Fruitless journey Pt 1: Madness of solitude

Two days in, my memories began to feel dream like, blurry and distant.

I’ve recently started thinking about the cave. It feels so wrong to run from it, but I know I have no choice. I recall barely making it far before collapsing, grief sitting on my chest like dead weight. Thankfully, it doesn't hurt as much today.

I'm making progress. Slow, but rewarding.

I frequently thought of going back. Once I felt that way, I’d stop and picture his paw against my back, urging me to carry on. It's comforting to think he’s still here. It hurts knowing he's not.

Recently I've been seeing so many strange creatures. The likes of which would seem out of place, even in my wildest dreams. The Gunja never wandered this far into the forest. I always thought it was to keep me close, to protect me. Now I wonder if even he had reasons to be afraid of what lives farther in.

Another thing that bothers me is the trees. They looked almost nonsensical; trunks the width of small houses, roots erupting from the earth and winding through each other like enormous static snakes. Nothing about this place feels natural. Sometimes it feels less like a forest and more like a different world entirely.

It wasn’t just the trees; the canopy above was so obnoxiously dense.

Barely any light managed to reach the forest floor. Because of this, both day and night blended seamlessly, making it hard to get regular sleep.

I decided to end the day with fishing; hunting oku would be far too draining. I pulled out my knife and ran my thumb along the edge; the stone was getting chipped.

I spent a few hours searching for a river; the path only seemed to get thicker as time goes on.

These damn vines!

Cutting them down is exhausting. I pause to catch my breath and look at my blade once more, wondering which of us would break first.

"Just a day or two more," I tell it quietly.

"I'll find my way out soon."

Barely into my third day, I felt a bit off.

No… I knew something was completely wrong.

At first I was a bit sceptical, but the doubts began to gather slowly.

Surviving in the forest meant never getting lost; I did that by adding landmarks as I moved. Just as I thought I had trekked a good distance, one of those very landmarks had found its way back to me.

A tree trunk, split almost perfectly down the middle, most of its bark scraped away. I at first thought it was a similar trunk, but it felt too familiar.

To know for sure, I checked for the mark I left yesterday. Heart racing, I moved closer and kicked aside the pile of leaves covering its exposed base.

There it was: a deeply engraved X, the same one I had carved just two days prior.

No way.

I definitely passed by this tree.

Not one like it — this exact same tree.

My chest tightened. I glanced around at the surrounding trees, identical to how they looked the first time I passed through here. Nothing had changed.

Every tree, every rock, it all looked the same.

a cold sweat slowly fell down the side of my face. It gently followed my now sinking hope of ever escaping this forest.

No…

that's… that's not possible. Right?

Yeah, it can’t be.

Honestly, what was I even thinking just then?

I shook my head and pressed on. Succumbing to panic meant death. After all, I was probably just tired.

I turned back to look at the tree one last time, hoping that this would be the last time I would ever see that wretched thing.

So far, day four yielded no incident.

Most of the day was spent slashing through vines. The sound of my blade echoed constantly within the undergrowth. Forest creatures chirped and whistled around me, mocking my struggle.

I craved rest, the work was far too exhausting.

I perched myself on an exposed tree root to catch my breath. Just as I was slipping into a daze, a sudden call woke me.

"Akoni."

I immediately froze.

My heart began hammering against my chest, my mind began to race with thoughts of anxiousness.

That voice… I could never mistake it.

That softness, that gentle warmth that had once comforted me in my worst moments. Even after so long, I recognised it immediately.

That voice was my mother’s.

"Mama?" I meekly call back.

I turned, eyes already watering.

I patiently waited for her to step out from behind a tree, from behind a rock, from anywhere.

I waited longer than I should have, listening to nothing but the forest breathing around me.

I eventually swallow the lump in my throat, and continue on with my journey. It must have just been the wind, I must have just gotten really tired.

I pause for a second, the doubt in my heart locking my feet in place. I turn back one last time, but she never emerges.

What am I even doing?

I feel like such a fool.

It was now night-time.

After hearing that strange voice, I couldn’t stay focused anymore. I decided to promptly end my day with a little rest. I found a fallen tree and crawled into the hollow; it wasn't the best shelter, but it should keep my scent hidden from predators.

While catching my breath, a distant snapping sound caught my attention.

I quickly sat up, listening intently for footsteps, but couldn’t hear any.

What was that?

I promptly stuck my head out of the hollow.

After focusing for a bit, I could hear something creeping in the canopy above. Giving it reason to attack would be suicide. Instead, I shut my eyes and covered my mouth, praying it would only pass by.

