Volume III. Chapter 4. Violent

Chapter 4. ViolentVery early morning started with pain in Kasye's back and eyes. Washing clothes made her feel sleepy. The whole day is kind of awkward and tired, it feels like you've been living for so long that you can't calm down, such a burden on your shoulders. Tired, even if you've recently started working. These three days have been hideously debilitating with inner pain. There were too many thoughts and they all pressed even at night, hallucinations began. "Where am I? What is going to happen and why is all this going on!? Why didn't everything go according to plan... My head is getting heavier, and my whole body is tingling. All that's left is pain, intense pain that can't be changed. I didn't do anything to these people, I didn't know their names, why did they keep laughing at me. Why do they keep bullying me, why does it keep causing me so much pain!!? ... What..what happened at the very beginning. Was it my fault? I don't remember the very beginning, I remember the suffocating white light. I don't want to remember the beginning. ... How are those who left me now? I hope they're okay..without me. ..."Weekend. Finally, the first day off. It's a very rare day that doesn't get to just anyone. Whoever brought Kasye here is not as bad as he seems. Lying on the bed, I didn't want to do anything at all. I managed to sleep and seemed to swallow a couple of gulps of air, as if my brain had finally learned to breathe. I didn't want to think, but my thoughts just wanted to wind themselves up. There was a knock on the door. A certain girl seemed too annoying from the outside. Her hair is brown, her eyes are green, and how long has she been wearing her yellow dress? From the first side, she looked hypocritically kind, but the atmosphere around her seemed like she was my enemy. Although if you think a little deeper, then everyone is an enemy to me. They're all rude. Leave me, don't trample my ashes on the ground. Leave, no matter what intentions you have come with. I'll never have friends again, I've pushed away everyone who tried to be there for me, I have no one else left. I won't have anyone else, please leave. I will betray you, I will be honest. Never forgive me, I'll do it again. I'll cry, pay what you deserve. Deep in my soul, I am very afraid that I will be hurt again. I don't want this to happen, and I'm not going to let anyone near me because of it. I keep a combat weapon at all times, even if I'm unlikely to shoot. Constantly scared, always try to protect myself even if nothing threatens. Defile me because of the combat weapon in the hands of my inner child, even if I didn't shoot you. Tasha invited me to that very collective meeting with a psychologist, which I successfully forgot about. It took place in a certain room, you wouldn't believe it, with red velvet chairs, and on the door entrance to the room was a piece of paper with a printed inscription: "music lounge". Yes, there was a broken piano somewhere against the wall..."There were chairs around the table and I sat down on one of them. It was not possible to sit next to Lori, because she was already surrounded by girls who communicated well with her, as it seemed from the outside. She noticed me and we shook our open palms at each other. After that, she continued a quiet but probably cheerful conversation with her friends. I heard that I arrived here only a week after my new friend coal girl, and she who as introverted as I am, was able to find friends. It hurt, she went through a hard experience too, it was hard for her too, and now she's fine, she's having fun with them probably on those days when she's not working... I... I don't want to get hurt anymore". A beautiful woman came in, she was wearing layered clothes and was very active to the point of nausea. Kasye Peach, who lives alone all the time, became annoyed by the active actions of others, as if they did not understand that the boundaries of others should be respected! The woman sat down on one of the empty seats on the same chair on which we all were sitting. And she really looks happy, as if life is meaningless and that's the whole point! Putting effort into one thing? She do not think that way, and it's worth paying attention to several things and thoughts at once. There were a lot of small details on her clothes that she seemed to have sewn on herself, such as a couple of stitches on her clothes and strange pieces of fabric or beads. How much free time she has invested in small beads, how wonderful it is, although it does not look very practical. In her hands she held a couple of stapled pages slightly parted. "Time for new friends..Sooooo" - she exhaled. All seriousness immediately disappeared, for sure she was a comfortable person. Comfort is something unpleasant, the attraction to themselves in such a way, for destroy, crucify, because the inner child at this time enters into trust. People here are very hypocritical individuals, they wear masks, and if you tell them the truth in their eyes or don't play by their rules, such a person begins to spit out absolutely everything that he has been thinking about you all this time, comfort. Clearly defined boundaries, a full-fledged personality that has already been created, or "draw me yourself". I do not know who I should be, everyone chooses their own. All plunging into heavy thoughts intertwined with the pain of the fact that both can leave. The main woman who gathered everyone here, said that everyone greeted each other from the beginning by saying their name, then a certain word that will be associated with you, it is desirable that it was somehow connected with your life and in one sentence, tell me why your word is exactly that.There was a girl named "purple fish", due to the fact that all her life before coming here she had a purple fish in a small aquarium, which one of her relatives poured into the toilet.. Lauren, who is familiar to us, said that she is called a "poker", because before her arrival she often