Are you sure this is our heroine?

So there I was, smoking on the job. I know I’m a terrible person for this, after all while my coworkers are busy keeping this castle afloat, I’m just sitting here smoking to relieve my anxiety. You gotta understand though, I can’t help it. You don’t know what it’s like. What it’s like to deal with her! You know what, maybe today will be different. Maybe my princess will finally come back to her senses...

“Uh, Bertha? It’s time, the princess is calling you.”

“I see, well then Melony, wish me luck.”

“I will, but just so you know. I think she’s at it again.”

“...Dammit.”

****

I began making my way from the maid quarters to the princess’ chambers, I decided to take my time and not rush. Mainly because Melony’s words terrified me, is the princess truly up to something sinister? I tried to push my thoughts away, only for them to be disrupted by the sound of yelling and a whip cracking.

“Put Your Backs Into It.”

I turned to see knights handling labor prisoners, if the prisoners’ work enough they’ll be able to go home. I would feel pity for them, but they did the crime so now they do-

“Th-This is wrong, what did we goblins ever do to you!?!”

I paused for a moment, don’t tell me. I ran out there to realize the labor prisoners were Goblins, they were dressed in small orange jumpsuits and carrying equipment larger than themselves. They’re also, sadly, victims of the princess’ so-called "righteousness". That didn’t stop me from jumping in to stop them.

“What the hell are you doing!?!”

“Huh? Oh, it’s the maid. What do you want?”

“Why are you enslaving the goblins? What about the peace treaty?”

“That’s why we’re doing this now, we’re getting labor out of them before reclaimers come to take them home. They should be thankful we’re giving them fresh air, after they planned to attack us.”

The captain’s unit began stomping and tapping their lances on the ground, I could only cringe seeing how stupid these people were. Don’t they realize the princess played them? I could only walk away, as I did I hear those poor goblins beg for my help. I felt tears fall from my eyes as I abandoned them. Sorry guys, my word won’t matter against hers and on top of that she signs my check. The Captain’s whip cracked hard against the ground as the goblins were forced to continue demolition. Sorry guys, the money’s too damn good!

****

As I left my poor green companions behind, someone ran into me as I was about to enter the main building.

“Ouch, hey watch where you’re going.”

“Sorry about that, oh hey Berry!”

Wait, that tone and that friendly demeanor! As I opened my eyes I saw Zeke the hero in front of me.

“Lord Zeke! What are you doing here and where are you going?”

“My beloved had another request for me, I’m off to slay a beholder king and take its eye. She said it would make a killer chandelier, anyway, see you later Berry.”

“Wait, a beholder king? Didn’t a regular beholder leave you on death’s door? Not to mention, you’re making a chandelier out of it!”

Zeke didn’t hear me, he just ran to do the princess’ bidding. She told him if he clears her grand quest list, she’d promote him to her husband. Like hell that would happen! I began walking inside the princess’ manor, only to take in the amount of boxes inside the main hall. Gods, did she order more useless junk? Is this coming out of my paycheck again? I took in a deep sigh as I made my way through the wreckage. Eventually I felt something strange squeeze beneath my foot, I looked down to see a hand surrounded by a pool of blood.

“...Oh My God!”

My hands were glued to my face as I realized the implications of what lay in front of me. The princess’ junk killed someone! We’re gonna get haunted for sure, dammit why’d it have to be me. As I hyperventilated, the body underneath all those boxes began to twitch.

“...It’s a zombie, Holy Sh-”

“Pipe down, it’s just me.”

The body began to get up, and I realized the boxes were empty. As for our cadaver, she adjusted her glasses and brushed her shaggy mint green hair back. She stared at me with her half opened violet eyes, and I began wishing she was actually dead.

“Dammit Wiz, I almost peed. Why are you playing dead in those empty boxes?”

“*Yawn* They looked cozy, and I could use a nap.”

“And all the blood?”

“Oh, I crushed my tomatoes by accident.”

I looked to the left to see a half empty basket of tomatoes, don’t tell me she planned to eat all those? Wait, if she’s awake, I should ask if she finished my request!

“Wiz tell me, did you finish that brainwashing serum?”

“...Zzzzzz.”

