Chapter 4:

Lord Crumbly, Supreme Judge of the Culinary Arts

Elaine the Teasing Witch

The scent of freshly baked pastries drifted from beneath the door.

When Elaine pushed it open, a colossal kitchen stretched before them.

Once again, vast clouds of arcane energy swirled high overhead.

Entire shelves filled with ingredients floated through the air, while sacks and crates were piled high throughout the kitchen.

And in the very center stood a lone figure.

“Oh no...” Elaine whispered.

It folded its golden-brown arms and watched them through its gleaming gumdrop eyes, an elaborate icing-sugar wig crowning its head.

Louis stared at the towering figure.

“Is that... a gingerbread man?!”

“Worse.”

Before she could elaborate, the giant pastry stepped forward, the kitchen trembling beneath its heavy footsteps.

“WHO SEEKS AN AUDIENCE WITH LORD CRUMBLY, SUPREME JUDGE OF THE CULINARY ARTS?”

Elaine sighed deeply.

“It’s a cookbook amalgam.”

“A... what?”

Elaine gestured behind the gingerbread man, where a book floated within a swirling vortex of magical energy.

“During large-scale magical chain reactions, ley lines often latch onto simple forms of magic to stabilize their Nether feed.”

Louis stared at her for a long moment.

“I understood literally none of that.”

Elaine pinched the bridge of her nose.

“My cooking spellbook became the core of the anomaly.” She pointed at Lord Crumbly. “And that thing over there is the physical manifestation of it.”

Louis looked from the floating book to the towering pastry judge.

“Can’t you just do to him what you did to the killer underwear earlier?”

Elaine shook her head.

”Food magic isn’t that easy to neutralize. Especially not when it’s drawing power directly from the ley lines.”

Louis thought for a moment.

“What if we just hit him really hard?”

She raised a brow.

“What?”

“I mean, he’s a giant cookie. Couldn’t we just punch him until he turns back into crumbs?”

“That won’t work either. Culinary familiars are protected by the fundamental laws of hospitality. They are therefore immune to physical violence.”

Louis stared at her, speechless.

That’s... the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

“If we want to stop these reality distortions from spreading, we have to get rid of him. And there is only one way to do that.”

“And what is that?“

Her voice rang through the kitchen.

“Through superior cooking.”

Louis blinked.

“You’re kidding... right?”

Before she could answer, Lord Crumbly spoke up.

“SO YOU HAVE COME TO PUT YOUR CULINARY SKILLS TO MY JUDGEMENT?”

“Indeed we have!” Elaine proclaimed, striking a theatrical pose. “We hereby lay claim to this kitchen, our right secured by the superiority of our culinary mastery!”

The confidence in her voice faltered when she caught Louis staring at her.

“S-stop looking at me like that, creep! That’s how you’re supposed to address culinary familiars...”

A booming laugh rumbled from the gingerbread man’s throat.

“VERY WELL! IF YOU CAN WITHSTAND MY JUDGMENT, MY DOMAIN SHALL BE YOURS! BUT SHOULD YOU FAIL...”

His voice darkened.

“YOU SHALL SERVE ME FOR ALL ETERNITY!”

With a grand sweep of his arms, he conjured a colossal hourglass woven from pretzel dough.

It crashed onto the floor with a heavy thud, golden grains of wheat trickling through its center like sand.

“YOU HAVE TWO HOURS!”

Then he marched to the far end of the kitchen and lowered himself onto an oversized throne made of stacked flour sacks.

Louis stared at the hourglass in disbelief.

What... just happened?

“Well, no point standing around.” Elaine gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“What are you going to make?”

Slowly, Louis turned toward her.

...

“ME?!”

Elaine crossed her arms.

“Who else? Do I look like someone who can cook?”

“But... you’re a witch!”

“Oh, and all witches can cook now, can they?” she shot back. “Honestly. Men hear the word 'witch' and immediately assume we spend our days brewing soup.“

Louis’s gaze drifted back to the steadily draining hourglass.

Only two hours?

“All right. Fine. Let’s not waste any more time...“ he relented. “I guess I could give it a try. I’ve been cooking for my little sister since I was a kid.“

He looked toward the motionless gingerbread judge.

”But I have no idea whether it’ll be enough to impress that oversized pastry. For all I know, he only eats cookies.”

Elaine considered that for a moment.

“Judging by his appearance, you’d think so. But he’s a familiar of cuisine itself. So in theory, any dish should have a fair shot.”

She shrugged.

“It just has to be unbelievably good. Otherwise, we’ll be stuck here for all eternity...”

“Do you have to put it so bluntly?!” he snapped.

“A little pressure builds character,” Elaine replied with a grin. “Besides, I’ll help however I can.”

She leaned closer, her lips drifting toward his ear as her voice dropped to a whisper.

“Though there are limits to my generosity. I’m not doing everything...”

The warmth of her breath sent a shiver racing down his spine, and he quickly stumbled a step away.

“I-I didn’t expect that anyway!”