Interlude 2: Aez - What I Believed

Interlude 2: Aez - What I Believed

Aez couldn’t remember how long ago it was. Did it happen after a year of that day? Or did it happen a few months later only?

What did his brother tell the little kid he was back then?

He couldn’t remember a single thing.

But when he started going to school, he realised.

Before, Aaron was always there, taking care of his young brother. Or other times, another girl of her age would be there. The girl’s parents would be there, and her grandmother too, and the way they all talked to him, gave him company, played with him - Aez never felt that something was missing in his life. Back then, he would wake up, and if his brother had school, he’d head out with him, and Aaron would let him go to her house, where her parents and her grandmother would be waiting for him to come.

And when Aaron came to their house to receive him, Aez would go home as he talked about everything about that play to Aaron. Every game they played, everytime the girl, Nia would try to be smarter and would fail drastically. And Aaron, his brother, seven years older than him, would laugh at his words, and tousled his curly hair as he led the young one to their house safely. They’d talk, they’d laugh, they’d play too.

Aaron’s books were interesting to Aez, though he’d find them sometimes weird as they had little to no pictures. But still, he’d try to understand. He felt that Aaron knew so many things that he didn’t know. And he wanted to be like his older brother. So he always asked him to read from his books. Aaron would laugh at that, but would still do it anyway, though he wasn’t convinced that little Aez could really understand any science or history or anything. But those were evenings well spent. And then, later, Aaron would cook warm foods - though they tasted all the same everyday - but it was still enjoyable.

Everyday back then, was almost the same. But those were heartfelt moments, and there was no darkness, no void in Aez.

But when school started, and he grew up, he noticed the difference.

The little kids of his age always had a parent, or sometimes two parents to take them home. For Aez, there was no one. When Aaron was still in the school, they’d return together. Aez back then, spent some long hours waiting in the assembly hall for the older brother’s class to end.

But a few more years - and then Aaron too left for the army. Then, there was no one.

Aez wondered if it was okay for him to feel that way. There wasn’t anyone he could talk about what he felt. Aaron wasn’t there anymore.

Aez had heard that the girl’s parents (was Nia her name? He couldn’t remember.) had passed away too. Aez wasn’t sure how to face that, and so he didn’t reach them out anymore. One day, two day, then years passed. From junior school, he reached middle school.

He didn’t see the girl again.

Aez knew everything he needed to survive. He knew how to cook, he knew to clean dishes or the houses, and also knew how to manage his time so that he could do all the chores and also keep studying.

The day his brother left for the army, he asked him.

“Are you really sure about that? You’ll be left alone. If you have any difficulties-”

“Oh come on, brother, I’m not that much of a child anymore, am I?” he laughed, “I know everything. Of course I’ll be fine. If there’s any trouble though, I’ll let you know. But I can take care of myself. You should believe me!”

Aaron was silent.

“You’ve been working hard all this time, haven’t you?” Aez asked, “You were the only one. You were young too, but you still acted like an adult should. You never let me feel the loneliness that could come over me. And yes, I’ll remember that! And so, you should work hard in the military. Make me proud! Make our late parents proud!”

His brother cracked a smile and tousled his hair. Laughing, he said, “Well, look at you. Aren’t you trying to talk like an adult?”

They both laughed loudly, and when he stopped, he said, “Well, then, of course I’ll make everyone proud. And you too. Don’t stop being good. You’ll have to make me proud too. We brothers,” he patted him on the shoulders, “we’ll see them all say, ‘Emer brothers are the most talented brothers’.”

“They will. You’ll see when I become a scientist!”

“And you’ll see in a few years that I become a squad leader, and then the highest officer!”

They promised each other that no matter what, they wouldn’t give up. The brothers only knew each other, and he was the only one Aez believed in. The person who was the ideal to him.

At first, it wasn’t too bad. At least, until school began. But when you are lonely, sometimes you can’t help notice the things you wouldn’t normally notice, would you? And sometimes, some thoughts won't stop running around your head. And if there is no one you can turn to at that time, it can get really hard.

Aez didn’t want to write letters of bad feeling to his brother. So, he always filled his letters with the happiest news - like when his teachers praised him, or when he found something really interesting in his science books, or when he scored well.

But some days, it would rain so much, and it wouldn’t stop. Aez would be left wondering what he was living for, and whether there was really any point to it. On those days, Aez would quietly sit at one corner of his room, hiding his face in his knees.

But the happiest day came, when finally, two years later, the library was left open for Aez’s class as they were now older students. They could visit it any time they wanted. And that was a relief.

