The Talk

“Nobody is trying to trick you, Christina.”

“Right…”

“What is it that you want?”

“What ever do you mean, Sarah? It was you who wanted to talk to me…”

The therapist allowed herself a thin smile at the response and shook her head.

“As I said before, Ashlie tells me that you fronted while she was at the concert.”

“Is that so?”

“Did you? Did you present the night that she went out?”

“Did she tell you what actually happened?”

Dr. Hayz said nothing.

“Well, Sarah? Did she say why? Did she say what it was that allowed me to step in?”

“Allowed?”

“You heard me.”

“What happened, Christina?”

Ashlie smirked, the corner of her mouth lifting slightly.

“You said you were allowed to present, so something must have happened. Was it the fact that Ashlie strayed from her routine?” Dr. Hayz asked.

“You’re fishing...”

“I just want to know what it is that happened.”

“You want to know if I broke my word.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“And you wouldn’t, would you?”

“The thought never crossed my mind.”

“Excuse me if I don’t trust you.”

“What happened that evening, Christina?”

Ashlie’s lips pursed, and there was a moment of silence.

“She was assaulted...”

Taking a deep breath, the therapist studied the face of the girl in front of her. Looking for any sign jest or deceit, she was unsure if she would be able catch even a micro-expression while her patient was in her current state. Ashlie’s facial expression only seemed to change when Christina emphasized certain words while she spoke, and only on purpose.

“Are you saying that Ashlie was attacked?” she asked, trying not to sound surprised.

“Not exactly, Sarah, but the body can’t tell the difference.” Christina’s voice was that of feigned innocence.

“I don’t follow.”

“I only saw what she saw, which was the floor as she fell. I can say this though; that she was jolted, like she was shoved. First, she was startled and then hit hard. Hard enough to knock her to the ground.”

“I see.” Dr. Hayz picked up her pen and wrote something on her notepad.

“The guy sitting next to her was drinking. Maybe he fell into her.”

“And that’s assault?”

“I told you, Sarah, what I observed; and the body cannot tell the difference. I can only see what she sees and feel what she feels. She got scared, and then she ended up on the floor. That meets the conditions of the agreement she and I made, doesn’t it?”

The therapist said nothing.

“Does that not meet the criteria, Sarah?”

There was a pause, the question hanging in the air.

“Sarah…” Christina spoke her name in a sing-song voice.

“It does,” Dr Hayz said finally, stifling a sigh. “And it does explain why you presented that evening.”

“Stepped in, Sarah. And I followed your rules.”

“My rules?”

“They were your terms, weren’t they? You did mediate the agreement.”

Ashlie sneered as the word ‘agreement’ was spoken.

“Yes, I did. It is my job to help you both come to a place where you can coexist with one another, and that is what I was doing.”

“You tell yourself that if it helps you to sleep at night…”

Dr. Hayz watched a sneer cross her patient’s face, while at the same time her jaw clenched. She waited a moment for her features to soften before she spoke again, not wanting to get off-subject.

“But you’ve switched several times since then, haven’t you, Christina?” The therapist said, “Hence my question: what is it that you want?”

Ashlie’s lips parted and she inhaled sharply before exhaling slowly, her breathing becoming normal again.

“I want a life, Sarah!” Christina hissed, her voice was a low growl, seething with hatred. “ I want her life! I want what she has… what she wastes! I want what I have to sit by and watch her take for granted every single day! I’ve spent years trapped inside the empty box that is her mind with nothing to do but watch as our host alter hides from her pathetic life.”

Silence hung heavy in the air for several moments.

“I see…” The therapist spoke slowly. “So, you think Ashlie should be doing something more with her life?”

“Not at all.”

“Then what-”

“You know, Sarah, I couldn’t care less what she does with her excuse of an existence. But I’m tired of being a spectator. It makes me sick, and I’m done with it. That night was the first time I have stepped to the front in years, and it was fucking amazing.”

“What happened that night, Christina?” Dr. Hayz set the ink pen she held onto the notepad on her lap. She wanted to give her full attention to what was being said.

“We’ve already been over this. She got scared and then ended up being pushed and falling to the ground.Wwhich as we have both agreed, met the conditions you gave me for stepping in.”

“And that was amazing?”

Dr. Hayz could hear the girl’s eyes roll in the sigh she exhaled. She watched Ashlie’s lips purse as she sighed.

“No, Sarah,” Christina said contemptuously. “It was infuriating… I picked myself up off of the floor, and then couldn’t even do anything about our having pushed down.”

“Oh?”

“Of course not.” Christina sounded disgusted. “The idiot who had pushed us was obviously drunk. And between he and his friends apologizing, asking if I was ok, and offering to buy me a drink, I couldn’t get a word in. The first time I’m allowed to step back in, and I can’t do anything because what happened was an accident.”

“I am glad to hear that there was no physical confrontation,” the therapist said quietly, looking at Ashlie’s face, watching for even the slightest movement in her features. “And I thank you for that, Christina. Truly, I do.”

Though Christina said nothing, she could still sense the girl’s irritation. As the splinter of her patient’s psyche that had formed solely for the purpose of defending Ashlie from physical abuse, Dr. Hayz could understand that it must have been difficult to present for what turned out to be no real threat at all.

