Chapter 17 — A lonesome feeling

The morning sun hung high above them as it remained warm and unhurried while spilling light through the scattered trees like liquid gold. Its rays filtered down onto the clearing where the group had settled and turned dew into faint mist and shadows into soft shapes.

​Arin lay beneath one of the trees with his back pressed against the cool earth while the shade shielded his face from the sun. He stared upward through the leaves and watched them sway gently with the wind. They moved freely without purpose or urgency. For some reason that irritated him.

​A short distance away Byukoten stood speaking quietly with Hanase. Their voices were low and calm with nothing urgent or sharp about them. Neblaheim knelt near a small fire while methodically preparing breakfast as his movements remained steady and practiced. The scent of meat cooking drifted through the air and was rich and savory.

​It had been three days since their last fight. It had been three days since blood had soaked the ground. It had been three days since Arin had needed to be alert, sharp, and alive.

​They had decided to rest. That was what Byukoten had said.

​"Take breaks every once in a while. It feels better to not fight every once in a while."

​Arin exhaled slowly. He understood the words but he just didn't feel them. He wasn't injured, he wasn't exhausted, and he wasn't afraid. And yet boredom gnawed at him like a dull blade scraping against bone.

​He pushed himself upright and walked over to Neblaheim while watching him slice the meat into even pieces. Without asking Arin picked up a knife and tried to help by pressing the blade down awkwardly. The meat slipped beneath his grip. His cuts were uneven and messy. He tried again and again.

​Neblaheim glanced at the results and then calmly took the knife from Arin's hand.

​"You're forcing it," he said not unkindly. "Go help Hanase instead."

​Arin hesitated then he nodded. Hanase stood by the water's edge with a fishing line cast into the slow moving stream. The surface shimmered softly under the sun. Arin sat beside her and took another line then waited.

​Minutes passed and then more. The world was quiet and it was too quiet. There were no growls, no distant footsteps, and no threat lurking just beyond his senses. An hour slipped by. Arin caught nothing.

​His fingers tightened around the line. He stood abruptly with the motion being sharp compared to the stillness around him and walked away without a word. Byukoten noticed him approach before Arin spoke.

​"I tried," Arin said as frustration was seeping into his voice despite his effort to suppress it. "Helping. Fishing. Sitting around. I just… I feel uneasy when I stay still."

​Byukoten studied him for a moment with eyes that were unreadable. Then he nodded toward the distant path cutting through the forest.

​"Then watch," he said. "The people who deliver food and spices to the fighters. Learn how the world moves when there's no battle."

​Arin followed the direction with his gaze. He focused and observed.

​"They're about a day's travel from here," he said after a moment.

​"Good," Byukoten replied. "We'll continue after they arrive."

​Arin nodded once and walked away. Breakfast was ready soon after. Neblaheim called everyone over and they gathered around the fire. Plates were passed and food was eaten. Laughter surfaced which was quiet at first and then more freely. Hanase smiled as she spoke. Neblaheim relaxed with his shoulders easing as he ate. Even Byukoten chuckled at something trivial.

​Arin sat with them. He chewed, swallowed, and listened. Their voices sounded distant as if they were coming from somewhere far away. The warmth of the fire didn't reach him. The food had taste but no comfort. His face remained still and his eyes were empty like something vast and hollow stared back through them.

​He stood. "I'm going to sleep," he said flatly.

​They nodded while accepting it without question and they continued talking, laughing, and living. Arin lay down beneath the tree again. The sun had shifted slightly and light was brushing the edge of the shade. He closed his eyes but sleep didn't come.

​Their voices carried on around him. It was the sound of normalcy and of peace. Something pressed against his chest which was not pain or guilt. It was something quieter and wrong. He felt as though he had misplaced something important and something he should have held onto.

​The thought lingered. And then as he always did, Arin ignored it.