The Trouble with Trust

I walked into town still with the message hanging like a collar around my neck. “Do not trust them.” Generally speaking, that was sound advice these days. Between corrupt nobles, greedy merchants and superstitious neighbors, a dose of wariness should always be handed out. No, the problem was that I found the message in my own writing, carved into a stone in the middle of a field.

No memory of making such a warning came to me no matter how long I thought about it. I could have taken it for a poorly considered trick on me had it not also been in a code that I created for protecting my work. The evidence was clear enough. I gave that warning. Yet how could that be possible with no recollection of it happening.

And yet the mystery only compounded with that being a marker that led me to a hidden journal. I carried it with me out of sight as I walked into the small stone plaza of town. My eyes darted around checking on anyone that might have seen me. I was just falling into paranoia, I needed to stop. This was illogical.

I would just go home and sit down with this journal. It would explain everything and I could move past it all. A hurried pace in my step got me back to my house at the edge of town. It was my parents’ house and theirs before for generations. It showed its age in the wood, but stone held against time. I made a few improvements to the interior along with some advice from Ricard the carpenter. It made my workshop sturdy for all my experimenting.

In the end, it was probably a good idea I was at the edge so no one had to deal with the smells or smoke that came out when something failed. And it did regularly. But testing required failures to learn. As I repeatedly had to remind Claire as we cleaned up each mess. As long as I didn’t ruin our fine dishware that mother had bartered a trader for she would forgive everything else.

At the door, I paused seeing dusk was entirely gone. Lantern light was the only thing giving me a path home. I was late. Claire wasn’t going to be pleased. After finishing the job for Mrs. Greene I had intended to return. However, I chanced upon a marker with my writing that sent me on this paranoia fueled encounter.

Then I looked at my hands. They were still caked in mud and dirt from digging out the journal. Work always got me a little rough looking coming home, but this certainly went a bit beyond that. I rubbed my hands picking at the earth dried under my nails. It helped my presentation a little, but it wasn’t good for dinner.

Opening the front door with a loud groan of metal made my entrance all the more clear. Though I doubted she even missed me passing the window. But I still tried not to make too much noise until I found her. Though it wasn’t even with the door closed that I heard her.

“You’re late.”

I jumped a little even expecting it, it almost felt like she was standing next to me. She wasn’t even yelling and she could still carry a voice clear across the house, impressive. I confirmed my journal held firmly at the back of my dress kept still by the tied off waist. “I got distracted, dear.”

“I could’ve guessed that much.” I finished stepping into the living room not seeing her. The warm spiced smells of roasted meat filled the house now that I took the time. If I had to guess it was probably rabbit stew, I think she mentioned something about that as I was leaving for Mrs. Greene’s. At least it would keep longer.

The kitchen might have been a normal guess, but after an hour of being late she went to the library instead. It was off the kitchen, but she definitely made it more of a habit to pass time on a book. She enjoyed reading the old works of Lewis and Verne. It was probably why we got along so well. No one else could stand my mad ravings.

I leaned into the threshold of the library. A small modest room with shelves over the south wall and a desk on the north near the door. She preferred the window seat with a lantern. It made it hard to miss when I returned home. Unless I wanted to be sneaky, I’d have to walk by the library window. A few times when I wanted to be playful, I’d wave to her as I passed by, but not when I was late. No, I knew better than to poison a sour mood.

“Evening, dear.”

“Got lost in Mrs. Greene’s plumbing?”

“Not at all. I finished her request promptly.”

“And promptly failed to return.”

“Well, yes. But you know me.”

“I do. What was it this time?”

“The morning showers exposed some curious earth stratifications that caught my eye.”

“You did seem to enjoy yourself.”

I looked down seeing the brown and muddied blue dress of mine. It was hardy at least, I worked in it. This was to be expected. I smiled weakly. “Probably a bit too much.”

Claire stood up placing the book on the stand. She almost looked like she was going to just walk by me, but stopped rubbing a couple of fingers over my chin. “Get cleaned up and you can tell me all about your rocks.” And then she passed by.

I turned watching her walk away admiring her. “I’m still angry with you.” She had eyes in the back of her head. I smiled knowing that tone. She was bothered, but not so much anymore. Not quite forgiven, but I wouldn’t have to sleep in the workshop either. Even if she knew that wasn’t always a good punishment.

