How to Ruin a Dating Show

Petey Pete smiled into the camera as he waved around a lavender stack of cards at his desk. He was in a sequin suit again, eyeing the others sitting across from him.

The reunion special had gone on for over half an hour not counting the commercial breaks. According to the producer’s assistant (who’d been quite friendly with one of the later bachelors to be eliminated), the finale had gone viral. Social media, online, television, this was going to be the only thing anyone would be talking about for ages.

Would Petey Pete have preferred something a bit more sedate? Absolutely. It seemed like they already had an eventful finale in play with Christian ready to reveal his being here for the money. But the theater of everything involving Jules’s last second arrival and confession was too much for even him to interrupt.

He’d had to vamp for a while on the show and ask questions of the also-rans. He flittered between them, asking a question or two but not lingering long on each. They’d get more time in the online segments they were going to film later.

There were still highlights, though. As stiff as Tyrone had been on the show he was markedly looser and more friendly once it was over. Ryan’s misadventures with crossdressing had made her popular with a very particular subset of the audience – and apparently at least one member of the production staff, if the look on Bruce’s assistant’s face was any indication.

Christian’s collapse at the eleventh hour had broken the man. He’d gone from having the game in the palm of his hand to losing it all. He kept arguing that he was the last man standing and he deserved the million dollars. Petey Pete had to point out that since Kristina picked Jules at the end and Jules had already been eliminated, no one won the million dollars.

Petey Pete looked up and saw Kristina and Jules speaking just off-camera to big-shot director Skylar Linear. She looked ecstatic, nearly crushing both men in a big bear hug.

“And now, finally here to talk with us tonight, our bachelorette Kristina Harlowe and her chosen bachelor, Jules Maddow!”

To the sound of applause from those who were present, the two arrived. Jules was still in the same ripped up undershirt and jeans he’d worn since arriving, while Kristina had swapped to a comfortable short-sleeved black shirt and jeans.

Notably, both came onto the set looking exhausted and pleased with themselves. They sat down with IV drips stuck into their wrist.

Petey Pete couldn’t let that go without a little bit of ribbing. “Had a bit of fun, have we?”

Jules grinned. “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, Petey.” But the wink he gave to Kristina (and the one she gave back) said all that needed to get past the censor.

“There was a lot of shock,” said Petey Pete, “with the reveal that you two had fallen in love. How much of that finale was planned in advance?”

Kristina bit her lower lip. “Less than you’d think. I had no idea Jules was going to do any of that. It’s crazy he did. We hated each other when the show started.”

“Really!” Petey Pete gasped. “Jules, is that right?”

“Absolutely. If I hadn’t survived the first challenge, I would’ve been one of the first guys out. It felt like every round, I was scrambling to survive. Until I couldn’t.”

Petey Pete leaned forward, a hand resting on his cheek. “What are you planning next?”

Jules didn’t look sure. “I don’t have two nickels to rub together and we live on opposite ends of the country. But we’ll find a way to make it work.”

“And I’m hopeful that with all the craziness on the show, maybe it’ll open a few doors for me,” said Kristina. She glanced at Skylar who was giving her a nod, then turned back to Petey Pete with a smile. “For now though, I could use a vacation.”

“I agree.” Petey Pete smiled. “After all the insanity of what’s happened on this show I think you’ve both earned a rest. Which is why I’m happy to give you all a nice bit of news, courtesy of one of our sponsors. They’ve offered you both an all-expenses paid romantic getaway to the scenic shores of Hawaii!”

Kristina was clapping her hands while Jules was trying to process the words ‘all-expenses paid’.

“Before we close things out, I need to know. Kristina, you had some reservations about being on this show since you weren’t the ‘traditional’ bachelorette. Looking back, do you think that worked more to your advantage?”

“Maybe.” She looked again at Jules. “Even if it didn’t, it all worked out in the end. I’m not complaining.”

Petey Pete tapped his cards against the desk. “Jules, you told me that you were going to hide amongst the other bachelors by being the biggest idiot amongst them, and that only a fool goes on a dating show to find love. Have you changed your mind at all?”

Jules raised an eyebrow. “I guess the reason I was so good at hiding was because I was an idiot. Have to be to fall in love with her.”

Kristina lightly punched him in the arm.

“And that’s all we have time for here tonight, ladies and gentlemen!” Petey Pete flashed another smile at the two lovers rose from their seats and moved to grab their IV drips. “Plenty more behind the scenes and post-game interviews will be coming out over the next few days. But this time, it looks like love of the heart won out over love of money. I’m your host, Petey Pete, signing off!”

----

Jules and Kristina quietly had their IVs removed and were bandaged up, finally allowed to take a break from all of the mess.

Nothing had gone quite how Jules had planned. He’d gone from wanting to burn the whole thing down to ensuring it had a rip-roaring finale. That finale was hardly what one would call ‘ruining’ a dating show. But for a show that seemed designed to fail? A concept that, if executed as intended, would ensure a certain contestant won and steal someone’s dreams away?

From a certain point of view, playing things straight meant Jules had succeeded in ruining everything. Only a few people would ever know it. But he knew and that was satisfaction enough.

The bachelorette and her chosen bachelor continued sitting next to each other, quietly enjoying each other’s company. They’d done it together. But now a question lingered on the minds of them both. What now?

Kristina spoke to it first. “I always wondered what happened after the credits roll. Two lovers walking into the sunset, happily ever after.”

Shows like this didn’t have a high success rate, Jules knew it even before his crash course on the genre. But he didn’t care about the odds. The odds told him he never had a chance with a woman like this. They told him they should never have gotten along. But they’d made it work so far.

Jules looked to the doors to the building. There was only one way he’d ever know. He gave Kristina his hand. “You want to go find out?”

Kristina took it with a gentle squeeze and blushing cheeks. “I’d love nothing better.”

Hand in hand, the two pushed open the doors and walked through. They stopped just outside long enough to look at each other once again. They leaned in to one another, hand in hand.

One more kiss. No more theater, no pretense, no denial between them. The only things they had to share were their feelings and their lips. They kept going as the doors swung shut behind them and they set forth on the next part of their life.