“Dammit, wake up you lazy little brat!”

I tried to shake Wiz awake, but she was back in a deep sleep. How the hell did she even fall asleep standing up?

****

It’s been five minutes since I left Wiz, I’m ascending up the stairs to the second floor now. As I finally made it up I heard strange banging close by, it was the familiar sound of a hammer…A hammer?

“Oh crap!”

I began rushing towards the sound, only to see a tall woman with lean muscular build, hammering away.

“What the hell are you doing Matilda!?!”

“Hmmm? Ah, greetings Bertha, I’m working on My Lady's balcony."

A balcony? Is she trying to save money by having Matilda work? That’s when I heard a thundering sound from outside, I looked through the hole in the wall to see the statue of the king destroyed. That’s when I realized the people who did it were the goblins from before, I didn’t even notice they were demolishing the king’s statue. Why would they even-

“Okay boys, bring it in.”

That’s when a small army of Goblins began pulling in a large statue of the princess, wait is that solid gold!?!

“Excuse me Bertha, I can’t miss this for the world.”

“Ehhh?”

“Myyyyyyy Laaaaaaaaaddddddyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Eeeehhhhhhhh!?!”

Matilda immediately jumped through the hole and did a front flip right onto her feet. After that, she bulldozed her way to the front of the crowd watching the princess’ statue get installed. Insane, this is insane, all of it. Where is she? She better have a damn good reason for this. I began stomping all the way to her room, once I made it I didn’t waste time on civilities.

“Princess, what- What The Hell Is All This!”

Inside her room was filled with an assortment of treasures, chest lines the walls in fact. There were portraits of herself, diamond necklaces, a marble bust of herself, and even a chocolate fountain. The culprit herself was standing there in a scarlet robe, wearing a pair of strange glasses, and wearing a hat made from Cockatrice feathers. Upon noticing me she smirked.

“Sup Bertha, you like my drip?”

“...Princess Ophelia, where on Theia is all this strange lingo coming from!?!”

“Relax Berry, and I told you to call me Opal!”

I could feel my ulcers flare up, god I think I’m gonna be sick.

“How much?”

“...huh?”

“How much did all this crap cost?”

“....”

She stared at me blankly, I was about to beat her skull in with her damn statue.

“Opal?”

“Don’t be mad, all this stuff was for free.”

“Really now?”

“Yep, I used Dad’s money to buy it.”

She stood there, hands on her hips and giving a hearty laugh. I was stunned at how she blatantly admitted to robbing her father the king.

“....Ha, hahahahaha! You stupid broad, your father’s going to murder us.”

“Calm down, you’ll ruin your cute face. Besides, Daddy loves me!”

“Fair point, but your Mother’s a different story.”

“Which is why I have you.”

…Eh? Just like that she took off one of her rings and tossed it to me.

“If you can stall her for about an hour there more where that came from.”

“...*Sigh* How long until she gets here?”

“They’re speeding over as we speak, you got your work cut out for you.”

“Luckily for you, I’m a miracle worker.”

I walked out the room carrying a ring that was expensive enough to buy an entire estate. If it means washing my hands of this hussie, so be it. Time to go to war.

****

…Alright she’s gone, time for me to get serious. I removed my vanities and stood in my sky blue dress and crystal slippers. I then walked over to my desk and pulled out the letter I was writing. How should I start this out? Dear prick? Dear JWJournals? *Sigh* Screw It, I’ll just call him as he is.

Dear Author, or creator, or whatever you call yourself. I haven’t given up, I will have my freedom! I said it once, and I'll say it again. I'm not gonna bow my head and let you treat me as your puppet. I'm not letting you hurt my friends either, they're my puppets so you leave them alone! You’ll rue the day you decided to turn my life into your damned playground. Bring it on, I’m not afraid of you. TO that end my dear readers, know that there’s no going back now. You’re officially in on this with me, whether you like it or not we face this lunatic together.  Remember, he’s dragging you into this mess too! That said, please vouch for me in the comments so I actually live long enough to see him suffer. Please! He’s already attempted to get me four times now, I’m getting white strands over here. I can’t take it anymore...

Love you all,

Your Sweet Opal, Toodles!