The First Crack

Two weeks had passed since my first day in the music club.

By now, I had gotten used to both the school and the club. It was already the beginning of May, and the midterm exams were quickly approaching. Because of that, I either went straight home after school or studied at the library with my friends.

During lunch breaks, however, I always came to the music room to practice the violin. I was planning to participate in several competitions this year, so every practice session mattered.

It was another ordinary lunch break.

As I practiced alone in the music room, the door quietly slid open.

Ayaka walked in with a small plastic bag in her hand.

"I'm not interrupting, am I?"

"Not at all. Come in. What's in the bag?"

"The bell rang, and you left the classroom right away. I figured you hadn't eaten anything, so I stopped by the cafeteria and bought you something."

"You didn't have to do that. Really."

"It's no trouble." She smiled. "Besides, there's something I wanted to ask you."

I opened the sandwich she had brought while looking at her.

"What is it?"

"Do you know Kaito?"

"Kaito..." I thought for a moment. "Oh, the tall center on the basketball team?"

"Yeah, him."

"What about him? Is he skipping practice this week?"

Ayaka shook her head.

"No, it's not that."

She hesitated for a second before continuing.

"Has he ever told you that he has a girlfriend?"

I blinked.

"No. He's never mentioned anything like that."

Then a thought crossed my mind.

"Wait... don't tell me you have a crush on him. Sorry, but I haven't even talked to Souta about Nozomi yet. There's no way I could bring you up to Kaito."

Ayaka let out a long sigh.

"You idiot."

"We're already dating."

For a moment, my brain stopped working.

"Hold on... You two are dating? Since when?"

"He asked me out last weekend."

"And I said yes."

A smile naturally appeared on my face.

"Congratulations."

"I haven't known him for very long, but he seems like a good guy. Whenever we play basketball together, I've never seen him act disrespectfully. He's always treated both his teammates and opponents with respect."

"Thank you."

She smiled softly before changing the subject.

"Now it's your turn."

"Tell me about Nozomi."

"You have to promise you won't tell anyone."

"I promise."

"Nozomi likes Souta."

"But she thinks he might already have a girlfriend, so she's too afraid to confess. She asked me to help her. I was planning to talk to Souta during basketball practice this week, but I've been putting it off because of the exams. I really need to focus on studying."

"I see."

Ayaka nodded.

"I'll talk to Nozomi too. Maybe I can help through Kaito."

She turned toward the door.

"Anyway, I won't keep you from practicing any longer."

"Good luck."

"Thanks. See you in class."

"See you."

After she left, the music room became quiet once again.

I rested my violin on my lap.

Why did she suddenly tell me she was dating Kaito?

Did I do something that gave her the wrong idea?

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't come up with an answer.

I shook my head.

This isn't the time to dwell on something like that.

The midterms were coming up.

And I still had to go to the hospital this weekend.

...

Still, there was one thing I was certain of.

I should keep a little more distance from girls.

Maybe that was the safest choice.

I couldn't focus on my afternoon classes.

No matter how hard I tried, my thoughts kept drifting to the hospital visit waiting for me this weekend.

After school, Souta and I headed to the library as usual.

Normally, we'd spend the entire walk joking around or talking about whatever came to mind.

Today...

Neither of us said much.

He must have noticed something was wrong.

About forty minutes after we started studying, he suddenly grabbed my arm.

"Come on."

Before I knew it, we were sitting on a bench outside the library.

He looked at me with a worried expression.

"What's wrong, Umut? You've been acting strange all day. If I'd known, we could've skipped the library. Are you sick or something?"

I forced a small smile.

"It's nothing like that."

I hesitated before continuing.

"...I'm just nervous."

"Nervous?"

"About the hospital this weekend."

"Wait..."

A grin slowly spread across his face.

"You?"

He burst out laughing.

"You're scared of a hospital?"

"Oh, come on."

I rolled my eyes.

"Don't laugh."

"I can't help it." He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "What are you afraid of? The nurses being ugly?"

I couldn't help laughing.

"Seriously? That's the first thing that comes to your mind?"

"What? A guy can dream."

"Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Nope."

He shrugged.

"A few girls have tried talking to me during breaks, but I never gave them a chance."

"So you're not interested in dating?"

"I am."

He leaned back against the bench.

"Honestly, I'd like to have a girlfriend someday."

