Rationalization 3

I’m not sure if I have the guts to go through with this for more loops. Knowing how thick in the head Kamishiro is, the only certainty is that going in the same direction of trying to get him to get together with Akamine would become increasingly more demanding.

I might’ve had the patience to do that before, in the previous round. But not anymore. I tried to forget about this, let things run their course. And while I didn’t really succeed at saving my grades or reputation, I was okay with putting everything behind.

Now I stand on the graduation ceremony once more. With the principal reciting the exact same speech as the last time; a testament to how I am not crazy, how I really did live through this before.

I tried to do better at school this time; concentrate on something that would be useful once I stopped going back in time. No reason not to do that early on. Sometimes I succeeded but most of the time I just ended up being frustrated.

I saw Kamishiro do his things. Akamine seemed so much softer than I anticipated. It almost made me forget what she’s capable of. I also confirmed that she arrives and leaves school in a pretty expensive car. And more than once I was almost caught sneaking close to her trying to see what was going on.

I took it on some of usual guys that Kazama would target. Because I didn’t want to let this opportunity go to waste. The girls that were swept to the side might not remember it. But if I mess up and I do something that makes Kamishiro stop focusing on Akamine… Damn it. I’m not even sure I did enough for him to do this right!

No. Thinking about it in a different way, am I not preparing to use this knowledge when I go back in time? Although I want to get this over with, it still feels like anything I do will be useful ‘next time’ instead of ‘for the future’.

This round has been nothing but one annoyance after the other. As if Kamishiro trying to play the hero wasn’t enough, now I have developed an almost obsessive need to make sure that things are indeed going as planned.

I walk out of the gym as soon as the event concluded, amidst applauses, cheers, and heartfelt hugs. This event won’t mean anything to me unless I can ensure that I never go through it again and will mean even less if I do. So nothing I could gather from it outweighed the ability to position myself strategically to see where Kamishiro ends up. I’d rather make sure myself, if at all possible.

“Hey, Saruya! Wait up, man!” Hmmm? It seems like some of the guys followed me outside. Why?

“What is it?”

“What are we doing now? School is finally over!” One of them says with surprising pride in himself.

“Yeah. I mean, my pops is gonna make me look for a job as soon as we get home.” Another guy added. “So let’s have fun while we can!”

I look at them and at the others that start adding their opinion. Why? I did not ask. In fact, I left alone because I need this time for myself. Why did they follow me to begin with?

“Nothing.” I state dryly. “We’re done. Do whatever you want. Just go away.”

“C’mon, man! How many times do you get to graduate?!” One of the guys taps me on the shoulder. I really, really need to see this.

I seriously don’t want to go through this again.

“Did I freaking stutter?” I push back, harder than he did. The guys fall silent. “Get lost!”

Sheepishly, they do as I say. Their disapproval is evident but they don’t say much more. A couple of them at least say goodbye before following the first that left.

I almost stop to think about it. Almost. I see Kamishiro even through the people that have started leaving the premises. He’s being hugged by a girl in casual clothes, someone that is not going to school or working.

Reine-chan of the sports club.

“…” That’s… She came to see him graduate? Shouldn’t she be graduating too, no matter where she ended up?

I see the streamer girl, also without any school uniform, meekly congratulating Kamishiro. His childhood friend is there too, I think. I can’t… I don’t know what to say.

No. I do know what to say, or what to ask.

Where is Akamine?

I wait for a bit. It seems like this group is still relatively close, so Kamishiro doesn’t leave. The wait goes on for longer than I expected. They’re catching up, probably because they don’t see each other as often as they would like.

It would have been impossible for me to stop Kamishiro from looking for the girls each time he left school. That is simply out of the question. I thought that this would be the simplest way to stop Akamine from harming them, and Kamishiro from having time for anyone but Akamine. But I was obviously wrong.

I know what the actual solution is, but I don’t know if I have the guts to go through.

Something changes. I don’t know what, but the crowd shifts a little. They give this group of people a bit more space. So I can finally see what’s happening.

One of the girls is bowing, flustering Kamishiro beyond belief.

It almost catches me by surprise, but then another girl bows down. Then another.

Finally, Akamine appears. Rushing through the crowd since she ran late. Probably because of being involved with the logistics of the school event.

I almost pass out when I see her witness this, seeing all the competition that should’ve been out of the race beating her to the punch. But she takes it rather well.

She confesses.

I’m astonished. I never knew that the things that happen in anime can happen in real life. But I guess that there are always exceptions that prove the rule. It’s almost… Refreshing. It calms my heart to see that, while these girls are obviously not having a great time, they can still believe in something more. At least in the hope that their feelings will be returned.

Kamishiro was there for them even in their worst moments, after all. I guess that makes sense.

I go back home. I can accept defeat now; it doesn’t matter. No tricks will help me against the bullheaded pureness of an idiot’s heart.

I go back in time that same night.

…

I…

… … …

I… I am not… I am not going to…

I am not going to lose it…!