I Don't Want To... Feel Like That...

It’s so nice to sleep~. It’s so comfortable in this bed that I can lay like that for long time.

„Are you planning to spend your whole day like that?”

Ugh...

„It’s comfy.”

„Comfy?”

„Comfortable.”

„I know what it means. Now, if you could get up from bed and start preparing yourself.”

„We’re going somewhere?”

„Unless you want to stay here and do nothing.”

I don’t know what he’s planning, but it’s better to go along with that.

I was almost ready to go, just needed to change clothes, but... he’s in same room as me. I’ll have to use different room.

„Can I use your room?”

„Use it for what?”

„To change clothes... ?”

„Sure.”

So I went in there. I’ve never been there, so I’m kind of curious what’s in there. Other room is a kitchen, place where he prepares food, but also medicine. Room, in which I am, is his bedroom. Out of those two, bedroom sounds better. I don’t know why.

There is not much things here. Bed, dresser, mirror, chair... Wait, why is there chair anyway? Hmm... I need to make sure no one will peek while I’ll get changed, so chair will be helpful.

Oof! Guess that will do. Hmm... I’ll use the mirror. I need to check something.

... It really flattens me. Why am I even bothered by that? Is it because Freya's dress not like that? Uh... And my hair is more messy than yesterday... I’ll try to fix it somehow.

Am I starting to care how I look?

„Okay! I’m ready!”

„Took you longer than I thought.”

„Huh? Is that bad?”

„It depends.”

There we go again. I don’t even think it took so much time.

„Let us go then. It’s already late.”

„Late? How can you tell?”

„By the position of Sun. I think I mentioned it earlier.”

He did say something, but I don’t recall much.

„Sun is rising from the east, which is almost in front of us, and setting down on west, which is behind us.”

„But how can you tell the time by that?”

„It’s simple. The day starts from the sunrise, that time of day we call „morning"-"

„I know there is morning, noon, afternoon and evening already.”

„Oh, really?” he said surprised; is he messing up with me? „Then we can move on to different subject. You can predict an hour by looking at Sun's position. The easiest one is noon. Depending on season, hours can vary, while days can be shorter or longer.”

„What season do we have now?”

„Spring, so days lasts pretty much the same as nights, but with time flowing, they will be longer.”

„And then again shorter?”

„Exactly.”

„And again longer?”

„It is repeatable cycle. Each seasons comes after another, starting from spring, then summer, autumn, winter and again spring.”

„Why cannot be there just one season? Wouldn’t it be easier?”

„Maybe, but it is not our choice. It depends on our planet's position towards Sun. Besides, it would be a bit boring.”

„You think so?”

„You will see for yourself.”

It will definitely take some time before I’ll be able to see that. Meanwhile, something came up to my mind.

„Ouranos?”

„Hm?”

„How old are you anyway?”

„Why are you asking?”

„Pure curiosity.”

He put himself in thought again. Is it really necessary to think about your age that much? Freya said that straight away. Now that I’m thinking, I don’t know how old I am. He still didn’t give an answer.

“More than 30?”

“Much more than that.”

Much more? Just how old he is? He shouldn’t be that much.

“We are aging differently from humans.” he said. “Their lifespawn depend on individual, but on average they live 60 years, if it was natural death. Very often they die earlier due to various circumstances.”

They are... dying anyway at some point? I’m not sure if year of life is long or no, but 60 years don’t sound that much now. Freya is herself 18... Uh...

“We are getting close to the village. We can talk about that matter at different time.”

Ah, right. If we’ll start talking about Titans, then others may hear us. We need to avoid that.

I’ve been wondering, why people are so aggressive towards them? From what Ouranos has said, they’re treating them badly, even if Titans didn’t do anything. Is it because they’re different from people? I spent some time with Freya and her mom, and... are we that much different? They don’t possess such knowledge as Ouranos, but besides that, is there anything else?

He also said that in that cave, in which his acquaitance lives, are valuable resources, and people want them for their usage. They can’t just... ? Ah, they can’t. Guess it’s too late for acting nice.