The creeping soon stopped.

Am I safe?

I decided to lie back down, but another sound tore through the silence.

This time, it was a woman's voice.

Unlike before, it was now desperate, maybe even a little panicked.

"Akoni! I'm so sorry, my son, please come back to me."

I barged out of the hollow without thinking.

My eyes scanned the dark desperately, and for one impossible moment, I saw her. A silhouette hovering between the trees, alien amongst everything else. I ran towards her, arms outstretched, desperate not to lose her once more.

Just as she was barely within reach, she vanished.

As suddenly as she appeared, she was gone.

I collapsed to my knees in a daze.

I stayed kneeling for a while, long enough for my anger to give way to heartbreak and sorrow.

I looked back at the canopy; there was no sign of anything having been there earlier. Did I hallucinate that too?

None of this made any sense.

Is any of this even real?

I slammed my hands into my face to clear my head.

She's never coming back, don't get distracted.

I slowly stood up and made my way back to the log to end the night.

After resting my head, the tears finally came rushing. I knew I needed rest, knew how dangerous it was to make noise — but I couldn’t hold back anymore.

Not this time.

The next day, I awoke exhausted.

Dying of thirst, I hobbled my way to a nearby stream to drink.

Staring at my own reflection irritated me a little. The defeated look in my eyes made me recall the previous night. My hair had matted terribly; clumps of dirt and twigs made me look more like an animal than a person. I counted the scratches and scars on my face and thought about how little progress I had made, despite looking so battered.

I finished up at the river and got ready to begin the day's trek.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a familiar shape: a large black creature watching me with familiar yellow eyes.

My whole body froze, the little water in my mouth pouring out of my fallen jaw.

Was that really him?

I needed to approach slowly; it could be another trick.

Just as I inched toward it, the creature hurried away.

I followed without pause, my tiredness melting away.

I struggled through the undergrowth, unbothered by the world, unbothered by my own fears and worries.

I kept chasing until my lungs burned and my legs shook, yet I never saw that shape again. I stood in a clearing I didn't recognise, breathing hard.

Was it really him?

I rested against my knees, exhausted from the chase.

I pressed my hand to my chest and felt my heart beating fiercely.

The grief cut so deeply, yet I wasn't sad — in fact, I felt quite relieved. I had spent the previous night crying over the family I lost, forgetting that I had a new one. I stood back up and smiled to myself, regaining my resolve.

He wouldn't want me to give up. He had fought hard to protect me — he was strong, and now I needed to be too.

"Thank you, my friend."

There had to be a way out of this forest. I just needed to find it.

I awoke on the sixth day determined to find a new path.

I surveyed the land, then decided to head northwest.

I continued on this new path for about half a day. A sudden aching in my arms halted my journey. I looked up and noticed the setting sun.

I felt the urge to rest, but felt motivated enough to journey a bit longer.

Fleeting thoughts about the city began to excite me.

What kind of food did they have in the city?

What type of people?

There might even be nice girls!

Crap, I was getting distracted.

City girls were the least of my problems; I might be dead soon.

Following the setting sun, the air began to cool.

I searched around for a log to sleep in, but instead came across my worst nightmare. I now knew that I wasn’t allowed to even dream of happiness. This stark reminder had completely shattered my soul. A few metres away from me stood the final nail in this journey’s coffin.

That cursed tree, excited to punish me for even dreaming of freedom.

The bark was still stripped, its twin trunks reaching out like a begging hand. I threw my tools to the ground and ran to inspect it.

I had to make sure it was real.

Sadly… it was.

I bit into my own lip, hard enough to draw blood.

I couldn’t believe it, after a whole damn week!

Dazed, I sat at the tree's base and laughed hysterically.

Not a good laugh; it was the laugh of a man whose fate was clear as glass.

The way a common man laughs after spitting on a noble. The way a gambler laughs after losing his last coin. The laugh of a perished man.

After I stopped laughing, strange voices began to inch from around me.

Amongst them I heard my mother's voice, beckoning me into the darkness. Just as I considered answering, a pair of bright yellow eyes met mine and her spell came undone.

I pulled my knees into my chest and wiped the blood from my face. I tried so hard to stop trembling.

Now in my right mind, I could truly feel my own hopelessness, my impending death — and I despised the myself for it.

Why did I ever think to come here?

Still shaken, I raised my hand toward the canopy.

A saviour. Be it angel or demon, I didn't care.

Someone please just save me.

By the end of the seventh day, I had completely given up.

I had no strength to move, no strength to hunt. No matter how hungry I got, I just couldn’t stand it anymore.