Aez would sneak into the library whenever things seemed hard. He didn’t want to talk to anyone on those days - just a few quiet hours with the science books would be enough. He’d forget his sorrows, and he’d be left thinking about the wonders of the world. There were so many things he didn’t know yet. Even the higher class books didn’t contain everything. Researchers were working all the time, new new things were being invented. He’d join them too, one day. He’d help them too. And then once he’d reach that place, there’d be no more bad feelings or thoughts. He’d win. And he’d be a winner forever from them on.

On one of such days, when the downpour outside didn’t stop, she arrived.

“Mr scientist?”

Aez’s thoughts were broken, and he looked up from his book, adjusting his glasses.

A girl stood at the door of the library. Ash blonde hair wet with rain, her shirt and skirt muddy.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you,” she smirked, “It’s just that-”

“It’s fine,” Aez said scornfully, eyeing the mud, “just… don’t touch any books.”

“Of course I wouldn’t,” she shrugged, “Too much rain. We were playing volleyball, but it started to rain too much.”

“Well, you can always head to the…” Aez tried to suggest it, but he was interrupted at once.

“It’s not like I don’t know that!” she crossed her arms, “it’s just that, I wanted to talk to you.”

Aez was getting bored now.

“I always see you sitting here. You can see the grounds from the windows. You've probably seen me many times. And you know I’m in this school. Yet you never tried to talk to me.”

That was a lot of words. Aez sighed, “I don’t even know who you are.”

The girl looked taken aback. “You are Aez Emer, aren’t you?”

“Yes?”

“I’m Nia. Nia Bennet. Don’t you remember me?”

Aez examined her face. There was some sort of familiarity about that, but he honestly couldn’t remember where he had seen her. Maybe he was just making it up in his head, and truthfully he didn’t know her.

“Then I guess I should punch you,” she said, scowling, “Oh, Aez. I can’t believe-”

“Nia!” another voice called out to her, and she stopped in her tracks.

“What are you doing here? Let’s head back, everyone’s there already. Oh, who is it-” another girl had barged in the library, and Aez felt awkward; he knew this girl, she was the leader of the girls’ sports team, though he never talked to her ever. He wondered whether he had to greet her now, though he didn’t realise what was the point of it when he didn’t know what to say next.

The other girl paused to look at him, and then after a moment, she turned to Nia and continued speaking. “Don’t disturb him, he’s an honour student. He probably doesn’t want any of us to talk to him. Let’s go.”

“Well, he didn’t say I was disturbing him!” Nia shrugged, “But I know Aez. We are childhood friends. Aez, do you-”

Childhood friends?

“Oh, you just want to mess around with him,” the other girl shook her head, and then dragged her away. Aez wanted to feel good that she was finally gone, but he couldn’t. Did he know her? Maybe. The childhood memories were getting blurry to him. And he didn’t want to remember them much to be honest. Because the most vivid memory he had was of his parents and his brother, and himself. They were in a sort of picnic. It was really fun. And he never had such a fun day with them again.

It was too much to open that bag of feelings. It made him feel weak. And he wanted to be strong. So it'd be best, if he didn’t think of anything from back then. And that’s what he continued to believe.

The only way was to go forward. His brother had succeeded in getting into a place where he wanted to - the military. And so, Aez, too, would have to work hard.

No, there was no point in talking to those who didn’t share such an ambition.

He didn’t understand such people, after all.

***

Weeks had passed, and that girl had tried to talk to Aez many times. Somehow, Aez always escaped the situation. No, even if he knew her - he didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t want to remember anything about the past at all. If only he could tell her that directly. But there was something about that girl, something that made him feel bad whenever he attempted to speak harshly.

It was a pain that she tried to speak to him after every break, or at lunchtimes. He was avoiding her though. He hoped that someday soon, the girl would get tired of this, and would stop talking to him.

On one of such days, something happened.

It was raining again. The thing about Aez was that, whenever it rained, he could remember some of the old days. Coincidentally, the day he realised that his parents were dead, and they’d never come back, or the day his brother left him - all those days were rainy. Rain made him remember things he didn’t want - but somehow they all brought those memories, quite vividly.

Sitting at the stairs in front of the library, Aez silently watched the rain. The library was under maintenance, so it was closed for a week now. He hoped it’d open soon. He didn’t know how to deal with such rainy days without it.

But fortunately, the final bell for that day would ring soon. And he’d get to go home. He had an umbrella, so there was no problem.

Until Nia came.

“Mr scientist,” she said, smiling, “You have an umbrella.”

“I think the school had spare ones too.”

“And they are already taken by the other students. Today’s rain was unexpected.”

“Don’t you have someone to take you home?” Aez asked, sighing, “I’m sure they’d come if it doesn’t stop raining.”

