Chapter 3

I didn’t dream that night; only Aina’s and Alexander’s voices followed me, out of reach every time I turned.

It was still dark when I opened my eyes. I lay there, watching the dim ceiling above me. It was in these moments, between sleep and wakefulness, that I felt their absence the most acutely. It clenched my chest, clamping down where their hands should have rested until my breath hitched in my chest.

I pulled the duvet to the side and stumbled out of bed when I could no longer draw another breath. The world turned, and I took hold of the chair next to the bed to steady myself. I stared at the apartment in a haze. It suddenly felt so foreign, as if I hadn’t spent months on end here. For a moment, I imagined it had all been a lie, and they were sitting in the kitchen, waiting for me. It was the awakening of the city that pulled me back as I heard a drunken brawl somewhere in the distance. No, they were no longer here.

I found my uniform hanging on the door. My hands trembled as I put it on, and its texture felt so familiar, yet the fingers that buttoned it up seemed to belong to someone else. The suitcase was still lying in the corner where I’d left it yesterday. My body seemed to move of its own accord, kneeling down next to it to pack. It knew every movement, mechanically moving the objects I remembered from another life.

It should have come as no surprise. It was not the first time that leaving that capital forced my mind into a state of disarray. It seemed to remind me of what never became. I should be with Alexander and Aina now, spending our time in the countryside, where we could live our lives in the open. Instead, I was packing for another journey in a capital I had once called my home.

I must have closed the door and made my way down to the stairs, but it was only as I stood on the cobbled street that I realised what I had done. The gaslights were slowly losing their glare with the rising sun, and I felt my feet take the familiar road to the station. I must have arrived, because the next thing I remembered was standing on the platform.

I forced myself to inhale the morning air. This would pass, and my mind would find its bearing once more. When the whistle of the train could be heard in the distance, I felt my hand reach for my suitcase. I turned when something suddenly tugged on my sleeve. I paused. An elderly lady was standing behind me, clasping my uniform. She watched me in silence, her eyes filling with tears. I should say something, but my mouth refused to move, and we were left staring at each other. After a while, she smiled and let go, and I saw her hobbling down the platform. She was gone by the time the train arrived.

I boarded, and my mind must have had a moment of clarity because it found its way to the compartment, and I settled in. I could only hope that it would let up in time and I would be able to spend my time working on the documents I knew I had to prepare.

The landscape began to shift as the train left the platform, and the cityscape gave way to ravaged countryside, still bearing signs of the war. Where would we have lived? Alexander had wanted to stay by the sea, but Aina had wanted to live by the mountains. I would have been happy as long as they were both by my side. There was a knock on the door, and I turned to see a soldier standing outside. He saluted as he stepped inside, fiddling with something in his hands before handing it to me.

“For you, Mayor Larisse.”

He left without another word, and I was left with a tattered letter in my hand. I turned it over. It had scratched-out addresses, pointing out all the places I’d been, and it’d missed me. It was first stamped several months ago, but it didn’t have an official military or governmental sigil. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d received a private letter. I was about to open it when the door opened again.

“Oh, there you are."

I looked up. Mayor Charles was standing in the doorway.

“I missed you on the platform. I had hoped to see you before we arrived."

He stepped inside and sat down on the seat opposite me. I tried to gather my thoughts, but he turned to gaze out the window before I could say something. I’d rarely seen him since the war ended. He’d been one of Alexander’s closest allies, a former commoner who had climbed the ranks. When I thought he’d completely forgotten about me, he turned to me.

“So, how are you…”

He paused and then instead said,

“Will you be going to the Children’s Hospital?”

I nodded.

“I’ve been asked to join as well.”

“I’m glad."

He fiddled with his sleeve, seemingly wondering if he should ask what he’d planned, but decided against it and got up.

“Well… That would be it then."

He saluted and left. I looked at the letter in my hand, but the whistle blew for my stop. I pocketed it and took my suitcase.

My mind seemed to temporarily find its bearings as I walked to the front of the station. Maybe it was the daylight, maybe it was the realisation of the futility of wishing for something that would never come to pass. In any way, by the time I exited the station, I could clearly see the driver waiting for me by the street. He saluted as he saw me and took my suitcase.

I remember arriving at the fort and the general greeting me, informing me that a car would be waiting for me tomorrow to take me to the hospital. We spent the rest of the afternoon walking around the premises, and it was only in the evening, when I sat on my bed, that I remembered the letter I’d been given earlier.

I took it out of my pocket and looked at it. Who would have sent me a personal letter? I opened it. I didn’t understand it at first, and I had to read it a second time. How…? She…was alive… Aina was alive.