Again

February 19th, Imperial Year 880
Ekuna Duchy

Oh would you look at that, Goldie's still here. Looks like he interpreted my "go home" as "stick around and snoop from a distance." Smart horse.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure how we're still alive. I managed to shield ourselves from the worst of it with a bronze structure, but how we actually managed to swim to shore when I'm in heavy armor and Anya is wounded, I still have no clue.

Anya and I trudged through the woods, as water dripped from bodies. Her breathing was heavy and labored, as she tended to her wounds. She whimpered in pain every now and then, as we both shivered from the cold night air. Goldie nuzzled Anya, seemingly trying to warm her.

I admit, even I'm somewhat cold.

"A reversal from last time, huh?" I joked, trying to somewhat lighten the mood.

Anya was silent.

What the fuck am I doing? Oh yes Jason, your woman is being tortured or something, and the girl next to you is bleeding out, but you're going to try and lighten the mood, you fucking dolt. I'd be annoyed at myself at this if not for the knot of agony and despair that sat in my stomach.

I failed Phoebe. I failed her.

I failed. I failed. I failed, I failed, I failed. The only thing I've achieved is drag someone else into my mess. And because of me...

Anya whimpered, as she covered her wound again.

"Hey, Jason? Can we rest here a little?"

"Sure." I helped Anya sit down under a tree stump, as she nursed her wounds. "How...how badly do you think you're hurt?"

"I can manage. You know I'm not the type to die that easily." She gave me a brave look. "But...if I do, just in case, can you bring my body home?"

"I..."

"It's okay if you can't, don't risk your own life. But there's a misconception that animalfolk don't bury their dead. I'd prefer that not be the case for me."

"Anya, no. Let me bring you something." I frantically looked around for something to help her with.

"It's fine, Jason. We animalfolk are tough."

"Well, not invincible."

"Haha, yeah. We're not invincible though." Anya gently put her nose to the tree and sniffed it. "Hey, Jason. Can you gather some leaves from this tree for me?"

"Leaves?"

"I think I can make something for myself. We're not invincible, right?"

"Right, right!" I frantically rushed to the branches and started gathering leaves. A gust of wind chilled me to my bone as I temporarily froze up.

"Oh right, you non-animalfolk get cold easily. Then again, so does Aurelius...well, he's a turtle, I suppose."

"Aren't you shivering as well?"

"That's just blood loss. Haha."

Very funny Anya.

"I don't appreciate that joke Anya."

"Sorry." Anya closed her eyes and gripped her wound. "I don't think it's pierced anything vital. Seeing as how I'm still alive. Animalfolk like me are pretty tough though, so I can take an arrow and live."

I brought some of the leaves over to Anya, who put them in her mouth and started to chew them, before spitting them out and attempting to apply the paste onto her wound. Presumably some kind of herbal medicine, or some kind of animalfolk healing tradition. I went back to plucking leaves, in case she needed more.

"I'm sorry Anya. I...keep dragging everyone into my mess." I angrily plucked a final leaf off of a branch. Is that enough? That should be enough. "Maybe Rayne's right. I...I failed Phoebe."

I looked down at my feet, ashamed of myself. Anya was wordless, but I could see her looking at me out of the corner of her eyes. After a long silence, she spoke up once more.

"I remember everything you told me about Phoebe, Jason. But...that's not enough. What I want to know is, what is the history between her and that..." Anya paused, then sighed. "Nevermind. Maybe I don't need to know."

"Hey Anya." I said, scrunching the leaves in my hand into a ball. "Do you know how old Phoebe was when she killed someone for the first time?"

Anya looked at me in shock.

"What...what are you talking about?"

"Count Cordelia isn't actually her father, you know. He's her stepfather. Her uncle, to be specific."

"I...didn't know that."

"Phoebe never told me. I...managed to find out by asking around. She was originally the illegitimate daughter the current count's younger brother. They...died. Not sure of the details. Aeneas - her current father, didn't initially care, and refused to take her in."

"So...when you met her..."

"Yeah, she was basically an outcast.  She spent a bit of time at our estate, actually. Had a lot of fun with her."

"I...see."

"There were these idiots who bullied me and Hannah back in the day. Hated them. Still hate them now. I still haven't forgotten when they tried to do to us. But..."

I clenched my teeth in anger, rage building up.

"Jason, you don't need to continue if-"

"No, let me have this. They went after Phoebe. Those fucking bastards went after Phoebe." I turned to Anya, with a slick grin. "Well guess what? Noble rank might not matter much to little kids, especially given I'm a lowly baron, but there's a perk to being a noble. We get crests."