Nia remained silent, and then slowly, she started speaking, “My grandmother is old, Aez. I’m sure you don’t remember, now that you can’t even recognise me. But her legs have gotten worse. So I go home on my own.”

Grandmother. There were memories flashing in the back of his mind again. Granny. Uncle. Aunt. The images of many people, smiling. And he was there too, happy.

And within all those images, there was a young girl by her side. Ash blonde hair cut short. Grinning vividly.

Nia.

“We could share the umbrella, if it’s not difficult for you,” Nia said, “No, don’t think I’m trying to make you fall in love with me or something. I don’t care about such things. It’s just that,” her lips quivered, “I want my childhood friend back.”

The school bell rang. The students were out, hollering. Many didn’t care for the rain at all, and started running. And many had umbrellas.

“Let’s go, shall we?” Nia asked.

“Okay.”

He opened his umbrella. They both started walking together.

“Of course it’s you, Aez,” Nia grinned, “You still hold your umbrella like that.”

Aez felt embarrassed. It was right that he did do a few things a bit weirdly, but it felt bad to be called out like that.

“I made fun of you back then because of your little quirks,” Nia grinned, “but look, that’s also one of the things that sets you apart from others.”

Aez nodded. He didn’t want to talk. There were things in his mind still, and he desperately wanted to go home as quickly as possible. Because on such days, he almost couldn’t see the light, and he didn’t want to converse with anyone with such a heaviness in his mind.

Nia noticed that, and went quiet.

A few students were walking in the same direction as them. There were students who were older than them, and there were those who were younger too. The younger ones were accompanied by their parents. Aez felt an unease. Nia shifted next to him and so he looked at her. She was looking at him too.

“Aez, do you ever wonder?” Aez looked at her brown eyes which now sparkled with tears, “why did our parents have to die like that?”

Aez felt someone was choking him. There were images in his mind, smiles, happiness, and a distant memory of the day the news had come in - now he could remember it clearly. His brother was crying uncontrollably. He didn’t know what happened, and was unsure of what to do, so he made him a drawing. His brother had hugged him, saying “I’m sorry” repeatedly.

Aez jolted his head away towards another direction. He felt something wet on his cheeks. He touched his cheek and trailed his hand following the wetness, and he found his glasses. Ah. Since when have I been crying?

“They say great things, you know,” Nia said, though her voice was heavy. “They say… our parents, both mine and yours - they were the best assassins in the military. They helped our nation, Dottonex in unimaginable ways. They sacrificed their lives for Dottonex’s sake…”

“Why should I care about that?” Aez said in a low voice, “They have been nothing… except for some empty names in my life…”

Nia remained silent. Aez tried to focus on holding the umbrella. But the thoughts were incoming, and the umbrella was shaking so much. Both of them were getting wet on their sides.

“I don’t understand why I feel this way,” Aez said in rage, “I don’t even have those many memories like you. Yet… there’s always this empty feeling that I don’t understand-”

“The gold medals my parents were awarded,” Nia whispered, “They are in our house. They still shine. But if only I could trade them for my parents...”

“I wonder if they even thought about us before taking up their missions,” Aez mumbled.

“Oh Aez,” Nia smiled through his tears, “Being a state assassin isn’t easy you know.”

“Everyone says we are lucky to not have participated in that war,” Nia whispered, “But I don’t understand them. I don’t think we’re the lucky ones. They didn’t lose anything. But we still did…”

Aez rubbed his eyes.

It’s pointless, pointless! There’s no point in thinking about them anymore. They- they are dead, no one is coming for us anymore. There’ll be no one. And if I still think about them…

Damn it. Why do my tears still keep falling? Why can’t I be stronger?

Suddenly, his thoughts were broken once more as something grabbed his attention. He stopped, staring at it.

A little puppy was lying on one side of the road. It was drenched in the rain, and seemed dirty. Everyone passed by it, looked at it, and even commented, saying how poor it was to be left alone like that. But no one came to it. No one tried to help it.

Aez looked at Nia. She too was looking at it.

“We have to help it,” Aez said.

No more words were needed. They both walked to it, and after a while, the puppy was in Nia’s hand; they both ran to Nia’s house. Nia’s grandmother slowly opened the door, smiled at Aez, and gave him a hug, mildly scolding him for not visiting them sooner. Aez felt a warmness in her words, and it made him smile. The downpour was still there outside, but somehow, it felt a bit warmer from then.

Nia’s grandmother was a bit annoyed by seeing the puppy. But then she helped both of them. They were worried that it might not survive, but it prevailed. The next day onwards, Aez visited it often. Nia was always there. And they talked.

