Regrets and New life

“Hold the line!”

“Don’t fall back!”

“Move! Move! keep firing at them!”

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

My ears rang.

I pressed my back against a rock, breathing hard. My hands were shaking. I tightened my grip on the rifle, but it didn’t help.

Everything was just too loud and too real for me.

“Left side! Watch the left—!”

I peeked and then…

Bang! Bang!

I immediately ducked my head avoiding that headshot.

My heart was beating so fast that it hurts.

This… this isn’t like before.

No voices of protests or signs it’s only the sound of the gun firing one from another.

Bang! Bang!

Screams.

“I’m hit!”

“Fck dieee!” firing randomly at the government soldiers.

“Kill them! kill them!”

My fingers felt cold as I looked at them.

“How did I end up here…?”

I used to stand on a road protesting.

“Justice! Justice!”

“Fight for what’s right!”

People looked at us and some believed in me and after that he talked to me.

“You’re strong,” he said.

“You just need a stronger way to fight.”

I listened to him and followed everything from going to the mountain and training but I didn’t notice my own mistake and regret.

“Lira!” My classmate called me.

I snapped back.

“W-what?”

“We have to move into the new position! they’re going to cover for us.”

“Y-Yeah!”

And so I heard some gunshots from us like they were covering us to make a run and we got up and run together.

Step! Step! Step!

My legs felt heavy while I was running.

Gunshots followed us.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

“Don’t stop! no matter what!”

“I’m trying—!”

I couldn’t breathe right.

Everything felt wrong from the start to here I should’ve just… I should’ve just… I should’ve—

Bang!

“Ah…”

Something hit me and my body stopped. My hand went to my neck and seeing my neck at that moment my eyes widened in fear.

“No…”

Blood.

“I…”

My voice didn’t come out.

Only a choking sound.

“Ghk…!”

I couldn’t breathe and I dropped.

Thud!

Lira!!!” my classmate shouted as he looked at me, tears in his eyes, hesitating to leave me.

With no choice, he turned away and left me alone.

I looked above me and the sky looked so bright.

“I…”

I couldn’t speak anymore as air wouldn’t come in.

I was wrong.

Then I heard the sound of boots of the soldiers approaching us.

Step! Step! Step!

They came closer.

One of them stopped in front of me.

I looked at him.

My eyes felt hot.

Tears went out in regret and fear.

Just blood gushing out to my lips while my lips are trembling in fear of reality.

I don’t want to die.

I was wrong in everything.

I didn’t understand anything.

I thought that fighting for the justice was everything.

He looked at me but he wasn’t angry and didn’t say anything.

I tried to move my hand and It barely lifted.

My vision darkened.

In my life I was never really happy. I always pursue for justice yet I didn’t pursue my own happiness.

Then everything went to black.

“Tomorrow another coding life again.”

“You don’t like coding in python?”

“Yeah and I’m not like you a genius, Mika.”

“Haha! I’m not a genius.”

“You keep saying that but you’re the first one who always finish the coding exercise.”

“I was just lucky.”

“Yeah, Yeah, let’s say you’re lucky but let me copy your source code next week monday.”

I heard these random voices of two girls talking.

“…Huh?”

And then I found myself staring at a girl with long hair and black eyes, wearing a simple white blouse and high-waisted jeans, with a light cardigan over her shoulders.

“What…?

“Uh… Mika?”

I froze.

Mika?

“Are you okay? You spaced out.”

“…Mika?”

“That’s your name,” she said.

“My name…”

Mika…?

“I… I have to go.”

“Huh? Wait—!”

I stood up fast and grabbed this aesthetic bag in front of me in the table because it seems like it belongs to me.

“I’m sorry! there’s emergency!”

I ran out and pushed the door open.”

Step! Step! Step!

I was shocked by the view in front of me.

I found myself in a wide place that seemed like a gathering hall full of students.

Some were wearing civilian clothes with blue lanyards on their school ID, which looked like college students.

Near them were younger-looking students wearing school uniforms with white, red, and blue colors. The university logo had the same colors on their shirts with red lanyard on their school ID probably senior high, and another group with grayish-white-red lanyards and uniforms with stronger red with blue, and white tones. They looked even younger, maybe high school students.

“Where…. Where… am I?”

I kept walking like I was following my own body, like instincts from someone else inside me.

Eventually, I arrived at another building. My mind said it was the admin building.

I didn’t think much.

I just pushed the door open and stepped inside. Then I made my way toward the bathroom and rushed in.

I stood in front of the mirror.

“What…?”

This isn’t me.