"Everyone around us seems to have one except me."

"Kaito started dating Ayaka last weekend."

"I know."

"Ayaka told me during lunch."

I looked down at the ground.

"...To be honest, it felt a little strange."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know..."

"It felt like she was trying to make sure I knew she had a boyfriend."

"Like she thought you were hitting on her?"

"Something like that."

Souta thought for a moment before nodding.

"You've gotten pretty popular since transferring here."

"It's only been a couple of months, but people already know you."

"And you're friendly with everyone."

"Maybe she just misunderstood your personality."

"Maybe."

I let out a quiet sigh.

"But I've never looked at any of them that way."

"I don't think I ever will."

Souta laughed.

"I figured that out during my first week."

"You've known Nozomi for years, and you've never once confessed to her."

"If you didn't see her that way, I doubt you're secretly flirting with every girl in school."

I smirked.

"You sure praise Nozomi a lot."

"Should I be worried?"

He blinked.

"...What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

I stood up and stretched.

"We should get back inside."

"If we waste any more time, the midterms are going to destroy us."

He laughed as he stood up too.

"Yeah..."

"You're right."

We studied until eight that evening.

After getting home, I kept studying until two in the morning.

Maybe I was trying to prepare for the exams.

Or maybe...

I was just looking for something to keep my mind away from the hospital.

I barely managed to make it to school that morning.

Staying up until two in the morning to study had finally caught up with me. The moment the first class started, I rested my head on my desk...

...and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.

Just as my dream was getting to the good part, I felt someone poke my shoulder.

Once.

Then again.

I shot upright.

"Whoever keeps poking me is going to regret it!"

The classroom fell silent.

Still half asleep, I turned my head—

—and found the Student Council Secretary glaring at me.

The sleep vanished from my body instantly.

"I-I'm so sorry!"

I hurried to my feet and bowed.

"My sincerest apologies, Secretary. Did you need something?"

"The President wants to see you."

Her tone was as cold as ever.

"Come with me."

"Huh? But... isn't the second period about to start?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"It's lunch break."

"..."

"You slept through the entire morning."

I looked around the classroom.

It was empty.

...Seriously?

I'd actually slept through every class.

And somehow...

No one had bothered to wake me up.

"Are you coming or not?"

The secretary's voice snapped me back to reality.

I nodded and followed her.

The moment I stepped into the Student Council room, the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the air.

The President greeted me with a warm smile.

"Have a seat."

He placed a cup of coffee in front of me.

"Thank you."

After taking a sip, I looked at him.

"May I ask why you wanted to see me?"

He folded his hands together on the desk.

"We've heard that you've been practicing the violin in the music club room every lunch break."

"That's correct."

"I'm planning to participate in several violin competitions this year."

"I've competed before and even won a few awards."

"I'd like to do that again."

The President nodded.

"I understand."

"Unfortunately, the school administration has recently introduced a new policy."

"From now on, club rooms will only be open during official club hours."

I let out a quiet sigh.

"Would it be possible to ask the principal to make an exception?"

"I'm afraid we already tried."

He answered without hesitation.

"In fact, we spoke to him on your behalf before calling you here."

"But he rejected our request."

"..."

"I see."

For a moment, the room fell silent.

Then I took another sip of coffee.

"By the way..."

"This coffee is amazing."

"Where is it from?"

The Secretary stared at me in disbelief.

"We've been trying to help you..."

"And that's your first question?"

I gave a helpless shrug.

"When something disappoints me..."

"I'd rather joke about it than dwell on it."

The President chuckled quietly.

"I can understand that."

"Which is why my wonderful secretary and I came up with another solution."

I blinked.

"A solution?"

He smiled.

"Starting next Monday, you're free to practice your violin here during lunch breaks."

I looked around the room.

"...Here?"

"In the Student Council room?"

"That's right."

"But there's one condition."

"If your grades start dropping because of it, I'll have no choice but to revoke that privilege."

A smile spread across my face before I even realized it.

"Really?"

"Thank you so much."

"I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

"I'm glad to hear that."

The President stood up, signaling that the meeting was over.

"I won't take up any more of your time."

"I should probably go grab some lunch."

"And... thank you for the coffee."

"See you on Monday, Umut."

"See you then, Mr. President."

I quickly headed out to the courtyard.