Still, why they are like that?

“... just want to live our lives...”

I already have met some people that neither were nice to me nor to Ouranos. He’s helping them and, yet, they’re treating him like that. Why he even helps them in that case?

“Ouranos?”

“Hm?”

“Why are you here anyway?”

“It does not sounds nice...” he needs to always find something between the words?

“You know what I mean.”

“There are few reasons. One of them is to look for a place to live. There are not many places where I can go. You might not believe me, but I have travelled a long distance...” he paused. “... and ended up here somehow. Second, not counting residents, it is a good place. Third...”

He stopped there for a moment.

“... I’m just tired.”

I feel sorry for him. Be chased out from your own land, trying to find a new one...

“You don’t need to feel upset because of mine own problems.”

It’s hard not to, when you’ve heard things like yesterday...

“Still... It’s unfair.”

“Why is it?”

“You’re good person, you didn’t deserve such treatment.”

He kept silent for rest of the time. Did I say something wrong again?

I just said how I feel. He’s not bad, yet, he needs to hide, because he’s just different. It’s just... awful.

“We are at the place.” he broke the silence.

It’s someone’s house. I’ve never been there. He knocked to door and a woman appeared. She looked Freya’s mom age.

“Oh, Mr Ouranos! Good morning!” she said.

“Good morning, Johanna.”

“Good morning.” I said too.

It has to be sort of greeting. Everyone’s saying “good morning”, “goodnight”, so I’ll do it too to everyone.

“Oh, you brought up a guest with you?”

“She will be only observing, please do not worry yourself.”

I wonder why did we come here...

“If that’s the case... Let’s go straight away to Betty.”

Betty? Who is Betty? Definitely not someone in house, since we are not going in there. There is another building outside... Woo! Chickens! Plenty of chickens!

But we’re not going to them. Ugh.

We went inside the building. Door was opening differently from ones in houses.

… Is that... a cow? Pretty~, but it smells a bit...

“Here’s Betty.” woman said.

Wait... Betty... is a cow?! Why did she name a cow?

“Betty is relaxing as usual, I see.”

He’s into that too?!

“Recently she was giving much less milk than usual. I’m worried about her.”

It’ll be better to just listen. Betty’s pretty~

“You can pet her if you want, but gently.” he turned to me; he knows me too well...

“I can?”

“She actually likes when someone’s giving her a bit attention, so feel free.” woman said.

“Thank you!”

After words of approvement, I was ready to take action! Now, sloooo... wlyyy...

It’s so nice in touch~ Not like my skin, but it feels good~

“She is fed well, isn’t she?” he asked.

“I’m doing what I can. She’s my precious one, but, Mr Ouranos, you know yourself that we barely have anything to eat.”

Huh?

“I already eat less, so I can have more for later, but for how long? My animals needs to eat too!”

They have problem with food? Ouranos never mentioned that.

Why he didn’t tell me?

“Times are tough, but I do think that we will get through it.”

“We all do, Mr Ouranos, we all do...”

I’ll need to talk with him.

“Let Betty go outside from time to time. She will be more happier and she can eat grass meanwhile. I think change of scenery will help.”

“Now, with more warm days, it’ll be possible. Uh, maybe she really needed that? Thanks a million, Mr Ouranos.”

“You’re welcome. We will be going now.”

“I’ll brought some eggs later.”

“I would be thankful. Take care.”

After we left Johanna’s property I turned immediately to Ouranos.

“We need to talk.” I said that and start walking at a fast pace towards fields outside village.

I wasn’t sure why I wanted to go there, that was my first thought, so I went for it. I was feeling really angry. They’re barely have any food and he didn’t even mentioned that? After what I went through? It can’t be like that.

We were enough far from village to be able to talk freely.

“Why you haven’t told me?” I asked him while restraining myself.

“...” keeping silent won’t help him.

“How long have you wanted to not tell me? You thought that I wouldn’t know? That no one will tell me sooner or later?” I said that more loudly.

“That is not-”

“THEN HOW IS IT?!” I couldn’t restrain myself any longer; it was too infuriating to me.

