Chapter 39: A Cold Night, A Warm Sin

Chapter 39: A Cold Night, A Warm Sin

✿———✦———✿

“Please... please don’t let this happen again... I don’t want to make a mistake and be cast aside like a minor character in a storybook.”

The following day, and for several days after, I found myself spending a great deal of time at Kazuaki’s house. We had all decided to take a week-long hiatus. Each of us had our own lives and families waiting—responsibilities that simply could not be ignored.

However, I knew Kazuaki was different. He had no one, accompanied only by Garen, his loyal Akita. Occasionally, either I or Chinatsu would visit him, but we were never at his house at the same time—and for some reason, it felt as if there were an unwritten schedule that kept our presence alternating. Perhaps it was better that way, as a confrontation with Chinatsu would surely have made the atmosphere stifling.

It was nearly the transition from autumn to winter. Tonight, the cold felt particularly biting. I had decided to meet some of my cousins at a family restaurant to enjoy some Yakiniku and a little sake, just to warm my body. Afterward, I intended to head straight home. But then, the thought of Kazuaki drifted into my mind—alone, with only Garen for company in the silence of his home.

So, after a warm and laughter-filled dinner with my cousins at the yakiniku restaurant, my body felt somewhat heavy, yet my heart could not stop gravitating back to him. For some reason, even though I was surrounded by family, my thoughts always anchored themselves to Kazuaki.

It was late, nearly eleven o’clock at night, when I arrived in front of his house. I stepped lightly, my legs slightly unsteady as I moved toward his door. As the night wind grew colder, I knocked. Kazuaki, with a bewildered expression, opened the door.

“What are you doing here so late, Yukifuyu? Have you been drinking?” he asked, his voice laced with concern.

I merely offered a small laugh. Was I truly drunk? I didn't know; perhaps a little, perhaps not. What was certain was that I felt lighter than usual. Without saying much, I walked right in and collapsed onto the sofa, pulling a small blanket over myself to ward off the chill. Kazuaki sighed, asking me to sleep in the bedroom while he took the sofa.

“You sleep in the room; I’ll sleep out here,” he said gently.

However, I don’t know what possessed me that night. I felt... different. My body acted as if it were beyond my control, moving on its own without me being able to stop it. I rose from the sofa and stepped toward him. Without a second thought, I pulled Kazuaki toward the bedroom. My breathing grew irregular, and before I realized it, I pushed him onto the bed. My hands, as if without permission from my reason, began to undo my buttons one by one.

Kazuaki looked startled, his eyes wide, but he immediately turned his head away, covering his face with his hand, not wanting to look. “Yukifuyu, stop. What are you doing?”

But I couldn't stop. The voice of my heart was screaming, but my body acted without regard. I reached for the buttons of his pajamas, and though he tried to resist, his hesitation and shock left him powerless. I moved closer, pulling him into an embrace, kissing his lips with a sudden, desperate passion, feeling how he trembled beneath a control he did not understand.

My kiss deepened, leaving him no room to think, let alone refuse. I didn't know what was happening to me; only one thing was clear that night—I had lost control of everything.

Time passed without my realization. Before the night truly vanished, Kazuaki and I lay beside each other. Exhausted, drifting into sleep within a silence that was heavy with burden.

As morning approached, soft sunlight slipped through the gaps in the curtains. I opened my eyes slowly, feeling the cold air touch my skin. However, something was strange. I wasn't wearing any clothes. Startled, I looked around, realizing I was in Kazuaki’s room.

Oh God, what have I done?

Carefully, I covered myself with the sheet and got out of bed. When I walked into the living room, I saw Kazuaki in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. His gaze was fixed straight ahead, not daring to look in my direction. He knew. He remembered. And he was likely just as ashamed as I was.

“Wear this.” He handed me some clothes without looking at me at all. I returned to the room and put on the clothes he had given me.

He called for me to sit at the dining table, and awkwardly, I complied. We spoke, but without exchanging glances, as if a vast chasm separated us despite being only a few steps apart. It felt like a nightmare I never thought would happen.

I bit my lip, suppressed the embarrassment flooding my mind. My hips felt a bit sore, making me even more acutely aware of what had happened last night. This was my first time, and I never imagined it would happen in such a way. My body trembled, and I could only blame myself.

Yukifuyu, you are truly a fool...

That morning felt incredibly heavy. After eating breakfast awkwardly with Kazuaki, I couldn't hold back the shame spreading through me. Every movement felt wrong; every word that left our mouths seemed hollow. There were no more warm jokes or light conversations like usual. Only a haunting silence remained, reminding us of the night before.

I took my leave of Kazuaki, using the excuse that I had to return home. In truth, I just wanted to get away for a while. Away from his hollow gaze, away from the guilt I couldn't avoid. But before going home, one thought plagued me... an emergency contraceptive pill. Something that could erase the possibility I feared.

With hurried steps, I headed to the nearest pharmacy. The atmosphere there was ordinary; people were going to and fro buying medicine and other medical needs. However, my heart pounded wildly as I approached the shelf displaying the pill I was looking for. My hand trembled as I reached for it, and suddenly...

“Yuki?” A very familiar voice called out to me.

I turned around, and there stood Chinatsu. My eyes widened, and without thinking, I immediately withdrew my hand from the shelf, pretending I was searching for something else.

“Hi, what are you doing here?” Chinatsu asked with her friendly smile.

I tried to smile back and answer as calmly as possible. “Oh, I... I’m just looking for some fever medicine.”

Chinatsu seemed to nod, her eyes momentarily falling toward my hip, which I was—without realizing it—rubbing gently. It was still sore, a vivid reminder of the night I was trying to forget. I only hoped she didn't notice or become suspicious.

“What’s wrong with your hip?” Chinatsu asked, furrowing her brow.

“Oh, this... ah, it’s nothing. Maybe just a bad sleeping position last night.” I tried to laugh nervously, though inside, I felt like screaming.

Chinatsu didn't seem to pay much attention to my explanation. “I’m here to buy high blood pressure medicine for my mother. You know how she is—she gets angry so quickly if I’m late coming home.”

I nodded, trying to stay composed, but my nervousness was peaking. If only she knew what I was actually looking for, I couldn't imagine how she would react. The thought made my stomach churn.

Shortly after, Chinatsu said goodbye and left the pharmacy. It felt as if a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I waited a few seconds, making sure she was truly gone, before finally grabbing the emergency contraceptive pill. My hands shook as I handed it to the cashier, feeling as though everyone around me knew exactly what I was doing.

After completing the payment, I rushed out of the pharmacy and returned home. My steps felt heavy, like treading through wet sand. Every step reminded me of the foolishness I had just committed. In my room, I immediately swallowed the pill, hoping my anxiety would subside a little.

But even after taking precautions, my heart was far from peaceful. What had I done? Kazuaki must feel so awkward now. We didn't even have a relationship yet, but I... I had gone too far. What if he felt disgusted by me? What if he started to distance himself? I couldn't imagine if he lost his respect for me, or worse, if he was truly repulsed.

I pulled the blanket up, closing myself off from the outside world, hiding from reality.

Why do I always make mistakes just when everything is starting to go well? Kazuaki and I were getting closer, but now, I had destroyed everything with my own hands. I was afraid. Afraid to ever meet him again.

Perhaps, for a while, I needed to stay away. Far from Kazuaki, and far from the shame that continued to gnaw at my soul.