Chapter 14: The Clumsy Mastermind

"Good morning, brave heroes", Claire greets us with a blindingly bright smile. "Today, we finally go to the demon lord hive!"

I yawn widely, uncaring of my image, and aggressively rub my heavy, tired eyes.

"Do we really have to go so early", I complain softly, leaning heavily against a nearby stone pillar.

Ishida completely ignores my entirely valid complaints and shamelessly flexes his thoroughly average muscles at the morning sun.

"I am always ready to defeat evil and radically expand my beautiful, heroic harem", Ishida declares proudly.

We leave the safety of the massive, opulent golden kingdom behind and begin the long, grueling walk toward the ominously dark, smoking volcanic mountains looming on the horizon. During the incredibly long, exhausting walk, I carefully open my small, leather-bound notebook to actively study the limited intelligence we have about the terrifying demon lord.

"According to the dusty tomes of the royal library, the demon lord is a terrifying creature of pure, unadulterated nightmare", I read aloud to the group. "They say the demonic ruler casually drinks boiling lava for breakfast and effortlessly crushes entire mountains with a single, devastating punch", I carefully explain to the increasingly nervous team.

Upon hearing this horrifying description, Amiya instantly drools at the delightful thought of being violently crushed by a mountain.

"Oh yes, please let the mighty demon lord repeatedly step on me with incredibly giant, heavily spiky boots", Amiya loudly begs the cloudy sky.

"The ancient historical records also explicitly say the demon lord is an absolute, unparalleled mastermind of evil strategy", Claire adds seriously, adjusting her grip on her weapon.

It is actually very funny because beneath our confident facades, we are all completely, secretly terrified of facing this ultimate, world-ending boss.

After days of traveling, we finally reach the massive, deeply terrifying obsidian gates of the dreaded demon lord hive. We aggressively kick the impossibly heavy iron doors open and courageously march right inside the dark, imposing throne room. We mentally and physically prepare ourselves to fight an awesome, god-like demon lord of absolute, unrelenting destruction.

However, as the dust settles, we quickly realize that the giant, jagged obsidian throne sitting at the end of the hall is completely, utterly empty.

Suddenly, a ridiculously loud, clumsy crashing sound echoes sharply from the shadowy back of the dark room.

"Ouch! My toe!" a very cute, incredibly high-pitched voice cries out in genuine pain.

We freeze entirely in absolute, mind-numbing confusion.

A surprisingly tall, slender figure clumsily stumbles out from behind a heavy velvet curtain and immediately trips over a small, slightly bunched-up red carpet. The supposedly terrifying, nightmarish ruler of darkness falls completely face-first onto the cold, unforgiving stone floor with a pathetic thud. Surprisingly, the legendary demon lord is actually a completely clumsy, unbelievably hot woman! She possesses incredibly long, breathtakingly beautiful hair that looks exactly like dancing, vibrant red and yellow fire.

She slowly sits up on the floor, gently rubbing her newly bruised forehead while adorably pouting exactly like a scolded child.

"I am so incredibly sorry for the massive mess", the demon lord apologizes nervously, avoiding our gaze. "I completely forgot to clean up today".

Ishida immediately drops his heavy, legendary sword onto the stone ground, ignoring the loud clatter. His carefully crafted, edgy dark hero persona completely and utterly disappears in one single, pathetic second. His wide eyes literally turn into massive, visibly throbbing pink hearts. He completely and instantaneously falls madly in love with the supreme, terrifying ruler of absolute evil.

"She is absolutely, undeniably perfect", Ishida whispers breathlessly, drooling slightly from the corner of his mouth.

Princess Claire and I just stand there, feeling incredibly, deeply annoyed by his entirely predictable, absolutely pathetic reaction.

"Are you entirely kidding me", I yell furiously, pointing a highly angry, accusatory finger directly at the clumsy woman sitting on the floor. "This crying girl is the legendary mastermind of evil?"

"She is just a spectacularly overgrown idiot", Claire sighs heavily, gripping her glowing holy lance tightly in frustration.

Ignoring our valid complaints, Ishida aggressively pushes us aside and confidently, smoothly walks right up to the flustered demon lord. He immediately tries to actively flirt with the dangerous demon lord using his absolute worst, most cringeworthy pickup lines.

"Hello, beautiful fiery angel", Ishida smirks charmingly, casually resting his hand against a nearby stone pillar. "Did it hurt terribly when you fell from the demon realm?"

The supreme demon lord slowly blinks her incredibly large, innocent, fiery eyes up at him in pure confusion.

"Actually, yes, it physically hurt a lot just now when I accidentally tripped", the demon lord answers completely seriously, entirely missing the romantic joke.

She quickly scrambles to stand up and politely dusts off her elaborate, dark royal dress.

"Are you the legendary brave heroes?" she asks politely, clasping her hands together. "Please sit down anywhere you like, I will eagerly brew some special dark tea for you".

The terrifying demon lord actively tries to please Ishida by happily offering him a small, porcelain plate full of slightly burned, misshapen chocolate chip cookies. Ishida happily takes a burnt cookie and eagerly eats it with a huge, thoroughly smitten grin.

"You are undeniably the most breathtakingly beautiful evil mastermind I have ever had the absolute pleasure of meeting", Ishida actively compliments her completely shamelessly.

"Thank you so incredibly much", the demonic ruler blushes deeply, nervously playing with a strand of her blazing fiery hair.

Princess Claire watches this entirely ridiculous, domestic scene unfold and absolutely, completely loses her holy patience.

"This is an absolute, unforgivable insult to the proud holy kingdom", Claire shouts angrily, her voice echoing through the hive.

She tightly grips her shining holy lance, recklessly charges forward, and furiously tries to fatally attack the smiling demon lord. Claire violently thrusts her brilliantly glowing, blessed spear directly at the unprotected chest of the fiery woman. The incredibly powerful, holy attack physically hits the demon lord perfectly on target.

However, absolutely nothing happens at all.

The legendary, armor-piercing holy lance simply, miraculously bounces right off the demon lord's skin exactly like a completely harmless, cheap plastic toy. The demon lord casually looks down at the sharp spear tip resting against her dress and slowly blinks in pure, innocent confusion.

"Oh, did you accidentally bump into me", the demon lord asks innocently, her voice filled with genuine concern. "Are you hurt anywhere, brave little knight?"

Princess Claire stands completely, utterly frozen, her jaw literally dropping to the stone floor in absolute, mind-shattering shock. The incredibly clumsy, airheaded demon lord is actually unbelievably, terrifyingly strong, and she does not even remotely know it herself.

I slowly open my small notebook and angrily write down my thoughts one more time. Conquering this entirely ridiculous, unpredictable world is officially the absolute most stressful, underpaid job in the entire universe.