Chapter 2: What is Gender Even Good For?

Even I didn’t expect those words. Here I thought I proposed a relationship to my dream guy and now he was telling me he wasn’t a he? The person before me looked like a guy to me. Not that I actually checked or anything. I required a serious double-take as I repeatedly looked up and down at him.

“You too? I get how it looks, but I’m really not a guy inside.”

Oh, that was what he meant. Actually, would he even be the right word? I didn’t know.

“And how would I refer to you?”

“I would prefer it if you could refer to me as she.”

“Okay, she it is. So, what was the problem again?”

“I can’t be your boyfriend.”

Oh, that. On the one hand, he wasn’t the guy of my dreams, not really. On the other hand, I needed to really ask myself just how important it was that I dated a guy. As a matter of fact, being with a girl had perks such as not being caught easily. Nobody would suspect me of secretly dating if my partner in crime were a girl too.

Not that I found any attraction to girls, just so we are clear, but why would I reject someone purely because of their gender. I never had a relationship with a girl before that—I had no relationship with anyone for that matter—so it would be an unfamiliar experience for me. It wasn’t that I hesitated because of her gender or anything. Sorry, that was a lie. It was definitely the gender thing that made me hesitate. She was perfect in everything else, but I just couldn’t easily take that next step of accepting a girlfriend. Not easily, anyway.

“See? You can’t accept it.”

She turned away, but I quickly grabbed her arm before she could leave.

“Please, just give me a few minutes.”

I really needed more time to think. If I had allowed her to walk away, she’d disappear forever. Perhaps I might be lucky to see her at a concert or walking around, but any chance to date or even just be friends would be lost forever. In this place, at this moment, we found ourselves a spot of solitude. But could I really date her half-heartedly just because I wanted to take advantage of the situation?

How did I feel about it? Could I honestly tell the me of the future that I made the right choice? Actually, why was I hesitating? Was it for my sake or hers? In retrospect, I hesitated not for her, but for myself. With that in mind, I looked at her—truly looked at her.

“I should be honest, I get caught up in my thoughts a lot and I don’t know if I can accept having a girlfriend. Would you be willing to date me, anyway?”

“I’m not against it, but don’t you think that this is a bit too sudden?”

“It might be, but haven’t you ever regretted not taking a leap forward? I know I have, so I promised myself that I would never let an opportunity go by second-guessing myself.”

She looked down for a moment, and moments turned to seconds, but at least she stayed. I awaited her response even as the cars blasted past us without minding my dilemma—not that I honestly expected them to. Chill winds following the cars blew repeatedly across my uncovered skin, causing involuntary shivers. The trees nearby shook loudly as birds made their perches within. Even the skittering of a leaf across the sidewalk boomed as if to distract me. Her mouth twitched just a little as her eyes flitted towards me before shying away just as quickly. The thumping of my heart rang in my ears. Wait, did I actually fall for her? No, no, this was just the suspension bridge effect. I couldn’t possibly have fallen for her already when she could still reject me. Right? Right?

“I’m sorry, but…”

Oh no, it was coming. My eyes clenched shut as I tried not to hear the next words. Even if I’d regret not asking more, I still regretted asking her out. This was a mistake, and I knew it before I even asked, but I did it anyway, and I needed to accept the result. Even if my feet wanted to carry me far away, I resisted with my willpower in order to hear her response. That didn’t make it any easier though.

“… Mei, are you listening to me right now? Did you hear me?”

“Oh, sorry. I don’t think my heart was ready for your response. Could you repeat it?”

“Thought so. I said I am okay with it.”

“Figured you’d say that. I—wait, did you say you are okay with it?”

She placed her hand on my shoulder before she said, “We are going to need to fix your attention problem if we want this to work out. Also, please call me Kara.”

“Kara, is it? My name is Mei. So, do you know how this dating works?”

“I wouldn’t know. Are we even going to be able to see each other with your concerts?”

Huh? What? What did Kara just say? No way, right? I heard that wrong, right? Seriously, I was in disguise; there was no way she could know. Okay, maybe my name gave away a little too much, but who would connect the name to an unknown idol like me? Not that trying to deny what I heard changed anything, but who could blame me for trying?

“How…”

“You know that you are quite famous, right?”

Kara brought out a phone and tapped a few times before turning the screen towards me, and I almost screamed. I didn’t though. Why was there an entire blog about me going out in disguise? Wait, it was my official blog? When did I make an official blog? And why was one of my hobbies “going out in disguise to experience a quiet life”? What kind of person has such a weird hobby? Don’t look at me, that wasn’t a hobby! What was up with the disclaimer to pretend that my disguised self was a different person?

“You didn’t know then. This poster is likely your manager.”

“I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Back to my question…”

“I can work something out, but I think we need to do something about your clothes and makeup.”

“You are okay with me being… you know.”

“What is gender even good for? If I can’t accept you for who you are, how can I expect others to accept me?”

“Fair enough.”

I quickly showed Kara my code for her to scan, then did the same for hers and fixed her name quickly. With that, we could contact each other. Unfortunately, with her current appearance, I couldn’t get a picture yet, but once we went shopping together… Well, actually…

“Say, do you know your sizes? I have a plan.”

“Should I assume you mean for women’s clothes?”

“Yes, but if you don’t know, just let me know your current sizes. I know someone who can fix up some spare clothes. Is it okay to send them to your home?”

“About that, my family doesn’t know.”

“That makes it a little more difficult then. I guess we can figure that out later then. So, your sizes?”

Kara leaned over and whispered a few numbers, which I noted down. I needed to look them up later and convert them, but I would make it work. As for our current situation, I expected I needed to end our meeting here before anyone got suspicious.

“We’ll talk later, but…”

“I get it. We have each other’s contact, so we can always call each other later.”

“Thanks. Talk to you later.”

I bowed to Kara before picking my bags back up. I had quite a list of things to do once I returned to the hotel.