"So..."

"I had just discovered what my crest could do. And bronze is a heavy metal. So one day, when they were picking on Phoebe, rather than immediately stepping in, I waited. Waited until I could get a good angle on them, and attacked them with a stick I had coated in bronze."

"So you..."

"Nah, I got bent sideways. I wasn't always this good of a fighter, you know?" I gave Anya a small wink, and flexed my arm. Anya laughed, albeit a bit nervously. "Turns out a bronze rod isn't actually the best weapon to use against three town bullies who want nothing more than to beat you senseless."

"I...see." Anya looked down. "But how does that..."

"One of the kids wanted to beat me over the head with the stick. Idiots probably didn't realize that could kill someone. But Phoebe must have, because she..."

I stopped. The smell of blood, the screams of the other two kids.

The icicles sticking out of his eye sockets and mouth, blood gushing from his orifices like a fountain.

Phoebe begging for forgiveness.

"Jason..."

"She didn't mean to do it you know. She didn't mean to. She was just...she was just trying to stop them. That was the first time she realized she had a crest. They call that a crest awakening. A hell of a way to awaken your crest, I'll say. Mine was when I realized I'd coated a silver spoon in bronze a month prior to that." I stopped. I still remember that day. "Phoebe tried to hide, after all that. She didn't eat for the next three days. But at least the kids didn't pick on us anymore."

"Jason, you should stop. We should just rest-"

"But you know what?" I got up. "I think he deserved it. Scum like that aren't humans. They're monsters." I gnashed my teeth, sheer utter rage building up in me. "Like Aeneas, or Rayne. They're also fucking monsters. Aeneas, that man...when he discovered that his niece had killed someone, he didn't even show any emotion. He just called her interesting and whisked her away so he could train her or whatever. That's not what a human does. That's..."

"I...Jason, I..." Anya sighed. "I...well, I can't deny I feel that way sometimes. When someone gives you a glare, or kicks you out of taverns for being a 'beastkin merc'...yeah, I get that feeling sometimes. But you can't indulge in it for too long."

"Yeah, you're right. Some knight I am. Maybe I'm also a monster." I sat down, curling up into a ball. "Hey, Anya? What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? Maybe...maybe things would be better if I..."

Anya looked away from me.

"Jason, can you gather more leaves for me?"

"...sure. What do you need them for?"

"Nothing. I just want to play with them. Maybe you can join." She gave me a warm grin.

Thanks, Anya.

"I've always asked myself, why are people like this? Whenever I see bad things happening I just..." I picked a leaf, and looked at it. Goldie, who had been sitting by the tree the whole time, walked up to me, and looked at me directly in the face.

He took one of the leaves into his mouth, and attempted to eat it, before spitting it out, clearly not satisfied. I smiled.

Thanks, Goldie.

"Hah, I wish I could know the same. Why are some people...like that?" Anya turned her head to me, as much as her body would allow her to. "You're not a bad person, Jason. You just...feel a lot, I guess."

"That's not good. Means I'm prone to not thinking, right?"

"I've seen your tactics Jason, you're not irrational. If anything, you think too much, I'd say. Both logically and emotionally, honestly."

I snorted.

"You don't think enough, Anya."

"Oh, here comes the intelligent noble with his big head." Anya shot back. "But...that's what I like about you, I guess. You...if you didn't like Phoebe, I'd..." Anya shook her head. "Ah, whatever. Can't let that bastard be right."

"What do you mean?"

"Eh, nothing. Just...keep being you, okay?"

"Even if me being me hurts others?" I sank my head down into my knees. "I made Phoebe kill someone. Again. I'm turning her into a monster."

"That's that Aeneas guy's fault, right? Not yours." Anya said, with a bit more energy now. "You didn't do anything wrong. You just wanted to help Phoebe. As you said. We live in a world full of monsters, both human and animal alike. But that doesn't mean there aren't good people here."

"I...I suppose so."

"So you won't give up on Phoebe, because that's not who you are. You're the knight of justice."

It was my turn to laugh.

"Yeah. I'm the knight of justice. And...and I'm getting her out of there."

Anya yawned.

"Let's go to sleep, Mr. Justice knight. If you want to save the princess, you'll need to rest..."

"Hey, Anya, wait!"

"I'm not going to die. I'm just...resting." Anya leaned her head against my shoulder, and was soon, fast asleep.

I'm awfully tired too, now that I think of it. And hungry. No, starving.

God I really am tired. My eyelids refuse to stay open.

Maybe I'll just...