3 - I don't deserve it

Every time I read in the library, I felt the girl, Noriko, as I heard her friend call her by the school gates, stealing glances at me. I would be a liar if I denied that her surveillance wasn’t the main driving force in finishing the book.

When I read the last word on the last page of the final chapter, I jumped out of my seat—not really knowing why.

Her eyes that occasionally, subtly darted my way were now unmistakably glued on me. I took it that she wanted me to share my thoughts.

“All done,” I told her as I walked over.

“Really?” Her eyes sparkled like before, piling on the pressure of what I should tell her.
I placed the book on the counter, flipped the cover in her direction and slid it closer to her. “All done.” I panicked.

She appeared amused regardless, “And? What did you think about it?”

Pupils can dilate based on emotion, I believe, but her eyes themselves seemed to have grown thrice the size.

“I had fun reading it.”

She got off her seat and leaned closer, “Really? I’m glad! So, who are you rooting for? Hm? Hmmm?”

It’s as if she turns into an entirely different person every time Camarilla Twelve is mentioned. Not that I mind, I even admire the passion. It unlocks the parts of me holding myself back.

“Anyone but Kron!”

As if we hadn’t been close enough to one another, she grabbed me by my tie and pulled me even closer. “Whaaaat? Why? Don’t you like Kron?” Her grip loosened, “…I was so sure you would.”

Defensively, I held my hands up, “It’s not like I don’t like him… It’s just a little complicated…”

She let go of my tie and melted into her chair. “How come?”

Here came the part I dreaded the most; sharing my feelings.

“The way he masks his trouble by acting like an idiot just… hits my home when it’s closed.”

“Hits home too close?”

I nodded, “Yeah, and every time something good happens to him, I feel really happy at first and then I feel some sense of guilt.”

Her face was painted full of pity, “Why would you feel guilty?”

“Because I feel like I don’t deserve it, but that’s just me inserting myself too much.”

Pity turned to gloom, “So you think you don’t deserve good things? That’s… sad.”

“Anyway, popularity doesn’t come easy, I need to act fast.”

Her gaze gave me the idea she didn’t agree with the topic switch, but either way, I didn’t want to let my feelings linger out in the open for another second.

I continued, “For starters, I became the class rep of class D.”

“You did? Way to go.”

With my chin held high, it’d surely seem like I adored the praise.

“Starting small is the way to go, right? No one in my class wanted to do it, so sacrificing myself is a noble thing, right?”

She nodded in agreement. “Oh, Suzumi-chan became our class rep. I believe it was mainly the boys who voted for her.”

A pause occurred, and I got lost in thought. After school, the first year class reps would gather for a meeting. Surely then I would see her again. Either the perfect opportunity for a grand act to remain in the picture, or—more my style—an actual apology and a new start. I don’t desire her forgiveness, for putting her on the spot as I made a fool out of myself, all I need is to show her what kind of guy I really am.

“…Everything alright?”

Brought back to reality, I apologized, “My bad, Noriko, just lost in thought.”

“Noriko?!” in a heartbeat, her slightly concerned face turned into a swirly eyed stare above bright red cheeks.

In the same tick of a second, a voice sounded from outside the library, “Pardon our intrusion.”

I reached for her hat without a second thought. After she was kind enough to be kind to me, I couldn’t let her suffer the same fate as I because of it. She couldn’t be seen sitting with me; I had to do something. Unfortunately, I failed to come up with a plan much better than this—

“Wha—”

—I pressed my finger on her lips, leaned but a fingertip away from her as I held her hat next to our faces on the door’s side.

“Eek! Sorry, sorry!”
“Are they…?”

The door got slammed shut.

Before I got the chance to apologise, she swept her hat out of my hands, pulled it firmly over her face and left the library.

That makes two people I owe an apology to.

* * *

My heart pounced all the way up in my throat when the final school bell rang. All class reps were gathering, which in and of itself was nerve-wracking enough, yet it’s what would be happening after that which broke my spirit; a conversation with Suzumi-chan.

When I noticed her from afar, my feet moved on their own to catch up to her.

Instead of thoughtlessly relying on the vague ideas on the cover of self-help books, the past week I had been desiring to have traits of fictional characters for myself.

Brave like Meliph, genuine like Lucie and caring… like Kron.

“Excuse me, Suzumi-chan.”

I’m certain her bewildered face matched mine. Although I surely did not pull it off in a majestic way.

“…Yes, Komiya-kun?”

She knows my name?

I was about to freak out until I remembered we had been in the same class for all three years of middle school.

“On the first day of school—”

She twitched.

“—I made a fool out of myself, and dragged you into it. I want to apologise, for putting you through that… and stuff.”

Even though my apology-execution was horrible, I expected it to be much worse, which scored me half a point on my own terms.

“I have also been wanting to apologise to you.”

One of my eyebrows rose up all on its own. “To me?”

She nodded, “You said, ‘I have something to tell you,’ and I assumed it was something small, but I should have read the room and chatted with you in a more… private setting.”

I instantly waved her apology off, “No, no, no. It’s my fault. It’s not like you could’ve seen that coming, right?”

In a cute manner, she brought her fist up as she chuckled. “I suppose that is true.”

We’re having a normal conversation!!

That realisation caused an unnatural pause. Suddenly overwhelmed by her gentle smile on her angelic face over which her bangs perfectly fell. Before I noticed the lack of conversation, her expression turned worrisome.

“Komiya-kun, is something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just noticed we were having such a natural conversation that I nearly forgot I’ve been embarrassingly crushing on you for like three years, hahaha…ha?”

Why? Why did I say that?

Things got awkward again, she turned, said, “I need to hurry to the meeting,” and fled the scene—towards a room I’m also headed to.

Current status: somehow, even worse.