A brown short haired girl with glasses.

“…This isn’t me.”

I touched my face.

The reflection moved.

“I’m… someone else?”

Am I dreaming?

Is this even real?

I leaned closer.

“But…”

I looked at myself.

“I look… okay.”

Not that bad just different.

Click!

The door opened and I didn’t notice it.

“…Hey.” A voice of a boy.

I froze.

“Huh?”

“This is the men’s bathroom.”

Silence.

“What?”

I turned slowly.

A boy stood there with glasses and long haired like he didn’t get a haircut with a face mask he’s wearing now.

“…You walked into the wrong one,” he said.

“Ah…”

“Oh...” I said as I began to fully realize what happened to me.

“W-WHAT?!!! I’M SO SORRY!”

After I said that I covered my face and ran in embarassment.

Step! Step! Step!!!

I didn’t look back and didn’t stop. My heart was going crazy beating so fast.

“Why is this happening to me?!!”

The next day.

I sat in a classroom.

“Okay…”

I held my pen tight.

“This is just a normal college life.”

No guns, no war just a normal college life.

Earlier, when I arrived on campus, I looked at my schedule on my phone. It was already the third week of my first year.

My first class was Precalculus.

“I can do this… even I’m not an engineer student in my past life.”

“Excuse me.”

I snapped back to the present me who’s sitting in the chair and waiting for the professor.

That voice.

Slowly… I looked up.

“Oh…”

It was him.

The bathroom boy. The same boy I met yesterday.

Still wearing the same glasses and mask.

He pointed at the seat beside me.

“Is this taken?”

“N-No.”

“Okay.”

He sat down.

Just like that it felt like it was normal like yesterday didn’t happen.

My face felt hot again.

“This is bad…”

He looked at me.

“You’re the one from yesterday.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m really sorry though.”

“It’s okay.”

“I didn’t know that it’s—“

“I said it’s okay.”

“Okay…”

After that a few moment he seem to feel bad cutting me off earlier.

“My name is Ken.”

“M-Mika…”

“Nice to meet you, Mika.”

“Nice to meet you too.”

The professor walked in.

“Alright, class, let’s start.”

I looked at the board ready for the upcoming battle.

My grip on my pen slowly loosened.

Beside me, Ken opened his notebook. He’s just calm and quiet.

I glanced at him for a second then he looked back at me and after a few moment of stare down he looked back to his empty page of notebook in shy.

“This life…”

I looked back at the board and to the professor.

“Feels so strange and new.”

But not scary not like before its just… new.

Two hours and a half passed by.

“Alright, that’s it for today,” the professor said. “See you next week.”

My classmates began to put their notebook or their yellow pad back to their bag. Bags zipped and chairs scraped.

“It’s over…?”

I stared at my notebook.

Full of trigonometric identities and some practice problems that was solved by our professor.

Those step by step solutions from my notebook I understood them.

“I survived….”

A small smile formed on my lips.

“These memories…”

They were still there and guiding me.

“Thank you.” I whispered under my breath.

It felt right thanking to the previous owner of this body and so I began to packed my things slowly.

Today is Friday.

Next Precalculus class will be on wednesday.

One hour and a half before my next class.

Too much time.

I stood up and walked out from the classroom.

The hallway was noisy. There were some students laughing and talking and some of them from the other section also entered to our classroom for their class.

I walked without thinking.

Then I saw a long table near the wall. Chairs lined up beside it.

“…I’ll sit here…” I said seeing an available chair.

I sat down and I immediately took out my phone.

“Let me check.”

Scroll! Scroll! Scroll!

Then I saw that post again.

“No…”

A video with a long haired gir lying down from the soil with a blurred face on it. She was also wearing a tactical gear with a Ak47 beside her.

My chest tightened.

“That’s…”

Me.

Lira Sagabat.

“Three days ago…”

The title:

“A FOURTH YEAR COLLEGE STUDENT ALSO A TERRORIST WAS FOUND DEAD DURING THE MILITARY OPERATIONS at 3:30 AM.”

My fingers trembled before I clicked the comment section and then it flooded the screen.

“She deserves it.”

“Your parents tried their best for your education instead of finishing it you finished your life with nothing.”

“You deserved it.”

“Disgusting.”

“Good thing she’s dead.”

“Getting shawarma’d is crazy.”

My breath got shaky.

“Stop…”

But I kept scrolling.

“Her parents must be ashamed.”

“These activist students are crazy.”

“They think they’re heroes just by standing up and protesting then ended up dying in a forest.”

“I…”

My grip tightened on the phone.

