not again

You don't always get to say goodbye to the people you know. Even friends. Sometimes they fade away. 

Sometimes it's abrupt.

I don't know which one is more painful. Often it takes longer for the realization to set in. 

People who dip in and out are easier. The barefoot girl was like that. Opposites don't attract. That doesn't make any sense. Unless it's a death instinct. 

We weren't opposites, we just had opposite parts missing. She was fine. She had a place to be she didn't want to be. I didn't have a place to be but I wanted to be there. As simple as that. How I look and how I feel. She knew the feeling. 

Stay with me. So I had to. You can't leave someone alone who says that. It's a cry. Me too. It's easy to get lost that way too. To lose yourself.

It's not as bad being lost when you know the way is somewhere. I am skipping some of the words, sorry. It's getting more difficult to hold it together. It's all pretty clear but there aren't words for it. There's not a font either. Cheating. Lazy.

It's just ???

It's just. (It just is and it is just.)

If I knew I attracted people who deceive and cheat me I wouldn’t be sick. I’m not sick. I’ve passed through disappointments and bad experiences. Those are not my words.

I don’t want to be sick. I don’t like thinking or talking about it.

We pay for everything we do whether we know what it is or not. 

Everything is going to be okay. It doesn't have to be and it might not be. But it will. 

That's enough. 

Tiki's house is not symbolic. A house doesn't disappear. Homes might. Stop. It's hard to talk about without being able to talk about Tiki's husband. 

Tiki's house is real. 

I was at the empty lot where Tiki's house is supposed to be, next to the neighbor's house on the street of the block I recognize.

But something was off. Tiki's street didn't want me to. Her neighbor's house didn't have the tulips in the flower bed. It didn't have a flower bed. 

I would know where Tiki's house is if I were there. In an obvious way and in another way. Just.

I had been coming from the landfill but that's where I belonged. I brought myself there.

I could bring myself to Tiki's. Even if it weren't Tiki's house. She was staying there just like me. 

Whatever.

So I had made a wrong turn somewhere. I could make my way back. I wanted to go backward. 

I knew that's how I would end up back where I started. 

And then they would get to me. I'm not going lost. I'm not getting lost.

It would take a lot longer to walk than it did when Tiki drove me out here. The landfill was on the way. The car crash was gone. I thought one of the piles looked taller. The cars belonged there now.

I lived beyond the landfill but I would look at it that way except for having been to Tiki's and seen it. 

I had a dream about her once. I didn't tell her about it. I wanted to but then time ran out. It had happened too long ago. I wasn't the same person anymore. But she probably was. 

I hadn't burned the house down after all. I should have. My apartment wasn't there anymore. It was. But it wasn't mine. Nothing was. 

I went back to the park because I had to. I could find the hand tool and finish what I started. Yes. Clear it up once and for all. Clean. 

Don't stop now. Give it to them. 

Each word matters. Even when they're not there. The ones that aren't there.

They were all there, by the statue. I wouldn't have much time after I showed up on the camera. I knew Floride was lying. I just didn't want to think about it. 

I should have run into her on my way back but I didn't. Maybe she hadn't been there. I don't know. 

A story is a promise. All empires end in destruction. Death is innately violent. A final, irrevocable rejection. Goodbye. God be with you. 

My empire of shit. The only thing that's mine. The tool felt good in my hand. It swung low and hard and through. 

It would do. I didn't have to. 

I closed my eyes. 

Kairos went first. It had been his fault. Don't stop now. Tell them who was next. Pick one. 

ReadyI'm was already dead. I would pay for that later whether or not it was me. Otherwise it would have no meaning. Just. 

Moe wasn't there, thankfully. I don't know who exactly was. I was. The camera would know. Hello.

All the others. Without mercy. So I can be free. As if. 

I don't remember opening my eyes. There I was again. Alone except for all the gawkers. Nobody cared whether I was okay this time. 

I looked at the camera to make sure it was in view. Know I did this. For you.

Die slow, this is mine now.

Please, the hospital. Like circling a drain. Again.