“What happened next?” she asked. “Did you let the gentleman buy you a drink?”

“Gentleman?” Christina scoffed. “He could barely stand without help from the others with him.”

Dr Hayz waited patiently.

“I got out of there,” Christina said casually.

“You left the venue?”

“I’d seen the first half of the show, Sarah, and even without sound it was crap. The seats were terrible, and except for the ‘gentleman’, as you called him, and his friends, there was no one even near us.”

“I take it this is where things got amazing…?” The muscles in the doctor’s jaw tightened as she heard herself speak. She could hear the building irritation in her own voice. It was far from the first time she’d interacted with the alter, but still, this time was affecting her usually calm demeanor.

There was a pause, then Ashlie’s face smirked.

“Sarcasm doesn’t look good on you, Sara.” There was a hint of amusement in Christina’s dusky voice.

“I’m… merely enquiring.”

“Of course you are,” Christina quipped. “And yes, for your information, it was absolutely amazing; to breathe freely and to walk around on my own after being a prisoner for so long.”

“Do you really see yourself as a prisoner, Christina?”

“Really? Do you not? What the hell would you call being trapped inside her, watching her timidly fuck up her life, day in and day out?” Christina’s rose slightly. “Do you know what that’s like, Sarah? Can you even imagine what it’s like to sit backseat while the alter who should be where I’m forced to be, gets to walk free? …and on top of it, that crap you give her, fucking her up even more…”

From the corner of Ashlie’s closed eye, a tear rolled down her temple to her ear.

“Would you like to trade places with me, Sarah? Because it’s hell… it is absolute hell.”

“And what happened after you left the concert?” Dr. Hayz picked up the conversation where they’d left off. Again, she didn’t want to get too far off topic, as the alter seemed willing to talk to her about the night that Ashlie had no recollection of. If she could get a bit more information, it might shed some light onto the reason for the recent actions of the alter.

Christina said nothing for several moments. The features on Ashlie’s face slowly softened. Her brows unfurrowed and she exhaled a long breathe, a smile touching the corners of her mouth.

“I walked around in the parking lot for a while,” Christina spoke as though she was describing a pleasant stroll in the park, “and then I went to a bar.”

Dr. Hayz’s brows rose.

“A- a bar?” she stammered. “Where did you go?”

“Oh, just across the street. I could hear music coming from a little place in the strip mall across from the building I came out of, so I headed that way.”

“And they let you in?”

A chuckle escaped Ashlie’s lips.

“And why wouldn’t they, Sarah? I look the part, don’t I? And I had her ID in my pocket.”

Dr. Hayz felt her face warm slightly. So engrossed in the conversation, it had slipped her mind that it was the patient on the sofa beside her whose body had entered the bar, even if it were a much younger personality in control of it. She pressed on:

“And how was it, your first time in a bar?”

“Well, to tell the truth, at first, it was terrible,” Christina replied, not hiding her scorn. “There was music, but the singer was very drunk, and not good at all. It was crowded and I had to push my way through all these people to get to the bar…”

“Ashlie doesn’t drink…” the therapist said, more to herself than to the alter. Her body went cold as she wondered just how much Christina had consumed, and if it had affected the medication her patient was on. “Alcohol can be very dangerous, especially if you-”

“Calm down, Sarah, I didn’t get that far.”

Her fist clenched, Dr. Hayz thought back on the conversation she’d had with Ashlie when she’d come to her telling her about waking the day after the concert with no memory of leaving it or getting home. Recalling what Ashlie had relayed to her, she wasn’t sure if she believed the alter or not.

“So, what happened?” she asked.

Christina’s face broke into a smile.

“I met a boy.”

At this bit of information, Dr. Hayz’s mind began to race. She had to remind herself that the story wasn’t over, while at the same time quashing the worry that the alter may possibly have done something that could have traumatized her host.

“A boy? How did you meet him?” Trying to sound more interested than like an interrogating mother, Dr. Hayz spoke. “Does this boy have a name?”

At this, Christina began to speak a bit excitedly, like a teenager speaking to a friend.

“You wouldn’t believe it,” she said. “I was trying to get through the crowd, and I tripped over someone’s foot or something, and this guy caught me before I could fall. His name was Brandon. He dropped his drink when he caught me, and it spilled all over his jacket. And he was so nice to me…”

As Christina pause to take a breath, the smile remained on her face.

“Brandon…” Dr. Hayz said thoughtfully, writing the name down. “And was this, Brandon, a gentleman?”

She emphasized the word gentleman, as Christina had scoffed at the word before.

There was a pause, and Ashlie’s smile turned to a smirk.

“Again with the sarcasm,” Christina said, her voice flat. “And yes, he was a gentleman. He wasn’t drunk at all. And we had such a good talk, and such a good time.”

“…and he bought you drinks?” Dr. Hayz asked, hoping that now she could obtain more info on how much the alter had imbibed that night.

“In fact, I bought him a drink, to replace the one he spilled when he caught me.” Christina spoke matter-of-factly, a hint of irritation in her tone. “So, I bought my own drink. And I didn’t even finish it.”