“They’re not wrong…” I said. “It was my decision to follow them and I didn’t think about the consequences.”

My vision blurred.

“Even my parents… Would they hate me?

Of course they are after all I was a terrorist.

“I don’t understand them.”

A voice from the same man I met earlier. I froze for a few second and slowly... I looked up at him.

“Ken…”

He stood beside me.

Hands in his pockets.

Looking at my phone.

“…When did you get here?”

“Just now.”

He pulled a chair and sat beside me.

He leaned back slightly.

Still looking at the screen.

“You saw it?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“So what do you think?” I asked.

He didn’t answer immediately instead he just stared at the comment section before he spoke.

"I don’t understand them.”

“Them….?”

He tapped the table lightly.

“Why do they do that?”

“Because they—!“

“They protest,” he interrupted me. “They rebel and join groups like that.”

His tone wasn’t angry he was just confused.

“Why would they do that?”

I looked down. “Because they think it’s right…”

“Is it?”

I didn’t answer.

He leaned forward.

“Tell me more about your opinion.”

“They want to change this world and make this place—!”

“You can change this world without a gun and violence.”

“But still they think that…”

“Then they’re wrong.” His voice was calm and serious.

“Not everyone thinks the same, Ken...” I said looking at him.

“That’s the problem, Mika.”

He crossed his arms. “They think too much about this world and our country.”

“That’s not bad. We are the youth and the future of this country.”

“Sorry to break it up to you, Mika but it is bad when they forget themselves.”

I froze in shock. “What...?”

He looked at me so seriously than before.

“When was the last time they just lived?”

“Lived…?”

“Like normal students.”

He pointed at some students who are standing up and talking each other in the hallway.

“Look at them."

"...."

"Just food, upcoming subjects, when will be the next quiz or exam and that's college life.” He said. “Is that not enough, Mika?”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Maybe they want more—!”

“More what?”

“Justice…”

“At what cost?”

I stayed quiet.

He sighed softly. “Haa... I don’t get it.”

He leaned back again. “If I were them…” He paused, “I’d just enjoy."

“Enjoy?”

“Yeah, away from all the problems.”

He pointed at the hallway again.

“Long vacant time before the next class, no war, no guns and no dying and that’s already enough for me.”

I looked at him understanding everything he said.

“Ken…”

“I just want to live normally." He shrugged. “Wake up then go to class and after that complain about homework if there is one and then eat and sleep and after all of that I do it again and again."

“That sounds boring, Ken.”

“Exactly. That’s the point.”

I blinked. “W-what?”

“Boring means peaceful.”

I couldn't find anything to say.

“…In the end,” he continued, “someone always becomes a pawn in those kinds of things.”

My grip on my phone loosened.

“A pawn…”

“They think they’re doing it for their country and fighting what it is right but—!”

“But they’re not?” I cut him off.

“Yes, they’re being used... and I don’t want that.”

He looked away. “I want to choose my life.”

“Your own way…”

“Yeah... Even if it’s simple, boring or no one would notice me."

I stared at him deeply.

“That’s enough for you...?”

“Yeah...”

I looked down. My phone screen was still open and still showing those comments.

“Maybe…”

I slowly press the button and turned it off.

Click!

“That’s enough for me too…”

He glanced at me. “Good.”

A small smile formed on my lips. “Yeah…”

Silence again but this time it wasn't weird.

“What’s your next class?” he asked.

“I think… after two hours and a half.”

“Same.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “10:15.”

“Chemistry for engineers the lecture one?”

“Yeah.”

I blinked. “ Wow, Me too.”

“So are we in a same section?”

“I think so…”

He nodded again. “Looks like it then."

After that is silence again. I leaned back slightly.

“This life…”

I looked around seeing these students and talking each other and this sunlight.

“Feels different…”

“Good or bad?”

“Good…”

“Then keep living this life.”

I nodded with a warm smile. “Yeah…”

Two hours and a half passed by and Ken had already left earlier.

“I’ll go now,” he said. “I’ll wait near our classroom for chem lec.”

“Okay. See you later."

And just like that, he stood up and walked away.

Now I was walking down the hallway and room numbers passed by as I keep walking.

510…

512…

514…

Until there was a classroom with most of the students already there and some were leaning against the wall and some were sitting on the floor like Ken did.

Most of them are talking to each other and laughing like it's just normal for them.

"This is it…” I said to myself, preparing myself for another battle again.

With nothing to do and to ease my nervousness I walked closer to ken who was sitting near the door with a notebook on his lap.

“Hey…”

He looked up.

“Hey.”

