Bite me, dummy!

I screamed, pressing my face against the pillow. “He’s the worst. Horrible. Terrible. The worst!” It wasn’t the first time he had stood me up. Was it the third time this week? I can’t even tell. He had been mostly absent all month.

I had been telling him for days that this couldn’t go on, but what could I, a fervent vampire admirer, do when faced with that beautiful, pale face? A blond vampire – who knows how many years old – with the appearance of a hot young man.

The vampire who is supposed to be my “boyfriend” – if I can even call him that – drinks blood to survive. To my despair, not mine. He says he “loves me too much to commit such a crime.” Then, he tells me how good humans feel when bitten. Enough to make my hormones stir and my jealousy arise.

Bite me, you stupid vampire!

It’s fine. He can go eat dirt for all I care! This so-called boyfriend hadn’t shown up all week. Not a single sign of him. I don’t care if he’s already dead – he still must give me a sign. I know he’s not some UFO, to be leaving signs in my backyard, but still...

…This sugary cereal makes my imagination go wild.

It was a beautiful, sunny day, and I could hear noises coming from outside. A guy around my age was moving nimbly, carrying boxes into the neighboring house with a bright smile.

My new neighbor glanced through my kitchen window and waved. I was a mess: still in my pajamas, just out of bed, without even washing my face or brushing my hair. The moment I got up, I went straight to the kitchen and started eating the sugary cereal that I had left on the table, straight from the box.

He’s so different from that elusive vampire...

I waved back, the cereal box in hand. He seemed to think it was an invitation, because he came over to the open kitchen window. I’m not sure how he got that impression, as no one would invite their new neighbor over to share an already opened box of some sugary cereal at ten in the morning, on a sunny day.

I got up from my chair and signaled him to go to the door. I must have still been very sleepy or low in spirits, because I opened the door to a complete stranger, not even caring how I looked or how safe it was. I extended the box of cereal to him.

“Hi, my name is Theodore. I think it’s an ugly name, so call me Theo. We’ve just moved here,” Theo said as he put his hand inside the cereal box.
“Teddy,” I interrupted him. “I’ll call you Teddy,” I said with determination. Sometimes, I had trouble remembering people’s names, so I used nicknames that I would easily remember. Still, I was very brave to tell him that with such certainty. It must be the cereal.
“We’re new in the neighborhood,” Teddy said, as if it wasn’t the most obvious thing in the universe. Maybe I should have made some cynical remark, but who was I to say anything to that cute, golden retriever face?
“I’m Emily, you can call me Emi. Welcome to my very normal, very boring, but peaceful neighborhood.”
“But that’s good, isn’t it? A slightly boring, normal, peaceful life,”

Maybe Teddy had been through some stuff in life.

But can I say my life is truly boring? I have a vampire boyfriend, after all.

I was truly happy to finally have a vampire boyfriend. Since I was little, I have always loved them. I have read every book I could find – from the ones about vampires that can’t walk in the sun, to those that sparkle under it. There is nothing better than vampires. They are always handsome, charming, and intelligent. How wonderful! If only my vampire would be kind enough to bite me. But where is he? Is he ghosting me? Is this typical undead behavior?

“It’s a bit frantic right now, but after I finish the moving, can you show me the neighborhood?” Teddy asked as he took his last portion of cereal.
“Sure thing”. I was absolutely bored and on vacation. “Just be sure to say hi to my dad, he likes to know everyone but is a little bit shy”
“Then it’s a promise! I have to go back, see you tomorrow maybe!”

My neighbor went back to moving his stuff into his new home. He must be really strong, I thought. Not everyone can move a double-door fridge with an ice dispenser by themselves.

As I watched Teddy from the kitchen window, I realized how different he was from my boyfriend. Charles – that is his name, by the way – is blond, pale, blue-eyed. In contrast, Teddy has tanned skin, dark brown hair that sometimes looks reddish under the sun, and brown eyes. I’m not sure who is taller, but both are taller than me. Teddy does walk a little stooped, but maybe it’s because he seems to be used to carrying double-door fridges with ice dispensers.

I want one of those fridges. We’re in the middle of summer, it’s hot and I don’t have any ice. My ice tray has been missing for a month, and it’s a mystery where it is.

Maybe if the sun wasn’t so bright in the sky, Charles would come by more often, I thought. And as if called by my thoughts and longing, I felt a cold breeze behind my back. The kind that only a supernatural being could bring. That being said…

“What are you doing with that bucket filled with ice and my fan?” I asked, turning around to see Charles behind me.
“My lady! If you put an ice bucket behind the fan, it produces cold air!” He exclaimed.

