The Most Brutal Sentence in History

【POV: Mari】

Amidst the crisp applause from Class 2-A for Riku's romantic "miracle", a massive black shadow suddenly crashed down, swallowing our entire group.

The surrounding air temperature plummeted drastically. The noisy chatter of the crowd abruptly felt distant, as if blocked by a thick pane of glass.

I frowned, spinning around.

Standing right behind Tetsuya was an unnaturally tall man, nearly two meters in height. He was dressed in a tailored black suit. His chiseled face was as cold as carved marble, and his gray eyes were glaring directly at the back of Tetsuya's neck.

An oppressive aura, reeking of bureaucracy and accusation, radiated from him. He gave me a slight bow, a movement perfect down to the millimeter. This guy was an entity belonging to the Malakhim class. More specifically, Samael the Accuser, whose sole job was to pick on the flaws of humanity (and sometimes even mine).

「The Lord.」 His voice was deep and murky, echoing like a judge's gavel. 「I am here to execute justice upon the defendant, Mori Tetsuya.」

Tetsuya turned around, his expression still infuriatingly calm. He raised an eyebrow, looking Samael up and down. 「Yeah, what's up?」 Tetsuya asked, his tone utterly bored. 「Last time when I borrowed power to wipe out that cockroach nest in the club room, why didn't you show up to accuse me?」

「Last time was a matter of epidemiological emergency, exempted under Article 42, Clause 3 of the Heavenly Law on Public Health Protection.」 He tapped his long, spindly finger against the air. 「But this time... You have severely violated the Principle of Free Will.」

He pointed a finger at Riku.

「You used a Galgal—a high-level reality manipulation tool—to forcefully hijack the body, nervous system, and motor functions of Ōtsuka Riku for your personal entertainment. This is a felony.」

Riku adjusted his crooked glasses, looking at Samael with a mix of fear and curiosity.

「Hold on a sec...」 Riku raised his hand. 「Are you really an angel? You look more like a tax collector.」

Samael didn't even spare Riku a glance, his eyes glued to Tetsuya.

「But hey...」 Riku scratched his head, looking thoughtful. 「I've got a question. Mari already confirmed that Hell doesn't exist. So... if Tetsuya pleads guilty, how exactly are you gonna punish him? Make him write lines 1000 times?」

Samael froze. He slowly turned to look at Riku, his ash-gray eyes flashing with a rare hint of confusion. He cleared his throat.

「Regarding the matter of punishment...」 He spoke slower now. 「Under current regulations, the final authority lies with the Supreme Judge.」

Saying that, he turned to face me, bowing exactly at a 45-degree angle.

「Lord Amano Mari. What is your ruling on this severe violation by the defendant Mori Tetsuya?」

All eyes instantly fell on me. Tetsuya looked at me, giving a defiant shrug. Riku's jaw dropped in anticipation. Yuria was still hugging the tree, but her ears perked up, listening closely.

I crossed my arms over my chest and stepped right up to Tetsuya. I looked up at him, trying to put on the sternest face a Judge could muster.

「Mori Tetsuya.」 My voice hardened.

「Present.」

「Do you admit to manipulating your friend using my toy?」

「Yes. But it was for the noble cause of helping him escape his single life.」

「Reason rejected.」 I declared. 「Your actions are inexcusable. Therefore, I sentence you...」

I took a deep breath, pointing a finger right at his chest.

「...To squish my cheeks three times a day! Morning, noon, and night! For at least 5 seconds each time! And you have to tell me I'm cute while doing it! Sentence duration: Eternity!」

The space fell completely silent.

Samael stood frozen stiff. He looked at me, then at Tetsuya, then back at me, his expression shifting from stern to... utterly speechless.

「My... Lord...」 Samael's voice trembled slightly. 「Is... is that a punishment? Or a reward?」

「It's a punishment! I say it's a punishment, so it's a punishment!」

Tetsuya let out a long sigh, raising a hand to rub his temples. 「So harsh...」 He muttered, but I swore I could see him fighting back a smile.

Samael stood there for a few more seconds, seemingly trying to process this bizarre logic. Finally, he let out an exhausted sigh.

「The ruling has been made. I have no further business here.」 He said bluntly, adjusting his tie. He turned on his heel and walked away, his steps decisive.

「Where are you going?」 Riku called out after him.

「To watch the C.O.R.E. Summer Tournament.」 Samael shouted back without even turning his head. 「Today's final has a team running an amazing camping strat. I was right in the middle of watching it with Gabriel when I had to drag my ass out here for duty.」

I turned to Tetsuya, grinning and offered my cheek. 「Come on, execute the sentence right here, right now, sinner!」

Tetsuya looked at me, shaking his head helplessly. He reached out, gently pinching my cheek.

「Cute.」

「Ouch! Not so hard!」

「Has it been 5 seconds yet?」

「No! That was only 4.9 seconds! Do it again!」

Yuria finally decided to spare the poor tree. She stumbled over, her hair a messy bird's nest, her face still a bit pale, but her eyes were burning with a terrifying gleam of enlightenment. She pointed a finger right in my face, then at Tetsuya, who was still busy executing his sentence.

「I get it now! The Euthyphro Dilemma! Hey Socrates, you can rest in peace now, the answer is right here!」

I raised an eyebrow, my mouth still pinched sideways by Tetsuya. 「Huh? Are you high on philosophy again?」

「Listen here!」 Yuria was fired up, starting to preach like a prophet who had just received a revelation. 「Socrates once asked: "Is what is morally good commanded by God because it is good, or is it good because it is commanded by God?". Just look at your ridiculous "punishment", Mari!」

She clapped her hands loudly.

「The answer is crystal clear: An action is right... simply because God says so!」 Yuria laughed out loud, her face filled with bitter sarcasm. 「If you say cheek-squishing is torture, then the entire heavenly legal system has to treat it as torture. Logic, morality, or justice... they're all just a color palette in the hands of a lovestruck girl!」

I glanced at Tetsuya, then at Yuria.

「So what?」 I replied nonchalantly, simultaneously enjoying the final 2 seconds of my morning cheek-squish shift. 「If I say the sun is blue, it'll just have to dye itself.」

Yuria dropped her head with a heavy sigh, muttering: 「Yes, Lord, I repent. This universe is truly one grand scam running entirely on simp energy.」

〈Mari's Note for Mortals〉

New character alert: Samael the Accuser. My precious venom! Don't go confusing this guy with the Demon Lord Lucifer, alright.

In reality, Lucifer or Satan don't even freaking exist. Who could possibly stand against me to even attempt a rebellion? The power scaling is way too unbalanced! I have no idea what those ancient theologians were thinking, haiz...

Ah, almost forgot, here's the main course. Yuria mentioned the Euthyphro Dilemma. Its implications are as follows:

If the premise "What is good is commanded by God because it is good" is true, then morality is an objective concept, independent of God. Therefore, it turns out that God is not the ultimate arbiter of morality.

If the premise "It is good because it is commanded by God" is true, then this morality is coercive and dictatorial. Anyone wanting to build an image of a benevolent God wouldn't be able to accept this. Because if God ordered a genocide, would it suddenly become a good thing?

As for me... yeah, it's a dictatorship, so what? What are you mortals gonna do about it? Start a rebellion?