If I wasn’t already running late for dinner, I would have started cleaning my dress, but that would have to wait. Pouring some water into the basin, I cleaned off the caked mud and dirt from my fingers and nails. After soaking in a soup of dirt water, I wasn’t perfect, but I was better. Enough Claire wouldn’t yell at me for ruining her cooking. Not that I wanted to be getting dirt clumps in her wonderful stew.

Exchanging one dress for another, this one rested far more loosely on me. If it wasn’t so late, I could have kept working afterwards, but that wasn’t going to be an option. The best I was going to have was a read before bed. And this was definitely more comfortable for relaxing.

Carrying the lantern from the back of the house, I blew it out as I stepped into the well lit kitchen. I was greeted with the full wave of aroma from meat and vegetables, even some simple bread. It looked a little darker than usual, as I guessed she warmed them back up on the stove.

I came up behind her and gave her a hug. “Sorry I was distracted for so long.”

“I wouldn’t have stayed all these years if I hadn’t already accepted who you were. Your curiosity is an addiction.” We stayed together while she finished bringing everything back to a hot meal. “And charming.”

“Oh, I like charming.” I rested my head a little against hers as we swayed ever so slightly.

“You make it hard to stay mad at you.”

“You make it easy to come home.”

“And silver words.”

“Makes up for my lack of silverware.” She laughed and pulled over a bowl. Dinner was ready. I let go to not distract her further. As she made each serving I took it from her. Together we carried everything to the table.

A hot meal shared with Claire, I could have stayed there all night. Though I did sort of waste that in the end. But she let me ramble about rocks and sediment to her while I worked through bites. She listened attentively, even interjecting with her own thoughts on some discovery I mentioned. We could go back and forth until the sun rose and birds chirped. But that wasn’t to be. Sleep had to come. I had to be ready if someone broke something again. It gave me odd hours, but a lot of time to think.

And as I fell asleep next to her I pondered the warning. A journal of unknown work and a message, it was enough to make me stay up all night to tear apart. None of it made sense and that made it exciting. Exciting enough that sleep was challenging. It was hard to find peace until Claire rolled over to embrace me. And then I forgot everything and sleep claimed me.

With mostly peaceful dreams, I awoke promptly to the crack of sunlight and the repeated warning in the back of my head. A warning to myself that still lacked context. It was hard to make any sort of action based on it, but it did keep returning. I was going to have to figure it out, but without knowing what the journal held I couldn't know who would be after me for what I knew. But I really wanted to know.

I wasn’t used to being so alert. Exhaustion would normally cling to me in the mornings. The cause usually was always the same root, too many hours in the workshop. Which eventually led to Claire adamantly refusing to leave me alone in the house.

For now I hid myself away in the workshop after breakfast. The anticipation of the journal and what secrets it might hold was too much for me to resist anymore. It was leather bound, something a rarity for me. I didn’t come by it easily, so I only used it for the most important notes or discoveries I made. Most of my notes were just on loose parchment to Claire’s disapproval. I needed to be better organized, she claimed. When it came to something important, that did come. She might even be proud.

I opened it to find about what I expected, everything was in one of my codes. Though unlike a replacement, which looked obvious, I wrote it in metaphor and mixed meaning. This could be read as something entirely different. It made it easier to ignore if my notes were discovered. The real problem was that I didn’t remember writing it. I had a puzzle before me. It wasn’t more than twenty pages, so I should get through quickly. Though the real question would be how much effort it was to solve my own code. A small smile came over me as I dug into the mystery.

Finishing with the journal, it was an interesting, if bland read about things I already knew. It explained the orbit of the celestial bodies in the skies and the forces at work. Each light in the sky was recounted with great detail as if it was an observation log. It definitely had my speech patterns. If anyone knew me well enough, they wouldn’t have thought any different. However, frequently I found myself reading different words than were written. I knew I would have used different phrasing or just a different word. Subtle inconsistencies that only confirmed what I knew and gave me a starting point. The thread to pick at until the whole thing unraveled.

However before I could dig too deeply a knock came to our door. Claire went to answer it. Did they already find me? But I didn’t know anything or was that a problem too? No, I couldn’t think like that. I put away my already started notes. Once cleaned up, I stepped out of the shop into the hall to find Claire and Mr. Tille. “Good morning!”

