Chapter 1:

Chapter 1: A maniac, a car and a pervert

Crazy Witch X Pet Swordmaster

The door was unlocked.

She stared at it.

Then at the handle.

Then back at the door again, like it might suddenly admit this was a mistake and fix itself out of embarrassment.

“…No way,” she said slowly. “You’re telling me I’m in a mental facility, and the door is just unlocked?”

That felt like either a trap, a prank, or someone’s career being actively negligent.

She grabbed the handle.

Turned it.

Click.

It opened.

She froze.

“…Oh… what lousy security” she said.

Paused.

Then leaned in slightly.

“Okay, important question,” she whispered to the door. “Are you broken, or am I just built different?”

The door did not respond.

She sighed.

“Rude. I’m talking to you and everything.”

But since doors typically don’t develop sentience mid-conversation, it remained silent.

So she decided that was permission to continue forward and stepped out into a corridor so bleak it looked like it had been designed by someone who had never once experienced joy, colour, or possibly daylight.

A nurse walked past.

Did not look at her.

Classic.

People here didn’t look at others unless they want to understand what mortality is.

The girl raised a hand anyway and waved cheerfully.

“Hello!”

The nurse stopped.

Slowly turned.

“…You’re supposed to be in your room,” the nurse said.

The girl nodded immediately.

“Yes”

She gave a thumbs up.

“…I just used my ultimate primordial divine heaven defying god obliterating secret technique…”

The nurse stared.

The girl continued, completely earnest:

“…also known as ‘the door was kinda open already’.”

The nurse looked like she was actively reconsidering her life choices.

The girl tilted her head.

“Do you ever get the feeling,” she continued conversationally, “that rules are more like… suggestions?”

The nurse opened her mouth.

Closed it.

Opened it again, as if hoping a better response would conjure up.

Then she turned and walked away faster than before.

The girl watched her go.

“…Wow,” she said. “What impeccable customer service, I can’t believe I pay a fortune to stay here.”

She in fact does not pay anything.

She has no idea what money is in a meaningful sense, only that her parents sometimes look sad while holding pieces of paper before giving it to a nurse here.

She looked down at her hands.

“Thankfully I’m a heroine so I’ll let her off.”

Then she decided the hallway had nothing else emotionally useful to offer and continued walking.

However the exit was too easy.

That was starting to annoy her in a way she couldn’t fully articulate.

She pushed one door.

It opened.

Another.

Opened.

A security camera stared directly at her for half a second—

Then subtly rotated away like it suddenly remembered it had absolutely anywhere else to be.

She squinted.

“…Are you serious right now?”

No response.

She pointed at it.

“I see how it is. Selective observation system. Very professional.”

The camera did not acknowledge this, partly because it was just a camera, and partly because even inanimate objects seemed to be avoiding her.

So she ignored the rude camera and headed to the exit.

Outside, the world was normal.

Which was deeply suspicious.

Grey sky.

Grey street.

Grey people…wait why are they grey???

She stepped onto the pavement not bothered by the oddly coloured people, though she did briefly wonder if this was what “outside” was supposed to look like or if she had accidentally loaded a low-budget version of reality.

Inhaled.

“…Okay,” she said thoughtfully. “So this is what ‘outside’ tastes like…”

Tears built up slightly in her eyes.

“…tastes like a shit smoothie.”

She has no idea what a smoothie is either, only that it sounds like something that tastes horrible and she wasn't allowed to have it.

Behind her, distant shouting began.

She waved without turning.

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to inconvenience your whole establishment!”

Inaudible shouting continued.

“Unbelievable,” she muttered. “Zero customer retention strategy.”

She turned forward.

A road stretched ahead.

Flat. Simple. Extremely confident for something so fragile.

A car approached from the left.

Fast.

Not dramatically fast, just fast enough to confidently erase a human sized human.

She squinted at it.

“Oh,” she said. “That looks like it’s committed to something.”

It didn’t slow.

She raised a finger politely.

“Excuse me,” she called out. “Quick clarification—am I meant to move, or are we doing dramatic isekai today?”

The car did not respond, instead it morphed into a large truck.

She didn't seem to care much though.

“…Okay, rude,” she muttered. “No communication skills whatsoever.”

She tapped her chin.

“Statistically speaking, this is the part where I should step aside.”

Pause.

“…Scientifically speaking, I’m curious how bad it can get.”

Another pause.

She nodded.

“Science wins.”

She stepped forward.

CRASH!

There was no elegance to it.

No cinematic pause.

Just a very firm disagreement between human body and moving object, with the object winning on account of carrying more potential energy, and as a great man of questionable origins once said, “an object in motion stays in motion.”

And so she too was in motion.

Sky. Ground. Sky again. Ground again, but hard this time.

She hit the pavement hard enough that her thoughts briefly stopped being words and became static.

Then returned immediately:

“Okay. That was actually kinda impressive.”

A second thought followed:

“I need to write down my hypothesis.”

Pain arrived late, pain is like that, it will arrive just after long enough so you drop your guard.

She coughed out a gallon of blood which isn’t generally healthy.

Then laughed.

Because of course she did.

“…You know,” she said weakly, staring up at the grey sky, “if this is how it ends, I feel like I should’ve at least gotten extra pudding this morning.”

Someone shouted nearby.

Footsteps rushed in.

Hands touched her, then pulled back, then returned again—less confident this time, like she had stopped being a patient and become a lot of annoying paperwork when this man doesn’t get paid overtime.

She blinked up at the sky.

Still grey.

Still dull enough to darken ones soul.

“…Honestly,” she muttered, “Are you a pervert?”

A man leaned over her.

“WHAT?! Just stay with us!”

She considered that.

Then replied:

“Perv.”

Badump her heart went weakly.

Then, cheekily…

“…Imagine touching a woman who was hit by a car.”