Bloody Guilt

It’s cold…

My body is so cold…

I have to…get help…

Though, through the pain, I’m barely able to move on the ground. The voices start to quiet down, no one is near. My vision blurs. I smell blood.

And here I thought…winter was over.

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“Five, then, fifteen…”

One after the other, I count the several coins I earned today. Quite a sum has gathered, actually. Though, it’s less than usual.

“No matter. Knowing what a pro she is at this, Alyssa probably got enough to meet a good quota for today. I should probably return.”

I wish I had a watch…

Since watches are a luxury here, I wasn’t able to afford one, and probably won’t be able to for a long time. Best would be something like a large clock somewhere telling the time for everyone, but no. Instead, I have to pass through streets, searching for one hanging by a shop that was able to afford one.

Squishing through the large crowds, I finally found one after a bit.

“Half past seven…Already?”

I mean, it is kind of getting dark, but this late? I really gotta get back to Alyssa.

Luckily, the agreed upon place where we’d meet isn’t too far from the block I was selling in.

However, once I arrived, there was no one here besides me.

With a furrowed brow I look around, checking every corner or alley near me, but she wasn’t anywhere. I don’t think she would be even later than me…

After a few more minutes have passed, I grow ever so impatient.

“I remember she went that way.”

With my restlessness overwhelming me, I make my way down the main road, continuing my search for the feline.

How far north would she have gone? Picking a random alley, I move away from the main street, entering the dark backstreets.

The crackling of fire is the only sound here, despite the amount of people gathered in these parts. Moving along them and passing the homeless that sit and lay on the ground is still unnerving to me.

Once I find a smaller, less filled alley, I hesitantly approach a man with a big beard and soft hat, comparable to a beanie.

“Excuse me, sir.”

The man looks up with one eye, saying nothing.

“Have you perhaps seen a blond neko straddling around here? If so, do you know which way she went?”

The man shakes his head.

“Alright, thank you regardless.”

He then stretches out his open palms, looking at me expectantly.

I don’t have time for this…

With rolled eyes, I lay a coin onto his hands, leaving just as quickly.

The same spiel would go on and on until I find myself in a block I’ve never been in. However, in one of the backstreets, I manage to spot someone smoking something. It must be a blunt.

“Sir, did you get that from a blond neko?”

His eyes widened a little with surprise, answering with a raspy voice, “Y-yeah, what about it?”

“Do you know where she went?”

He points towards the end of the alley, his finger curling towards the right.

Without even thanking him, I quickly jog to the pointed direction, turning around the corner.

Alyssa lies there, peeking out of another passage with her face down and a blunt lying next to her. Did she have one too many herself?

“Hey Alyssa, wake up,” I call out.

No response.

“Alyssa?” I step closer.

Crouching down, I shake her shoulder slightly. In that moment, I feel something warm and slick clinging to my hand.

I turn my hand. It’s covered in blood. Still warm and covering my whole palm.

“Alyssa?” I ask once again without processing my smeared hand.

No answer.

My heart starts to race.

My pulse quickens.

My breath heavies.

I quickly turn her on her back. There’s a clear puncture wound on her right shoulder. With trembling hands I fumble with my labcoat, struggling to get it off, before pressing it onto her shoulder, trying to stop the bleeding.

“Is there no one around?!”

From left to right there’s no one here. A quick peek into the alley I came from reveals that the guy that gave me directions also vanished.

“Shit!”

Haphazardly, I tie the coat around her shoulder, struggling to make something that resembles a bandage.

I pick her up, bringing us out of the dark backstreets. However, the main street is still too crowded to bring her anywhere. Returning to the alleys, I decide to carry her through here.

“What do I do?! Fuck!”

She needs to see a doctor, but I’ve never seen one in the city! Potions, maybe? But I don’t have enough cash on me. Goddammit!

Running like never before, I’ve arrived at the southern city gate. Even with her wound, the guards won’t bat an eye towards an injured neko. Bastards.

“I need to bring her home.”

Just as I was about to follow the main path, a change of mind comes up. The old alchemist would know what to do. Surely he has something that can help.

Still, it would take half an hour until I arrive at either house.

Looking down at the panting Alyssa, a panic breaks out within me. Unsure of what to do, I let my gut make the decision.

“Dammit!” I shout, running off the main path.