As soon as I stepped outside, I spotted Nozomi and the others sitting beneath a tree, eating lunch together.

I walked over and took a seat beside them.

"Umut?" Nozomi looked at me in surprise. "When did you wake up?"

"I wouldn't exactly call it waking up."

I let out an exaggerated sigh.

"Let's just say an angel came down from heaven and rescued me."

"And thanks for leaving me asleep all morning, by the way."

"I'll be counting on you guys for today's notes when we study at the library."

Haruka giggled and slid her bento toward me.

"Would you like some? You haven't eaten anything, have you?"

"Thanks, Haruka."

I looked inside the lunch box.

"As always, your bento looks incredibly neat."

"And it smells amazing."

"Thank you."

She replied with a shy smile.

I looked around.

"Looks like Ayaka isn't here today."

"Is she with her boyfriend?"

"Huh?" Haruka blinked.

"How do you know about that?"

"Ayaka told me yesterday."

"She stopped by the music room during lunch."

Then I turned to Nozomi.

"Oh, and Nozomi..."

"You might actually have a chance."

"Souta doesn't have a girlfriend."

"And judging by the way he talked about you yesterday..."

"I think he likes you too."

Nozomi's eyes widened.

"Really?"

"You're not joking, are you?"

I shook my head.

"No."

"We talked at the library yesterday."

"I even brought up the two of you."

"And?"

Haruka leaned forward curiously.

"He misunderstood what I meant at first."

"But we cleared it up afterward."

"By the way..."

"I won't be practicing in the music club room during lunch anymore."

"The Student Council is letting me use their room instead."

Nozomi stared at me in surprise.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"I got lucky."

"I'll probably need to buy a new violin tomorrow."

"Before going to the hospital?"

Haruka asked.

"Yeah."

"I'll buy it first, then head to the hospital."

"I see..."

Trying to change the subject, I glanced at the extra bento beside Haruka.

"By the way..."

"Whose bento is that?"

"Were you waiting for someone?"

Haruka nodded.

"I made it for my boyfriend."

"He's still at soccer practice."

"He'll come pick it up when he's done."

I stared at her for a moment.

"...You have a boyfriend too?"

"I had no idea."

I let out another dramatic sigh.

"I guess I should start bringing my own lunch."

"It feels wrong eating everyone else's food when all of you have someone waiting for you."

Haruka smiled and shook her head.

"Don't worry."

"I don't mind."

"I'm always happy to share."

I smiled back.

"Thanks."

Then I turned to Nozomi again.

"You should confess to Souta after midterms."

She gently shook her head.

"I think summer would be a better time."

"I don't think I'll be ready right after the exams."

"If that's what you want."

I stood up and stretched.

"Anyway, I should head back."

"Break's almost over."

"I want to look over today's lesson before class starts."

"See you in class."

After school, I spent the entire afternoon studying at the library.

Just like the day before, I stayed there until eight in the evening. When I got home, I continued studying until one in the morning before finally collapsing into bed.

Around nine the next morning, my father woke me up.

"Are you ready?"

I already knew what he meant.

"...Yeah."

It wasn't like I had a choice.

Today was an important day.

I opened my closet and carefully took out the suit that had been neatly folded inside. After ironing it, I got dressed.

My father had already left for work, so after making sure everything was ready, I left the house on my own.

Before heading to the hospital...

There was one place I wanted to visit.

A violin shop.

The moment I stepped inside, I was captivated.

The store was far larger than I had expected.

Violins, pianos, guitars, flutes...

Almost every instrument imaginable was displayed with great care.

An elderly shopkeeper walked toward me with a gentle smile.

"That's quite an elegant outfit for visiting a music shop, young man."

I smiled politely.

"Thank you."

"I'm actually on my way somewhere important after this."

"I see."

"What instrument are you looking for today?"

"A violin."

"I'm not working with a budget."

"I simply want to find the one that feels right."

"The one that resonates with me."

The old man studied me for a moment.

"Do you have any experience playing?"

I smiled.

"Would you like me to demonstrate?"

"I'd be delighted."

"Please, show me what you can do."

He handed me a violin.

I spent a few moments getting used to its feel before placing it beneath my chin.

Then...

I began playing Bach's Chaconne.

The melody filled the quiet shop.

After listening for a short while, the shopkeeper gently raised a hand.

"That's enough."