Hah…Where did he get the ice? Should I be more disappointed? Is this how he decides to appear?

“I’ve been using this ‘magic gadget’ that you gave me as a present!” Charles said excitedly while showing me the old smartphone I gave him to help him keep up with modernity. “I’ve never seen so much information gathered in one place! I’ve been watching it in my mausoleum, since we last saw each other! Wonderful! Now I know how to change a light bulb, and I don’t even know what electricity is!”

With every word coming out of Charles’s beautiful mouth, I realized that maybe leaving a 500-ish-year-old vampire unsupervised with unlimited access to the internet was not the best choice. At least his shinning blue eyes were enough to make me forget that he had been gone all this time, but…

No, no, no. This vampire had the potential of an elderly person to be scammed by some sort of internet phishing scheme –some random old man talking about how his fake mini-cow farm was on the verge of bankruptcy, and Charles would definitely give him all his money. I wonder if he has any. He’s a vampire, so he should be rich, right?

I must get him away from that app.

“Hey Charles,” I said, extending my hand toward him. “I think you should put that phone aside and use your time on me. Your girlfriend!”
“What do you mean?” He asked, a little bit confused. “It’s been only a few hours since the last time we saw each other”.

“Huh?”
“Huh?”
To our surprise, Charles had apparently consumed a full week of shorts and videos – memes, home renovations, history channels–, and he hadn’t realized how much time had passed while scrolling on his phone.

“It’s been a week,” I declared.
“It-It’s not possible. I’m pretty sure that I would have noticed. There is a tiny ray of light that comes through the cracks of my mausoleum that disappears at night, so I know how much time has passed”

I’m sure that faint light doesn’t stand a chance against a phone blasting at full brightness.

“This cannot be. I would never be away from my muse Emiliana for such a long time! It’s something unthinkable!”

Personally, I didn’t like that he had changed my name like that, but what can I say? I’m weak when it comes to this pale guy.

“Are you listening to me?” Charles asked, while I was busy being completely lost in his beauty.
“No, sorry, what were you saying?” I answered, trying to get distracted again.
“Did you adopt a dog?”
“No, why?”
“It smells like one. It’s not a very strong scent, though”
“Maybe the new neighbors have one. A guy moved this morning. Though I don’t know how many people are moving in. What are you doing with that disinfectant spray? Where did you get it?”. I Asked Charles as he was using the spray to disinfect the room.
“From the cupboard under the sink, of course. But as I was saying, about the dog, it’s no really one…”

I looked at the bucket full of ice as I realized who the unknown thief was. He is indeed a delight to my eyes, but is it worth it if he takes away my stuff, more importantly, MY ICE, the only joy I can have in this hot summer?

“… So, you should be really careful…”
“My ice tray. Give it back.”
“But you must listen to me. I know you think your neighborhood is a safe…”
“My ice tray.”

Charles gave up trying to tell me whatever he was trying to say, almost in despair. He took my ice tray from one of his coat’s inner pockets. I took it out of his hands as fast as I could, filled it with water, and then put it in the freezer.

He seemed to be upset, pouting. I smiled and tried not to be upset since he was probably trying to help, and the ice and the fan were a good idea. It isn’t particularly hot at night, but I do tend to drink iced drinks even in winter. I feel somehow uneasy if I don’t.

“I’m sorry,” Charles said. “I didn’t mean to take the ice tray without your permission…”

At least he has the common sense to…

“…I take full responsibility for this oversight, and I understand that this caused an inconvenience or impact. To address this, I am taking specific actions to resolve the issue. In the future, I will take steps to prevent recurrence and ensure that this does not happen again. Thank you for your understanding. Sincerely, your Name”

I waited until he finished reading his apology. He seemed very proud of himself. Still in disbelief, I realized that not only had he stolen my dearest ice tray (Is actually a very common one. It came with the fridge), but he had used the phone I gave him to write an apology for him.

“Out!” I yelled at him. I had to process all the nonsense that had just happened.
“I’m sorry,” he cried as he was leaving. “The guy on Tiki Toki said this was the most efficient way! I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise!”

Is this the perfect supernatural boyfriend I have always dreamed of? I don’t know. I’m glad that he didn’t take my anger to heart. I had to get him out of the house before my father arrived. It definitely would not be fun if my dad arrived and saw this strangely beautiful guy in an old black cloak, alone with his only daughter.

Maybe I do like him. That apology was totally stupid. I look forward to seeing what he’ll do tomorrow.