To Die And Live

Another sunrise. Or, the potential for one. It was hard to know if it was early morning or late night. Sayane’s eyes opened as she left sleep’s realm, and all she could see was unrefined darkness. There was a calmness and quiet to the air that made her assume the rest of Haven was still asleep. Even the glowing waves of ether were tempered. As she watched the faint glows ebb and flow in the blueish black that hung just outside her window, she felt something akin to peace.

Cramps were still pitting her insides against themselves, causing her knees to pull to her chest for comfort. While she and Azag had bathed, Miux had gone to retrieve some emergency fabric from Can-Mo. He was able to provide a fair amount of absorbent material, which Sayane had fashioned into a makeshift diaper. Blood ran without ceasing all through the night, but it never seeped onto her leg or the bed. Now, it was time to wash and change.

She’d thought she had said goodbye to her old life that night in the waterfall, but memory and prior experiences had a way of appearing without planning and offering reminders of what had been. If she were still in Tokyo, this would have been as simple as switching pads. But now she was laying there swaddled in a foreign fabric, relieved it had contained every bit of her flow but also a little uncomfortable with laying in the remnants. It was just another moment of surreal newness that she would add to her mental library of all the ways Illarios was different from Earth.

Azag shifted in his sleep and she listened to his labored breathing as the edges of his back protrusions caught the softened hints of ambient pink. She had experienced a few one night stands and partial commitments in her twenties, so waking beside another was not entirely new. But this certainly was. He was large, disabled and limited in his motions, intimidatingly jagged, disfigured and scarred in ways that even the beings of this realm might find frightening, but she didn’t care. When she looked at him, all she felt was a comfort and tethering tranquility.

No matter how frightening every day was, Azag had always made it bearable. Others may have found him gruff and distant, but in the uncertain weeks of Sayane’s beginning, he was the one who had been there for her the most. His vulnerable openness was refreshing and she wanted to protect him as much as he’d protected her. He’d likely never fully understand, but without him and Attis, she likely would have thrown herself from a high ledge and prayed that whatever death came from that would be final.

Thinking on her death and its finality was strange. She was still alive. Still here. Still going. But she wasn’t THERE. She wasn’t in Tokyo, wandering its myriad dense streets and existing around its millions of residents. She wasn’t in a studio or dance class. Had there been a funeral? How had her parents mourned her? It had been years since they’d spoken, and when she was alive, they had absolutely rejected her for her running away and chasing idolhood. Did they feel any form of remorse? Because she did. It was small, but it was there.

Like so many others, she had always thought she’d have more time.

Sayane slid out of bed as softly as possible and made her way to the tub. They had discovered that the water itself was infused with ether, so when they had bathed the night before, it cleaned itself as they rinsed away their grime. Muddied water whirled and turned clear as they scrubbed, and both had accepted it was simply the wonder of Haven and the Ether. So, Sayane had no concern as she slid the garment from her hips and knelt to ring it in the deep bowl. Just as she’d imagined, red streamed out into a pool, then glowed white and vanished. She rung the fabric again and again until it stopped producing any discoloration. Then she herself stepped in and let the stains on her inner thigh fade.

Coffee would have been nice. Azag might have some form of alternative. Being a bartender, he likely knew of all manner of drinks. Surely there would be something in this realm that could be warmed and provide energy. Maybe it could be something they enjoyed together.

Or maybe she’d vanish today.

That was the lingering fear that bit at every waking thought.

Ethereals had no guidance in their purpose, and no hint as to how long they would stay in Illarios. Sayane had always assumed her purpose was to liberate the Great Harmony Shards and help bring about The Silence’s defeat. As hard as it was to admit, she had partially existed with a death wish for all those months. It was easy to push herself to breaking points because she was rushing towards the end of a tyrannical empire and possibly the end of her existence. Every wound and over-exertion was in the name of that, so she had been okay with almost destroying herself.

But now she was still here.

And the impact of that intensity had manifested itself in the form of all-encompassing exhaustion and a somewhat unwell mind. Uncertainty and hesitation were chipping away at her resolve as she, Azag, and Attis wrestled with the gargantuan burden they had inherited.

They had made it to Haven. Erosc was almost done clearing out the remaining Silence strongholds. That was a start.

