as calm as I could.

“In this situation, you’d be the only person to know this was happening. If somebody didn’t want to be immortal, would you kill them to save them? S-Since they wouldn’t believe you if you just told them, you’d need to take matters into your own hands, right?”

He was going to say something about leaving them alone and not telling them. I don’t know why it would be different. I should’ve known. I was stupid. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have asked-

“Please put your hands behind your back.”

Huh?

…

Ten minutes later, I was in the back of a police car, driving towards the Santa Clarita Sheriff’s Station. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything. They were detaining me unlawfully.

I didn’t kill anybody. I didn’t. I wasn’t going to. They were trying to kill me. They wanted me to suffer and rot and die. I wasn’t going to let myself die.

I needed to save people.

They took my mugshot, my fingerprint, and then they threw me in a holding cell.

I brushed my fingers against the cold wall, stomping my feet against my floor so they didn’t itch from the bleeding.

Apparently, I was supposed to go to court tomorrow for terroristic threats. I needed to sleep in this cell today.

I couldn’t talk to anybody. I couldn’t take any medicine to stop my thoughts. I couldn’t DO FUCKING ANYTHING BESIDES THINK. I couldn’t talk to my dad. I needed to talk to my dad.

I wanted to talk to my dad. He didn’t think I was evil. He didn’t think I wanted to blow up a church. He knew I was nice. He knew I was his child.

I was shivering. I was cold. I was hot. I was cold.

“Dad…”