He gave me an apologetic smile.

"Please excuse me for a moment."

"I need to check something in the back."

About twenty-five minutes later, he returned.

In his hands was a violin unlike any I'd ever seen.

"This violin was crafted in Italy in the early twentieth century."

"The bow was made in Japan."

"I believe it suits you perfectly."

He hesitated before continuing.

"And... I owe you an apology for making you wait."

"For a moment, I thought you looked familiar."

"You won first place at the international competition in France, didn't you?"

"So it really was you."

I let out a faint smile.

"I'm happy to be recognized."

"But I'd rather people remember my music than my face."

The old man nodded with admiration.

"A wonderful way of thinking."

"I'm certain you'll win many more competitions in the future."

I gently shook my head.

"To be honest..."

"Winning doesn't matter much to me anymore."

"I still perform because music is the only thing that lets me forget what's inside me."

"But..."

"I won't deny that being recognized feels nice."

The old man smiled warmly.

"I hope to see you here again."

"So do I."

After paying for the violin, I carefully carried the case out of the shop.

Then...

I headed straight for the hospital.

I had hated hospitals ever since I was a child.

There were many reasons for that.

But the biggest one was that I had never truly been able to live a normal childhood.

Because of my mother's treatment, we were constantly moving from one city to another, and sometimes even to different countries. Summer vacations didn't mean beaches or playing with friends.

They meant hospital corridors.

Waiting rooms.

Doctor's offices.

As a result, I never stayed in one school long enough to make close friends.

I pushed open the hospital's automatic doors.

The familiar smell of disinfectant immediately filled the air.

I walked over to the reception desk and gave them my name.

The receptionist handed me a visitor's pass along with my mother's room number.

I slipped the pass into my pocket and headed toward the elevator.

Each step felt heavier than the last.

My mother had advanced-stage sarcoma.

A rare type of cancer that begins in the body's connective tissues—such as bones, muscles, fat, cartilage, blood vessels, and nerves—and eventually spreads to other parts of the body.

For seven years...

We searched for a cure.

From city to city.

From country to country.

We tried everything we could.

But nothing was able to save her.

In the end, my mother had only one wish.

She wanted to spend the rest of her life in the hospital of her hometown.

So...

We came back.

I stopped in front of her hospital room.

My hand rested on the doorknob.

I took a deep breath...

...and slowly opened the door.

The sharp scent of disinfectant mixed with medicine filled my lungs.

I couldn't bring myself to raise my head.

I quietly stepped inside.

"Welcome, my son."

The moment I heard her voice...

I looked up.

Tears were already streaming down my face.

My mother was smiling at me.

That gentle, exhausted smile...

Was worth an entire lifetime.

I wanted nothing more than to run over and hold her.

But...

I couldn't.

I took a seat beside her bed.

My mother was lying right in front of me.

The bed had been raised to help her breathe more comfortably.

It was enough.

I could see her face.

"Mom..."

"How are you?"

"You're still as beautiful as ever."

"You haven't changed at all."

"The doctors are taking good care of you, aren't they?"

"You're not in too much pain... are you?"

A gentle smile appeared on her face.

"You've only been here for a few minutes, and you're already asking me so many questions."

"You've always been like that."

She looked at me with the same warm eyes I remembered from my childhood.

"Now tell me..."

"Why did it take you so long to come see me?"

I lowered my head.

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"I couldn't bring myself to come."

"I was scared."

"Every night, I went to bed afraid that my phone would ring..."

"...and that someone would tell me you were gone before I could see you again."

My voice trembled.

"I wish we could all live together again."

"I don't want anything else."

"I just want you."

"I miss the breakfasts you used to make for me."

"I miss seeing you smile."

"I even miss being scolded by you."

"I miss you so much, Mom."

"I want to hug you."

"I want to breathe in your scent one more time."

"But I can't."

"I wish I were stronger."

She smiled as if she wanted to reassure me.

"But you are."

"You've always been brave in my eyes, my son."

Her eyes slowly moved to the violin case beside my chair.

"Is that your new violin?"

I nodded.

"I bought it this morning."

A gentle smile spread across her face.

"Would you play something for your mother?"

"I couldn't be there for your competition in France."

"I'd love to hear you play with my own ears."

My mother had asked me for the one thing I loved most.

To play the violin for her.

There was no way I could refuse.