I eventually found a moss-covered stump and lowered myself onto it like an old man. Even after a whole day of rest, my body still trembled.

I thought to sleep, but I was still too afraid to close my eyes. I clasped my head in both hands, desperately searching for any reason to keep going.

"I can't believe it has come to this," I muttered.

The truth I had tried so hard to outrun crept further into my broken mind.

"It's over. There’s no way out."

As if sensing my despair, the voices began jeering once more. I once again felt them inching closer behind me. I buried my head in my lap, afraid to look out into my prison. Amongst the jeers, I heard my mother's voice call out softly.

I shut my eyes immediately, covering my ears to drown out the lies.

"Go away!"

"You're not real. You're not real. None of this is real!"

Plead as I might, the voices didn't stop. They only grew louder, closer, fiercer.

A sudden rustling of the bushes distracted me momentarily.

I lifted my head slightly; I faintly saw that mysterious black shape, watching from afar.

To think I believed you were my friend. How could I be so stupid? You're not real either, I whispered.

"I buried him. He’s dead!"

The shadow stood tall, unmoved by my pleas. Its gaze grew fiercer. It hurt, knowing something that felt so real was just another twisted lie.

At first it had felt warm; now it seemed off somehow. It unsettled me.

"What kind of game is this? Leave me the hell alone!"

By now, I had begun crying. I knew how little it helped, yet I couldn’t stop.

Even after all this time, the only thing I could do was cry like a pathetic baby. I was sick of it!

Just then, I heard a woman call out from the darkness.

This time it wasn’t my mother; this voice was clear, authoritative, heavy.

"You want this to end? That right is earned, not given — little boy."

Each word shook my body and brought me to my knees. A deep, sudden pain shot from the crown of my head down to the soles of my feet. Every inch of me screamed to run.

I was so afraid I didn't even notice I had stopped breathing. I gasped loudly, coughing hysterically as my body demanded breath.

A distant sound caught my attention; something was moving through the undergrowth. Fast!

Without even catching my breath, I began sprinting the other way.

Every step was a battle.

I struggled over creeping roots and fallen logs, barely keeping pace due to my injuries and hunger.

Half a minute in and I was already exhausted, yet I dared not stop.

Even though I was at full speed, the creature only kept accelerating. Although burdensome, I tried weaving through the trees to confuse it. The creature matched my every move effortlessly, tracking me through the dense undergrowth with frightening precision.

I had always thought the Gunja was too agile, yet somehow this creature was even more impressive. One moment's hesitation would surely mean death.

My lungs were about to burst.

I couldn't keep running. I needed to hide.

I cut left, pressing my back against a tree and drawing my bow in one motion.

Then I froze.

My arrows; I had left them at the stump.

How could I have been so careless?

I tossed the useless bow aside and reached for my axe instead. The creature had more reach, but attacking from above would give me the advantage. I scrambled up the tree, the axe held tightly between my teeth.

I could faintly hear it getting closer.

Its steps were so light I began to doubt it was nearby.

What the fuck moves like that?

Before I even realised it, the beast's steps became softer than my heartbeat.

I knew I was screwed!

Not long after that, the area was engulfed in complete silence. I held my breath and listened.

Nothing.

A loud rustling from above stole my attention.

I looked up one second too late.

The creature launched from the trunk above, slamming its massive paw into the side of my face.

I was sent flying and tumbled hard into a tree several metres away. My throat filled with blood. I choked and coughed it out, barely able to breathe because of the pain in my neck.

Standing just in front of me was a very familiar figure.

As my eyes adjusted and the blurriness faded, I saw it clearly for the first time. Female, younger than him, yet fiercer looking. Black fur without a trace of grey, large yellow eyes burning with an eerie coldness.

Another Gunja, just like…No.

“You're nothing like him,” I whispered softly.

I tried to stand, but a sharp pain dragged me back down. I lifted my hand to my head and felt only the coldness of my own blood running down my arm.

Fuck! My ribs were also surely broken; I have no chance of escape.

As I tried to think, the axe I had dropped caught the light just barely out of reach. The beast followed my gaze, she then swept it up with her tail and flung it at me.

The blade buried itself in the bark beside my face, close enough to feel the air move.

She bared her teeth and dropped into an attack stance; upper body low, weight forward, ready to spring.

A basic provocation. One I should have probably ignored.

I pulled the axe free. The pain from doing so knocked me to the floor. After scrambling to my feet, I leaned forward — mirroring her posture.

"Come at me, you stupid beast!"

With that declaration, I took my first step toward my enemy.

I might as well die on my feet.