What Thou Wilt

“Hey Angie, you there?”

“Yeah I'm here, what's wrong?”

“Nothing's wrong. It's just you've been quiet lately and I wanted to talk to somebody.”

“How nice for you. Talk to your friends, I’m going back to sleep.”

Angie “hung up” on me.

That was two days ago and I couldn't stop thinking of the irony of not being able to reach the alter ego I used to fear.

I sighed deeply and continued my afternoon cardio run on the training level. I was starting to get into pretty good shape.

I wanted to talk to her. To come to terms with what Rook told me two weeks ago. It was too painful to even think about.

All my life I wanted more than anything to meet my birth parents. Turns out they were in a death cult.

He explained that during the raid all the cult members started killing themselves. But when the mind control was broken, Rook found my mother who just tried to kill her unborn child by stabbing her stomach with a knife.

He added in the unnecessary detail that he shot her in the head. I can’t stop hating him for killing my mother… and saving my life.

It was all so terrible. I regretted asking for the truth. It made me miserable.

››››››››››››››››››››››››››› / △ \ ‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹

The next day I felt even worse. I went back to the fifth floor to blow off some steam. I thought about the mission from Sheila and Rook I had signed up for which had become an afterthought to me.

It wasn’t like I was doing anything super interesting. After I win the kanon assessments I will be summoned by the Director for a reward. My role was to place a special wiretap somewhere in the Director’s office.

I should be excited. I dreamed of being a detective or spy just like in my books. This was the adventure to slay the dragon I fantasized about yet… I wasn’t happy.

I was getting a multitude of new friends. My roommates warmed up to me. I had quickly become the most popular girl in school but still… I wasn’t happy.

The bigger the crowd, the more alone I felt. Was I broken?

It bothered me that Angie wouldn’t talk to me. She wouldn’t go beyond asking if I was okay and then “hang up.”

I knew from our reconciliation she had been alone inside me all her life. I thought she would want me to give her attention, but she wouldn’t hold a conversation no matter how hard I tried!

My hamstrings started twitching as I picked up my jog to a faster pace. Why won’t she talk to me? I thought we understood each other.

My stride turned from a run to a dash.

I forced air into my cramped lungs as I sprint as hard as my legs could move.

I don’t want to be alone. She’s the one being selfish!

My legs gave out and I tripped over my feet. My body went airborne and I could see the indoor track get closer and closer—

I welcomed it…

If I let myself go face first she’ll be forced to step in, I thought to myself. Instead I tasted rubber and rolled half a dozen times before coming to a stop.

My nose was bleeding and my forehead throbbed: but it didn’t hurt.

For a while, I lay on my back and watched the cloud mural on the ceiling like it was real.

In my head the clouds were moving and swishing. It reminded me of something else.

The sea, it wasn’t really the sky I earned for, it was the deep blue place I had found—or more accurately, the place I had re-remembered.

I can’t wait any longer. I need to know…

I was the last person on the training level. Everyone else had gone back to the dorms to study for the end of the year assessments this weekend. Perfect.

I marched straight into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess. My face was drenched in blood and sweat from my tumble and my hair was a tangled bush.

“Angie, I need to talk to you, please come out.”

The mirror changed to reflect Angie’s clone of me. I used to think she was an evil dopplerganger but now—seeing her was such a relief!

“You look awful. Have you tried not falling on your face?”

“No thanks to you, how come you didn’t step in? You always used to do that whenever I was in danger.”

“That was then when you were a child. You're a different person now. You still don’t get it?”

”No! Get what?”

”….”

No response. Tch!

“Whatever. But at least let me know why you’re avoiding me all of a sudden. I’ve been trying to talk to you for the past two weeks and you ignore me.”

“You want people to see you talking to yourself and think yer some kind of schizo?

“I don’t care what other people think!”

“Sweet, it’s good to see you’ve come so far. That was all you used to think about back then. But I’ve been trying to get across that you don’t need me anymore.”

“What are you talking about? I thought we were going to be a team, you and me… we were going to take on the world right?”

“I'm happy to hear you say that. I really am. But you need to focus on yourself now. You don’t need me anymore to protect you. You have my memories AND my mastery of kanon.”

”Wait, I want to know…”

“I’ll be there when you need me to light your darkest hour.”

“Wait, Angie! Don’t go!”

”Goodbye.”

With that she left.

I did something that even surprised me—

I punched the mirror. Cracks raced across and shards flew down around the sink.

Disgusted, frustrated, and angry enough to cry, I turned away to head to the showers but I thought I heard something.

Was that—laughter?

Was Angie laughing at me?

Or was it something else I was imagining?

››››››››››››››››››››››››››› / △ \ ‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹‹

The academic and athletic assessments came and went. Before I came here I always got nervous before a test, even if the test was going to be easy.

But I wasn’t nervous. In fact I wasn’t thinking about the kanon match or the wiretap mission. All I could think about was the ache in my stomach and the knot in the back of my throat.

I was hanging out with Lyla at the library when she noticed that I wasn’t really “there.”

”So, you nervous for your…” She looked around and leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Secret mission?”

I smiled weakly, “Yeah I guess it’s not a big deal or anything.”

She looked at me, I could see a slight worry and suspicion in her eyes.

“You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m your best friend right?”

She gave a cute wink. I smiled back, “Thanks bestie. It’s complicated…”

”A maiden’s heart is a finicky thing!” She said with theatrical flair.

“I don’t know, it's just that… I should be happy. I found peace with Angie, I learned the awesome power of kanon, I made a ton of new friends. Rook said I could even go home after the mission.”

I didn’t understand it all. I thought I had found it, I had finally discovered what love and loving others meant. My heart was full of love and a fire.

“But now I feel burned out, and I don’t even know the reason. Pretty pathetic huh?”

Lyla got up and came around, she hugged and embraced me from behind.

“Humans sure are interesting.” She said as she stroked my hair. “If anything, this just means you got your short term wants but are still lacking your body needs.”

I felt her lean closer and spoke inches away from my ear in a calming voice.

”For the first time in your life you’ve gained power. You’ve awakened your true self. The scared little girl you used to be is gone now. This is something to celebrate Angel not be sad over. Change happens all the time; it's what we’re supposed to do.”

Lyla’s calming kanon energy swallowed me up.

Yes she’s probably right, I was just overthinking this whole thing. I just needed to get over myself, right?

“Tomorrow is going to be so interesting. I’ll be cheering you on—my favorite Angel.”

She let go and looked straight into my eyes. I was mesmerized: her beautiful amber eyes sparkled like rubies.

“Be sure to loosen up and go wild out there!” She gave me a playful pinch on the cheek.

“After all, the most important thing in life is having fun.”