As soon as I took my new violin out of its case, one piece immediately came to mind.

Jules Massenet's Méditation.

Before I began, I gently plucked the strings to tune the instrument.

Plink...

Plink...

The soft sound of the strings blended with the steady beep... beep... of the machines surrounding my mother.

Slowly, I drew the bow across the strings.

The opening melody of Méditation—so delicate that it felt like a single breath—quietly filled the room.

As the music spread through the silence, my mother's eyelids slowly closed.

The exhaustion on her face seemed to melt away, as though she had entrusted every ounce of it to the music.

With every stroke of the bow...

I poured the weight of those seven long years into the strings.

The apology for all the nights I couldn't bring myself to visit her.

The unbearable fear I felt every time my phone rang.

The thought of losing her...

The feelings I could never put into words.

My violin whispered them for me.

Then came the middle of the piece.

The melody slowly climbed, carrying both sorrow and quiet strength.

A single tear escaped my eye and landed on the polished body of the violin.

In that moment...

I remembered the empty seat in France.

The seat my mother should have been sitting in.

Even though she couldn't be there...

I had always believed her heart was beside me.

My grip on the bow tightened.

The notes grew stronger.

More passionate.

It was my rebellion against her illness.

A silent scream against everything that was trying to take her away from me.

Eventually...

The melody softened once again.

It returned to the same peaceful acceptance with which it had begun.

The sound of the violin became so gentle that it seemed to merge with the quiet rhythm of the oxygen machine...

Until both disappeared into the silence together.

As the final note faded away and I lowered my bow, the room fell silent.

Only the steady beep... beep... of the monitors remained.

Somehow...

They no longer sounded cold or unsettling.

I slowly opened my eyes.

My mother was looking at me.

Her eyes glistened with tears, yet a gentle smile rested on her lips.

The same smile I remembered from those mornings when she'd make breakfast for me.

Slowly, she reached out from beneath the blanket with her frail hand.

I immediately set my violin beside the bed and knelt next to her.

Gently, I took her hand in both of mine.

It felt so fragile.

A little cold...

Yet it was still the safest place in the world for me.

"That was beautiful, my son," she whispered.

Her voice was barely louder than a breath, yet every word shook my heart.

"No wonder you conquered France..."

I leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead.

Her scent...

Even beneath the smell of medicine and disinfectant, I could still find it.

The scent of my childhood.

The scent of home.

My mother's scent.

I closed my eyes and breathed it in one more time.

At that moment...

I finally found the courage I had been searching for.

I wasn't afraid anymore.

There was only this moment.

The nurses must have heard the sound of my violin.

A few of them quietly entered the room.

One of them looked at me with a sympathetic smile.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"Visiting hours are over."

I gave a small nod.

Carefully, I placed the violin back into its case.

Before leaving, I looked at my mother one last time.

"I'll come back."

"I promise."

She answered with nothing more than that same gentle smile.

The moment I stepped out of the room...

The tears I'd been holding back finally escaped.

I couldn't even tell whether I was crying from happiness or sorrow anymore.

For seven years...

I had practiced the violin with only one wish.

To play for my mother.

No one needed to explain how serious her condition was.

I had already seen the truth in her eyes the moment I walked into that room.

I couldn't even remember how I made it home that day.

I spent the rest of the afternoon crying alone in my room.

When my father came home that evening, he must have heard me.

He didn't ask me what had happened.

He didn't say a single word.

He simply walked over...

...and wrapped me in his arms.

For the first time in years...

I cried like a child.

I couldn't sleep that night.

I took my new violin out of its case once more.

The bow rested in my hand.

My fingers lay quietly on the strings.

But...

I couldn't play a single note.

Because today...

I had finally done the one thing I had wished for my entire life.

I had played for my mother.

Slowly, I placed the violin back into its case.

I walked over to the window and stared into the night.

The sky was completely dark.

Not a single star could be seen.

I stood there for what felt like forever.

My mind was empty.

Or maybe...

For the first time...

It was too full.

I couldn't tell the difference anymore.

...

Monday.

I would go back to school.

I'd talk with my friends.

I'd study.

I'd play the violin.

I'd live...

As if nothing had happened.

But...

Something inside me was changing.

Quietly.

Little by little.

I just couldn't give it a name yet.

Or maybe...

I didn't want to.