“Will Ma'am Semana be late again?"

“I think so,"

“Do you always wait like this?"

"...." He only stared at me.

"I mean like in every subject do you always wait like this?"

"It's better than late."

“I see…”

Silence again but it wasn't awkward and so I sat beside him.

Students kept talking around us.

“Did you do the assignment?”

“Bro, did we really had an assignment?"

"Ah damn so you really played mobile legends while she's discussing! Damn man top 5 bravest students."

"Man she's boring as fck. No one would sit for two hours and a half to wait and listen for her."

"Yeah true, man. So wanna copy my answers while she's discussing?"

"Sure! You're such a lifesaver bro!"

"Haha! No problem, man."

Step! Step! Step!

Hearing that footsteps we looked into the left side way in the hallway and we saw ma'am Semana and quickly my classmates split into half making way for her to the door to open.

As she arrived in front of the door she use the key and opened the door.

“Alright, class. You can come in.”

Students entered and take a sit from their chosen sit.

I stood up too to go inside the classroom.

“Let’s go, Ken."

Ken nodded. “Yeah.”

We walked in.

The room was a bit cold and hot from the aircon just recently turned on.

From my view I saw the rows of chairs and some students are there and a whiteboard in front.

I took a seat and Ken sat beside me again.

"Same seat huh?" I said with a slight smile.

“Looks like it." He said nonchalantly as his eyes are back onto his notebook.

Ma'am Semana placed her laptop down and her red pen pouch.

“Good morning, class."

“Good morning, ma'am."

“Today, we’ll discuss Stoichiometry.”

She started writing on the board.

Elements, Plus then arrow direction to forward.

I stared at it, trying to understand it.

“Stoichiometry…”

All about balance and making sure that everything has to be… equal.

My pen moved, writing and copying it.

“Why does this feel familiar…?”

Not the subject but the idea.

From the word Balance. Cause and effect.

If one side changes then the other side needs to adjust.

“Justice…”

That one word slipped into my mind.

I froze.

“What was I fighting for…?”

My pen stopped.

The board blurred for a second.

“Was it really justice…?”

I remembered it. People staring at our voices that were shouting.

“Fight for what’s right!”

“Right…” I said to myself today.

Right for who?

Right how?

“If you add too much…”

Ma'am Semana's voice echoed.

“The reaction becomes unstable.”

I blinked.

“Unstable…”

Too much, too far and too extreme.

I clenched my pen slightly.

“I kept going…”

Protesting and attending meetings from partylist, groups and some debates.

“I didn’t stop…”

Even when things changed.

Even when it got worse.

“I chose that path… And It led me there."

The mountain, the gunfight, the violence and my blood spilling into my neck.

“Did I even know what I was fighting anymore…?”

Just silence after that inside my head just that question that struck into my mind.

“I thought I was right…”

I lowered my gaze.

“I thought I was helping this nation."

But...

“I just kept going and doing it like an unbalanced equation."

Too much on one side and nothing on the other.

“Hey.”

A soft voice.

I looked to my side.

“Ken…”

“You okay?”

“Yeah…”

“You stopped writing and muttering something."

“Did I?”

“Yeah.”

I looked at my notebook.

Half-written notes.

“Sorry…”

“It’s okay."

He looked at the board again.

“Just don’t fall behind.”

“I won’t…”

I forced a small smile.

Ma'am Semana kept talking.

Explaining and solving.

“Balance…”

That word stayed.

“In my past life…”

I leaned back slightly.

“I never had that.”

It was always about fighting, pushing what it seemed to be right and argummenting and last was about winning but I never think about...

To Stop and live my life.

Did I feel like a hero? Am I even a hero today?

Maybe. A little yes. A little of me back then standing there speaking and fighting wanting to be heard for my voice.

“But…”

My chest felt a little heavy.

“I never lived…”

No quiet days and no simple life.

Was it worth it?

I didn’t know.

But now looking around at them.

Students writing and listening. Some are bored and decided just to play games with their friends and Ken beside me who's calm and quiet.

“This…”

I looked at my notebook again.

“feels unreal.. but real."

My pen moved again and chose to write again.

Copying the solution from the whiteboard step by step.

Maybe I can start from here.

No fighting. Just learning and living a life that is worth it.

Beside me, Ken glanced at my notebook.

“You’re back.”

“Yeah…”

“Keep it up."

I nodded slightly. “Yeah…”

The board filled with equations.

Balanced, clean and complete.

“This time…”

I looked at it.

“I want my life to be like that."

Balanced on everything not too much or too far just enough.