“Miss Stonewell!” Stepping out from the hall, I entered the living room where Claire was providing him a seat. With tanned skin and hardened by years in the sun, he looked quite good still for someone pushing their forties. “I was just explaining to Miss Rosenbill the problem.”

“Something you’re needing my hands for?”

“That’s right. If you’re not busy, Miss.”

“I’m happy to help, Mr. Tille. What happened?” He owned most of the land east of town. While he wasn’t the town mayor, given how many worked his land he nearly was. Most everyone went through him for something.

Mr. Tille rubbed a hand over the wooden armrest of the chair. He seemed a little nervous. It wasn’t like I didn’t fix things for him before. It was why anyone even visited someone like me. Otherwise, I doubt we’d get any visitors. “It’s the mill.”

Claire glanced over at me. She was telling me to stay calm. I fixed the damn thing two weeks ago. How did they break it again? What were they doing to it? Not to mention it wasn’t something I could do alone. The parts were too heavy to move for anyone. It was a whole event. I’d need the farm hands to help again. “What…” My voice already cracked as I felt my body heating up. I closed my eyes trying to keep to rational thoughts. Then I felt the warmth of a familiar hand taking mine. My body steadied. “What happened? I believe I gave instructions on how to ease the stress. The parts are old.”

“Yes. Jerrod had to help out in the field today with damage to the fence from some animal attack. Ryan I was told had been explained about the changes you made, but it would seem he didn’t remember them.” Or wasn’t actually told and you were lied to or you’re lying to me. Or he didn’t take my advice seriously. But in the end, none of that mattered. We needed it to work for the sake of the town. “Can you look at it?”

“How bad does it look? Did something break? It’s barely holding together. You need to see to getting it replaced or a new mill built.”

“I know. It’s expensive and hard to find someone that can build a mill.” It had been part of the town for longer than I could remember. The way people spoke about it it had been here since the founding of the town. I doubted that, but after so many years history and truth became more like fairy tales. It probably had a good life and time was just finally catching up, no matter how good it was taken care of.

Between taxes and the demands from the capital, I couldn’t really imagine how much remained behind. Though this was only delaying the problem. He would have to find a proper solution to it eventually. Until then, he’d darken our doorstep. “Let’s go see it. I’m going to need some hands for the job most likely.”

“Just tell me what you need!” The positive side to it should mean we got some of his surplus set aside for us. It was never a bad deal, even if all it would be food most times. Mr. Tille stood up giving me a slight nod in gratitude.

Out at the east edge of town, there were two men standing by the mill with the fields already full of hands working. Seeing those gathered had me break out in a sweat. My eyes shifted around. It probably didn’t mean them. We all knew each other, but I couldn’t imagine a couple of farmhands had any sort of concerns with me. At least I couldn’t imagine anything. But then I couldn’t remember what I was supposed to know or maybe fear. A wild mob was a frightening thing.

For as much as paranoia threatened the fringes of my thoughts, I pushed myself to focus on the task in front of me. I spent nearly the entire day at the mill giving directions and stitching together with what I could put together. The stone was the most likely to hold out, but with the weight of everything else, enough jams it started to damage the base. I had to use some plaster to fill in the damage and they wouldn’t be able to use it for a couple days to let it set. I really stressed to them that they need to treat it with more care. It couldn’t take rough handling anymore. The whole thing would collapse before long if they didn’t give it proper attention.

But with the job done and dusk starting to approach I made it back home with the promise of payment and a layer of sweat on top of another of dirt. Claire was happy to see me after my tardy return yesterday. We spent the time after dinner in the library reading even as my mind pondered the puzzle. I didn’t make progress on the book. But for the sake of Claire I stayed.

With luck, I had the following morning to sit on my puzzle. And I started to piece things together. It was definitely my most complex effort and clearly not one I was familiar with. But the excitement of solving it drove me to keep drawing and testing. Each failed piece only caused a possibility to be marked off and a step closer. I had to know what this was.