Aez couldn’t remember why - but somehow, things seemed a bit easier now. Even if they talked about the past. Even if they talked about their parents. But it was a little bit easier.

And on some afternoons in summer, they’d both be sitting in a field near the school. Leo, as they named the dog, would be there, enjoying the warmth. Nia would be sitting on the top of a tree, or maybe sometimes lying on the grass. Aez would sit right in front of the tree, closing his eyes.

A dream lingered. Some thoughts remained. But he didn’t feel the need to speak them out at once. It was a peaceful moment. The sun setting in the horizon and lavender flowers everywhere, a cold sweet wind caressing his face, his hair, reminding him of his older brother who took care of him, a promise they shared, and the voices of his childhood friend, the voices of his parents long gone, the voices of her parents which comforted him back then.

So many thoughts were there. And he liked it. He liked it a lot. Nia would be sitting quietly, and Aez would wonder what she was thinking then.

But those were the moments they enjoyed, the moments which would be there. And when it was too late, they’d head back, and sometimes Nia’s grandmother would be there too. The old lady was losing strength in her legs, but his heart was strong as ever. She believed in them, she said. She believed that both of them had bright futures waiting for them. And even if on such days, it felt tough to Aez, she’d be there. She too, would tousle his hair like his brother did when he was younger.

“It’s okay,” she’d say, “Those feelings will be there. But I’m sure you can go on even with them.”

He believed her. He believed Aaron. He believed Nia.

He had tried avoiding them for years, but now, he didn’t want to anymore.

If these days continued, Aez thought, resting against the thick bark of the tree, watching the clouds fleeting in the sky, I wouldn’t want a single thing to change. Yes, they’ve died. I don’t know if they helped the nation or not… but they aren’t coming back. And so, I’ll have to go on, choose what I believe in. But now, he looked at Nia sitting on the top of the other tree, looking at the setting sun, I think I’ve found the ones I want to be beside with. I want to work for my dreams, and stay at their side… always.

The days that feel like dreams, I hope - and I’m sure, they’ll just be the same.

They’ll never change.

Aez watched the light on the horizon, as it slowly faded, and darkness loomed above them.

***

Something woke him up from his sleep. Aez looked around, felt his glass beside him and wore it. Nia was sleeping further away, soundly. He slowly walked out of the temporary camp, making sure to not make any sounds. Just outside of the camp, Aez felt like Nia was saying something. But maybe it was sleep talk, Aez thought, and continued.

It was still dark, but the east side was getting clearer. Maybe it would be dawn soon.

A dawn, where another person would be missing from his life.

“Already up?”

Aez noticed Mersoy sitting on the top of a tree. She was looking eastward.

“Yeah.” Aez answered.

He walked to a stone a bit away from the camp, and sat down on it, facing eastward. Then he slowly started to speak.

“Mersoy. Please, hear me out.”

She didn’t reply. Taking it as a ‘yes’, he continued. “I didn’t trust you all this time. I’m sorry.”

Mersoy remained silent.

“I told you, you know, that I had a dream. I guess, I couldn’t help seeing the only dream I had to be shattered like that too. I wanted to reconcile with them. I believed, if we told Aaron everything, he’d gather everyone. They all would know the truth. We could search for the real causes of everything together.”

“Even when the truth is as clear as day?” Mersoy sighed, “You already know about the forest spirit and the water spirit. You know the deal with me. You can guess the rest.”

“I knew it. But I couldn’t accept it.” Then after a pause, he said, “I’m sure, Mersoy, you have faced such things too. Some days like those. When you didn’t want to believe the truth even when it was clearly in front of you.”

Mersoy remained silent. He looked at her unemotive face, and smiled a little. “No, Mersoy, I won’t ask you about your past even more. I’m sure, there are things you want to keep within you. Memories that are so precious to you that you don’t want others to know.

“If my elder brother still lived,” he continued, “I’m sure he’d join us. To get to the bottom of this. He’s my brother. I knew him well. And that’s why he led that revolution. That’s why he helped Miss D, even when he knew that she was an agent from years ago.

“My brother was the kindest person I knew. He was always there. It had been hard for him too. But I’ll carry on for his sake. I’ll not,” his voice trembled, so he paused and took a breath. And then he said, “I’ll not let his death be in vain.”

The sun was rising now. It lit up everything. There was something so serene, something so beautiful about this dawn, yet there was sadness that lingered like those rainy days. But somehow, the heaviness in his heart was being lifted.

I’ll remember you.

You were the bravest.

Yes, brother, Aez looked at the sun, as he noticed a single bird flying in the open sky, and so, these are my final words to you. I’ll not turn back. I’ll not run away from all these anymore.

Because that’s my way of saying ‘thank you’ to you.