Is Love a Battlefield?

Why was it every time Kyle lost consciousness, he ended up not wearing pants?

He knew the answer but that didn’t make him stop wondering why anyway.

Meredith continued messing with whatever she was looking at on the far side of the room, her back remaining to Kyle. Whatever it was, he couldn’t see. Only the table he was lying on had any lighting.

“You’re lucky I’ve seen this kind of thing before.” Meredith continued shuffling about. “Honestly, I’m shocked Abagail didn’t warn you about this earlier. Or that you haven’t fallen unconscious from magic overuse before this.”

He had. Quite a few times. Abagail had warned him about it, too. But this seemed like a poor time to own up to it.

“Right. Leave it to the genius to provide a proper magical education.” Kyle saw a light shine at the end of a wand across the room for a second held by a blue hand. But the light faded as quickly as it appeared and darted to the magic crystals surrounding him. They began to shine a dull light; he started feeling a bit of a second wind coming on. “Magicians can’t cast powerful spells any easier than a warrior hefts a heavy blade. If you try and do it without proper training, you won’t last long. You’ll exhaust yourself. With how low your mana levels are, it looks like you’ve been running yourself ragged.”

Kyle heard the sound of a liquid being poured.

“Most magicians have mana potions or restoratives on hand for when it’s time for heavy duty work. Otherwise, even the most seasoned magic user would knock themselves out.”

That lined up with his experiences. Using the magic that goddess gave him either tired him out or knocked him out cold. Even that sniper wand he’d invented drained him fast. He’d had to reinvent the idea of ammo cartridges to store extra magic so he could get more than a few shots off.

Meredith finally turned around and walked towards Kyle. She had a flask of blue liquid swirling around in her hand. “This genius is ordering you to take it easy for a week. Plenty of bedrest and no casting magic of any kind. This stuff’ll help pick you right up.”

It was once she finally stepped close to the table that Kyle saw what Meredith was wearing. A nurse’s outfit that would’ve been right at home at an adult Halloween party. The uniform barely covered her chest and midriff, exposing her shoulders. Instead of pants, there was a little matching skirt that left little to the imagination.

Kyle’s eyes bugged out. “W-W-What the?! How did you come up with THAT?!”

Meredith looked down and chuckled. “I’ll be honest. I didn’t. You’re seeing a magical projection on my body. If I’m wearing anything, it’s your mind filling in the blanks.”

“Wait, so you’re –”

“Naked?” Meredith finished his question. “Oh yes. I don’t put anything on while I’m down here. Now open wide and take your medicine.”

Kyle watched as Meredith raised her flask and poured some of its contents into her mouth. Then she stared to lean in, puckering her lips…

Only for a blob of water with two big blue eyes to get in the way.

“Blooby?” Kyle was surprised. Blooby was a water spirit that Meredith had apparently gifted Abagail. The two were nearly inseparable. But if Blooby had come down here, wouldn’t that mean…

A jet of fire lurched across the room and smashed into Meredith, sending her crashing into the collection of knick-knacks and doodads littering the room.

Abagail stood at the bottom of the stairs, wand at the ready. “It’s come to this, then.”

Meredith spat out some of the blue liquid she’d poured into her mouth, some drops still running down her chin. “I was just helping Kyle with some mana exhaustion.”

“Oh please. I should’ve known it’d be you who’d make the first move.” Abagail flicked her wand and sent Meredith flying into another wall. “You always pulled this with anyone I brought home!”

Suddenly, Abagail floated into the air. Her legs and everything from the hips down were now firmly planted in the ceiling, her body slowly rotating around.

Meredith was back on her feet in that revealing nurse’s outfit, her own wand stirring in the air. “You wanna relitigate water under the bridge? Fine. I’ll show you you’ve still got a lot to learn.”

Kyle rolled off the table and fell face first onto the floor. He crawled towards the stairs underneath the dueling women and slowly worked his way up. Whatever second wind he had was rapidly starting to fade.

He made it halfway up before a large explosion erupted from below. Kyle wasn’t sure who caused it. Only that his pantless body was flung up the stairs, back into his house, and firmly pressed against the front door.

Kyle slowly slid down the wooden door and back onto the floor, spread eagled.

This was his life now. He was going to be trapped in an endless storm of comedy shenanigans about his lack of love life. All he needed was to have his personality and intelligence stripped from him like peeling paint from a wall and he’d fit right in.

“Sir Kyle? Are you well?”

Kari’s head peeked over into Kyle’s view.

“Yeah,” he groaned. “Can you get me some pants? I need to step outside.” Kyle felt his legs be lifted in short order and a pair of brown trousers be slid on. They halted only for a moment at his thighs. “Something wrong?”

“N-No!”

Those pants quickly went up to his hips. Kyle carefully worked his way back onto his feet. He rubbed his face in a vain attempt to clear away a burgeoning headache. “…Kari? You’re bleeding.”

A stream of blood had poured down from her nose. Kari quickly produced a staff out of nothing and tapped it to her nose, the blood vanishing in moments. “N-Not a problem, Sir Kyle. Shall I accompany you outside?”

He never had a chance to say that she didn’t have to. Her arm snaked around his by the elbow and the two set off outside.

Kyle didn’t recall Kari ever being this bold before. But he also didn’t have a lot of experience with elves in this world. But she was the least aggressive of the four women. Surely, he could count on her to let him rest. Surely.

“Sir Kyle, I wanted to thank you for your hospitality since my arrival. Even if I had to share your home with others,” said Kari.

Kyle finally exhaled. Good. She was just being kind. “You’re welcome. I know it’s not what you’re used to. Frankly, not what I’m used to either.” One of the joys that come with having magicians make your house bigger on the inside. “But I’m glad to hear it’s working out while you find a way home.”

Kari blinked. “Find a way home?”

“Yeah.” Kyle shrugged. “You’re an elvish princess from across the seas. You’ve got family waiting for you.”

That darkened Kari’s face. “Sir Kyle, I am the youngest of eleven children in my family. My prospects were so limited that the engagement offer from Prince Demerius was my only option. If I were to go back across the sea, I would not expect a warm welcome.”

“Oh! Oh, well, I guess that’s not going to work.” Kyle wasn’t an expert on nobility, but he was an expert on how to be enough of a disappointment to your parents that crashing in their basement’s not an option.

Kari blushed and leaned in. “Sir Kyle, I –” She trailed off.

Kyle kept moving forward. Weird place to end a sentence. Actually, why had Kari let him go?

He turned around and saw Kari lifted into the air by a pair of red hands hoisting her up by her arms. “You unhand me this instant, you mountainous hooligan!”

Said owner of those red hands spun Kari around and looked her dead in the eye. “No. Go reenact your lady novels some other time.” Then in a fluid motion she slung Kyle over her shoulder.

“Hey!” Kyle winced. “Don’t I get a say in this?”

“Nope.”