worked on the stove. When everyone said their names, everyone smiled and somehow wondered what was going on in life before the arrival of others. Everyone interacted with each other and smiled, Kasye just turned her head, maybe tried to join the team, but still felt detached. Maybe she will say something now for which she will be defiled or something like that.. The queue did not take long to wait and reached her. In a rather ordinary, unremarkable, calm voice, the main character said: "My name is Kasy. Just call me ficus" In response, the elf girl received deathly silence. To make it less awkward, the girl continued, "m-my thoughts are just like a jungle.".. The one who gathered everyone just scratched her nose, and the girl who was sitting to the left of the main character called her name... It's not a very pleasant situation. Everyone continued to interact and talk while the main character lowered her head. "Am I dirty? Is that why it's unpleasant to interact with me? My heart is dirty, my hands are stained, should I wash them?.like that. My perception is bent, and I keep having nightmares. Am I any different? The creatures. They make me eat soup. A soup filled with my tears. It's probably a good thing that I'm not like the evil ones like you. As you all know, there is nothing worse than an abnormality. No one will be punished for the way my perception was bent, I guess I'll never get out of here again, I won't be able to think like before. They destroyed me, destroyed what was me." Heavy thoughts were interrupted by the speech of the woman who gathered us, her words were quite sensitive: ".. you are never to blame. Are there many people in this circle who got here after suffering from someone else's rough hands? You don't have to admit it, your rejected faces are immediately visible. Your thoughts are not yours at all, they are the rude words of those you grew up with. Have you been abused before or were you born sensitive? An endless vicious circle of fading flowers in your garden, they will probably never bloom again. You'll never grow up again" she said. She's partly right, her words were supported by the main character, still without raising her head, with her imperceptible tears. "Of course you can get cured, you can grow and change every time. The main thing is to get rid of the source of ignition. Learn more, work harder, because all this is experience and lived knowledge. If you fill your life with something valuable and interesting every day, after a while you will accumulate happy memories. Spend this time, which you could reflect on insults, on training your soul. Leave the burning house" she continued. And it only made it worse. Girl wanted to agree with many things. At the end of the speech, everyone suddenly started singing. The main character didn't know this song, but since everyone was singing, she just opened her mouth and swayed a little like the others, pretending to sing. After finishing singing something about the souls that the Lord must have mercy on, everyone stood up and bowed, Kasye repeated each strange action. The group dispersed, at that moment, Lauren suddenly came up and sincerely asked:Lr-Kasye hello. Are you working tomorrow? Ks-ah.. yes. In the morning.The main character answered rather briefly so as not to cause pity. Lr-oh..I just decided to go to the library tonight, I had a good night's sleep. Ks-what are you reading? Lr-the theory of the Aura. Ks-interesting, but maybe someday you can tell it to me? We can discuss it!Lr-Is it true? Do you really want to hear a retelling of the book from..Me!? It is true..Ks-I can spend my allotted time sleeping, for example, after you've worked, we can talk at night..Lr-n-no, I can spend my tokens on reducing working hours. I don't want you to sacrifice sleep, please, let's have lunch..Tomorrow! Or the day after tomorrow!Ks-tokens? Yes, let's do it tomorrow..when I finish my morning shift. Lr-great! I'll meet you after lunch, I'll definitely come to you. I'll tell you about the tokens and I'll tell you about the book! Goodnight!She put her dark hand on her chest and smiled.Ks-good night..They wished each other well and went their separate ways. Kasye Peach quietly walked through the hallway with rooms and went into her room, sat down on the bed. She continued to cry quietly, even if she had a friend. The girl was well aware that this place was only temporary for her. That she couldn't handle so much monotonous work without having ways to grow. That's the whole story...It hurts so much. The best years pass like this. You can't get your age back. Experience cannot be purified, it can only be accepted. All these injuries will stay with me forever. I won't be able to think straight anymore. Of course, everything can be changed, but is it in my power? I would..could. What if it didn't exist? How would I become with a combat weapon? Sure..HE's afraid of it. But even if I shoot my main villain, he has a lot of acquaintances, friends, those who will help him get up...Get on his feet. They..He has found those who support him in any, any actions. Adult. Violent acts. If I do that, then he'll finish me off. A time bomb. I collapse under his pressure. It's like they don't want to approach me non-verbally anymore, the way I behave..it became dirty. It's all because of the violence. This led to terrible consequences. How I should live on..in society. I'm afraid to trust, I don't want to be a doll anymore. I don't want to live anymore....Hugging a pillow, sitting under the light in the room, the pain did not want to go away. Quietly, rather hoarsely and crookedly, someone was playing a violin in the next room. It sounded annoying, but it was pretty quiet, so Kasye fell asleep with tears in her eyes. Although she has been in the new room for a long time, she is not pleased to be there. Annoy. Painfully. Physical needs go through pain and fear. Safety is a word that the main character has already forgotten. Anxiety was increasing, fear of the unknown, what to do...