Long Live the King!

So there I was, sitting in a dark cavern, surrounded by the insects I began to call family. I looked upon my subjects cowering in fear of me and the words I was about to utter out. I found myself inhaling softly and exhaling sharperly, the result was a quick jump from the three main culprits in the front. The culprits being a black spider with refined bladed legs and a black armored carapace, a lanky pale white spider with silver eyes, and an earth cover Spider with short legs but an incredible build. These three I would honestly call my brothers, and at the same time they are the repeat offenders. That’s why I can suspect them the most. I closed my eyes and let my words speak volumes.

“So who did it?”

“””It was him!”””

I found myself shocked watching the three of them start pointing at each other, well that was fast. A second later however, the black spider dropped his blades and asked the question.

“Wait, what did we do?”

“Don’t play dumb with me Doug, you know what you did.”

“And that is?”

I stared at the black spider, my first companion Doug. Did he seriously have no idea?

“This confrontation is because of what one of you did. I was preparing to partake of something most sacred-”

“Did someone steal your lunch again?”

“...Yes.”

“For f***s sake! Your on a witch hunt over something so-”

“Honey simmered bacon, smoked to perfection. Cheese made from Apollos goat milk, aged for two years. Bread stolen from the high church, said to be used for the most holy of communions. All combined to make a sandwich so magnificent the gods would cry.”

The room fell silent for a moment, good let the gravity of the situation sink in.

“...And the beverage.”

“Wine, made from the finest orchard in Greshid.”

“Which one of you bastards did it!”

That the spirit Doug, I knew you’d under-

“At least give me a sip before drinking it yourself!”

I was wrong, damn you to the darkest pits of hell!

“Dammit Doug, who’s side are you on!”

I looked at the source of the voice, our pale and lanky friend standing in the middle.

“So Stephen, what’s your excuse?”

“What! Doug just said he’d wish he stole it!”

“Yeah, he wished he stole the wine. All I care for is the sandwich, and you love to eat human food right.”

All eyes were on Stephen, his eight eyes darted left and right as he realized the walls were closing in. The lanky trapdoor spider was losing ground and fast, that’s when his eyes started to beam.

“Wait, I know of another possible offender! One who hasn’t been named yet!”

“Oh really? And who might that be?”

“Her!!!”

I looked down, only for something fluffy and white to jump onto my face. After prying off my attacker, I was pleased to realize it was baby Snowy. It always heals my heart holding this sweet little jumping spider. I sit her on my lap and start caressing the fluffy on her back, it reminds me of the pet cat I used to have.

“Thank you Snowy, I needed this. So Stephen, you want to accuse my precious baby?”

“She is not even a baby! She can speak! I bet she isn’t even zero!”

I pause for a minute, and look down at Snowy, how old is she in spider years? She looked at me as if grinning and happily gave a response.

“I’m seven!”

“Well isn’t that adorable, you heard that Stephen? She’s seven.”

“...You’re mocking me aren’t you.”

“You’re living off borrowed time, but just in case. Terry, any response?”

I looked at our friend Terry, bulky in his stone like carapace. Despite his appearance he’s as gentle as Snowy, but also rather dumb.

“...Oh, sorry boss, I was thinking about honey. What’s up?”

“...The sandwich?”

“Oh, you know I like bugs, boss. Right now the only thing I have on my mind is bees.”

Just like that Terry went back to day dreaming, his labium salivating like it were a tongue. A moment later he stopped and directed his gaze towards Stephen, even Terry is smart enough to know where this is going.

“Terry, what the f*** man! I didn’t even accuse you!”

“That’s what’s so suspicious, you would’ve accused me by now.”

“See that, Terry is an idiot and even he knows…No offense Terry.”

“No worries boss.”

Stephen began looking around him, eyes glowing and mouth agape. Then he looked as if he had an idea and started tapping the floor.

“I chose this place for a reason jackass, you don’t have any trapdoors here.”

“Dammit!”

“Worry not, we have ways of making you talk. Anyone got any recommendations?”

My favorite scare tactic, letting my associates name torture methods.

I say we should hang him from the ceiling for a week.

I say we glue him to the wall and spank his thorax. One smack from each of us.

I say we send him to the breeding chamber.

These were a few examples, each one caused Stephen to sweat more. I never knew pale white could get lighter. Eventually we landed on a punishment, Drum our fortifier was gonna pound him into his new cement mold.

“Nah, this is Bulls***! I did nothing, you’re always doing this!”

“Damn straight, because it's fun. Drum, take him away.”

“With pleasure boss, as for you. Come’ere boy!”

Stephen began screaming, while everyone else began doing an ape-like chant. Justice for the sandwich you skinny white motherf***er! Was what I began thinking, until someone stopped my train of thought.

“Hey guys, how’s it going!”

“...*Sigh* What do you want, Carly?”

It was my merchant, and just when I was having-

“Why are there crumbs on your face?”

“You wouldn’t believe it, I found the nicest sandwich sitting on a well lit table.”

“...Smoked bacon with melted cheese?”

“And a side of the most delightful wine! How did you know?”

I looked at my boys, Doug looked tired, Stephen cried tears of joy, Terry was bored, and the army was pissed that their fun was ruined. Only one course of action can rectify all the wrong that’s been done.

“I think Carly needs to be reeducated, take her to view the broodmares in the breeding chamber. She’ll watch what goes on there for 24 hours straight.”

“Huh? What did I do! This is so uncalled fo-Wait, don’t touch me! Eek! Was it something I said! Please forgive me! Don’t do this! Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

She cried so hard that snot was coming out her nose as she got dragged to the viewing chamber, that’ll teach her to mess with another man’s food. I looked over to see Stephen jumping for joy, like hell I’ll let you enjoy your day.

“Drum go take Stephen for that beating.”

“With pleasure!”

“This is Bulls***! I know my rights! This is straight Bulls***!!!!!!!!!!!”

The crowd cheered as Stephen was dragged away in tears. Meanwhile I called forth Walter the strider to bring me a drink. I got lemonade, freshly squeezed and ice cold. Parched from what just happened, I put my feet up and took a sip of my beverage.

“Oh it is good being the king.”