I definitely felt myself getting closer. Days slowly passed as I picked apart pages and paragraphs. An image started to form in my mind of where it was going. I didn’t have enough for context, but I felt the weight of the words. It was something big I discovered. From some dig I made while looking at a newly formed crack. It had been caused by shaking in the ground. They were a common occurrence, though usually minor events. Once and a while they broke open the ground and I’d get a wonderful look at ages past. The earth had so many secrets. But this secret I found was the biggest I had come across. Enough that I forgot, somehow. That question, that mystery remained.

Another day passed and I returned from fixing Mrs. Townsen’s shed. Definitely a more preferred repair job over a mill. Nothing complicated, but still something out of her expertise. It was a quick job and left me with lots of time to think. As I slowly returned home, my mind shifted around meanings and intentions in my mind.

I stopped a little before the plaza as it came to me. “Something buried. That's the piece I was missing.” Much of the journal was almost memorized at this point. I started fitting more pieces into place. I had found something buried deep underground. Something manmade, but completely unlike what I had ever seen before. Ancient and buried, but there was more. I found more, but my notes. I needed to get home.

But as I looked up, I saw Mr. Lawne and Mr. Quinne walking. They were talking to each other until they saw me in the street. Why did they stop talking? It wasn’t that strange that I was walking through town. Was this what the warning was about? But they didn’t know anything. But I lost my memory of what I did. Were they the cause of that gap? Were they watching if I remembered? I left that as a way for me to preserve what I learned, but it had to be also because I knew this would happen. What happened to bring me here?

I turned down a gap between houses, breaking sight with the two men. I just hurried home not even trying to make eye contact with anyone. Could there be others that knew as well? I needed to learn what I forgot. It would tell me what I should be worried about.

My breath was a little shallow even though I didn’t run. Rubbing my hands together I could feel a bit of sweat over my palms. I couldn’t believe I let my paranoia get to me like that. I had no proof. Just the unknown. Yet that unknown left a powerful instinct in me. Not like one I had before.

As I sat down to catch myself, Claire came in with some strips of fabric she was working on. I tried not looking as flush from the whole experience, but I think I failed from seeing her face. “Something wrong?”

“Just a little out of breath.”

“You run back?”

“I might have a little. Had an idea come to me that I wanted to write down.”

“Not going to dart off to your shop?”

I smiled at her. “I should. But a little more exhausted than I expected. It’s still tightly locked inside, not going anywhere.”

“Good, I’d hate to have to chase it around the house.”

“That wouldn’t be fun.” She smiled and pet my head, running her fingers through my hair. It was calming feeling her touch. Did I really have to worry about someone coming after me? At least in my house I was safe.

Once I completely settled down I returned to the workshop with my thoughts. It was going to take a few hours, but I was certain I had all the pieces I needed now. It would just be a matter of going through pages and converting everything over. Then I would finally learn what it was that I found.

After hours into the afternoon I came to a sudden stop in my notes. I had been writing feverishly through everything. Mostly just absorbing information, but not processing. “This can’t be true… What does this mean…for everything?” I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Everything crammed into my mind finally had to be confronted.

I still had even more questions, but I knew now what it was. The truth of what I discovered. A secret world, an ancient civilization lost to time hidden beneath our very ground. It wasn’t like ruins of some sacked city or a ghost town abandoned. No one lived there anymore, but it was still standing aged and crumbling very slowly, but clear as I could see the sky.

The crack came from a split in some metal alloy plating that I couldn’t even scratch with any of my tools. Centuries or more of stress and finally snapped it allowing entry into this ancient world once more. It was vast and massive, a literal underworld. Someone buried it and built a new over top. What of our world was real and what was a facade? Where did it end?

Apparently, I explored this ancient city over weeks in the spare time available to me. It supposedly had towers that stretched from the ground to the ceiling further than I could hope to measure. Construction technology beyond any knowledge I knew or seen. I wasn’t a superstitious person, but it was so impossible it could have been magic. Yet everything part of me believed it was just knowledge, logic and understanding that built this underworld.

And still it was a dead city. There was no life to be found. If there had been time would have eroded it away. Who lived in this world? And why did they leave or die out? Why was it built over, covered up? Why were there not even myths of this place? Something so old should have had tales and stories about it. But nothing in all I’ve read spoke of this place.

It was as if history wished to completely forget it.

