Chapter 2 Baby, You Fried My World!!!

The four legendary Condiment Generals stormed out of Human High Command and into Hangar Seven.Waiting for them beneath a giant American flag that was somehow waving indoors......stood the military's greatest engineering achievement.The Flame Boiler Mach 4.It wasn't simply a jeep.It was THE jeep.Rocket boosters lined the rear.Twin afterburners crackled with enough firepower to roast an entire flock of Master Chickens before breakfast.Military engineers once calculated its horsepower.The answer was..."Yes."No one questioned it.General Buffalo H. Ranch climbed into the driver's seat."LET'S GO SAVE HUMANITY, YOU GLORIOUS SONS OF BITCHES!!"General Lemon Pepper sighed."We're literally sitting three feet away.""I KNOW!!""Then why are you yelling?""IT MAKES THE ENGINE GO FASTER!!""...""...That's not how engines work."Buffalo looked offended."NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE THEY DON'T."The Flame Boiler Mach 4 roared to life.The hangar doors exploded open.Nobody had pressed the open button.Apparently the jeep considered doors to be optional.The vehicle rocketed toward the battlefield.The road to the capital was eerily quiet.Burned-out tanks littered the highway.Discarded helmets rested beside the skeletal remains of brave soldiers who had made humanity's last stand.Scattered nearby...Half-eaten Master Chicken wings.Buffalo's grip tightened around the steering wheel."THOSE MUTHACLUCKIN' SONS OF BITCHES..."His voice grew lower."...I'm gonna eat a wing for every soldier they killed."For once...Nobody laughed.Lemon Pepper folded his arms."I understand your anger."He looked toward the distant smoke."But even with the Chicken Fryer 9000...""...they still have the numbers.""We can't just start blasting without a plan."Buffalo slowly nodded."...You're right."Lemon smiled."I knew you'd see reason."Buffalo suddenly stood up in the moving jeep."SO WHAT I HEARD WAS..."Lemon immediately facepalmed."...Here we go.""...GO INTO BATTLE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PLAN AND FRY EVERY CLUCKIN' CHICKEN WE SEE!!""LET'S CLUCKIN' GOOOOOO!!"The Flame Boiler Mach 4 accelerated another twenty miles per hour."No!"Lemon shouted."That is literally the opposite of what I said!"General Mango Habanero studied a futuristic scanner.A sticker on the side proudly read:LAB 7FROM THE PASTNOW IN THE FUTUREShe had stopped trying to understand it years ago."The scanner says we'll intercept the enemy in twenty minutes."P. BBQ continued watching the horizon."...Hopefully not."Buffalo glanced over."NOT WHAT?""The Hyper Master Chickens."The jeep grew quiet.Even Buffalo stopped yelling."They're reconnaissance.""They aren't great fighters.""But they run at one hundred and eighty miles per hour.""They can peck through armored steel.""They spot entire armies before breakfast."Lemon Pepper stared into the distance."I remember...""...when they reached Japan."Everyone remained silent."It looked...""...like a white feathered tsunami."He swallowed."Men.""Women.""Children.""They didn't care.""...Everyone...""...got clucked."A single tear rolled down his cheek.Buffalo gently placed a hand on his shoulder."We'll make them pay."Lemon smiled faintly."...Thanks.""And...""...you didn't yell.""That means a lot."Buffalo looked out toward the horizon."...Those feathered bastards...""...destroyed my entire hentai collection from Japan."Silence."...""I NEVER FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO SIR TENTACLES AND HIS BEAUTIFUL BRIDE PRINCESS STUFF ME!!""THEY STOLE THE FINAL VOLUME!!"He cocked the Chicken Fryer 9000."I'LL NEVER FORGIVE THEM!!"Lemon Pepper slowly removed Buffalo's hand from his shoulder."...Never mind."
BEEP.BEEP.BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!Mango looked down."Oh...""Oh no."Dust exploded across the horizon.Something...No.Thousands of somethings...were racing toward them.Fast.Very fast."Contact!""They're moving at one hundred and eighty miles per hour!"Buffalo grinned."There they are."Mango's cheeks flushed.Her breathing became excited."I knew you Hyper Chicken bastards were out there...""Come to mama...""...preferably at high velocity."P. BBQ loaded her rifle."...That sounded weirder out loud than it did in your head, didn't it?""...Maybe."Lemon Pepper sighed."I work with lunatics."The dust cloud finally cleared.Ten thousand Hyper Master Chickens.Each one sprinting faster than a sports car.Each one screaming..."BUKAAAAAAAW!!" Buffalo slammed on the brakes.The Flame Boiler Mach 4 drifted sideways.The four generals climbed out together.Four Chicken Fryer 9000s clicked into firing position.Buffalo switched his weapon to...Original.He grinned."Ladies...""Gentlemen...""...Let's cook."He pulled the trigger.A brilliant blue beam erupted across the battlefield.It struck the first wave.For a single moment...Silence.Then—POOF!!The entire front line transformed into gigantic family-sized buckets overflowing with perfectly seasoned fried chicken.Steam rose.The smell was incredible.The remaining Hyper Master Chickens froze.One blinked.Another slowly pointed."...Buk?"A third screamed."HE FRIED STEVE!!"Another panicked."THAT WAS SERGEANT DRUMSTICK!!""He had chicks waiting at home!!"A captain jumped onto a rock."STAND YOUR GROUND!!"Another Hyper Chicken looked at the buckets."...My training didn't cover this!!"
Buffalo calmly walked toward one of the buckets.He reached inside.Pulled out a drumstick.Turned toward the entire Hyper Chicken army.Made direct eye contact.Then...CRUNCH.He took the biggest bite imaginable.Grease slowly dripped down his fingers."Ladies..."He licked the grease from his thumb."...Damn...""...that's finger-lickin' good."Ten thousand Hyper Master Chickens collectively took one nervous step backward.Lemon Pepper switched his weapon to Extra Crispy."I do believe...""...we're missing mashed potatoes and gravy."Mango smiled sweetly."I'm more of a coleslaw girl myself...""...but I'll make do."P. BBQ slowly smiled."And drinks..."She cocked her weapon."...I'm simply parched."Cold sweat poured from every Hyper Chicken.One whispered..."...Retreat?"Another whispered louder..."...RETREAT!!"The captain screamed back."NO!!""REMEMBER YOUR TRAINING!!"A private cried."OUR TRAINING NEVER MENTIONED GETTING TURNED INTO LUNCH!!"The formation collapsed into absolute panic.Buffalo raised the Chicken Fryer 9000 one last time.His patriotic mustache practically glowed."ALRIGHT YOU MUTHACLUCKERS..."He switched the selector.Extra Crispy."...LET'S...""...MAKE...""...IT...""...HURT!!"Four Chicken Fryer 9000s lit up the battlefield.The screams of terrified Hyper Master Chickens echoed across the wasteland.Humanity......had finally fired back.Next Time...Can the terrified Hyper Master Chickens escape the four battle-crazed Condiment Generals?Why is absolutely nobody questioning how a chicken can sprint at 180 miles per hour?Will General Buffalo Ranch ever stop yelling?(Military experts have classified this possibility as "highly unlikely.")Find out in...Chapter 3: The Rampage of the Four Condiment Generals — It's About Cluckin' Time!