Halfway along the direction towards the alchemist brothers’ home, my body becomes weak. The initial adrenaline has worn off. Years spent at a desk certainly didn’t do me good. I'm not fit to carry a person for what is close to being an hour. I can’t even run anymore with such trembling legs.

But, I have to move on. I already see their tree in the distance.

I knock on the wooden door, the hollow inside of the bark answering back to me.

“Please be alright…” I whisper. gazing down at Alyssa again.

“Huh? Kid? What do you want now?” The old man, grumpy as ever, scratches his head.

“It’s Alyssa! She’s…”

He looks down at her, his eyes widening once he spots the make-shift bandage, already fully covered in blood.

“Please Boyle, help her…”

With a deep breath his face takes on a serious expression, “Get her to bed, quickly!”

I waste no time stepping inside, carrying her carefully up the stairs.

Two empty beds.

With even more caution, I slowly lay her down on one of them.

Finding a stool besides the bed, I sit down next to her, watching worriedly.

From downstairs, I hear the sound of fire being lit, the popping of glass and eventual pouring. A minute later, Boyle arrives with a vial in his hand, a pinkish, carbonated liquid swimming inside.

“Lift her head.”

I do as he says, warily raising her head, through difficult with my arms that have gotten numb from carrying her.

The mixture flows down her throat and I relax her head back on the pillow

A sigh of relief, however…

“Look kid, I don’t think she’ll make it.” He looks down at her with the same expression I had just moments ago.

“Wha- What do you mean she won’t make it?! Didn’t you just give her one of your freakish potions?!” I shout with curled fists.

Boyle stays silent.

“You gave her a healing potion, so why won’t she make it?!”

“That wasn’t a healing potion you amature! Such a potion doesn’t exist!” He nearly screams back, doubling even my volume.

“Huh?” My mouth hangs open, my face contorting to a look of dumbfoundedness.

There…are no healing potions? In this world…This magical nonsense! You’re telling me, in a world with mystical plants that make you fall asleep, machines that make a magical liquid out of nothing, and potions that can do anything you want…That there…is no healing potion?

After coming to my senses again, I seal my face behind my hands, leaving little gaps between my fingers so Alyssa is still in my field of view.

This is all my fault…

Of course it is. I should have known it wouldn’t be so easy selling drugs without consequences. And now she had to bear them, even though I dragged her into this…What was I even thinking?

“Who would do something like this?”

Even though I didn’t expect an answer, suddenly the alchemist hits me with a counter question.

“Who did you sell the medicine to?”

“Huh? Uh…Homeless people mostly. Anyone in the backalleys who wanted it.”

“Remember that you guys started selling them in the common drug mixture? This might be a bit far fetched, but what if a gang saw you guys selling it?”

Initially, I wouldn’t think so, especially since he doesn’t know the true nature of our ‘medicine’. Even so, the more I think about it, the more I think he could actually be right. Since we’re selling actual drugs, his idea might even be less far fetched than he thinks.

“Of course they wouldn’t want people cured, that would drive down the sales,” Boyle adds.

They might even have me in their sights. But, at this point…does it even matter? Looking at Alyssa, barely alive, is it still worth looking further into this? This guilt…it’s eating me up inside. I can’t help but repeating the same thought in my head, that….

“It’s my fault.”

The lingering silence grows heavy, begging to be filled with sorrys and excuses.

“If I hadn’t dragged her into this, if I just-”

Instantly, the old man’s caine crashes down on my head, a sharp pain lingering on the impact zone.

“Don’t give me that crap!” he yells at me with serious anger.

“You’re telling me it’s your fault?! Did you stab the neko into her shoulder? Did you leave her to bleed out? No you didn’t!”

Even though he’s right in that sense, this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t start with all this in the first place…

“Oh don’t give me that look, four-eyes. Don’t look down like a depressed can of sardines. Be angry! Curse the bastards that stabbed your partner! Light your heart ablaze!”

I…I didn’t expect this kind of pep talk from him of all people…

“But what should I do? I have no money, no strength…Not even the state can help me without evidence.”

“You’re right, you cannot depend on those things…But you’re smart. You have a fine brain up there, though you’re still a miserable alchemist.”

He’s right and I can’t evade it. I have to do something, even if Alyssa might not survive. They can’t get away with this.

“Thank you Boyle, truly.” I turn towards him with a light smile.

Standing up, I ask the alchemist, “Will you look after her?”

“I will.”

With one last glance at my neko partner, I leave the room, determined.