And then I remembered the warning once more. Someone wiped it from history. It was constructed. What we lived was a false life. And whoever managed to do all this may not even be around. But my warning said they were or someone was protecting this secret. They made me forget it all? I guessed if they were capable of covering up a whole civilization, making me forget would be simple.

If they found me once, they could again. Were they watching me now? Would they appear and I would just forget everything again? Why were they doing this?

“Alex?”

I jumped in my chair. Sharply, I closed the journal and looked over to Claire. “What is it?”

“Dinner’s ready. Didn’t you hear me calling?”

I suddenly realized how sweaty I was. Brushing my hand over my face, I tried to calm down. I didn’t even realize how much my chest hurt from the stress. “Sorry, I must have been so focused on my writing.” I gathered up the scattered notes and put everything in the drawer. Retrieving the key from my pocket, I locked it and stood up. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“Are you feeling well?”

“Yes, I just had a lot to think about.”

“Some food in your belly then should help that.” I gave her a small smile and nod. She was right. All the worry wasn’t going to do me any good right now. The unknowns would only have me leaping at shadows. And I needed to be rational, logical about this.

Claire made a wonderful meal of some smoked meats that I got in trade for work. With some potatoes and carrots to round out the meal, it was filling and flavorful. It made for a far better meal than I could put together. As much as I knew my way around the kitchen, she always had a better talent than me. I never inherited mother’s skills with food. I didn’t burn things, just couldn't bring out their best.

As I finished the meal, I leaned back with my mind returning to the discovery. The real question was what did I do with this information? I preserved it because this was an important lost history. And someone didn’t want it known. But aside from knowing it was down there what purpose would it serve us? It wasn’t like we could use or do anything with the underworld. It was a dead city. The best we might be able to do was learn from them, but it felt so far beyond my understanding that it didn't even seem like a practical course.

Which meant that it was a mostly pointless discovery from a societal standpoint. I reveal it and if they believe me, getting evidence would be next to impossible. And if proven all that happens was we would know more of our history. Nothing more. I wanted to go back down there. There was clearly more left undiscovered. I was either stopped because whoever the warning was about found me or I couldn’t reach more.

There were too many questions left. As it stood now, there wasn’t a lot of point to taking it public, even if I could risk it. But finding another crack into the underworld was going to be difficult. I’d have to chance upon it and I didn’t like those odds. I didn’t get out in the wilderness all that much.

Finally, I stood up and started to walk back to my shop. But Claire called out. “Could you pick up my book from the library?”

“Is it on the table?”

“That’s right.”

While she finished up, I walked over to the library. Normally she read in here, so it was a little surprising that she wanted to read somewhere else. It was the best lit in the house other than the living room. There was just enough of the dusk light coming in through the window for me to still see well around. “Right where she always leaves it.” I leaned down to pick it up when I heard the door close.

I turned around seeing Claire standing in front of the door. “Were you wanting me to read with you tonight?”

“No, Alex. It’s time again for this conversation to happen.” The warmth was completely gone from her voice. It was almost chilling. I had never known her to speak in such a way. It was like a completely different person.

Shifting around the library, I was reminded of the warning. Heat ran from my body like rats from a sinking ship. “About my staying up too late?”

“There’s no need to keep lying to me. You never did have a good face for it.”

“Lying about what?”

“You found another one of the journals you left yourself, right?”

“Another?” Damn, I shouldn’t have given that way, but I just reacted. How did she know all this? Who was Claire?

She locked the door and took a seat in the chair that I normally did. “Come. You have questions. And like always, I’ll give you answers.” She pointed over to her chair. I didn’t really have many options. Even if I could make it for the door it didn’t feel like escape was possible. The trap already caught me. The cage was closed.

I nervously took the chair. The wood groaned a little from my less than careful effort. “Who are you?”

“The Watcher assigned to you.”

“Watcher? You were who the warning was about?”

“My first time I slipped up and more than I wanted became exposed. Enough that you were able to leave yourself clues. Tiresome as it is to repeatedly do this. Until I can be sure there aren’t any more left behind this will continue.”

“How many times?”

“This is the fourth time. And to clear up another of your questions.” She waved her right hand in a turning gesture and suddenly like magic became a young man. I had never seen him, but there was something painfully familiar for some reason about him. Another wave and she became a young teenage girl and then an older man.