There was a part of her that had wondered if getting everyone to Haven was supposed to be her final task. She hadn’t faded so now she wondered if helping Kol reawaken the Ether’s magic would be her final task. Every new challenge brought a new round of concern that it might be the last thing she did. Still, she carried on and gave everything she could to bring those tasks to completion, no matter the personal cost.

In their own way, each task represented another death and rebirth for her. Completion would bring about the pause in waiting as Sayane braced for oblivion, but that end would not come and she would simply exhale and realign herself to continue on towards another goal.

Warm water lapped against the contours of her ribs and arms as she closed her eyes and let her body rest. Time moved along at its own pace, and Azag stayed asleep. Lights began to appear outside the window as the world began to wake. Above them, the vaulted ceiling of the massive fissure shifted from deep blue to soft orange.

Echo’s remains stood alone on the edge nearest the window. Sayane wanted to honor him properly, but she did not yet know what felt correct. Sayane laughed to herself as she considered the possibility of fading after that. Nothing was out of the realm of possibility. At least everyone gathered would already be prepared for a memorial service.

The thought amused and terrified her, and she sank below the water to reset her mind. Beneath the surface, everything was quiet and ambient. Rhythmic cadences pulsated from the water and into Sayane’s body, whispering hums of comfort to her tensed muscles and disquieted mind. A slow exhale pushed her remaining breath out from her nose and she felt calm.

Bubbles left her nostrils and her fingers touched the scar on her chin and nose. They’d endured so many conflicts, she wasn’t even sure when she’d gotten the cuts. Whatever they were, they were deep enough to leave a permanent wound on her face. Time had turned scab to scar tissue, trading red for slightly raised and darkened skin.

Healing had occurred, and those brownish pink lines were the afterglow. As she felt the bump, she was grateful for another reminder she was still here.

Enough time passed under water and Sayane rose for a breath. Some new sadness was sitting in her chest, mixing like a whirlwind with the gentle peace she was now feeling. Tears didn’t fall, but memories of all the things she would never see again did threaten to open the ducts.

Once, she had clasped metal in her hand as she rode in crowded trains. Rain had soaked her on the way to buy sake one night and she’d never felt happier. In the cold of winter, she’d spent months learning ikebana. When she was a child, she would cry from the overwhelming wonder of seeing cherry blossoms outside of her window.

There was so much beauty in existence.

Life had robbed her of remembering that in the latter parts of her first life, and she didn’t want it to happen again here.

No matter what awaited, she wanted to hang on to her joy and wonder.

More distant windows were beginning to shine. Life was returning from the comfortable escape of sleep, and Sayane wondered if the other beings were as nervous about the future as she was.

Once her fingertips began to wrinkle, she rose from the bath and wrapped herself in a robe to dry, slowly making her way to the large balcony at the edge of their suite. It was strange- there was almost no sensation of wind, but the air wasn’t stagnant. Ether currents caused her damp hair to drift softly against her neck as she stepped outside. Voices echoed in faint recalls that danced across the sprawling cityscape. More orange filled in the ceiling and walls, giving the impression of a coming sunrise.

Sayane found herself listening to the awakening with a love that had once only been for music. Subtle sounds of activities beginning began to blend with the nearly inaudible words.

Far in the distance, the Violated Great Harmony Shard was sparkling like a jewel.

Hints of a chill moved across her skin.

Eventually, bodies began to cautiously exit their dwellings and move into the narrow streets that wove between them all. Sayane watched from her balcony high above, and listened to the song of life that was building as more rose to greet another sunrise.

Sayane watched as the tiny bodies moved together towards food zones and communal baths. It struck her that every one of them had their own complex life. Even if they weren’t ethereal songstresses who had liberated ancient magical beings, they were still made of millions of moments and memories that built into the person they were at that moment.

She’d likely never meet them all, but knowing that tens of thousands of songs and stories were with her suddenly felt more beautiful than ever before.

All those dreams.

All those hopes.

All of those scars that still needed to heal.

She had to push on for them.

This life was beautiful, and everyone deserved to remember that. No matter what awaited, no matter how exhausted and afraid she was, Sayane wanted to endure so that everyone else could feel that as well. She prayed she’d have many more sunrises.