Observing

My eyes can only stare at the wall, I see something bright appearing and it looks like a grassy field. Looks very soothing, and something so beautiful. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. I can feel my heart relaxing.

“Excellent Amaya, from now on I won’t talk anymore. Doctor Tanaka is here as well so you’re safe. Just enjoy the video, in fact here’s some music too.”

All of a sudden, I hear something soothing. Very soft pings and plink like sounds, it goes so well with the video. My eyes still water by themselves but I see something appearing in the middle that says “Omoiyari no aru”.

“Caring?” I say to myself.

Now that I think about it, this place is meant to care for us, so I guess this is how they show it for someone like me. I just wish they did a better job at not being rough. The video faded away into black and appears again but of a small girl hugging I think their mom in a home.

“Is this me? Hey, is this me?”

No one answers, I’ll just say to myself that it isn’t my mom. Can’t even remember her face at all. The video repeats itself, but now another word pops up in the middle. It says “Ai”, even the music changes to something that actually makes me cry.

“Love. I want to feel that again.”

The clip disappears, to darkness again, and something new shows up. It shows some old woman sitting in a temple, legs crossed, and breathing softly. She looks like the calmest person of anyone I’ve met. The music still is the same soothing tone, making this calmer more me.

Taking some breaths, it felt like all of my worries disappeared. Another word starts appearing in the video. It says “Kontorōru”, but the woman’s breathing can be heard more loudly now. I don’t mind though.

“Control.”

The more I think about it, I was in control earlier with Itona, except when I hit that guard. I don’t know where that came from, I can’t even remember me slapping him. I just stare into the video, and it goes to something new very fast.

This was not even a video but just a still image of two hands shaking. My ears hear the music turn into something a bit faster but still have the same soft tone. I stare at the image for seconds, nothing appears. Just waiting for something to appear, a minute passes by. The music still plays but nothing is appearing.

“Um, I…think your video is broken.”

Sitting here in this chair is so uncomfortable, I can’t even move at all. I just stare at the video and…hold on. Something is finally appearing, a new word pops up that says “Chūsei”.

“Loyalty?”

The word just stays there, making me squirm. It feels like something on my skin is crawling. Something strange happens, the music, it just becomes softer and just stops.

“Hey…what is going o..?

My voice, it just…went away. I can still breathe, but I can’t speak anymore. I can feel and hear my own heartbeat, making me claw at the chair’s metal arms with my nails. Looking ahead of me, something pops up, it’s the grassy field again. But the music starts back up again but with some bang noises.

A word pops up, not the same one as before but now it has the word ”Ai”. What even is happening? Is this some type of mistake where the words and clips got mixed up?

The music is just adding more stress to my heart, all I hear is it pumping fast. The clip goes away to the child and her mom, but the music gets faster. It doesn’t even sound peaceful anymore, it sounds…menacing.

A different word pops up, now having “Kontorōru”. I think they swapped out the words on purpose but for what? It doesn’t make sense. The mom and her kid replay over and over again with the word still in the middle. It feels like forever until it goes to the next clip of the same exact old woman breathing.

Once again, a different word is in the middle, “Chūsei”. The music keeps going on, not even matching the look of the video. I just stare into it, the word remaining there as the woman breathes. It feels like a minute pass by, and the whole thing goes black again.

Something bright appears; it looks like someone from a royalty standing next to a servant. I don’t understand this, what’s even the purpose of this treatment? It’s just random videos or images.

The video goes to the servant giving her some cup of tea. A new word pops up in the middle, but it’s all in red. It says “Jūjun”, I can feel my hands shake enough to feel the vibrations to my back. Obedience, what does this mean?

My ears can hear the music get darker, my own heart beating so fast that it feels it’ll jump out of my chest. The video disappears and goes to the greasy field with “Kontorōru” already shown in the middle. I think I get it; it’s like every clip is getting the word from the clip ahead of it and now it’s going to words two clips ahead of them.

It fades away and goes to the mom and her daughter hugging, with the word “Chūsei” instead. The video fades fast to the woman breathing immediately, but the word is not the one from the servant video. It says “Omoiyari no aru”, the caring word from the grassy field. I feel my stomach growl, not sure if from pain or fright.

The image of the two hands shaking reappears, but now it has the word “Ai”. Seeing the word for love like this is enough to make me want to vomit. The music just goes to being some fast beat style song, kind of matching how fast my heart is beating.

All I see next is the same royalty video, but it still has the same word “Jūjun”. Why is this still here? Is this their way of telling me to behave?

The video goes back to the grassy field but now has “Jūjun”. It goes to the mom and daughter with “Jūjun” and goes to the old lady with “Jūjun”. They keep going faster and with the hands shaking, also having “Jūjun”, before going to the royalty clip now having “Omoiyari no aru”.

Every clip is on screen for barely a second, all having “Jūjun”. But every time it goes to the servant one, it has the following word from the past clips. I just see “Ai” on it now. It keeps restarting over and over, with “Jūjun” and then the next word from the list. I don’t understand why this is happening.

The music adds to my nerves, all I can do is just stare and breathe. I can’t even move my eyes to the side at all. They all feel very watery.

But something new pops up, an image of a needle going into the stick figure of a kid. It stays there for a few seconds, before the whole thing starts again. It goes so fast I can barely make out what is going on. I just keep seeing obedience, obedience, obedience, obedience over and over again.

All I hear is the music, just making me sick. The clips keep playing on a loop, it feels like I’ve been here for many hours. But I don’t even know anymore. My eyes are going hazy, it feels like I can shut my eyes again.

In fact, they’re finally closing. The music even stops too; I can just sleep. No more videos or music, I can finally sleep off this horrible day. Hearing something, the door opens with some footsteps getting close to me. I give in to sleeping after hearing something from Doctor Tanaka.

“She’s good, she’s a fine specimen…”