Why he doesn’t want to tell me? If it comes to important stuff, he’s avoiding talking about them. Exception was when he told me more about himself, but seems like we’re back. Why he is like that? I’m extremely mad at him. Especially that he knows what I went through. I feel hopelessly. He’s again not treating me fair.

From all of this, I felt frustrated. I couldn’t even stop tears from falling.

Why am I even trying?

“Gaia...”

I really feel disappointed. I don’t even want to look at him.

“Gaia, listen.”

I don’t want to anymore.

He suddenly grab my shoulders out of nowhere. It surprised me.

“Look at me!”

I don’t want to. Leave me alone.

“Look at me, please...”

He sounded desperate himself. I only turned my eyes, but... I couldn’t. I looked at him and I wanted to cry again. I really felt disappointed. By this short moment, I saw in his eyes that he felt bad himself, but at the same time, he found courage to face it.

… Did he also look scared?

Also, I might found other reason for why I couldn’t look at him. The moment our eyes met, I felt discouraged. I couldn’t look at him, because of those eyes.

It’s so weird...

“I have wanted to tell you at the beginning, but I choose to say that at better occassion.”

“Which was?” in same moment he let go of my shoulders.

“I don’t know, but, I can swear that hiding things from you wasn’t my intention at all.”

“You know...”

“?”

“When Johanna said that... you barely have any food left... It reminded me again of how I used to be hungry...”

“...”

“You know how painful it was? To not be able to fill yourself for long time? It was driving me insane. I couldn’t think of anything else, just to get a rid of it, at any price. I couldn’t think straight... I was so desperate that... I even thought of... eating you...”

Whenever I thought about it, I wanted to throw up. At current state I wasn’t able to talk, think straight, or even stand. My whole body was shaking and I was desperately trying to stop my cry from burst out, but it was useless. I completely lost it.

I don’t want to... feel like that...

“!”

He... hugged me... It’s so tight, that I can barely breathe... But it’s better this way... If he will squeeze out of me all of those feelings... Maybe they’ll let go...

He’s so warm... Hmm... I have a feeling it won’t be good if anyone would see us like that... Better go somewhere else... When I close my eyes, I think of something nice... It’s really calm, birds are singing... I want to go there.

Uh? Ground is no more hard, it’s more soft. What is going on?

Oh, I think we are really here.

I looked around and it was exactly as I was thinking. It’s much better like that.

I think he also noticed that.

“Where are we?”

“I’ve wanted to go here.”

“?” guess he didn’t catch up.

“I was thinking about... a nice place to go... to feel better... It’s really nice...”

“You transported us here?”

“I thought... it would be bad... if they’d see us...”

“You made it sound like we are doing something that we shouldn’t do.”

“I don’t know... I just... felt like that...”

I was completely not thinking at all. I just wanted to feel better.

He let me go and was looking around. Guess he’s never been here, me neither. All around us were only trees, but that was enough. Hearing a wind blowing in leaves, birds singing and no one else around... That was enough to slowly calm my heart.

Now that I’m more calm...

“Gaia?”

I turned to him. I was able to look at him without feeling discouraged.

“I knew that what has happened to you was a terrible experience, but...” he stopped here. “Guess I still took it too lightly than I should have. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you feel upset.”

Everything tells me that he really mean that. It’s not that I don’t believe him. He could just have more... faith in me. I understand way more things than I used to, so I don’t think it’ll be that hard to get what’s going on. If he’d explain it to me like he was doing it all the time, I’m sure I’ll get it.

“Am I too dumb to understand?”

“?”

I didn’t want to repeat myself, so I just stared at him while waiting for an answer.

“You know you are not dumb. Fault is on my side this time.”

“So, will you explain to me what is happening?”

“It will be better to show it first, so we will have to go back.” he was about to move, but I stopped him.

“Not now.”

“?”

“I want to stay here a bit longer.”

It’s so nice here... I don’t feel like going anywhere. Even this matter, he was successfully avoiding, can wait.

“Sure.” he came back to his place.