“Are you sure? I’m not trying to keep tabs, but Ashlie mentioned that when she woke up the next morning, her clothes smelled like alcohol, and she described what sounded like a hangover.”

“I said I had only one drink.” Cristina’s voice became angry. “Don’t call me a liar, Sarah!”

“Christina, nobody is calling you a liar. I’m as concerned for your wellbeing as I am Ashlie’s. Her recount of things and yours are a bit off, so I am just trying to make sense of it.”

“Brandon gave me a ride home,” Christina said defensively. “So, I had to sit on his jacket… the one he spilled his drink on…”

The therapist nodded slowly. The answer was plausible.

“Why did you sit on his jacket if it was wet?” she asked, this time out of curiosity.

“It was either that or soak the shirt I was wearing.” Christina sounded as though she’d grown weary of the topic.

Dr. Hayz again said nothing, trying in vain to decipher the girl’s words.

“We were on his motorcycle, Sarah… so it was either hold on to him while he wore the wet jacket or sit on it. I chose a wet ass instead of letting him get wet as well. He was giving me a ride home after all.”

“That makes sense,” Dr. Hayz murmured. It did explain the clothes. And the more she thought about it, it wouldn’t have taken much to give her patient a hangover. As far as she knew, Ashlie had never had alcohol before. It all seemed reasonable.

“I’m not a liar…”

“I apologize, Christina. I did not know the whole story, and I misunderstood.”

The corner of Ashlie’s mouth raised ever so slightly.

Dr. Hayz watched as her face again went expressionless. She watched the soft but steady rise and fall of her patient’s chest for several moments in silence. Scanning her face again, she noted a slight movement of Ashlie’s eyes behind their closed lids.

“Christina?”

There was a moment of silence.

“Christina…?

“Yes, Sarah.” It was more an annoyed statement than a reply.

“I do apologize for the misunderstanding.”

“Ok…”

“May I ask you another question?”

“It’s what you do, isn’t it? You’re the doctor.”

“I now understand what happened that night.” Clenching her fist again, Dr. Hayz nodded slowly, thinking about her next words.

“That’s not a question, Sarah.”

Dr. Hayz slowly exhaled a long breath, irritated with herself for letting the alter get under her skin even though she very well knew what to expect from her.

“My question is this: what triggered the switches after that night? Did something happen that Ashlie failed to mention?”

“No, Sarah.”

“Then what happened? You’ve ‘stepped forward’ a few times since then, haven’t you? What happened to the agreement we came to?”

Ashlie’s chest continued its gentle rise and fall.

“I told you, I’m done watching.”

“But you-”

“I’m done, Sarah. There is no more agreement.” Christina’s voice steady and low. “Do you really think those fucking narcotics you give her keep me at bay? I spent years trapped in her mind, and not because you made her stupid with pills. I stayed put because I gave her my word that I would. I just had no idea at the time that it would be so long until I was able to come out again…”

“And now it’s ok to go back your word?” Dr. Hayz asked.

“Don’t!” Christina’s voice rose sharply, causing the doctor to jump in her seat. “I am not a liar, and I never fucking go back on my word!”

“Then what is this, Christina? What do you call your switching without provocation these last few weeks?”

“Damn it, Sarah!” Cristina’s voice trembled with anger and emotion. “As per your precious agreement almost seven years ago, I did not step forward again ‘until I was needed’. Two conditions you gave: she was afraid, and she was attacked. I kept my word for close to seven years!”

“Yes,” the doctor said calmly, “that was the agreement. And truthfully, you did surprise me in that you kept it for so long. That night at the concert, the conditions we discussed were met, so your switch was justified, but now-”

“There is no now, Sarah!”

“Excuse me?”

“I did not step out until your conditions were met...”

“But they’re no longer being met.”

“The agreement, Sarah, was that I would not step forward again until I was needed. Those were your words, seven years ago. You were very clear on that, but you never said anything about after those conditions were met...”

Inhaling a deep breath, Dr. Hayz pursed her lips for a moment. The alter was not incorrect. It had never crossed her mind to stipulate anything further.

“And? So, what now?” she asked.

“It’s my turn, Sarah. I’ve had a little taste of the freedom she takes for granted, and I want more. I deserve it.”

“And what of Ashlie?”

“What of her?” Christina said, nonchalantly. “She’s a child. Life scares her. I have lived more in the past couple weeks than she has her entire life. Do you even know the last time she was with a boy?”

“It’s her life to live how she wants, Christina.”

“It’s my life as well! Seven years, Sarah… I’ll never get that time back.”

“But do you really think it’s fair-”

“Fuck fair!” Christina’s voice, full of emotion, cracked. “Fuck her! And fuck you!”

Ashlie’s body suddenly jolted violently and she flinched. Her eyes sprang open, tears streaming from them and she gasped, fighting to sit up while simultaneously trying to cover her face as if to protect herself from being hit.

Restraining herself from reaching out to comfort her patient, Dr. Hayz could only watch in sympathetic horror as Ashlie struggled, her body straining for another few moments before she rolled onto her side, drawing her knees and curling into a ball.