The warning made more sense now. It was a trick. I was never going to be able to know who it was. She returned to the Claire that I knew. “This time I lived with you. Certainly made watching you easier. But with the simple questions out of the way. Let’s begin with the real questions.”

“You made me forget what I learned. No one knows about that underworld. Why is it so important to you?”

“It’s a past that needed to be forgotten so that society could move on. An inconvenient reminder of our greatest mistakes.” She really was going to just tell me. Why was she being so open about this? Because she was going to make me forget again? No, there had to be another reason. She wouldn’t go through all this trouble just to make me forget once more. “Before you jump ahead, let me finish. We’ve been through this before, but it is my mission.”

There she went again about how this was repeated. There was almost emotion in her voice each time she said it. What did this moment mean to her? “Beneath the world as you already discovered are buried cities. We buried them almost a millenia ago now. Science, society, culture, everything that made humanity had reached an evolutionary dead end. Civilization was stagnanting. Birth rates were almost zero or negative in all parts of the world. Apathy claimed people’s lives. We gave up.”

“Everyone died? But if you’re so advanced…”

“It was by design. A few of us that still wanted to believe humanity had a chance made a choice. Seal away everything that we were and restart. Start new not remembering anything. It was important that the past was forgotten. It's why we exist.”

“You decided for the whole world? I can’t believe every single person had lost the will to live and grow. There had to be others like yourself that still wanted more from life.”

“Statistically speaking, yes. Nothing is absolute. But there wasn’t enough. Actions had to be taken, someone had to make the choice.”

“You don’t have the right to choose for people!”

“If we did nothing it was the literal death of humanity. We accept the ethics of the decision. It is the price we were willing to pay.”

It felt like everything that she planned to explain had come out. There were still so many things I wanted to know about history, her people, who the real Claire was, but nothing that mattered. There was a more important question to ask now. “Why tell me all this if you just plan to make me forget again and repeat this cycle?”

“Because just like the last three times, as someone that has learned the truth you have a decision to make. Join me and become a Watcher or continue your life as a curious scientist in a town that doesn’t truly value your drive. You want more. That’s why you went down into Old Atlanta to begin with.”

“Three times before I rejected you. Why would I make a different choice now? What value is there in keeping everyone ignorant and left behind?”

“We don’t hold humanity back. We just watch and preserve the past until you can accept it. It is our wish to give this humanity a clean start free of our mistakes so that they can find a better path than us.”

“Morally questionable actions for noble intentions?”

“That’s correct.”

“But if you’ve watched me for so long you’d know I’d want to stay here and use what I know to help everyone improve their lives. And learn what I can from the world around me before it’s my time to die.”

“Yes. It’s a familiar speech to me. But being this close to you. Watching you, caring for you. I’ve seen more of you than I had before. We could do so much together.”

It was then I realized that if I forgot I would lose Claire. I already lost whoever the others she was. Be they friend or neighbor, they were gone. I probably couldn’t have them back. But she was still here. I didn’t want to let go. But how could I accept everything that she stood for and did? Accepting her meant agreeing with their actions. How could I do that? It was wrong what they did. But could I have found a different answer? Was there even that possibility? Could that be the path of these Watchers?

“Will you take my hand, Alex?” That warmth returned to her. Was that all fake? We lived together for three years. I had seen her laugh and smile, cry and get angry. I knew where to make her smile when she was sad. Those stories where two lost companions reunite always made her cry. She twitches in that cute way whenever she has to eat a radish.

The warmth that I felt everyday when I had been alone.

I wasn’t my past selves. She knew that. I still remembered my parents and childhood. I wasn’t a different person, but meeting her, she changed me. However I was before I was different. It wasn’t so easy to just say no and abandon her. She was right, I wanted to just say no and forget. Reject her world and prove in my ignorance that there was another way.

I wanted to do that. But she was there, waiting. She needed an answer. But I kept silent. Claire didn’t press me to answer quickly. I guessed she had all night. She really did want me to join her. Could I really do that? No, I needed to hold to my resolve.

Minutes ticked away as I kept throwing the debate around in my mind. It felt like an impossible decision to make. It was too much. Running felt tempting, but each time I tried to fall back to that I looked at Claire and knew.

Finally, I knew what I wanted. “I’m ready to answer.”