Before I Could Refuse

The cafe was Daiki's idea, which was appropriate because it was the kind of idea that required someone who did not give people the option to decline. He decided it after school on a Tuesday. We were going to that new place near the station. I was also coming. 

He said it the way he said most things, with the tone of someone reporting a fact that has already been established rather than proposing something. So once more the fact remained that I was coming.

Aki and Rui were already at a table in the corner when we arrived. The place was small, warm, music from somewhere in the back that I did not recognize. But if I had to guess it was some kind of Rock? Yeah never mind.                                                                                                                                It smelled like coffee and something baked, sweet and slightly burned in a good way.

I looked at the menu for a bit longer than necessary. There were too many options and I had not decided what I wanted before walking in, which left me reading the same dishes over and over again.

Rui said the matcha latte without looking up from his phone, just a suggestion aimed in my direction. I ordered it without much thought. It seemed like the kind of decision where having someone else make it for you was actually fine. I guess.

The conversation moved around me more than it included me, which was more than enough. Aki talked about her favorite manga with the certain energy of someone who has been waiting for the right audience. She had strong opinions about the ending of the second arc and was not shy about them. Rui showed Daiki photos from his phone, swiping through them fast, and Daiki argued about a picture that Rui insisted was intentional and Daiki insisted was an accident. I mostly listened.

At some point Aki asked what I usually did after school.

"Go home mostly."

"Is it far?"

"Not really. Just not a place I like being."

She nodded. She did not press it, which I had started to recognize as a specific skill of hers. Knowing when not to push.

"Well, you have us now. You don't have to always go back alone."

I looked at my drink. I did not know what to say to that. I wanted to believe it. I was not sure yet whether wanting to was the same as being able to.

The matcha latte arrived and I took a sip and it was sweet and slightly bitter and it tasted like something that belonged to a different kind of afternoon than I was usually having. That is probably too much to say about a drink. But it is kinda accurate.

On the way out Rui said there was a karaoke place around the corner. Everyone looked at me when he suggested it.

I said okay before I had finished thinking about it.

Aki went first and was good in a way that was not surprising. Daiki did a rock song badly and loudly and with complete commitment to both, which was somehow enjoyable. Rui picked something slow and held it together better than anyone expected, and the room went quiet for it in a way that felt like respect.

Then they handed the mic to me.

I held it for a second. I thought about putting it down. I picked a song I half knew, something about getting through things, which was embarrassingly on the nose but was the only one I could reliably remember the words to. My voice cracked on the first line. I kept going. It was not a good performance. It was not the kind of thing anyone would replay. But I got to the end and the last note came out close to right and Aki clapped and Daiki gave a thumbs up and Rui raised his phone.

I told him to delete the photo. He did not delete the photo.

Outside Rui was scrolling through the pictures, showing Daiki. Daiki tried to get me to smile for another one. I tried. It probably looked wierd.

"Progress,"

he said, and seemed to mean it.

Aki walked next to me toward the bus stop. The street was quieter out here, the cafe noise already fading.

"You don't have to hide all the time,"

she said.

"It's not that easy."

"I know."

She did not say anything else about it. The bus came and we split toward different routes and I sat against the window and watched the city go by.

I mean I had gone to a cafe and then karaoke and survived both somehow. That is a low bar to clear. It was where I was. But I had gone, and I had stayed, and I did a bad karaoke performance in front of people and not try to disappear afterwards. That was something.

I kept the receipt from the cafe in my pocket. I am not sure why. I threw it away a few days later when I found it again, but for those few days I kept it.

Rui mentioned the school festival at some point in the week that followed. Something about a stand, needing people, good food. He said it casually in the way he said most things, like he was noting information rather than asking a question.

I said okay.

I was getting better at saying okay before I had time to talk myself out of it.